Son of a Preacher Man
by LaViePastiche
Summary: The wild son of a famous televangelist, Jasper likes to love ‘em and leave ‘em. Will he meet his match in Bella, who’s in love with his sister’s boyfriend Edward? And what happens when Edward finally notices her? AH, B/E
1. The Wickedness of the Wicked

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight Series or any of the characters. No copyright infringement is intended…this is just for shiggles.**

**Full Summary:**

**Jasper Hale, 21, is the son of a popular televangelist in Phoenix, and he couldn't be any further from a church-going goody two shoes. His attitude toward work, attending class, or contributing positively to society is lackadaisical at best. He drinks, smokes, and has a penchant for deflowering teenage girls. Bella attends private school with Edward Cullen, a senior who she's been in love with since ninth grade, when he moved to Phoenix. Too bad Edward is dating the most beautiful girl at St. Mary's, and doesn't even know Bella exists. But when Jasper sets his sights on Bella, Edward can't help but take notice. Will he protect her from girlfriend Rosalie's impious older brother? AH/AU/OOC and all that good stuff.**

**Cha****pter header in****dicates narrator.

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_"The person who sins will die. The son will not bear the punishment for the father's iniquity, nor will the father bear the punishment for the son's iniquity; the righteousness of the righteous will be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked will be upon himself."_

_**Ezekiel 18:20

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_**Jasper Hale**_

"Well, shit, what do we have here, fellas?" I addressed the table, nodding towards the front of the restaurant. "Why, it's a bowl full of cherries. Damn, teenage girls are truly a blessing from the Lord."

Laughter ensued and I took a long pull from my Corona, still staring intently at the four young girls filing in the front door. I knew there was a reason for shit-holes like El Taco Loco—teenage girls sure loved virgin daquiris and pina coladas. And I sure loved virgins. We all had a good reason to convene here.

"St. Mary's girls at that—it must be your birthday, Jazz!" Peter said, laughing and slapping me on the back. There was a hint of sarcasm in his voice but I didn't care much. He didn't understand my taste for the younger set, and I didn't understand his taste for, well, ugly girls.

Of course the school uniform was not lost on me. Nor should it have been on any red-blooded male in this restaurant, but I knew the plaids of every Catholic school in Phoenix just about, and St. Mary's was one of my favorites. There was something so distinctly sexy about that vibrant green, white, and black plaid—it was so much bolder than the traditional blues and blacks of the other schools, and yet St. Mary's girls were known to be quite the opposite. Most guys were disappointed when the Catholic girls didn't live up to their slutty image—but I wasn't "most guys"—the more elusive the game, the more I relished the hunt. Aside from the delicious images a school uniform incited in my mind was the added comfort in the knowledge that these girls, and their families, were more than likely not parishioners of my father's church. I was one of the few Protestants that actively sought out the company of Catholics, although certainly not for the purpose of worshiping. Not the Lord, anyway.

"Doesn't it strike you guys as a little odd that Jasper has a penchant for girls from the school his very own sister attends?" Peter asked the table.

James shrugged. "Not really, but then again, I have a penchant for his sister."

Felix chuckled. "See now, Jazz, how would you feel about a guy like you showing an interest in Rosalie, the way you show an interest in her classmates?" he asked, as he pulled a blinking BlackBerry from his pocket.

I smiled at him as I tapped a book of matches on the table. "Well, I don't suppose I'd really give a shit. First of all, I can admit Rose is a pretty girl, but more than that, she's my sister so I can assure you there is no conflict of interest there. And I would wish a heartfelt good luck to any man who tried with the Ice Queen," I responded, flashing James a cautionary glance.

"Well, it's lucky for you she's already got a boyfriend her own age. I have a feeling you'd be singing a different tune if it were James she was hanging off of," Peter said, nodding his head towards James.

"Oh, but a man can dream!" James said, sighing.

"You know, talking about James and my sister is a real boner-killer, fellas."

"Sitting at table full of dudes should be a boner-killer, man," James said, his finger moving in small circle, gesturing to everyone at the table.

"Not when you've got four pretty little gals giggling away in front of you," I responded, gazing back to the front of the restaurant.

"Now, Jasper, you know gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins. You can only have one, so who will be the lucky lady?" James asked, raising an eyebrow as he lit a cigarette.

"Well, now, I've never balked at the other six, my friend, and judging from the empty bottles of beer on this table, it appears I'm quite all right with the big G as well. So why on earth would I stop at one, when four is such a nice round number?" I played along with James, knowing full well that he was merely concerned with the prospect of having to compete with me.

"Tut-tut, Jasper, my watch tells me it's Friday afternoon so that means we're dangerously close to Sunday—and you've got your father's reputation to uphold," James said, continuing our little verbal spar.

Peter rolled his eyes and Felix had yet to lift his face from his BlackBerry. These boys had no appreciation for the sport. Peter was caught up with the aforementioned ugly chicks, who he more likely referred to as "intelligent" or "age of majority," and whenever he managed to get one of those to be his girlfriend he hung on for dear life. Felix, being the eldest and most driven of our group, was so wrapped up in working towards his MBA that he probably had trouble finding the time just to jerk off. He used to be a lot more fun but somewhere around his senior year at Arizona State, "Money" replaced "Pussy" as his number one priority. James and I had a lot on our plates as well, but at least we understood that pursuing a little fun with the ladies didn't necessarily require a huge time commitment.

"Jimmy, my boy, you're forgetting Ezekiel 18:20; you know very well that the father shall not bear the sins of the son," I said, betraying the sobriety of my tone almost instantly with a wicked grin. "How about I let you go first and then I'll take whichever ones you strike out with. That'll still leave me with at least three."

James let out a raucous laugh and raised his beer. "All right, I like those odds!"

Of course, I had no intentions of chatting up more than one of these girls. They were most likely rather inexperienced after all, and the threat of multiples would no doubt scare them off. Aside from that, there was only one that truly captivated my interest. She came in second in line behind the slutty-looking, short brunette with the big tits and the hiked-up skirt. That one would have been a simpler man's first choice, but I didn't see much of a challenge there.

No, I'd take the doe-eyed brunette with the longish legs and the awkward disposition. She was the true gem of the group—deliciously insecure, obviously inexperienced, and heartbreakingly adorable. I did have _some_ standards after all.

The one that followed her was cute, too—a little thing with tiny features and wild, dark hair—but she looked like a bit of a spitfire and I was running a bit short on patience for that type. Plus, if I knew James, she was right up his alley.

The last one had a pretty face and a cute body, but the mousy brown hair, cat-eye glasses, slightly hunched posture, and darting eyes screamed "Peter's Type," and I was most certainly not looking to discuss books or theorems or postulates or whatever the hell topics got those types of girls hot and bothered. Oh, and as hypocritical as it may sound, the twinkling cross peeking out from the neck of her polo shirt told me that if I somehow did manage to bust the lock on her chastity belt, I'd soon find myself running from her house pants-less with her dad chasing after me, shotgun in hand. It's not like it hasn't happened before.

I watched out of the corner of my eye as the hostess, clad in an embarrassing (for both nations) interpretation of traditional Mexican dress, led the girls to a booth across the room from us in the non-smoking section. I smirked to myself, and then turned my attention back to the table.

"You know, Jazz, one of these days you're going to rub one of these chicks the wrong way, and you're going to end up in jail, or getting your ass beat by an angry father or brother, or both," Peter said, pointing his beer bottle toward me in scolding gesture.

"Peter, age of consent is sixteen in this state and you know I don't even go below seventeen," I responded, hoping to ease his little mind.

"Girls lie," he said, adjusting his horn-rimmed glasses.

"And I card," I shot back, after downing the last of my beer.

Practically on cue, our waitress appeared in front of me, eagerly asking if I wanted another beer. I always got great service in this town due to my relation to the church or my obvious rebellion from it—depending on to whom you were speaking.

"It isn't Sunday is it?" I asked, flashing her a crooked smile and a playful wink.

She laughed. "No, sir, it's not!"

"Well in that case, shug, I think I'd like another beer _and _a shot of tequila. Bring these boys one as well, except for WiFi over here," I gestured to Felix, "he's quite obviously the designated driver this evening."

Her laugh was a little overzealous but certainly not a reaction I wasn't used to. When she stepped away I sneaked another glance to the girls at the other table, and sure enough, now there was a brightly colored drink planted in front of each of them, each topped with practically a full fruit salad. The sweet looking one with the long, wavy chestnut hair pulled the strawberry from her drink and brought it to her lips. I just about fainted at the sight of it against her pretty little mouth, but luckily she accidentally dropped it and it fell into her lap and then rolled out from beneath the table. She flashed a quick frown to her friends and then laughed, and I think I fell in love right there.

Of course, my definition of love was admittedly a little loose. I fell in love almost constantly, and out of just as quickly.

I was now fully engrossed in their table, or more specifically, in Pretty Brown Eyes. She seemed to be taking a passive role in the conversation, her head moving back and forth between the little spiky-haired one and Tits. She wasn't shy or self-conscious like glasses chick, who covered her mouth every time she laughed, but just seemed comfortable to let the others do the talking. She seemed at once both naïve and more mature than the others, which made her that much more attractive—cause as much as they were worth it, teenage girls could be really fucking annoying.

She wore the standard issue white dress shirt with a dark green sweater vest that bore the school crest. Her lower half was clad in the green and black plaid skirt—worn to rule—bright green knee socks that made my cock twitch, and the standard issue black Mary-Jane style Doc Martens. But that little green headband in her hair was what drove me over the edge, inspiring visions of me bending her over that table right in front of all her friends…

Tits, like my sister, Rosalie, preferred the more traditional style: blouse unbuttoned to her chest, exposing a lacy black bra, and skirt rolled up until her ass cheeks practically fell out the bottom. Not that I didn't appreciate the view, but it was that little sweetie next to her that made my imagination run wild with possibilities.

Spitfire landed somewhere in between with a tight vibrant green polo bearing the same crest, the collar popped up and her wrists and neck adorned with some flashy, trendy-looking jewelry. No question she was "the cool one."

No further description needed for Glasses—everything was standard issue and regulation length/size. I'm guessing Acme-brand chastity belt with double bolt locks and wet rag personality for added protection.

I shifted my gaze back to Pretty Brown Eyes and found her looking in my direction with a mildly curious expression on her face. Our eyes locked for a moment and I flashed her the dimples and a half grin. Chicks loved that shit. She quickly looked down at her drink, and then over at Tits whose gums were still flapping in the breeze.

No giggle? No coy smile? Not even a little blush? Oh shit, Brown Eyes—Game On.

I turned back to conversation at the table to avoid sending out the creeper vibe. After twenty or so minutes, I noticed them all slide out of their booth and heading over to the bar area. Every Friday evening The Loco, as it was commonly referred to, had some kind of open mic session or featured some crappy local "talent" that basically only appealed to teenagers who needed something to do, and weirdos. They headed for the tables near the small stage. Tits and Spitfire sat at one table, Glasses and Pretty Brown Eyes at another. Opportunity was knocking so I stood up and pulled my wallet from the back pocket of my jeans. I pulled out a couple of twenties and tossed them on the table.

"Just in case I don't come back, let me leave some cash for you ladies," I said as I glanced back toward the stage.

James followed my gaze. "Which one? Let me guess, the brunette with the big…hair?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at the latter part of the question.

"All yours, big boy," I said, slapping him on the cheek and then flicking the rim of his straw fedora. "I've got my sights set on the more subtle beauty with the long hair and killer lips." I grabbed my beer and saluted them.

Felix finally returned the BlackBerry to his pocket and looked up at me. "Uh, how can you not come back? Your car is not here?" His statement sounded more like a question, the upward inflection and mocking tone meant to imply that I was some kind of idiot, no doubt.

"Damn. Well, looks like you'll have to hang around and wait. There's room in the back for her, too."

"We better make room for two, cause I'm goin' in," James said, getting up to follow me down to the stage area.

Felix and Peter raised their beers to us, looking rather defeated. "Try to make it quick, I've got to meet with my Corporate Finance group at nine a.m. tomorrow and I haven't even started my project plan," Felix whined.

I looked at James as if to say _are you fucking kidding me?_ He just sneered and shook his head. I led the way down to the stage area. James moved in front of me, always the eager little grasshopper, and pulled a chair up to Tits' table. Both girls just stared at him, stunned. He was unknowingly the perfect wingman—the Goose to my Maverick, although I tell him he's Iceman. He again managed to create a perfect intro to me.

I stood in front of the other table and gestured toward James. "Hey… my friend and I were coming down here for a beer but looks like his plans have changed. Do you mind if I sit with you ladies?" I asked, the charm oozing out, thick like molasses.

Glasses giggled and cast her eyes downward, shrugging. It was actually kind of cute, and she was a lot prettier up close. But when I turned to PBE for her answer, I am sorry to say her demure and unwavering gaze made Whatsherface look like a pile of manure.

"Sure," she said rather softly, smiling.

I pulled a chair over, flipping it so that the back was against the table. I swung my leg around and sat with my arms folded on the back of the chair.

"I'm Jasper," I said, extending my hand first to Glasses, and then to PBE.

"I know who you are," she said, looking almost shocked at the words as they came out of her mouth. She took my hand and shook it quickly. I wanted to yank her across the table so I could suck on her face. "Well, I mean, not really but you're Rosalie Hale's brother, right?"

"That's right, all though I'm not used to being recognized because of my sister. How do you know Rose?" I asked, feeling very nervous all of a sudden.

"Oh, I don't really know her she just goes to my school... She goes out with Edward Cullen, right?" She bit her lip immediately after asking the question and my dick felt relaxed enough again to react to that.

"Yeah, so you're friends with Edward?" I asked.

Whoa…there's the blush. Angela flashed her what appeared to be a knowing glance and her cheeks burned bright red.

She looked up toward the ceiling quickly before responding. "N-no, I just have some classes with him."

"Ah, so you're a senior as well?" I asked. _Phew…meets age requirements_.

"No, I just take two senior classes—Bio II and Calculus."

_Fuck, smart does not equal age-appropriate._

"So, you're a junior? Are you Rose's age?" I asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

"I'll be eighteen in September," she replied_. Bingo! Just made it…_

"Well, I'm feeling a little vulnerable as you both know my name, and I don't know either of yours," I said, flashing dimples again.

"Sorry! I'm Bella," she said. Damn right you are.

"Angela," Glasses said, following up with an embarrassed giggle.

Boy, these chicks' parents were being awfully literal when they named them.

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**Thanks for reading!**


	2. I Corinthians 13:4

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight series. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**I need to give a big huge thank you to Legna989 for beta-ing this. I can already see the impact she has had when I compare this to Chapter 1. She has also kindly started a thread for this story at the Twilighted forums (I'll put a link in my profile) so if you have any questions/comments, please feel free to go there to discuss. Or send me a note or leave a review!

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_"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant."_

_**I Corinthians 13:4

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_**Bella Swan**_

"_Can someone explain to me how the function is written if it is linear?"_

"_Y=mx+b?"_

"_Correct, where m equals…"_

"_Rise over run, which equals the change in y over the change in x."_

"_And that is written as?"_

"_Delta y over delta x."_

"_Exactly. Can some else besides Angela tell me the derivative of f?"_

Edward Cullen looked bored. He was writing in his notebook but the movements of his hand were more indicative of doodling than of note taking. His head was resting in the palm of his other hand, his fingers laced through his messy bronze hair. His fingers were long and lean, but most definitely masculine. Same with his arms—his forearms and biceps were toned but not bulky. He was quite literally perfect. Especially his hair.

God, I spent so many hours of Calculus and Bio II just staring at his hair, and countless more on the subtle curve of his lips and his imperfectly perfect nose. The balance was divided equally among various other body parts, depending on my mood or what version of the uniform he was wearing. I had to study twice as hard from the text at home to make up for how easily distracted I was in class. Despite my knack for it, I hated math and never would have taken Calc if it weren't for the opportunity to have a class with him. I had pulled more strings than I cared to admit in order to get into Mr. Kowalczyk's class. Bio II, on the other hand, was pure luck—I actually _wanted_ to take that course.

Edward leaned back against his chair and let out a heavy sigh. He mussed his hair a bit, pulling it forward and then pushing it back at a different angle. I was instantly reminded of the time in tenth grade when, after the second bell, I had realized that I'd left my stupid English Lit book under my desk in my last class. I had headed back down the music hall and as I'd turned the corner, I saw Rosalie and Edward making out against the lockers next to my classroom. It wasn't as if it was the first time I had witnessed one of their many PDAs, but something about the way she grabbed the hair on both sides of his head and pushed him back against the lockers before kissing him filled every cubic inch of my body with the purest, darkest, most painful kind of jealousy. I didn't get jealous easily, so the feeling was deeply unsettling.

Naturally, I hadn't trusted myself to play it cool when walking past them—I had a tendency to make an ass of myself at the most inopportune times—so I turned back the way I'd come, skipped English and spent the entire period in a bathroom stall swearing over and over that I would never ever look at or think about Edward Cullen again.

That oath had lasted until 3:30 that day, when I sat with Alice, Angela, Jessica, and Lauren on the bleachers by the soccer field and pretended to do homework while watching Edward practice. Shirtless. Well, we were watching the whole team _technically_.

Yes, Edward was on the soccer team. Normally that would not make me swoon, but his love of the sport was reflected in his playing. He rarely socialized with the rest of the team. In fact, he rarely socialized with anyone except for Rosalie and her friends. When Edward moved to Phoenix in tenth grade (I was in ninth) and started dating Rose, he just seemed to acquire all her friends as well. Most of the time at lunch, Edward just watched everyone else talk, or read a book. Yes, it was most definitely pathetic that I noticed things like that.

Edward was most certainly not a typical high school jock. That role belonged to his brother Emmett, who graduated from St. Mary's two years ago. When Emmett went here, he was captain of the football team and generally ruled the school. I had little interaction with him, seeing as I was just a freshman, but it was amazing to see a brand new kid, and a senior at that, rise up through the ranks so quickly. He was good looking, of course, but in a different way than Edward—he had more of an All-American look.

After graduating, he went to Notre Dame and played football for the Fighting Irish. Oh, and he did some modeling for a little clothing store called Abercrombie & Fitch. For a whole season his impeccable chest and chiseled abs adorned the store's bag, and many of the stores displayed a wall-size picture of him shirtless, of course, and happily tossing a football to a disaffected blonde who seemed to be thinking, "_Sigh_, I am too gorgeous to be playing football and yet it's so very fun and American."

Needless to say, this elevated Emmett Cullen to near god-like status in the minds of almost everyone at St. Mary's, and most of the school was waiting with bated breath for him to return home for the summer. I think a lot of people expected that it would be he who would end up dating Rosalie, seeing as they would have made a picture perfect couple, but I suppose she was a little young for him then, and apparently she preferred the smoldering and beautiful type. Perhaps the one and only thing she and I had in common.

"Ow!" I whispered, when I suddenly felt Angela's elbow dig into my ribs.

I looked up to find most of the class looking at me. Except for Edward, of course, who was seemingly staring off into space, just as I was a moment ago.

"Miss Swan, do you know the answer?" Mr. K asked.

"Uh, could you repeat the question," I requested, feeling my cheeks heat up.

"The Power Rule—can you give me the formula please?" he asked again, expectantly.

I flipped a few pages back in my notebook, cursing myself as always for not paying attention in class, or at least not to anyone other than Edward.

"Ummm….yes…uh…d over dx times x to the n equals nx to the n minus 1," I choked flashing another quick glance to Edward. Still not looking, thank God.

"That's right, except n minus 1 is in parentheses," Mr. K responded. As the final bell rang he added, "Odd problems 1through 50 on page 321, class. I want to see your work too, not just the answers."

I stuffed my books into my backpack and then waited for Angela to slowly organize her things. Mike Newton burst into the room and quickly waved to Angela and me before slapping Edward on the shoulder as he headed for the door.

"Cullen, my man, are you going to Vic's party tonight?" he asked.

"Probably, I'm sure Rosalie will want to go," he said, sounding disinterested.

"All right, all right, well then I'll see you there," Mike replied.

As he headed towards our table, he scrunched up his face and gestured subtly behind his back towards Edward, who was halfway out the door.

"I still don't get what Rose sees in that guy. When will she realize that I'm the true love of her life?" he asked, gesturing towards himself with both thumbs.

"Mike, at one point or another you have claimed to be the true love of nearly every girl in this school," Angela said, rolling her eyes and gently placing her books into her backpack.

"Well, I already have been for many of them," came Mike's retort. He pointedly raised an eyebrow at me and then winked.

"Yes, Mike, for about three weeks you were absolutely the love of my life," I said, pushing past him and heading out the door.

Truth be told, Mike was the reason I had most of the friends I did at St. Mary's. We went to elementary school together and until eighth grade, I was somewhat of a loner. When Mike developed a crush on me that year, suddenly I became acceptable to talk to or be seen with. When we dated for a hot minute in 9th grade, his friends quickly became my friends, and then when we split a few weeks later, the friends remained. So in some ways I'd always be grateful to him—even if he did cause our breakup by telling everyone I was a prude, when he never even had the balls to try anything with me. The truth was we never had much chemistry to begin with so it was pretty easy to let things fizzle out and remain friends.

Mike was the kind of guy who got along with nearly everyone. He and his best friend Tyler were like a comedy duo and because of their charismatic charm, they also managed to be quite popular with most of the seniors. Thus, Mike got invited to parties like the one at Victoria's. I never felt bitter about that though; I'd never be interested in going to any of those parties anyway. Sure Edward would be there, but the potential for me to do something to embarrass myself was too great and I'd long given up on the notion that he might someday notice me. I couldn't think of a single reason why he should.

Angela caught up with me and we navigated through the crowded halls together. It was 3:15 on a Friday so the halls were bustling with excited students energized by the freedom and potential of the weekend that lay ahead. Already, ties were loosened or removed, shirts were unbuttoned and skirts were hiked up far above the regulation just-above-the-knee length. I waded through them, lost in my own thoughts, none of which had anything to do with my plans for the weekend.

"Bella, what is with you today?" Angela asked, stepping in front of me and gripping my shoulders.

"Nothing! What?" I replied, unsure of what prompted the question.

"Uh, your locker is back there." She pointed behind me.

"Oh, yeah. I don't know. I just wasn't paying attention," I mumbled, turning back towards my locker.

"Bella, you stared at Edward Cullen like for…pretty much the whole class," she said, sounding concerned.

"Shhh! Angela! Shut up!" I snapped under my breath.

"Sorry! But I just think that you need to either to talk to him, or like, get over him. This pining away is really doing you no good."

"Ang, I am not pining. And I am certainly not going to talk to him. I mean he's just nice to look at." I turned to the last number in my locker combo and popped it open.

Angela giggled. "Well, you're right there!" Her face turned more serious then, and she continued, "But you_ know_ you're doing more than looking. Bella, maybe you just need to date someone else, to get your mind off him, you know?" She averted her eyes from me the way she always did when she felt bad for trying to give advice.

"Jeez, Ang you act like I'm saving myself for Edward or something, but I'm not! There just aren't any guys here that I'd want to date," I said, stuffing a few books into the top portion of the locker.

"Well, I promised I wouldn't say anything, but Lauren told me that Jake told Jess that he has a major crush on you!" she practically squealed.

"Ew. First of all that's kind of old news, and second, he's a sophomore! No thanks!" I said, cringing at the thought of dating Jacob Black. He was a nice kid, but I was in no way romantically interested in him.

"Wow, I never took you for an ageist," Angela said, frowning.

"I'm not really, I just don't feel that way about him at all. Is that a crime?"

"All right, well there must be someone else…" she trailed off, wracking her brain.

"Enough. I don't need a boyfriend right now. Especially not just because you think I need to get over _youknowwho_. That's just ridiculous."

I was being somewhat honest. I couldn't deny that I had a bit of a thing for Edward, but I certainly wasn't passing up other guys because I was holding out for him. I was hardly that delusional. I just wished that I could meet a guy that made me feel even half of what I felt whenever I saw Edward. And given that the population here was rather static, I was realistic enough to know that the likelihood of me finding love at St. Mary's was pretty low. I saw what was out there, and I just wasn't interested.

Angela smirked slightly as if suppressing a giggle, but before I could question her I felt someone attack me from behind. A pair of thin arms wrapped around my shoulders and I felt about ninety-five pounds crush down on my back.

"Heyyyyy bitches!" came Alice's exuberant squeal.

She pecked my cheek and then dropped back to the floor, giving Angela a quick hug before turning back to me.

"What's on the agenda for this lovely Friday eve, gals?" she asked, fixing my hair for me.

"Ben's doing open mic at El Taco Loco. Maybe we could check that out?" Angela suggested.

I rolled my eyes. "Ugh, that place is so lame. I'd rather hang out at the mall."

"Great idea!!! We'll go to the mall now, and then go to The Loco later!" Alice exclaimed, clapping her hands.

"That wasn't really what I was suggesting."

"Well, what would you like to do? Sit at home and read your math textbook?" she asked, frowning.

"Isn't there _anything_ else to do?" I whined.

"Bella, come on; it'll be fun. And you wouldn't deny Angela the chance to see her sexy lover boy in action on stage would you?" She nudged Angela and winked.

"He's not my lover boy!" Angela cried, blushing.

"Whatever. Lover boy to be. He never will be if we don't go watch him play!"

Just because I didn't like anyone who was actually attainable at St. Mary's didn't mean I had to begrudge Angela the opportunity to swoon, and Alice was right; I truly had nothing better to do anyway.

"Okay, okay fine. The Mall and Loco it is," I sighed. "Can someone let Jess know? My phone is busted again."

"Jeez, Bella, when do you plan on upgrading to this century again?" Alice teased as she whipped out her iPhone.

Her fingers danced quickly over the screen and within thirty seconds or so, several texts had been sent and received and we headed to the parking lot to meet Jessica at Alice's car.

As we climbed the steps to the back lot we saw Jessica leaning against Alice's baby blue Mini Cooper S. If some sort of wicked witch or fairy Godmother could turn Alice into a car, it would be that one. Alice accessorized to the very last detail.

"Come on, pick up the pace, ladies. Let's get the hell out of here!" Jess called to us.

We ran to the car. I hopped in the front and Jess and Angela climbed in the back. As soon as we pulled out of the parking lot, Jess pulled a cigarette from her purse.

"Anyone care for a smoke?" she asked, lighting the cigarette with a match.

"Since when do you smoke?" I asked.

"Since Alec asked me if I wanted to go sneak a cigarette with him behind the portables after lunch!" she practically squealed. "I pretended like I just didn't have any on me so he bummed me one and then gave me another for after school! Ohmygod, he is sooo sweet isn't he? And so hot!"

"Um, no, he's kind of an asshole, and he's like almost always stoned," Angela said, looking disgusted.

Jessica sighed. "I know, he is so cool!'

"What happened to your burning lust for Eli and your intricate plan to break him and Carmen up?" Alice asked. "And put that damn thing out!"

"Whatever, he's an idiot for dating that stuck up bitch and quite frankly, idiots are a turn off," she proclaimed, exhaling dramatically.

Eli and Carmen both seemed like pretty nice people but whenever a girl dated a guy Jessica liked, she instantly became "a stuck up bitch."

"Hey!" she whined as Angela deftly snatched the cigarette from her hand and tossed it out of the car.

"You'll thank me later. Do you really want wrinkles and yellow teeth by the time you're like twenty-five?"

She thought it over for a moment. "Well, I suppose I could limit my smoking to social occasions only."

I'm pretty sure we all rolled our eyes in unison but no one bothered to comment further. Alice turned up the music and we were rode in silence until the mall came into view.

"Park at the blue entrance please, I need Starbucks like, whoa, right now," Jessica called from the back.

. . .

For what felt like five hours, I sat on various benches and couches in various dressing rooms sipping on my Venti Mocha Frappuccino. Angela and I didn't have the limitless credit that Jessica and Alice seemed to, so we were mostly passive observers during those frequent mall visits. I only shopped when I had some sort of occasion to buy for, or when my favorite clothes began to fall apart—and even then I preferred a good vintage store to a mall chain any day. Alice claimed that a shopping trip was a complete failure if she didn't leave the mall with at least a large bag in each hand.

Angela stepped from the dressing room and looked down at herself. She was wearing a pale blue sundress that actually looked quite flattering.

"What do you think? It's cute isn't it?" she asked.

"Yeah, really cute! Are you going to get it?" I asked, giving her the thumbs up.

"Hmmm, not this time. I might come back later to see if it's on sale."

Angela said this every time we went to the mall, about everything she tried on. Her frugality knew no bounds.

"What time is it?" I asked, tossing my empty cup into the trashcan next to me.

"Five forty-five… we better round up Jess and Ali and get going, Ben goes on at seven-thirty and I want to get a good table!"

I thought it unlikely that we wouldn't get a good table—it's not as if the place exactly filled up—but I knew Angela was eager, and I was kind of hungry, so I got up and knocked on both dressing room doors.

"Come on, ladies, round up your 'yes' piles and let's hit the cash register, I want tacos, pronto!"

. . .

Angela had a huge smile on her face as we pulled in to the parking lot at El Taco Loco. We all hopped out of the car and headed towards the restaurant. Jess led the way and I followed; Angela and Alice lingered behind for a moment, Alice quickly doing a hair and makeup check for Angela.

"Just a little bit of lip gloss! It's practically the same color as your lips!" I heard Alice say as we crossed the parking lot.

Jess pushed the first door open and then turned to me.

"We've got to find a way to get those two together…if we leave it up to Angela alone, it will never happen!"

"I know. Don't worry, I'm sure Alice is thinking the same thing. Keep your eyes peeled for opportunities tonight!" I was excited about the prospect of playing matchmaker to Ben and Angela. I may have spent a lot of time feeling bad for myself over my lack of romantic prospects, but I loved seeing my friends finding love, or some variation.

We filed into the restaurant and waited by the hostess stand. I stared blankly at a bulletin board filled with advertisements and postcards until Jessica turned to me.

"Okay, _don't look_, but there's a group of older guys _totally_ staring at us," she whispered from the side of her mouth as if she was sharing some seriously confidential information.

"So? Big deal," I said, trying to look out of the corner of my eye. I couldn't really see who she was talking about.

"They are really, really hot and one of them looks familiar."

Alice glanced over slyly. "The blonde one is Jasper Hale," she mumbled.

"Oh my god, that's right!" Jess said, a little too loudly. She continued in a whisper, "I think I saw him on TV once or twice on one of his dad's shows."

"Since when do you watch Baptist church sermons on TV?" Angela asked.

"Uh, have you ever seen Reverend Hale? Where do you think his two hot kids came from? Sometimes when I'm flipping through I stop and watch for a bit!" She giggled as if she had just admitted that she watched Jerry Springer.

I couldn't really look over without being obvious so I just switched topics, not wanting them to see that we were talking about them.

"So, what is Ben playing tonight?" I asked.

"I think he's playing original stuff. He played me something he wrote on the phone the other night—it was actually really good!" Angela said. The pride in her expression was adorable.

"It's like acoustic stuff, right?" Jess asked.

"Yeah, at least I think that's what he's going to be doing," she answered.

Just then the hostess appeared in a god-awful dress that was layered in frills and seizure-inducing bright colors.

"Hola! Welcome to El Taco Loco, how many?" she asked with far too much enthusiasm.

"Four, non-smoking please," Jess said. I guess she was over being a smoker now. She was probably over Alec already, too.

"Right this way!"

She led us to our table and right behind her our waitress appeared in a much more subtle uniform—a black polo shirt with the restaurant logo. We each ordered some version of a fruity "mock-tail" and Alice immediately launched into a story about something Mike and Tyler had done in her Home Ec class. I wasn't really listening.

I glanced over quickly at the table of guys while we were ordering and saw three of them looking in our direction, Jasper among them. They were laughing and I instantly felt annoyed. I tried to focus on the conversation but I found myself zoning out wondering if they were still looking and why they were in the first place. Finally, I looked up and saw that Jasper was the only one still staring. He seemed to be staring at Alice or Angela, though. Weird, I would have guessed Jessica first; after all, she did seem to garner the most stares from the opposite sex when we were all out together. She was kind of obvious like that.

She wasn't mistaken though; Jasper really was hot. They all were pretty cute, in very different ways, but Jasper stood out. He had this really wavy blond hair, the same color as Rose's; it was longish and tucked behind his ears, although a few tendrils fell loose against his temples. He was sort of smirking, lost in thought, and he had the subtlest dimples, which made him appear practically cherubic. He seemed pretty tall, and the white v-neck t-shirt he wore did nothing to hide his well-toned body. A silver cross on a long leather strap around his neck stood out next to a pair of army dog tags. Clearly he was trying to be ironic, because his reputation was not that of a deeply religious man.

Most everyone in Phoenix, or at least in our little part of this city, knew that Rosalie and Jasper were the children of Reverend William and Mrs. Sara-Jane Hale. The Reverend and his wife were very attractive, although both of them possessed an eerie smile that bordered on completely phony. Jasper's seemed much more genuine and Rosalie just avoided smiling as much as possible. From what I could tell, she only busted out the pearly whites when she was being lavished with attention from guys.

The family hailed from San Antonio, Texas, where Reverend Hale began his service to the church. He was quite successful in Texas and I understood that's where they began showing his sermons on TV. For whatever reason, he developed a large following in Phoenix and was offered a church, and a regular Sunday program and televised service by one of the local stations here, so that's when he decided to move the family. Rosalie came to St. Mary's a year before me, when she was in ninth grade. At first the idea of a Baptist pastor sending his daughter to a Roman Catholic school got everyone's tongues wagging, but it was soon understood that St. Mary's was chosen merely because it was a really good private school, and unfortunately all the top private schools around here were either Catholic, or not co-ed. Mike told us that Sara-Jane wanted Rosalie to go to Xavier but she refused because it was an all-girls school.

Jasper was relatively new to Phoenix; he stayed behind in San Antonio with friends and family until word of his antics caught up with his father and he was told to join them here. He was either a sophomore or junior in college now, although I heard a rumor that he was a year behind because he never showed up to class.

In the short time he had inhabited this city, he had made quite a name for himself. I had never heard anything _really_ crazy, but for the son of a pastor he was quite a playboy. There were stories of drinking, of drug use, hard partying, spending mounds of his father's money and supposedly plowing his way through a whole lot of girls, including many at my school. I had never actually met Reverend Hale or his wife, but some people said that Sara-Jane worshipped both Jasper and Rosalie and basically let them do whatever they wanted. He was a Baptist preacher and a pretty conservative one, at least according to his sermons, so I never really knew how he dealt with Jasper acting out the way he did, although I assumed he probably just chalked it up to youthful rebellion. Rose was certainly no angel either, but most people didn't seem to hold that against Rev. and Mrs. Hale. Perhaps Jasper utilized some of that Southern charm I heard so much about, and God knows Rosalie sure did.

I snapped out of my meandering thoughts to find him staring at me, the cocky smile still plastered across his face. When he saw the recognition in my eyes, his grin widened. I felt mildly annoyed at his overconfidence and was inexplicably nervous, so I quickly turned back to Jessica, hoping my lack of acknowledgement would make him think I was not actually looking at him, but merely in his direction.

After a few brain freezes and some perfectly frivolous and enjoyable conversation, we decided to move to the tables by the small stage area so that we could show our support for Ben when he came on. The tables were small so Angela and I took one and Alice and Jess took another, since they were deep in conversation about different types and textures of condoms. Our separate tables and conversations were somewhat symbolic; in our group of friends, Angela and I were the only members left in the virgin club.

For Angela, I think it was more that she was just plain terrified to have sex. Her parents were staunch Catholics who regularly assured her that if she even had anything close to sex she would get pregnant with the devil's baby and then go straight to hell. I wasn't really scared of sex at all—my mom, Renee, and I talked openly about it and she always encouraged me to do it whenever it felt right—I just never really found the right opportunity. The boys who had expressed interest with me just didn't seem worth it and while I didn't think my virginity was some magical precious gift, like Angela did, I certainly didn't want to have my first memory of sex include someone like Mike Newton. And no, I wasn't saving myself for Edward Cullen. But if he asked, I would do it whenever and wherever, including Calculus class. Oooh…

We had barely even gotten situated at our tables when one of Jasper's friends appeared in front of Jessica and Alice's table; without asking, he pulled a chair over and sat down in front of them. Jess and Alice simply stared at him, waiting for some sort of explanation.

He was probably the next cutest from the group. He had sort of a boyish face and mischievous eyes and he was sporting a bit of a five o'clock shadow. His hair was dirty blonde, long, and pulled back in a ponytail beneath a straw fedora. He wore a loose blue dress shirt, the first several buttons undone, and a black leather jacket. From the angle I was sitting, I could see that he had a rather large tattoo on his chest. He seemed to already be chatting with Jess and Alice but I couldn't really hear what they were saying and I didn't want to look as though I was interested either.

Jasper walked up to our table and stood in front of us smiling. "Hey… my friend and I were coming down here for a beer but looks like his plans have changed. Do you mind if I sit with you ladies?" He gestured towards his friend.

I sighed inwardly, I may not have much experience with guys but I could tell what was going on here—Jasper was playing wingman for his friend who no doubt was going to go after Jessica. I was mildly insulted that he would sit here and try to keep us entertained so that his friend could score without distraction. Angela, of course, was already won over. It didn't take much to make her giggle and Jasper was way too much of a professional. She never stood a chance.

"Sure," I said, smiling politely.

He pulled up a chair and sat down, smiling warmly at both of us. He was even better looking up close and I couldn't help but get a little lost in the most beautiful blue eyes I had ever seen. They were wide and expressive, making him look way more sincere than he probably was, and although they were pale, that somehow made them all the more vivid and piercing. I was so fixated on them that I almost didn't hear him introduce himself.

Before I could think I blurted, "I know who you are." I immediately wanted to punch myself in the face, but thankfully he occupied my hand by reaching out to shake it. I recovered a little bit by adding, "Well, I mean, not really, but you're Rosalie Hale's brother, right?"

I continued to stumble and make an ass out of myself as we talked about Rosalie. I mentioned her as if I knew her and then backpedaled by bringing up Edward? My cheeks burned hot just at the mention of his name and I really wanted to just get up and run. Anywhere.

To my relief, he distracted me from my idiocy by asking some random questions about school. He asked why we were there which led to Angela mildly gushing over Ben, and to my surprise he listened intently as if he were genuinely interested. I remained a bit cynical but had to admit to myself that he seemed like a pretty nice guy.

Ben finally came to the stage and Jasper actually turned his chair around to watch. His friend James seemed less enthused about being interrupted and losing Jess and Alice's attention.

The crowd was sparse but Ben's music seemed to fill the room easily. He was quite good at playing the guitar but his voice was even better: soft but powerful. I was pleasantly surprised to find that I actually really enjoyed his performance. By the end of his set the crowd had filled in a bit more and his last song was very well received. I didn't need to look next to me to know that Angela was melting.

After Ben walked off stage, I excused myself to go to the washroom. I stood in front of the mirror and frowned, wishing I had changed out of my stupid uniform before going to the restaurant. I smoothed my skirt and rolled it up just a little bit, and then pulled my knee socks up and straightened my headband. I washed my hands and pushed the door open to leave. I nearly jumped when I saw Jasper on the other side, leaning against the wall.

"Sorry, sweetheart, didn't mean to scare you," he said, smiling.

"That's okay," I responded nervously, wondering if it was me he was waiting for.

"I just wanted to talk to you, away from your friends for a second, because I prefer facing rejection in private."

_What?_

"Okay…" I trailed off.

"I think you noticed me noticin' you when you came in here this evening. I mean, normally I'm a little more sly but you really threw me for a loop." His tone and his expression were almost _sheepish_.

I couldn't form an appropriate response and I felt a violent blush spread over my cheeks as I looked down at my shoes.

He moved closer to me. "Hey now, I can't go on if you don't look at me—those pretty eyes of yours give me some courage." I felt his fingers brush my chin and gently push it upwards. I thought I was going to regurgitate my heart. Thank God I hadn't yet ordered those tacos.

"I was wondering what the odds are that you might wanna go get a coffee or something. My friend Felix drove here but we could swing by my place and pick up my car."

Was it terrible that my very first thought at that suggestion was, _"I wonder if Edward is there"_? I didn't have long to ponder that though, as I needed to choke out a reply.

"Oh, sorry, I can't." His face fell a bit, so I tried to blurt out the rest of my response quickly. "It's just that we came to see Ben, you know? And he'll probably want to hang out after, and I can't really ditch my friends."

He nodded. "Yeah, I figured as much. So my second question is what are the chances that you might wanna go out another day? Like tomorrow or Sunday? I hate to sound over-eager, Bella, but I have to admit you've got me stone cold intrigued."

Oh, God, he was too good. My cheeks were burning and my stomach was buzzing. His smooth, lazy drawl made my head spin. But seriously, I could not agree to go out with this guy tomorrow. That was just ridiculous.

"Sure, I guess maybe I could do something tomorrow." Whoops.

He smiled brightly. "All riiiight!" he drawled, "Why don't you give me your phone number. I'll give you a call tomorrow afternoon."

He pulled his phone from his pocket and entered my number. After he returned it, he looked at me with a slightly bashful expression.

"Now I'm really pushing my luck, but I don't suppose you might give me a little kiss to keep me going until tomorrow?"

He was indeed pushing it now, but again he took advantage of my dreadfully slow reaction time. I felt his fingers on my chin and he leaned in close. The faint smell of beer and cigarette smoke mingled surprisingly nicely with his enticing cologne. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply and before I could exhale, he placed a soft kiss on the bridge of my nose. When I opened my eyes he had resumed his previous position.

"That'll do for now," he said, extending his hand. "Come on we better get back to your friends. Or better yet, back to James. He can't be left for long without supervision."

I took his hand and followed his lead, but as we approached the table I let go, not quite ready to explain myself to my friends. As soon as we got to the table, Jess popped up from her chair, practically shrieking.

"You are… an asshole!" she stuttered. She looked to Alice who was nearly shaking, trying to suppress a giggle.

"Ali! Arghh!" she growled as she stormed past us towards the bathroom.

"What happened?" I asked, looking first at James, who seemed completely unaffected and then to Alice who was now openly giggling.

"Oh, he was just riling Jess up!" she said. A second later she composed herself somewhat and turned to James. "Seriously though, that wasn't nice. I had better go to talk to her." She was laughing again by the time she got up to go find Jessica.

"What did you do?" Jasper asked James.

He shrugged. "I dunno. Women are irrational and emotional creatures."

"All right, I better get this boy home. Bella, Angela, please apologize to your friend for whatever this guy said or did. Explain to her that Jimmy here is mildly socially retarded and really doesn't know better."

James rolled his eyes and stood up. Jasper turned to me and hesitated a moment before speaking.

"So, I guess I'll talk to you tomorrow then?" he asked quietly.

I flashed a sidelong glance to Angela. Yep, she heard that. I simply nodded and tried not to blush. James headed back to the table where their other friends sat, and Jasper followed, flashing us a quick wave.

I turned to Angela whose mouth was already forming the beginning of an Oh-My-God. I put my hand up to silence her.

"Don't, okay? Please. Don't make a big deal. He's just gonna call me, okay?"

Angela snapped her mouth shut and attempted to nod casually.

We sat down and after a second she blurted, "Okay, seriously though, you can't leave it at that. What happened back there? Oh my God, Jasper Hale is going to call you tomorrow? What are you going to talk about? Are you going to go on a date? Oh my God, what about Edward?"

It was as if something suddenly snapped inside of me. Had I really appeared so head over heels for Edward that he needed to be considered before I would think about going on date with someone? Whenever Edward was with Rosalie, did anyone ever say, "Oh my God, what about Bella?" This had gotten completely pathetic and it had to end.

"What do you mean what about Edward? How on earth does he factor into this?" I probably sounded angrier than I should have. It was mostly directed at myself.

"I-I don't know I guess I just thought…" She fumbled over her words, realizing that she had struck a nerve.

"Don't worry about it. To answer your question, yes, I am going to go on a date with Jasper, and I'm pretty sure Edward Cullen won't mind." I tried to take the edge out of my voice but it didn't quite work.

Angela just nodded. After a moment she spoke again. "Well, I think that's great that you're going on a date, but just be careful, okay, Bella? I mean he's _Jasper Hale, _after all_._"

I clenched my jaw. I didn't know if I was annoyed because she was right, or because she was judging him based on a bunch of rumors. I decided to just let it go, because no matter what, her intentions were good.

I was thankful for the distraction when Ben came up to our table and sat down.

* * *

**Poor Bella, huh? Jasper sure is an expert at "the game"! Now I wonder whose POV is next? Oh, and just an FYI: I will try to keep POV overlap to a minimum, but sometimes the other side of the story just needs to be told…**


	3. John 8:32

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns the lot of it…no copyright infringement intended.**

**AN: Mucho lots of thanks to beta Legna989 for being fast like lightning.**

**Thanks so much for all the reviews and +alerts. They make me giddy like a schoolgirl! (Hear that, Jasper?)****

* * *

**

_"And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." _

_**John 8:32

* * *

**_

_**Edward Cullen**_

I grabbed my iPod and car keys from my bureau and headed downstairs. I was at least an hour late and for sure, Rosalie was going to have my balls. I was already in the shitter with her for not going to her prom gown fitting, because I selfishly chose to go out to dinner with my parents for their anniversary instead. She had called once already and sent a text but I just ignored them, preferring to fight in person rather than on the phone _and_ in person.

I shielded my eyes as I entered our west-facing kitchen. The sun filtered through the many large windows and I could tell it was warm outside, even though I hadn't been out yet, so I decided to scrap my jacket. I tossed it on one of the stools at the island and without even turning around, my mother, Esme, gently chastised me.

"Edward, hang it up before you leave, please."

She turned around and smiled brightly, holding a big glass filled with something pink.

"Here honey, I made you a smoothie. You need to eat before you go out."

I grabbed the glass from her hand and kissed her head. "Thanks Mom. Rose is going to kill me though, I told her I'd be over there at one-thirty or two," I said, glancing at the clock. It was 2:45.

She patted my shoulder and frowned. "Well, you didn't come home until two a.m. last night, Edward, and you need to get your rest too. You know we love Rosalie, but she's been demanding an awful lot of your time lately."

I tossed the straw from the glass into the garbage and chugged the smoothie. Brain freezes didn't seem to affect me.

"I know. You know how she is; she just can't do anything alone. We're just hanging out today, so I probably won't be home too late." I kissed her again and grabbed my coat to hang it up in the front closet.

"Don't forget that your Dad is off tomorrow, so I think you should be home for dinner, okay?"

"All right, I'll be home," I said, glad to have an excuse to get out of eating Sunday dinner at Rose's place.

"Oh and, Edward, bring the garbage bins in for me will you? I got a manicure this morning and I don't want to ruin it like I did last time."

I walked out onto the driveway and looked around. There wasn't a cloud in the sky and it was probably about 85 degrees, making it a picture perfect day. I didn't know what Rosalie had planned for us today, but I assumed it wasn't going to involve driving out to the desert listening to music at top volume—which is what I wanted to do. I was lucky if she even let me listen to my music in the car at all. To her, everything I liked was "emo crap," which included Led Zeppelin, The White Stripes, even Otis Redding. All of it was "emo."

How I ended up dating a girl who refers to the "Barbie Girl" song as "an oldie but a goodie," I'll never know.

I've always avoided pondering that question too deeply. We moved to Phoenix from Washington when I was in tenth grade because my father was offered a job as Chief of Surgery at Phoenix Baptist Hospital. Rosalie's dad was a major donor to the hospital and so my father met him around the same time that I met Rosalie. At first, she kind of impressed me because she was so forward. She asked me out, she made me meet all her friends, and she basically just began directing my life.

And I liked it because I didn't have to think about anything. I wasn't thrilled about leaving Washington and she made the transition effortless. I didn't have to bother with making friends; they came standard issue with Rosalie. To our families and our peers, our relationship made sense as well—both of our fathers were well-known figures in the community, so we were on equal socio-economic footing. Still, I sensed that everyone regarded me with a bit of suspicion. I didn't play the role nearly as well as my brother, Emmett, and I think it made people uneasy that I had no desire to do so.

Life in Forks, my hometown, was very different for me. My family was well regarded there, and Emmett was just as popular, but I barely had any friends. I spent my lunches playing piano in the music room, or working on projects in the art room. My evenings were almost always entirely free to listen to music, read, or write. I loved it. I loved the rain and the lush forests and I loved the simplicity of life there. And while my classmates didn't 'get' me there either, they thankfully left me alone because of Emmett.

But my strange sense of dissatisfaction with everything was just as permeating there, so when Rosalie brought the promise of something entirely different, I decided to go for it and see what happened. And then somewhere along the way, I became entrenched. And although she would never show it to the world, deep down, Rosalie was a very vulnerable soul. She needed me, and I was sort of a sucker for that. I couldn't really bear to let her down. Whether or not that was actually fair to either of us, I wasn't sure. I had begun to realize that maybe I would never feel 'right,' so it might have been better to stop looking for something more, and just be happy with what I had.

I turned into the expansive driveway at the Hale residence—a roundabout lined with small lantern lights and a fountain in the centre. My mom loved this driveway. I pulled up in next to Jasper's '65 Ford Mustang Fastback and cut the engine. As always, I admired the black beauty before going inside. Dual overhead cam engine and completely restored black leather interior. A silver cross hung from the rearview mirror—man, that guy was such a bullshitter.

I walked up to the front door and as I reached for the handle, the door swung open revealing a very perturbed Rosalie.

"Edward fucking Cullen, it's 3:15," she said, hands on her hips.

"I know, Rose, I'm sorry, I just couldn't wake up. I got in later than you, you know, I had to drop everyone off."

Of all the people who should have been drunk at that stupid party last night, it should have been me—just so I could deal. But of course, Rosalie wanted to drink and so did everyone else, so I got stuck being the designated driver. It was absolutely hilarious that she would be mad at me, considering she spent the entire night flirting with just about every guy there. That really should have bothered me more, come to think of it.

"You can sleep when you're old! Like, half our day is gone now and I've been so bored. I almost decided to bail on you and just go to Fashion Square with Carmen and Vic," she huffed.

"Well, you could have gone if that's what you wanted to do," I said, pushing past her and heading towards the kitchen.

"I didn't because I'm not an asshole like you. Jeez, you could have at least called! Did you get my voicemail?"

"Yes, I did. But I figured it would better for me to get ready and come over here, rather than waste the time fighting about me running late on the phone," I sighed, opening the fridge.

"_Waste_ the time? Am I a waste of time?"

"Fighting, Rosalie, is almost always a waste of time."

"We wouldn't be fighting right now if you had called to let me know that you were running late."

I pulled a carton of orange juice from the fridge, and a Hot Pocket from the freezer. "I wouldn't bet on that."

"Argh! Edward, you completely exasperate me! And you better put that damn Hot Pocket on a plate—Daddy was livid when he saw all that crusted cheese in the microwave last time. He doesn't like giving Dottie unnecessary work!"

Dottie was their cleaning lady and Reverend and Mrs. Hale always made sure the house was completely clean for her before she got there.

I grabbed a plate from cupboard and tossed the Hot Pocket into the microwave—T minus three minutes until cheesy, saucy, pockety goodness.

"Now where was I?" Rosalie asked.

Luckily Jasper walked into the kitchen then and I was so thankful for the distraction that I nearly wanted to hug him, except that he was clad in only a pair of gray boxer-briefs and the silver cross and dog tags that he never seemed to remove.

"Hello little children, it's a beautiful day!" he said, scratching his stomach.

I gave him a quick wave and turned back to the microwave. I didn't ever need to see that much Jasper.

"Jasper, put some damn clothes on!" Rosalie barked.

"That's just what I was planning to do little sis, my outfit of choice is in the laundry room. But I think I want to give my favorite sister a good morning hug first!"

She screamed as he wrapped his arms around her. "Gross, get off of me! Jasper you're messing up my hair, get off!"

"Edwin, would you like a little hug too?" he asked opening his arms to me.

I laughed and poured myself some juice. No one could get Rosalie worked up like Jasper, and it was pretty funny to watch.

"Ugh, do _not_ call him Edwin. Edward is bad enough," she snapped, walking to the mirror in the hall to fix her hair.

"Now, now Rosalie, men with old-fashioned names make better lovers. Trust me on that. Plus, what is old will eventually become new again," he reassured her.

He turned back to me. "Oh, Hot Pocket. Perfect. I have a date today and I will probably treat the little lady to some food, but I could use an amuse-bouche," he said. "Edward, can you whip me up one of those while I slip into something a little less comfortable?"

I nodded and grabbed another Hot Pocket from the freezer. Jasper headed into the laundry room and then appeared a few minutes later, fully clothed.

"Mmmm, Lavender Breeze Bounce. She won't be able to resist me," he said, inhaling his shirt.

"You seriously have a date? Like in the daytime? That doesn't involve a motel?" Rosalie asked, taking my glass of orange juice and sitting at the table.

"Well, I am kind of hoping it _will_ involve a motel, but she's a coy little kitten so I won't get my hopes up. Actually, she's one of your classmates."

Rosalie rolled her eyes. "Of course. You are such a pig. Who is it?"

"It's none other than a little Miss Bella…" he thought for a moment and then grabbed his phone and scrolled, "Swan. Miss Bella Swan."

What? There couldn't be more than one Bella Swan at St. Mary's but…really?

"Huh. She's not my classmate, or if she is she's a nobody, because I've never heard of her. Weird name," Rosalie said, flipping through a magazine on the table.

"She's a junior. She's in two of my classes though," I said, still trying to process the idea of Jasper dating that girl in my math and bio classes.

"Yes, she's as smart as she is beautiful, I believe. But more importantly, ripe for the picking—so don't wait up, cupcakes!"

"Isn't she a little young, even for you?" I asked.

"Well…she's legal," he said, pondering the question for a minute. "Age ain't nothin' but a number anyway."

I couldn't really put a finger on the feeling Jasper's comments gave me, but I guess it would be closest to disgust. I did like the guy, but when it came to women he always managed to make me cringe. He talked openly about his sexual conquests and his preference for younger girls. I had to wonder about any guy who was so interested in having sex with young inexperienced girls. Was he that nervous about his performance? Was he afraid of being compared to other men? Was he afraid of being intellectually challenged by someone his own age, or God forbid, older?

I didn't really know Bella Swan but I figured if she was in two of my classes she must have been pretty smart. She wasn't ugly but I couldn't really remember if she was pretty either. But more than that she just didn't strike me as the type that would fall for Jasper's schtick, and even though I didn't know her, listening to him talk about her like some kind animal to be hunted kind of bothered me. I guess I preferred his conquests to be nameless and faceless.

When Jasper talked like this, I always felt bad for Rosalie. With a brother who objectified women like that, it's no wonder she had such low self-esteem. And it may not have seemed like it, but she really did.

"She seems like a nice girl, Jasper, maybe you should just leave her be," I said, surprised to hear that comment escape my lips.

"Well now, that's exactly why I like her. I can't resist a sweetheart, you know," he responded, grabbing the Hot Pocket from the microwave.

"Right, you _really_ _like_ her. That's why you've spent this entire time talking about fucking her."

"Edward, gosh, you're such a sensitive being. What's wrong with meeting a pretty, sweet girl and wanting to make love to her? I'm only human, buddy."

"I don't think making love is what you're after. And would you even look at her if she were, oh I don't know, your age?"

Jasper sighed. "The Lord gave me these tastes, and that's my cross to bear. I'm not too proud, but at least I am honest with myself, and with her more or less." He raised his eyebrow at me and I knew what he was trying to convey.

And he had a point.

"Oh cut the bullshit, Jasper. The Lord has nothing to do with you fucking teenagers and you know it. Daddy would kill you if he heard you say shit like that," Rosalie said.

"We all interpret the Bible to make it applicable to our unique realities, Rose. Your Daddy does too, more so than I would ever dare," he answered, pointing his half-eaten Hot Pocket at her.

She glared at him. "Oh just go on your date with your stupid nerd girl. Enjoy the blue balls."

He just laughed and headed towards the front hall. Before leaving the kitchen he turned to me.

"Have fun with this one today," he said gesturing to Rosalie. "She's in a right state!"

. . .

Rose released me around ten because she wanted to sleep over at Victoria's house. I was about to call my friend Eli to see if he wanted to go grab a coffee, but I changed my mind, realizing I wasn't really in the mood to socialize.

Instead I went home and sat in front of the piano. I put my fingers on the keys a few times, but the music wouldn't come, so I just sat there, staring at the sheet music in front of me. I was feeling more than a little disturbed at how much that conversation with Jasper bothered me. Or rather, why it bothered me.

The answer to those questions seemed to be rather elusive so I decided that reading would do a better job of occupying my mind. Just as I pulled _Flowers of Evil _from the bookshelf, the phone rang.

"Hello?" I said.

"Broski! How's it goin?" came Emmett's exuberant and probably drunken voice at the other end of the line.

"All right, Em, how's Indiana?"

"Lame, I need me some Arizona. Is it hot there yet?"

"Yeah, it was pretty warm today. Eighties."

"Listen, dude, do me a favor transfer some of your dough into my account, okay?"

"What? You ran out? I'm sure Dad left a lot of money in that account, Emmett. What did you spend it on?"

"You know how it is... books, food, weekend in Vegas where luck was not my lady…"

"Nice. Emmett, why the fuck would you do that?"

"'Cause like ten minutes after I got to the blackjack table this smoking hot chick starts hanging around me, thinking I'm a high roller. I had to put on a bit of a show! At least the casino ended up comping my room…and the girl too if you know what I mean."

"Jesus, Em. How much do you need?"

"Only a month left of the semester…let's say 1.5K?

"No way, I'm gonna transfer eight hundred and you can be frugal for awhile. And if Dad asks about it, I'm gonna rat you out."

"Thanks, little bro. I'll call you if I need more."

"Yeah," I said, dismissing him. "Later."

"Oh hey, say hi to Rosalie for me," he said. I could hear the smile in his voice.

"Yep, later," I said and hung up.

Emmett liked to joke around about him and Rosalie, thinking he could get a rise out of me, but I couldn't help but think there was something more to that. They both spent last summer flirting incessantly. Again, that should have bothered me more.

. . .

Sunday was perfect. Rosalie was occupied with church stuff for the morning and I had to be home for Sunday dinner, which meant the day was mine. Sleep righted my brain a little bit and I was in better spirits, so I decided to call Eli.

"Cullen, what's up?" he asked, picking up on the first ring.

"Hey, Eli. My day is wide open til 6:30, wanna do something?"

"Definitely, Carmen is going out with Rose later actually, prom shopping. How much shit do they need for one stupid dance?"

"I know, seriously. So, I was thinking we could just drive out to South Mountain Park or something."

"Yeah, that sounds good. You're driving?"

"Yep, pick you up in half an hour?"

"All right, see ya."

We spent the day wandering South Mountain. It wasn't bad a bad way to spend the afternoon. It wasn't great either, but it was kind of what I needed. I didn't want to spend the day alone, but I needed to be with someone who was easy, who didn't need to fill every little gap in conversation. Eli was the closest thing I had to that in Phoenix.

Around five o'clock I pulled back into Eli's driveway. He lived in an older development, a 1960s style middle class subdivision with Spanish style homes and expansive yards. I liked it a lot.

"All right, dude, I'll see you tomorrow. Don't forget practice is cancelled tomorrow. Sweet freedom!"

I nodded and waved as he stepped out of the car.

I drove to the end of Eli's street and then turned onto Mojave Street. As I neared the exit of the development I noticed a familiar looking car—Black '65 Ford Mustang Fastback. It had to be Jasper's. I drove slowly past it and saw the silver cross hanging from the rearview. I looked back at the house. What was he doing there?

My hands clenched the steering wheel. I felt sure it was her house, although I had no reason to, and no way of confirming that suspicion. I came to the end of the road but instead of turning out, I did a u-turn and drove past the house again. Didn't she have parents? Surely Jasper wasn't there for Sunday dinner. What the fuck was he doing there?

I parked a few houses down behind a blue Toyota Corolla. I knew it was weird and creepy and pathetic but I couldn't help it. I just sat there and watched the house. An hour went by and nothing. My frustration mounted, both with the situation and with myself. There was no logical reason for the things I was feeling.

Twenty minutes later, the door opened and they emerged. My breath hitched when I saw her. I had seen her probably a thousand times before, although I couldn't really recall any of them. I wouldn't forget this time.

They walked together down the front lawn towards the Mustang. I couldn't see her that well, only her long brown hair and the vague outline of her small body. She leaned against the front door of the car and Jasper leaned into her. I turned away, not wanting to see what came next. When my heart started again it felt like it was beating twice as fast.

When I looked up again, Jasper was pulling away and Bella was walking back into the house. I shut my eyes and tried to steady my breathing.

_Oh, Bella, what did you do?_

"Fuck," I spat at my ridiculous thoughts. What the fuck did I care what she did?

This was absurd. I was nearly going to be late for dinner, so I turned the key in the ignition and started the car. I backed up and then punched the gas, peeling down her street and past her house, wondering at what point I had completely lost my fucking mind.

. . .

Sleep didn't come easily. I'm not sure if it came at all. I spent most of the night replaying the scene from earlier over and over. But I was no longer interested in theorizing what happened in that house—I was deconstructing my bizarre reaction to it all.

I looked at the clock obsessively, willing the hours to advance and the alarm clock to ring. Bio was second period and I needed to see her. I needed to see her in those familiar surroundings to see if this was all just my imagination twisting things. I couldn't even remember where she sat. Why did this girl seem to materialize out of nowhere?

At 6:50, the alarm clock buzzed and I sat up.

"Finally," I sighed. That was definitely a first.

I got ready quickly and arrived at school way too early. That never happened. I sat in homeroom and read until the classroom started to fill and the first bell rang. I had one period to get through—English.

Of course it dragged on forever. I doodled, I took notes, I read, and finally the last bell rang. I was out the door and on my way to Bio before the rest of my classmates had even gotten out of their seats.

I was the first one in the classroom. I sat patiently staring at the door. I felt mildly nervous as the classroom began to fill up.

Then she walked into the room.

Our eyes met immediately and she blushed violently. I tried to break my gaze but I couldn't. I couldn't seem to focus on anything except her big brown eyes boring into mine. She looked exactly the same as she always did, but this time the sight of her elicited a completely new reaction from me. It was as if she was out of focus before, but the moment our eyes met she was completely clear and real and beautiful.

I hadn't found the answers to any of the questions in my head, but one truth was painfully clear.

I didn't want Jasper Hale anywhere fucking near her.


	4. Job 31:11 12

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight series. No copyright infringement intended.**

**A/N: Thanks more than ever to Legna989 for going above and beyond the call of Beta to add Laurent's frigging hilarious accent. No offense intended to those of French descent (that includes me!)—just having fun… And thanks to all the ladies on the thread and Twitter (links on my profile) you gals are THE BEST. EVER.**

**Go to The Fictionators blog, pls—they rec and review some great fic, and I'm insanely honored that they included mine in that list this week! http://fictionators(dot)blogspot(dot)com

* * *

**

_"11 For lust is a shameful sin, a crime that should be punished. 12 It is a fire that burns all the way to hell. It would wipe out everything I own."_

_**Job 31:11-12

* * *

**_

_**Jasper Hale**_

"Boys, I don't know what I've done to deserve it, but I seem to be constantly bathed in the good grace of the Lord," I said as we all climbed into Felix's yuppie mobile.

He always used to tease me about being part of a cult, but the Beamer he drove, the clothes he wore and the values he held told me he was the one drinking the Kool-Aid. Still, old friendships die hard and there was still a spark of the old Felix in there when he wasn't buried in Gantt charts and financial statements.

"What good grace? You struck out, didn't you?" James asked, although there was no upward inflection at the end of his statement.

"Hardly. James, you struck out, I simply laid groundwork," I said, fiddling with the radio tuner.

"You didn't lay shit, that's the problem," came his insightful retort.

"Because you have no hands-on experience, let me school you in the ways of teenage girls. Sluts aside, they almost all follow The Date model. Any sort of sexual activity is measured in dates. Sometimes it's an even and steady progression, and sometimes it's not, but it's still all based on dates. First date could be a kiss, or nothing. Second date could be a kiss or its slightly slutty French cousin. Third date could be Frenchie or Frenchie and her friend Boobs. Point is: you can't go from point A to point F just like that. You have to lay the groundwork. If you're lucky you'll get a mid-range chick who starts with tongue and gives it up three dates in. Start on Friday and you could be crossing the threshold by Sunday or Monday. Not this chick though; I thought maybe there was an outside chance I could get her to go somewhere with me tonight, which would count as date one and possibly get me at least up her shirt by Sunday, but she wasn't having it. And damn if I don't kind of love her for it."

Peter snorted. "You are too fucking much, man."

"Uh, I'm a little lost, what makes that girl so worth it?" James asked.

"Did you see her? I can just tell she's gonna be a barrel full of monkeys."

"So what's the time limit on this, if she doesn't put out?" James asked, removing his hat and scratching his head.

"Jesus, you don't ask a question like that. I've got to see it through now, you dumbass, otherwise what's the point?"

"What if she says she's saving herself? Are you gonna marry her?"

"No girl saves herself; that's a farce. Any girl who says that just isn't into you. No girl has ever said that to me."

Felix shook his head and laughed. "What are you, the Yoda of sex?"

"Shit, no. That guy was bunk—size definitely matters," I responded, finally settling on a classic rock station. One does not turn the dial if "Free Bird" is playing.

"All right, this whole conversation is creeping me the hell out; change the subject or turn up the music," Peter begged.

I obliged, turning it up. Felix dropped Peter off at his apartment, and then James and I at my place. We stood in the driveway after Felix pulled away.

"This is bullshit, it's early as fuck," James said, pulling his cigarettes from his back pocket.

"True. The night is young, got any suggestions?"

He lit his cigarette and took a long drag, appearing deep in thought. As he exhaled he said, "There's this party at one of the apartments near campus. Laurent is going, he says they always get pretty crazy."

"Laurent? God, I hate that French fuck," I groaned.

"I know, I know but he always has loads of good hash."

"You're right, let's go."

We hopped into Pearl, my car and the only woman I'll ever truly love, and headed to Tempe.

"How many beers did I have?" I asked.

"I dunno. A bunch, but like throughout the evening. Why, are you drunk?"

"No, but you know, there are limits and what not."

"You're fine," he said.

"Aww, thanks, baby. You're kinda cute too."

The party was more or less bullshit, but Laurent, the pompous froggy bastard, did make good on the hash, and the place was full. Of course, the bees flocked to my sweet honey and before long I found myself in a dark bedroom with a cute blonde Slovakian exchange student named Irina.

"Ohhh, man, I'm sooo stoned," she giggled against my mouth.

I was grateful for the darkness as it prevented her from seeing the many eye rolls she elicited.

"God, you're so hot," she growled, raking her hands up my chest.

_Still a little lame, but I'll take it._

"Do you want a blow job?"

_I get off and you're prevented from talking? Ding! Yes please._

"Well, I certainly can't say no to that," I said.

With that, she slipped to the floor and crawled between my legs. There were some distinct benefits associated with college girls as well.

She unzipped my pants and reached inside. She froze for a second and then gripped me hard.

_Okay, hurts a little bit, but let's see where she's going with this…_

I heard a choking sound, or maybe a gagging sound, and before my brain could compute she lurched forward and puked into my lap. She slumped down and I jumped off the bed.

"_Oh fuck! Fuck_ you've got to be _kidding me!_"

"Sorry," she mumbled, pressing her face against the carpet.

"You didn't, oh fuck, I don't believe this…"

She merely nuzzled herself against the carpet, mumbling apologies.

I bolted to the bathroom and grabbed a towel. I ran it under the sink and began to wipe myself off. I gagged several times during the process, threatening to add to the mess, but somehow I managed to keep it down. When I finished my entire crotch was soaked. I pulled my jacket off and tied it around my waist in an effort to somewhat cover up the giant wet spot. I walked out into the living room and surveyed the crowd for James.

"J," I shouted, waving him over. "I need to get the fuck out of here right now."

"Why? What about the blonde?"

"She fucking _puked_ in my _lap_."

James's mouth dropped open. After a moment, he busted out laughing. "No! Oh man, oh my God, oh fuck that's amazing. Oh sick!"

I glared and waited for him to finish.

"Oh fuck…Okay, okay, let's go. Oh shit. Did you clean it?" he asked, glancing at my crotch.

"Yes, I fucking cleaned it but now I need to go home and shower seven times."

"All right, all right, let's go." I could tell he was desperately trying to hold back his laughter, which was a wise decision on his part.

We both turned to the door and then I stopped. "Wait. Neither of us can drive. Fuck. How do we get out of here?"

"Let's just call a cab, man."

"No fucking way I'm leaving Pearl here with these jokers. No way."

"We what else are we gonna do?"

"Is there anyone here who is sober?"

James crossed the room and hopped up onto the coffee table. He shoved his fingers in his mouth and blew out an ear-piercing whistle.

"Hey, listen! Is there anyone here who's sober?" he shouted.

The party-goers turned back to each other, murmuring, and finally someone stepped forward. Some average-looking Joe College in khakis.

"I am, I've got the LSAT tomorrow," he said.

I looked him over and sighed.

"Listen we need to go home, but I drove here. Can you do me a favor and drive us home in my car? I'll pay for you to take a cab back here. We're just in Phoenix."

"That's all I get? A cab ride?" Douchebag asked.

"Fine. You get a hundred bucks and the chance to drive the best fucking car in the world. That's worth more than the hundred bucks alone."

"What kind of car?" he asked.

"Listen, are you going to fucking do it or not?" I was about three seconds from punching this guy in the face, just for the hell of it.

"Yeah, yeah, I'll do it, let's go."

Just as we were exiting the apartment Laurent came jogging over to us.

"Zhames, Zhaspair, are you leefink? 'Oo ees drivink you?" he said.

"What?" James said, sneering. He turned to me, "I swear I don't understand a fucking thing this guy says."

"This guy is driving us," I said gesturing to DB in Khakis. "Thanks for the party, Laurent." I was so eager to leave I didn't even bother to add my usual thinly veiled insult. "Oh, and go check on the girl in the bedroom by the bathroom. Someone should take her home."

He nodded. "Conseedair eet done!"

We got down to the car and Douchekhaki starting geeking out over it as expected.

"Oh, man, this is a sweet ass ride. Did you restore it yourself?" he asked as I unlocked the door and let him in the driver's side.

I went around to the passenger's side and hopped in. When we were all in the car he put his hand out for the keys. I turned to him and held them up.

"Yes, I did. Now listen. I want you to drive the speed limit. I want you to keep your hands at ten and two, and so help me god if you look away from the road once, I will drag you out of the car and beat the cowboy shit out of you. Got it?"

He swallowed once and nodded. "Yeah, don't worry. Never had an accident yet!"

I shook my head, kissed my hand and grabbed the cross dangling off the rearview, "Shut the hell up! Don't jinx your shit, man."

James was cracking up in the back seat.

"Sorry. Can we go?"

I nodded and he carefully started the ignition, checked every mirror twice and pulled out of the parking spot painfully slowly.

_I'm sorry, Pearl, Daddy will never do this to you again._

Douchekhaki white knuckled it all the way home without incident. When we got there I gave him a hundred bucks and called him a cab. When the cab arrived I gave the driver the fare back to Tempe.

"Well, that was the worst fucking night ever," I sighed as we headed into my house.

"No, the worst fucking night ever was the time that chick's boyfriend walked in on you and he chased you out the house naked and you had to call me to come pick you up and I was drunk so I had the girl I was with drive us out there and then it ended up that you had slept with her and never called again and so she left us both stranded and I had to lend you my boxers and the cab driver totally thought we were having gay sex in the bushes or something."

"All right, fine. That was the worst fucking night ever."

We slipped quietly into the house. As we headed upstairs James whispered, "Hey, Jazz?"

"Yeah?"

"Did she puke pre-, mid-, or post-BJ?"

"Pre."

"Dude. Sucks," he consoled me.

"You know what, J? I think I'm okay with that."

I grasped the knob on the bathroom door and waved to James.

"Later, dude. I'll be in Rosalie's room if you need me."

"All right," I said, rolling my eyes.

James continued past Rose's room and headed toward one of the guest rooms.

. . .

James was gone when I woke up at the ungodly hour of two p.m. Normally I would not drag myself out of bed so early, but I woke up thinking of Pretty Brown Eyes from the night before. Pre-party disaster.

Normally I'd frown on that sort of behavior but she left me with just enough to whet my palate, so I figured once I got a good feed, she'd fade into the background nicely.

I hauled my ass out of bed and into the shower. I had a burning hot thirty-minute one when I got home but I figured another wouldn't be a bad idea. Plus, I did my best thinking in the shower, so I decided to use the time to strategize.

As much as I wanted to drive Bella to some remote part of the desert and devour her for a couple of hours, I figured she wasn't going to go for that, so I needed a plan. This was date one, so the idea was to make it short, get at least an on the mouth kiss, and score date two for Sunday. I mean, Christ, I didn't have forever.

I decided the best idea would be to take her to a movie. I wouldn't have to talk to her too much, it was definitely a date kind of activity, and we'd be done in plenty of time for me to go party after that. Although, right now the word party alone activated my gag reflex.

With strategizing done so early in the shower, that left me with some time to think about that pretty face of hers, that pretty mouth, and that little plaid skirt that I so desperately wanted to see bunched around her hips. I placed my arm against the tiled wall and pressed my forehead to my forearm. My breathing quickened as I conjured up some even more pleasant images of her sans uniform.

I left the shower feeling relaxed and ready to take whatever little Bella had to dish out. I went through my closet and then remembered that I had tossed most of my stuff in the laundry last night, so I discarded my towel, threw on a pair of boxers and headed downstairs.

I arrived in the kitchen to find my ever-cheerful sweetheart of a sister and her pouty hair model boyfriend there, doing nothing as usual.

My attempts to bring a little levity to the room were dashed when Edward had a particularly sassy reaction to the idea of me going out with Bella. Curious. I knew Edward probably thought I was a creep, which is why I went out of my way to perpetuate that idea—but I was not expecting him to get so riled up at the suggestion of me dating his classmate. _Methinks thou doth tweak out too much, Edward._

I probably could have stayed and baited him a bit more, but I had a phone call to make.

"Hello?" _First ring. Nice._

"Hey, may I speak to a Miss Bella Swan?"

"Hi, Jasper," came her calm response. _Oh, come on now honey, no need to play it cool._

"Please tell me that you haven't met some Prince Charming since last night?"

"Nope, still waiting in my tower." _God, she made my dick hurt._

"Wonderful, so how about you let your hair down around four-thirty Maybe we could watch a movie?"

"Sounds good. What movie?"

"Your choice, look them up while I'm on my way over. What's your address?"

"127 Mojave Street, in the Red Cliffs development. Do you know it?"

"Sure do. See you at four-thirty, sugar."

And four-thirty it was when I pulled up at her house. I never make a lady wait. If I'm late, it means I ain't coming.

I strolled up to the front door and rang the bell. I was surprised when Bella's mom answered the door. I guess I should have expected that, but it was a little early to be meeting the parents. I usually did that around…never.

"Hi," her mom said, looking confused.

"Hi there, I'm Jasper. I'm here to see Bella." I felt like Beaver fucking Cleaver. _Come on, Brown Eyes, get your cute little ass down here._

"Jasper…" she trailed off.

"Sorry, Jasper Hale."

"Huh. As in the Reverend Hale? The TV guy?"

"Yes, the very same. Well, I'm not him, I'm his son."

"Yeah, I figured. How old are you, Jasper?"

Just then, Bella came bounding down the stairs. I tried hard not to show any sort of outward reaction to her outfit. Such a teeny tiny pair of black shorts, such a thin little camisole.

"Down, Mom, we're going to see a movie, okay?"

"Mmhmmm," her Mom responded, still looking at me.

Bella stepped outside and pulled the door closed.

"Sorry, she's a bit nosy."

"No problem, she was pretty easy compared to some parents, I'd imagine."

"Yeah, she's not bad. You're lucky I don't live with my dad. He'd probably grill you for an hour with his shotgun pointed at your head."

_Sorry, sweetheart, even you're not worth that._

"So, don't I get a hug?" I asked, giving her my sweetest smile.

"Um…In the car. I don't want to give Renee the wrong idea."

_The what? The _wrong_ idea?_

She stopped as we approached the car. "Whoa, nice car."

"Bella, this is Pearl. She is very important to me."

"You named it?"

I pressed my finger to her lips. "Her. Not it."

She swatted my finger away. "Hmm, funny you decided it…she…was a female."

"Oh, don't go reading into things, Miss Smarty Pants. Cars, boats, things of that nature are always referred to in the feminine form."

"All right, well, it's nice to meet Pearl. She's beautiful."

"Thank you," I said, opening the car door for her.

After I got in, I turned to her. "Okay, so what movie are we seeing?"

"Well actually OneNightCinema is doing this independent horror film fest thing. It looks kind of cool."

_Horror movies? So you can snuggle up close and feel protected? Absofuckinglutely._

"That sounds awesome, I'm impressed, Brown Eyes." I bit my lip as my little nickname for her slipped out.

"Brown Eyes?" she asked.

"Yeah, you've got pretty brown eyes. I just can't help but call you that in my head."

She blushed. Maybe that little slip-up wasn't such a bad thing.

"Weird. Brown eyes are so boring. No one ever really likes them."

"Not true, yours happen to be a very lovely shade of brown. Van Morrison seemed to do well with his love for brown eyes."

"Heh…Charlie used to sing that to me when I was little."

"Your dad?"

"Yep."

"What's with the whole first name basis with your parents?"

"I don't know, I've been doing it since I was kid. Sometimes I feel like the parent with those two. 'Mom' and 'Dad' don't always feel natural, at least not when I'm talking about them to other people. Especially Charlie, because we moved away when I was so young and I only saw him a few times a year. Although when I'm with him, I have to call him Dad."

"I guess that makes sense. Your mom's pretty cute," I said, grinning at her.

She slapped my arm. "Ew, sick."

When we turned out of her development I pulled over to the side of the road. She turned to me with a furrowed brow.

"What's wrong?" she asked, scanning the surroundings.

"You promised me a hug in the car. You're not a liar are you?"

Another blush, but when I opened my arms she leaned over and wrapped her arms around my neck. I took a brief moment to smell her delicious hair.

"Okay, are we good?" she asked shifting back into her seat.

"Hmm, no, I think I need another one of those."

"Come on, Jasper, the movie starts at five-twenty!" she whined.

"Fine, I'll rain-check you, just this once."

I expected the movie to involve lots of squealing, clutching, head burying, and maybe a little bit of making out. A hand job would have been nice, but I wasn't delusional. Instead, the first part of the movie involved her shoveling Junior Mints into her mouth, occasionally throwing some at me, and then she was totally engrossed in the actual film. Some parts were gory, most parts were frightening, but she didn't really flinch. I wanted a taste of that minty chocolaty mouth but she barely so much as glanced at me during the movie.

When we exited the cinema I was feeling a little bit grumpy.

"What's wrong? You didn't like it, did you?" She frowned.

Her sad little mouth tugged at my heart. Weird. "No, I liked it I swear, it's just—you don't want to go home now do you?"

"Did you want to do something else?" She flipped my question back to me.

"Yes, I do. Why don't we just go to a diner or something and get some food."

"Okay, sure." She wrapped her arms around her waist. The sun was almost down and it had cooled off considerably. "I forgot to bring a sweater, duh."

I laughed. "Don't worry, I have a jacket in the car."

I opened the trunk and grabbed the jacket. She reached out for it, but I stepped behind her and wrapped it around her shoulders. I stood there for a moment, not quite ready to let go, and before I did, I pressed my lips against her hair.

When I let go, she was blushing as she slipped her arms into the jacket.

"Wow, I'm really hungry," she said after a moment.

"All right, let's go to the 5 & Diner or something," I said.

"Yes! I could totally go for a milkshake."

We spent a few hours at the diner. She housed a burger and milkshake like a champ, and we talked. She told me about her parents' divorce, about her dad in Oregon and her young stepfather, a minor league baseball player. Both seemed a little threatening to a guy like me, but I was definitely glad her police chief dad didn't live anywhere around here. If he did he'd probably already know me.

She talked more than I expected; some of the subject matter was interesting, some not so much, but I never really got bored. When she was talking about stuff I wasn't interested in, I was content just to watch her.

She had some strange, awkward mannerisms. She didn't look at me very much when I she spoke, but when she did it was with unflinching full eye contact. She fidgeted and seemed to enjoy tearing paper into tiny bits, like the straw wrapper, the paper placemat, and the napkins. She bit her lip a lot and played with her hair. All of this made my jeans considerably tighter.

She asked me a lot of questions about me, and my family too, and I answered them honestly for the most part, although I generally tried to steer the conversation back to her.

"I kinda thought you weren't gonna call today, to be honest," she said, folding a napkin over and over.

"Why did you think that?"

"Just 'cause it was late when you did, I guess."

"I'm a bit of a late riser on the weekends. Shit, I thought I woke up early today."

"What time did you wake up?"

"Two-thirty."

"Ha! That is not early."

"Hey, I probably didn't go to bed 'til close to five. I had a rough night last night, cut me some slack!"

"What was so rough about it, what did you do?"

"Just went to a pretty bad party, drank too much, long ride home with a stranger driving Pearl, which _never_ happens." I felt oddly relieved that I was more or less telling the truth.

She yawned and rubbed her eyes.

"You're getting tired. C'mon, I'll take you home," I said.

I resigned myself to the fact that I wasn't getting any tonight, but I was certainly going to try to see her again on Sunday.

"Sorry, I'm fine."

I tossed some bills on the table and stood up. "Now, I can't bring you back to your mother all half dead. It's okay—I'll take you home. I'm okay with it because I'll be seeing you tomorrow again anyway."

She smirked. "Oh, really?"

"Yes, really. When can I see you? Do I have to wake up at nine a.m.?" I asked, holding the door open for her.

"No." She laughed. "Whenever, I'm around all day."

"Do you have to be home for Sunday dinner or something?"

She got a good chuckle out of that. "No, we don't really do that sort of thing. Renee and Phil will be gone all day anyway; he's got a game."

_Home alone? All day?_

"Well, all right then, I'll come by tomorrow and keep you company."

She smiled a little bit at that. I opened the car door for her and she slipped inside.

We were quiet for most of the drive home, just listening to the music.

When I pulled up in front of her house she reached out to grab the door handle and I put my arm across her, halting her movement.

"Wait," I said.

I got out of the car and went around to the passenger side and opened the door for her.

"Sorry, I have to do that," I said.

She nodded and accepted my hand to help her out.

She leaned against the car and said, "Oh, here's your jacket." She started to remove it but I pulled it back over her shoulders and wrapper her tight in it.

"I'll get it tomorrow," I said.

"Okay," she said, looking up at me. "Well, thanks for the movie and the food and—"

Her eyes darted to my mouth and that was enough for me. I leaned in closer and pressed my lips against hers. I gave her a moment to settle into the kiss before running my tongue gently between her lips. She opened her mouth to give me full access. I moved my hand to her neck and then back into her hair and deepened the kiss. Her arms remained wrapped around her waist for a few moments before she moved one hand to my arm.

After several minutes, when my body started reacting, I pulled away. She stared at me for a moment as brushed her hair away from her face.

"I should go inside," she mumbled, the blush finally surfacing.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Bella," I said, kissing her gently on the forehead.

"'Kay…" she said. Poor girl was in a bit of a daze.

I watched her walk back up the lawn and into the house before I hopped back in the car.

I was pretty satisfied with my progress. It may not have been much, but that kiss was…heavy.

When I was still thinking about it later at home, I decided to call James—I clearly needed to get out. He came by and we headed to a local blues bar, this time leaving Pearl at home.

Four beers in James suddenly remembered my plans for the day.

"Hey, didn't you go out with that girl from The Loco today?"

"Yes, I did," I said cautiously.

"And…"

"And we went to a movie."

"A movie? What the hell is wrong with you? Did you actually watch the movie?"

"James, just because I went out with a high school girl doesn't mean I want to act like one."

"Dude, you never had a problem with me living vicariously though you before."

He had a point, but I didn't feel like addressing it.

"This is a great band. I'd like to listen to this band now," I said.

"You're going squirrelly on me, Jasper. I'm watching you."

I nodded and took a swig of my beer, wishing I had called Peter or Felix instead.

I woke up a few times in the early morning hours. The first time I woke up, I was in a sweat and the first thoughts that came to my head were of her, and the various impure things I wanted to do to her. The second time, I decided that the whole thing was bullshit and that I wasn't going to call her tomorrow, or see her ever again. The third time, I wondered if she was up, and if she would answer her phone. I talked myself out of that one pretty quickly and after that I managed to sleep soundlessly until two-thirty again.

When I got out of bed that afternoon, my mind had thankfully righted itself and I decided to stay the course. What would be the point of this weekend if all I ever got was a kiss? You could call me a lot of things, but a quitter wasn't one of them.

I called her shortly after I got up and told her that I was going to go over to her house first and then we could decide what we wanted to do. Her parents weren't home, though, so of course I had no intentions of taking her anywhere.

. . .

"Hey," she said, smiling shyly as she opened the door.

I bit my lip as I surveyed today's outfit. As much as I appreciated her Monday through Friday gear, the little navy and white floral print sundress she was sporting today just about blew my mind.

"Hey yourself," I said before letting out a low whistle. "I gotta say, you're lookin' a little too pretty today."

She smiled and crossed her arms over her waist. "You don't look so bad yourself. C'mon in."

I followed her into the kitchen, which was simple but nicely appointed. My mother's decorating taste was so over the top and vomit-inducing that I really appreciated her plain little house.

She leaned against the counter. "So, what do you feel like doing?"

I moved beside her and leaned back as well. "To be honest, I'd really like to just hang out here with you. I don't feel like sharing you with the general public today," I said, thanking Jesus for my height advantage.

She smirked in that slightly bashful way that drove me wild. "I don't know if there's much to do here. I guess we could watch a movie."

I could think of a few things I wanted to do. "A movie would be perfect. I'm kinda tired. Late night again."

She led me into the family room. "What do you do when you go out? Like, how come you're always out so late?"

I shrugged. "Last night, James and I just went to a bar. We didn't do much but still managed to stay out 'til three."

"That guy James really pissed my friend Jess off the other night. Apparently he told her that it was obvious she was easy," she said, smiling a little bit.

"Was he wrong?"

She frowned. "It's not a nice thing to say to someone."

"I know, James is an ass. He doesn't have much tact, but he's pretty harmless."

"Well, you know, most people judge you by the company you keep."

"Bella, I'm also good friends with a guy who dedicates his life to his MBA, and a graphic designer whose shortest relationship lasted two years and who has a cat named Boots."

"Hmm…" she said, pulling a movie from the shelf.

She showed it to me and I nodded. I didn't give a fuck what we were going to watch.

"Judge not lest ye be judged, Bella."

She popped the DVD into the player and then sat down on the couch.

"Do you really buy all that religious stuff? 'Cause you don't really seem like the religious type," she mused with a cynical expression on her face.

I sat next to her and turned to face her. "What does a religious type look like?"

"Argh…I knew you were going to ask me that."

"Well, it's a fair question."

"I guess I should say you don't seem to _act _like a religious person. I mean, you obviously party a lot, and people say you've been with a lot of girls."

"Does that stuff bother you?" I asked.

She shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I haven't decided yet."

"Really? Because I think you've decided that you're more interested in how you feel about me, than in just blindly adopting other people's perceptions."

She smiled again. "Yeah, I guess that's true. Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you."

I leaned close to her, moving my arm across her waist to rest my hand next to her on the couch.

"I want to kiss you again," I said, my lips just millimeters from hers.

She swallowed and then waited for a moment before she replied, "Okay."

I kissed her just like last night—softly and slowly at first, until I felt her push for more. After a few minutes we were both ravenous, completely engrossed in the feel and the taste of each other's mouths. When I couldn't stand it any longer, I removed my tongue from her mouth and dragged it along her jaw to her neck. My hand moved to her shoulder and I gently pushed her back against the couch, suctioning myself to the soft skin of her neck. I nearly growled when I felt her hands push against my chest. I released her neck with a loud smacking noise.

"I thought you wanted to watch a movie," she said, panting slightly.

I would never understand girls and their fucking stop/start capabilities. My cock was aching for her and she wanted to just stop and watch a movie? I knew I should have expected this but I found it hard to believe. If she felt even _half_ the desire I did, she should have been begging to get naked.

"Okay, okay, put the movie on," I said, knowing better than to push her.

I leaned back against the armrest and held my arms out, signaling for her to lie back against me. She nestled her head against my neck and her ass was lodged conveniently between my legs. She was the worst tease I'd ever come in contact with, but I couldn't hold it against her, as it was obviously unintentional. This girl had no concept of her sexual power.

At some point during the movie, I began absentmindedly rubbing small circles over her stomach. I thought nothing of it until I felt her subtly press herself against me. I moved my hand down just slightly and again I felt her push her ass against me. Whatever sensation my movements gave her, she was most definitely enjoying it. I continued moving soft circles, increasing the radius just a bit. I looked down and saw that her eyes were closed, lips parted just slightly. My cock throbbed at the sight, and with my other hand, I pushed her chin up and pressed my lips to hers.

After God knows how long of tongue-fucking her mouth and her grinding her ass against me, I was nearly about to lose it, and I really needed to touch her somewhere under that dress. Despite the eager movements of her hips, I figured I'd meet considerable backlash if I went below the waist, so instead I very casually slid my hand up her arm to her shoulder and then gently dragged the strap of her dress back down, revealing the most delicious mound of flesh.

Her exposed nipple was already hard, but as I grazed my palm over, it tightened further. It was the most beautiful little pink thing and I wanted it in my mouth immediately. Of course, that would have involved too much movement, leaving time for scrutiny and second thoughts, so instead I just rolled it between my fingers and smiled as she softly gasped against my lips. I moved my other hand up her stomach to the other strap of her dress and pulled that one down and this time her back arched as both my hands moved over her breasts.

Her incessant and increasingly forceful grinding was pushing me to the next level; my wits were no longer about me or anywhere in the vicinity. I moved my hand slowly down her stomach but just as I moved past her lower abdomen, she abruptly sat up.

_Fuck, Jasper, too cocky!_

"Sorry I**–**," I started, not sure what I was apologizing for_. Sorry I was about to make you feel really fucking good?_

"No, it's okay... it's just..." she trailed off, catching her breath.

Her dress sagged around her waist and I tried not to stare but really, who wouldn't? Her eyes followed mine and then her arm flew up across her chest, the opposite hand fumbling for her strap.

"Bella, what's wrong? Look, I didn't mean to push you, I just thought you were enjoying yourself."

"No, no, sorry, it's just"—she glanced at the clock—"I think Renee and Phil will be home soon."

"Should I leave?'

"No, it's okay, we just should watch the movie," she said, still averting her eyes from me.

"Okay, that's fine," I said, while wondering whether it would be impolite to go jack off in her bathroom.

Eventually, as we watched the movie she moved close enough that I could put my arm around her and tuck her against my side, but there was definitely no more kissing or grinding or anything even remotely fun.

Finally, the movie I couldn't care less about ended.

"I better go sweetheart," I said, pinching her cheek, "Sunday dinner is kind of a mandatory thing the Hale household."

She nodded. "Okay, well thanks for coming over. And sorry about—"

"I have to cut you off because I can't imagine what you could possibly be feeling sorry about." I flung my arm around her shoulder and squeezed.

She smiled and shrugged me off. "I'll walk outside with you," she said, heading toward the kitchen. She grabbed a sweater from the table and put it on.

"So, I guess I'll see you later?" she asked.

"Of course you will. I'll call you." She leaned against my car and I leaned into her. "One for the road?"

"Just one," she said, her voice almost a whisper.

My lips lingered against hers for a few moments after the kiss. I closed my eyes and tried to find a name for the strange sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I couldn't, so I just backed away and waved goodbye as I got into my car.

* * *

**Hmm, can you put your finger on that feeling?**


	5. Exodus 20:12

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.**

**Thanks to Legna, as always, for her invaluable beta services.**

**Tried to find a happy medium here…hope it worked.

* * *

**

_"Honor thy father and thy mother."_

_**Exodus 20:12

* * *

**_

_**Bella Swan**_

I wasn't intimidated by sex. And I wasn't intimidated by Jasper Hale.

At least that's what I thought.

In my own humble opinion, I had played it pretty cool on Saturday. I mean, he spent the whole evening with me and all we did was kiss once at the end of the night, and still he came back again on Sunday, so I must have done something right.

I didn't judge Jasper based on the rumors I had heard about him, but I did believe them. But much to my own surprise, I didn't really care. After all, could he really hurt me? I had spent years lusting after Edward Cullen and every time he passed me and looked right through me it broke my damn heart, so really, what harm could Jasper do? He was insanely cute and pretty fun to hang out with and I knew that he wasn't going to date me or marry me or probably even stick around for long, but I was just having fun too, so I was okay with that.

At least that's what I thought.

The first red flag was probably that I stayed up nearly all Saturday night thinking about him, and then trying not to think about him, but mostly replaying that kiss over and over in my mind. _That_ kiss. The kiss that moved through me, right down into my legs, making them feel like they were full of Jell-o and unable to move me up my lawn and into my house. That kiss really threw me for a loop.

But I could have easily written all of that off because it had been a long time since I had kissed anyone, or even been on a date, so my exhilaration was understandable. Before I finally drifted off to sleep I decided that it was high time I threw the rules out the window and just had a bit of fun. No more Edward-gazing, and no more virgin club. If Jasper wanted to play, I was game.

But that was Saturday.

When I woke up Sunday morning, I heard Renee and Phil fighting downstairs in the kitchen, which was a pretty rare occurrence at my house. As I was brushing my teeth, I caught a snippet of their argument.

"Are you crazy? The fact that we know anything about that kid tells you we shouldn't let her anywhere near him," I heard Phil say.

I tiptoed to the stairs and sat on the top step, my toothbrush still hanging out of my mouth.

"Phil, we don't know what's true and what isn't and forbidding her to see him is not going to do anything. It's going to push her closer to him."

"Reen, that is the biggest load of crap and you know it. You at least have to speak up and set an example. I mean for Christ's sake she's only seventeen, how can you let her hang around with a twenty-something-year-old guy?"

"Their age gap is a lot narrower than ours, Phil." Renee's voice was terse now, and I could tell she was getting annoyed.

"That's not the same and you know it! I wasn't in high school…"

"Still, it would be hypocritical of me to use that argument. Bella is probably more mature than he is anyway. I need to trust her to make the right decisions for herself."

"It's not her I don't trust! Damn it, can't you just act like her parent for once, instead of her friend? You know I can't say anything, but how am I supposed to just sit back and let this happen?"

"I'm telling you, Phil, she needs to make her own choices. If we start trying to control her we are going to push her away!"

"What makes you so sure? Jesus, Reen, she's not you!"

And then silence.

"Reenie, I didn't mean it like that…"

I stood up and padded back to the bathroom. I started to feel like I was eavesdropping on an argument that was none of my business. I leaned over the sink and spat out what was left of the toothpaste and then rinsed my mouth a few times before examining myself in the mirror.

Was I really so different from my mother? For most of our lives I thought of us as polar opposites but in the past couple months some similarities began to creep out—the restlessness, the longing for something bigger, better, more exciting. Even my more recent inclination to push my limits was something my mother had always been very good at.

I felt mildly guilty about the fact that they were fighting over me, but I also felt a little annoyed. On some level I loved Phil, and he was most definitely a great guy, but he was not my father and the idea of him starting to act like he was made me a little twitchy. I feared my reaction the day Phil tried to forbid me to do something.

I appreciated Renee's faith in me, but still she spoke as if she was already sure that hanging around Jasper was a mistake. And the whole reverse psychology thing bothered me to no end. Did she really think I was so simplistic that I would run right in to his arms merely because I was told not to?

I got dressed quickly and decided to go downstairs. I was hoping my presence would put an end to the fight before Phil managed to convert my mom to the dark side.

"Morning," I said, heading straight for the fridge.

"Morning," Phil said, unsuccessfully trying to mask his frustration.

"Good Morning, baby," Renee replied brightly, kissing the back of my head.

Phil remained seated at the kitchen table for a few minutes, but after exchanging a few meaningful glances with Renee he got up without excusing himself and went downstairs into the basement.

Renee nervously puttered around me for a few minutes as I poured myself some orange juice and plunked a bagel in the toaster.

Just before the bagel popped I turned to her. "What is it, Mom?"

She squinted at me for a second. "C'mon, Bella, I know you heard us."

"Yeah, so I am just waiting for you to give me the lecture that I never thought I'd have to hear."

"Bella, you should know me better than that! But, honey, Phil is only looking out for you. He's a guy and he is protective. You understand that right?"

"That's fine, as long as he doesn't start laying down the law. One police chief in this family is enough."

"You know, I feel a little bit bad for him. It's not necessarily easy for him to not have any parental authority."

"Mom, I am always respectful of Phil, but we just…we don't have that, okay? I don't think I could deal with him telling me what to do. Even you barely do that."

"I know, and he won't. But listen, sweetie, at least consider some of what you heard. You know Jasper is a bit older…" she trailed off, searching for the right words.

"And so? What's the problem with that exactly?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

She bit her lip in a dangerous display of parental weakness. "Nothing, other than that boys at that age have more experience Bella, and so they're kind of on a whole different playing field."

"Okay, so is your warning that I might be pressured into sex, or that if I want to, that I am too young? Or is it that sex is naughty and shameful?"

"Jeez, Bella, you know I'd never tell you that. All I meant is—just go at your own pace, and if he doesn't respect your pace, then he doesn't deserve to be with you."

"And you think I need to be told that?" I asked.

"Yes, Bella, I do." She gave me one more cautionary look before retreating downstairs to find Phil.

I shoved my knife into the peanut butter jar and slapped a wad of it onto the bagel, smearing it around sloppily.

"Well thank you, Captain Obvious, any advice on what to do about bullies or when someone offers me drugs?" I mumbled to myself.

I thought about that argument all day. The more I thought about it, the more I was offended by it, and I couldn't quite understand why. Wasn't Renee just trying to be a good mother? It's not as if she forbade me to see Jasper, or even gave me the whole safe sex speech again. She trusted me, so why did it bother me so much that she felt the need to warn me?

My annoyance over the morning discussion trickled into the afternoon and evening. When Jasper got there I was happy to see him but when he started breaking out the bible quotes and talking about not being judgmental I snapped just a bit and went on the defensive. I felt bad later, but I really needed to show him that I wasn't going to drop my pants just because he had a sweet smile and could quote the scriptures.

Of course, me writhing around on top of him, my dress half off, a mere hour or so later didn't really help my case. But Jasper did that to me. A part of me desired him, like _sexually_…or whatever. But then another part of me needed to make him wait, to make him sweat, because I couldn't bring myself to just give him exactly what he wanted. Another obnoxious, annoying part of me wanted him to like me, and then yet another even more ridiculous part of me wanted to return to Edward—to the safety of admiration from a distance. That part may have been the most frustrating, because I wasn't quite sure how much of that was perpetuated by fear and how much by actual feelings for him.

So while my body was really enjoying Jasper's hands and mouth, these different factions were warring inside me. That was, of course, until I felt Jasper's hand move down my stomach, at which point all of them screamed out "NO" in unison. I had no idea what that was all about, but my mother's words came back to me and I decided that Jasper could just damn well wait a little longer.

When he left shortly after, I kind of felt like I had dodged a bullet, which probably should have been red flag number two. But as I revisited that session on the couch over and over in my mind all night long, I found it more and more difficult to relate to the apprehension I felt when it was actually happening. Perhaps I had finally realized that the best way to deal with any fear was to face it.

I felt awesome when I woke up on Monday morning. There's just something about making a decision and being fully resolved to it; it brings a sort of joyful energy and self-assuredness. I practically flew out of bed and bounced around the room, pulling together my uniform and humming "Here Comes the Sun." It was like that—like if I opened the windows, little birds and small animals would come in and dress me. I indulged in the feeling for a moment before thinking of Jasper and how he would probably puke if he saw that ridiculous display.

I quickly realized that my excitement mostly had to do with the thought of going into Biology today and breezing right past Edward Cullen. For once I would listen to the lecture, take notes, and not spend the entire hour willing him to just turn and look at me.

I was done letting him unknowingly drag my heart around behind him.

My over-confidence came back to bite me in the ass, hard, in second period when I walked into Bio. I wasn't going to look at him. I was going to walk right past him and not look at him for the entire period. But of course I did look at him, because old habits die hard. And for the first time in my whole miserable existence, when I looked at Edward, he was looking at me. Not through me or around me but right at me, right in my eyes.

My heartbeat felt like tiny fists pounding against my chest wall. I felt the blood rush to my face and spread everywhere. His gaze was locked, so mine was too. I was praying for him to release me but he just stared, those deep emerald green eyes searching mine. It was the first time he ever opened them up to me, and I never realized the depth and brilliance of the color. He carried so much emotion in those eyes that I finally looked away, feeling as though I was peering into something I shouldn't.

All I could think was, _Why now? Why after all this time?_

I moved quickly to my desk. When I sat down I let my hair fall over my face, not wanting him to see how hard I was blushing. Probably a little late considering we just stared into each other's souls for what felt like an hour.

_Stared into each other's souls? _I groaned internally. _Okay, you're losing it._

There was no mistaking that he was looking right at me, but there had to be a perfectly good, normal, completely mundane reason why. I quickly glanced back at him and his gaze had not shifted. Or maybe he just turned around again too, but either way, this had definitely never happened before.

Somehow with all the distractions this weekend, I managed to briefly forget just how beautiful he was. I forgot about that little smirk that almost always played across his lips, when he wasn't frowning, of course. I forgot about how his tie was always a little loose, his hair a darker bronze and more pliable when it wasn't freshly washed. He even had that little bit of five o'clock shadow that I loved so much. If he were my boyfriend, I would hide the razor from him.

I wanted to look again, but I was terrified that he would be looking over at me. Eye contact three times in one day would be almost overwhelming. I couldn't even process what was happening; all I knew was my heart was in my throat and I wondered why I ever thought I could get through a day without looking at him.

I doodled on my notebook for a bit before chancing another glance. Luckily, he was now facing forward, looking at Mr. Banner. I was gazing at his profile, my heart still on crack, when I saw his chin move slowly in my direction. I looked down again quickly. Fuck, I needed Alice or Angela or someone here to witness this game of eye tag and confirm that I hadn't finally gone off the deep end.

I avoided looking at Edward for the rest of the period, and when I did finally look over again near the end of class, he was reading. When the bell rang, I hesitated not wanting to end up at the door at the same time as him. I avoided awkward moments like the plague. I slowly stuffed my books into my bag and when I peeked over at him from the corner of my eye, I noticed that he too was taking his time putting his things away. Usually he was up and out of class before the bell finished ringing. I continued monitoring him and when a book slid out of his bag and fell to the floor, he leaned down to get it. I took the opportunity to jump up, zip my bag shut and bolt from the room.

I nearly knocked a few people over when I took a sharp turn around the corner and made a beeline for the girl's restroom. I slammed the stall door shut and dialed Alice immediately.

"Ali!" I practically screamed when she answered. "Ali, we have to skip third. I have to talk to you now! It's like, mandatory okay?"

"Okay, okay, I have Gym then anyway. I'd be more than happy to skip! Meet you at my car?"

"Yes! Okay, go now!"

I bolted out the back doors by the art wing and did a quick scan of the area to make sure no teachers were around. When I saw that the coast was clear, I ran up the steps two at a time to the back parking lot. I was panting and gasping when I came to an abrupt stop at Alice's blue Mini, so I leaned against the car and tried to steady my breathing.

Shortly thereafter, Alice came strolling across the lot, smiling brightly.

"What took you so long?" I asked, still huffing and puffing.

"It took me the normal amount of time it would take for someone of my height and weight traveling at an average speed. What the hell is going on, and where did you run here from? Your house?"

"No, from the girls' bathroom by Bio," I said. When I continued, my breath had stabilized a bit. "I've been short of breath all morning because you're never gonna believe what happened."

"Does this have to do with Jasper Hale? Did you go out with him? Oh, whatever, I'm not even gonna fake it. Angela told me you did this morning. I'm sorry I wasn't around this weekend, but we went to visit my sister, Cynthia, in Flagstaff and so we just stayed there all weekend, but oh my God I have to hear all about it! We barely even got to talk about it on Friday because Ben was there. What was up with his friend in the hat? He was kind of funny…"

"Alice! Shut up for like five secs, okay? This is not about Jasper! When I walked into Bio today Edward Cullen was staring _right at me_. For like a whole minute or something. Like, he was _staring_ at me."

"_Shut up!_" she said, pushing me back against the car a little too forcefully. For such a tiny girl, she sure was heavy-handed.

"I'm not even lying. And then during class I was like, freaking out, so I kept looking over and practically every time he was looking at me, or would turn to look at me after a minute or two!" I realized how completely ridiculous I sounded, but I couldn't be bothered to contain my excitement.

"Oh my God, so what does this mean? I mean, guys don't just stare at girls for no reason. What was the look on his face like?"

"I don't even remember really, it was kind of blank. Maybe even a little mad?" I said, trying desperately to remember every detail of his expression.

"Mad? Did you say anything or do anything that would in any way get back to him?"

"_No_! Are you kidding this is Edward Cullen—I only ever talk about him to you guys!"

"Could this be because of Jasper? Like maybe he knows you went on a date with Jasper and so, like, somehow he has finally registered your existence?"

"I don't know, I mean… maybe, but why would Jasper be talking about me to Edward?"

"Well, Edward goes out with Rosalie so maybe he was telling Rosalie, or I don't know…there's just no other explanation."

I chewed my lip, searching my brain for a possible explanation.

"And stop biting your stupid lips. They'll get chapped. You know what we need to do? We need to fix your hair and put some makeup on you and make you look damn good for Calculus," she said, rummaging through her bag.

She pulled out a small makeup bag and then began rummaging through that.

"Alice, this is stupid, putting some lipstick on is not gonna make him like me. Have you seen Rosalie? Do you have a plastic surgery kit in there?"

"Bella, he never ever looked at you before and now today he couldn't stop looking at you. Don't you think it's possible he may already like you?"

"No. I don't."

She huffed and shook her head. "You're so frustrating Isabella Swan. Just let me fucking do something with your hair and put some lipstick on you. It certainly won't _hurt _your chances."

I finally gave in, realizing that fighting Alice would be a fruitless endeavor. She applied a bit of colored lip gloss to my lips and some mascara to my eyelashes before setting to work on my hair. I had pulled it into a ponytail while we were talking and she pulled it right back out. From what I could tell all she did was mess it all up. As soon as she pulled her hands out of my hair, I instinctively shoved it behind my ears. She smacked my hand and pulled it out again.

"Listen, don't stick it behind your ears. It looks better this way. And don't fuck it up. You have to keep it like this until last period, okay?"

I nodded, forcefully holding my hands at my side, resisting the growing urge to bring them back up to my hair. I looked at my watch; we still had another half an hour before the next period started.

"So what should we do?" I asked, looking around.

"You should tell me what the hell happened with Jasper Hale this weekend!" she said, smacking my arm again.

I rubbed my bicep and rolled my eyes. "Stop calling him by his full name, you're making him sound like he's famous or something."

"He pretty much is. Now stop stalling and start spilling beans. What did you guys do on Saturday?"

"We went to see a horror movie film fest and then went to eat at a diner."

"Oh, horror—good choice! Optimal make-out potential."

"Not really. I actually wanted to see the movie, and there was no making out."

"What? Nothing? Did he even yawn and put his arm around you?"

"Nope, I think his game is a little more advanced than that, Alice."

"So you just…watched the movie? And ate? That's it?"

"Well yeah, pretty much."

"Pretty much?"

I must have blushed because she smacked me again. "Bella! What are you leaving out?"

"Well, we kissed when he dropped me off."

"Thank God, I was beginning to worry about you. So holy shit, what was it like?"

"I guess it was good. I mean, yeah, he's a good kisser."

"Have you talked to him since?"

"Yeah, he kind of came over on Sunday to watch a movie."

"On Sunday!" Another smack in the arm. "What the hell are you guys, Siskel and Ebert?"

"Well there was nothing else to do! He was tired, he felt like hanging around."

"Psh, tired. So are you telling me all you did was watch the movie again?"

"Not exactly," I said, wincing in preparation for another slap.

"Bella, tell me everything right now. What did you do?"

"We just made out for a bit on the couch."

"Bases. Now."

"Well, like, what's your definition of the bases?"

"I am losing my patience, B. First—making out; second—above the waist fondling; second proper—above the waist under clothes; third—below the waist; third proper…well you get it from here."

"So then, second proper I guess."

"_Oh my Jesus God!_" She practically shouted before slapping her hand over her mouth.

"Stop, Alice. Stop making a big deal out of this. You've had sex before!"

"I know, but _you_ haven't. And I haven't gotten to second proper with Jasper Hale on my fucking couch. Oh, this is so awesome; are you guys gonna do it?"

"No! I mean I don't know, maybe. I sooo can't talk about this anymore."

"You guys are definitely going to do it. Nobody doesn't do it with Jasper Hale."

"First of all, quit saying his damn last name. Second of all, what the hell did you just say?"

"I said that if you've gotten that far with Jasper, you're gonna go all the way. It's like Murphy's Law or something."

"Al, that's not really what Murphy's Law means."

"Shit, I don't care. The point is that shit is written in stone, pretty much. You are so going to do it."

"Okay, fine so what does it matter?" I asked, silently praying for one or both of us to spontaneously combust.

"It matters because it's awesome! I can't wait until we can talk all about it. You're gonna love it; it's seriously the best thing ever. And with Jasper, well…I can only imagine."

"You sound like Jess, Alice."

"Jess doesn't love sex, Bells, she just hates herself. You know I don't do it nearly as much as she does, but I actually enjoy it when I do."

"Well, listen, just don't assume that it's going to happen. It might not."

"It so is! You know if you do it, Edward will find you sexier. Like you'll release some kind of pheromones or something and he'll know you're sexually active." She was so giddy now she was practically vibrating.

"That is such bullshit," I said, shaking my head.

"No, it's like a total fact. Anyway, it's time for fourth. We'll talk about this at lunch."

"Alice, I don't want to talk about this at lunch! Just keep it to yourself for a while okay?"

"Fine. And I better not see your damn hair behind your ears."

I stared at the clock for almost the entire period. Time never passed so slowly. On top of that I had second lunch, which meant I had to endure half of fifth period before I could talk to my friends again.

At lunch Alice rehashed the entire Edward-staring story and the girls flipped out over it. Angela promised to be on the lookout for me in Calc so that we wouldn't have to keep making awkward eye contact.

The day went as slowly as one would expect, but finally it was time for Calculus. Again my heart was pounding as we approached the classroom, but I was half relieved to find that he wasn't in the room yet when we got there. Angela and I sat down at our table and I immediately pulled my books out and pretended to work on problems.

I felt a small nudge on my thigh. I looked up and there was Edward, walking past our desk looking right at me and, holy mother of shit, smiling slightly.

Angela's hand flew onto my notebook and she started writing furiously.

_OMG—He was totally staring! He smiled!_

I wrote back: _I know, what is going on?_

_IDK, maybe all your wishes and dreams are coming true!_

I rolled my eyes. I didn't know who that statement made sound more pathetic, me or Angela.

I stared down at my book for awhile, trying so hard not to let my stupid grin break the surface.

Again, Angela's hand moved over to my notebook.

_He just looked at you again. I can't figure it out._

And then I just couldn't help it, the grin broke free and when I looked up at him, he was looking at me. I was smiling at him. Before the horror and embarrassment set in and allowed me to break my gaze, he smirked a little bit and then turned back to his notebook, smiling at himself.

I just turned and stared straight ahead, trying to convince myself that this was really happening. I saw Angela's hand moving, so I looked down.

_Awwwwwwwww!_

I turned to her, still grinning like a stupid bastard. Somehow for the rest of the period I managed to stop myself from looking over again. This time when the bell rang, Edward was up and gone before I finished packing my bag.

"Okay, that was definitely weird. He looked at you like, a lot…but it was hard to tell what he was thinking. Except when he smiled! Bella, he smiiiiiiled," Angela squealed, gripping my upper arm.

I couldn't think of anything to say so I just walked silently back to my locker and stuffed my books in, listening to Angela do all the gushing for me.

We walked together up to the back parking lot, and as soon as we came up the stairs I almost fell over. Jasper was there, leaning up against his car talking to Rosalie. Edward was standing next to Rosalie talking to Eli.

I felt a little panicky about having Jasper there at school. I was praying that he wouldn't do or say anything to embarrass me. Practically on cue, Jess and Alice came up the other staircase and both of their jaws dropped at the sight of Jasper standing there with Edward and Rosalie. Jasper turned and when he saw me, he smiled. I quickly glanced over to Edward who had dropped his conversation and was looking at me suspiciously.

Before I could think of what to do Jasper called out to me, "Well, Miss Bella Swan, fancy meeting you here."

Rosalie and Eli turned to me and I nearly turned around and ran. As Jasper approached, practically everyone in the parking lot turned to look. I wanted to believe they were just looking at him because he looked incredibly sexy in a dark gray v-neck t-shirt, black jeans and a black jacket with the collar turned up, but I figured with everyone's eyes dancing between us, it couldn't be his outfit alone.

"Hey there," he said as he came to a stop in front of me.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"Well, it's nice to see you too, Bella."

"Sorry, I just mean, well, what are you doing here?"

He laughed. "My sister asked me for a ride last week and then forgot to mention today that Edward's soccer practice was cancelled and she didn't need one anymore."

"Oh." I couldn't think of anything else to add. The stares were actually starting to burn my skin.

"But now I'm here, and you're here, so maybe you want to go somewhere?" He smiled a bit and grabbed my hand lightly and I momentarily forgot all about the copious Edward eye contact.

"Okay, sure." I turned to Alice and asked, "Do you mind if I just get a ride with Jasper?"

Alice shrugged and I could tell she was playing it cool. I loved her so much right then.

"Yeah, see ya later, Bella."

Angela's eyes were about to pop out of her skull and she waved vigorously. "Bye! Have fun!"

Jessica just rolled her eyes and headed over to Alice's car.

As Jasper and I walked over to Pearl, I wished I could have disappeared. Edward's expressionless stare had turned into something resembling a glare and Rosalie looked me as though I had tentacles and two heads. I was never so relieved to see the inside of a car, but I still felt like I had eyes all over me as we pulled away.

"Well, that was fucking weird," Jasper said, turning on the radio. "Do people normally react that way to a non-student on school property?"

"No. I guess they all kind of know you, or know of you anyway, and so…" I let the sentence drop, knowing he would pick up on my implication.

He turned to me, squinted a bit and then turned back to the road. "Bella, do you want me to leave you alone? Because if I make you uncomfortable…"

"No!" I interjected, "I'm sorry, Jasper, it's just—that was a bit awkward. I mean Rosalie and Edward were practically glaring at me."

"Well, Rosalie glares at everyone, and Edward...well, Edward seems to think that you're a bit young for me. He doesn't approve of us spending time together."

"How do you know that? I mean, how did he know?"

"I mentioned it when I was going out on Saturday. Edward worked himself into a bit of a tizzy over it."

"He doesn't know who I am, though," I stated, feeling a weird fluttering in my stomach at the idea of Edward getting in a tizzy over anything remotely related to me.

"He knew your name, anyway. You have classes with him, right?"

So, that was what the stares were about. He knew about Jasper and me, and it grossed him out. Not because it was me, but because it was someone at his school, someone younger than Jasper. Even though I was so sure the stares meant nothing, or at least nothing positive, it would have been a lie to say my heart didn't sink a bit at being given confirmation.

"But, Bella, you know that you're different right? I have a good time with you, and I think that matters more than the number on your driver's license. Do you agree?"

"Huh," I mumbled, still thinking about what a stupid idiot I was for getting so damn excited over Edward looking at me.

And then I started to get angry at Edward too, for being another judgmental asshole. _I mean really, Edward? Really? You are dating Rosalie Hale. Hey, pot, guess what? You're fucking black, too._

"Bella? Did you want me to take you home?" Jasper's voice brought me out of my thoughts.

"No," I said, turning to him and smiling. "Let's go do something."


	6. James 3:16

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.**

**A/N: Forever grateful to Legna for beta-ing this. She rules.

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**

_"For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing."_

_**James 3:16

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**_

_**Edward Cullen**_

From that moment when Bella and I looked at each other in Bio, the day just spiraled downwards into complete ridiculousness. I couldn't stop looking at her. I felt like a complete tool but I just kept looking. I couldn't figure out how she could have been in two of my classes this whole year and never once register with me, and now it was all I could do not to get up, walk across the room, pull her into the hallway and….

And what the fuck anyway, how did this even come about? It couldn't have been merely because she was seeing Jasper, or whatever she was doing with him. That would mean that this was all spurred on by jealousy, and how could I covet her before I knew her? And yet, from practically the very moment Jasper mentioned her, I had become completely obsessed with Bella Swan. So I stared at her like some creepy sexual predator, because that's usually the way to make a good first impression on a girl.

She was looking at me too, and at first she definitely looked about as creeped out as one should when being gawked at by some dude in your class that you don't even know, but then in Calc later that day there was actually a brief moment where she turned and smiled at me. Like a big bright adorable grin. I fought so hard to keep from returning it tenfold, and the result was probably some bastardy looking smirk. I wanted to press rewind on the whole class and handle it all a little better on the second run, but if she turned to me with that same look on her face, I would have crumbled all over again.

She was really pretty in the most natural and heartbreaking way. She had these big brown eyes that held so much emotion; I imagined that with those eyes she was probably an open book, whether she liked it or not. She looked a little demure what with the tie, the blazer, and the skirt, which she wore at the proper length, but there was also this edge of sexiness to her, like she had a secret, or a secret life. And then I remembered Jasper and tried hard to choke back the stomach acid that gushed into my throat at the thought that he might be part of that secret life. I thought back to the beginning of my creepster career when I was parked in front of her house. When she came out with that smug bastard and when he leaned into her, for what I assume was some slimy manwhore kiss, it incited a raging fire inside me. At first I couldn't understand why I felt the way I did, or why I was acting like the goddamned Night Stalker, but after seeing her in Bio that morning I realized it was simply because I wanted her.

Fuck, I wanted her so badly, which makes no sense because how can you want someone before you even know who they are? It was as though one minute I was, at the very least, complacently dating Rosalie and I kind of liked her skeezy but funny older brother, and then a second later Rosalie all but ceased to exist and I wanted to rip Jasper's internal organs out with my bare hands.

And I would have felt really bad about all of it if I wasn't so consumed with trying to understand what the hell had just happened to my life in the past twenty-four hours. After that smile she flashed me, I spent a few shameful minutes imagining her bent over Mr. K's desk and then I resolved to get my emotions in check. Jasper was no different today than he was last week when I liked him. It's not his fault that he got to her first, although it was his fault that he was a dirty, slutty bastard who got his kicks off of playing around with innocent girls, and then ditching them when they ceased to be all shiny and new.

I was failing at controlling my growing hatred for Jasper, so I instead tried to focus on making myself feel guilty for being a shitty boyfriend. I wasn't delusional, so it didn't come as a huge shock to me that I could develop feelings for someone else, but my complacency over the years had turned into some sort of implicit promise. I had stuck around this long and to just suddenly bail on Rosalie would have been a total left-field dick move. Especially since for some bizarre reason she seemed perfectly content with our relationship, as tiresome and poisonous as it was. Maybe it was because I gave her a long leash, or maybe she was just as lazy as I was, but whatever the reason it certainly complicated things now—because as wrong as it was, I couldn't imagine not pursuing Bella.

Somehow I managed to rein in the potpourri of disturbing thoughts near the end of Calculus. Whatever the motivation behind my feelings for Bella, I recognized that I really just needed to get out of the classroom before I did or said something stupid. I had no reason or excuse to talk to her, but if I couldn't keep my eyes off her, pretty soon I'd have some explaining to do.

As soon as the bell rang, I bolted and headed for the parking lot to meet Rosalie. As I ascended the steps to the back parking lot I groaned at the sight of Jasper leaning against his car talking to Rosalie. That fucking bastard actually showed up at school to pick Bella up? As I crossed the lot to meet them I steeled myself against the urge to bash his head repeatedly against his stupid white trash, southern rocker, date rape mobile.

"Hey," I said as I approached them. "Jasper, what are you doing here?"

"Hey, Edward. Rosalie asked me to pick her up last week, but apparently she forgot to tell me that she no longer required my services."

I relaxed ever so slightly at the knowledge that he wasn't here for Bella. Maybe he'd already moved on; maybe he got what he was looking for yesterday at her house.

"Sorry, Jasper, jeez, I forgot. Shit happens," came Rosalie's half-assed apology.

"'Sup kids, was that not the longest Monday you've ever experienced?" Eli asked as he approached the car. "Jasper, what brings you on Catholic territory?"

"A misunderstanding. What's happening, Eli?"

"Not much, man. One day down, four to go. Edward, you got the notes for AP Lit? I bailed on that and went for breakfast with Carmen."

"Yeah I…" I stopped short when I noticed Jasper turn to the staircase, his expression brightening considerably.

"Never mind, folks, it appears fate brought me here for a reason," he mumbled, grinning.

I followed the direction of his gaze and the images of me beating him to a bloody pulp resurfaced. Bella and her friend from Calculus were walking across the lot. I felt annoyed at how incredibly self-conscious and gorgeous and sweet she looked. Had Rosalie not been standing right there I may have been tempted to call Jasper out in front of her and everyone else in the parking lot, but as it were I really had no explanation for why their relationship bothered me so deeply, so I kept my irrational mouth shut.

Which became so much more difficult when I saw him touching her hand and standing way too close to her. Then the smug bastard turned to us and waved goodbye with a wink.

"I officially don't get it. Of all the girls…Jasper really must be scraping the bottom of the barrel." Rosalie's increasingly unbearable voice did little to calm my building resentment.

"Nice, Rose, that's a pretty obnoxious statement," I said, unable to let her comment slide.

"If by obnoxious you mean accurate," she said, turning to my car and waiting for me to unlock it.

"She's not bad, and she's definitely Jasper's type," Eli said.

"Whatever! Like I give a shit who my brother is banging anyway. She'll be old news in a few days anyway. Edward, can we, like, get a move on? Hey, guys, let's go to Lux or something and hang out. I'll call Vic."

"I'm game, Carm should be out any second; she just had to talk to Mr. Banner after her class," Eli said.

"Rosalie, I'd rather just go home. I have a shit-load of homework and I'm tired."

"Okay, well, I want to go out, so you can go home if you want. You're no fun today anyway."

I sighed and opened my door. "All right, later."

I was more than happy to go home and get a break from her but that didn't stop me from getting pissed at her attitude. I had put up with the same shit for practically the entire time we had been dating and yet suddenly she felt like a lead weight around my neck. I had never been so close to snapping, and as much as it made my head throb to admit it, I probably had Bella Swan to thank for that.

I went straight upstairs when I got home to exchange my uniform for a pair of sweatpants. I decided that I didn't want to think about Bella or Jasper or Rosalie anymore this afternoon and the only way to do that was to take a nap. I was exhausted from my lack of sleep the night before, so I turned on my stereo and turned it up loud enough to distract me from thinking. I fell asleep quickly and woke up a few hours later to Radiohead whining in my ear.

I reached out lazily and grabbed my phone from the nightstand. There were three texts and one voicemail, all from Rosalie.

_I'm sorry I was a bitch, I just can't stand when Jasper comes balling on school property. _

_Seriously, can you stop giving me the silent treatment? I'm sorry—we're still at Lux if you want to join._

_E, are you seriously not talking to me? Come over, pls. _

And the voicemail was a sobbing Rosalie asking why I was being such a bastard.

I rolled my eyes and dialed the phone. She answered in half a ring.

"What the hell? I've been calling you and texting you, why are you ignoring me?"

"Rosalie, I was asleep. I was tired when I got home."

"Oh. Shit, I totally thought you were shutting me out. Are you mad?"

"A bit, yeah. I mean your attitude at school sure left a lot to be desired."

"Is this about that girl that Jasper is with?"

"No, it's about your attitude when I left," I half-lied.

"I know, I'm sorry; it's just that Jasper gets on my nerves. I was annoyed."

"So then be a bitch to him."

"I am, don't worry."

"Is he back home yet?" I asked, trying not to sound like I had an agenda.

"Yeah, he's here why?"

I glanced at the clock; it was 6:45. "I don't know. Just wondering."

"Can you come over for a bit? Daddy's all stressed out cause some Christian magazine is coming over to take pictures and Mom's not home from her hair appointment yet and Jasper won't change into different clothes and I can't deal with these people today."

Because I was a sick and twisted masochist, I wanted to go and see if I could find out what happened with Jasper and Bella this afternoon.

"Yeah, I'll come over for a bit."

"Okay! See you in a little while!" she said, sounding more cheerful.

I hung up almost before she finished her sentence and walked into my closet to find something to wear.

. . .

I walked into the house to find Jasper and Reverend Hale fighting in the foyer.

"Jasper, I am not going to say it again—all I'm asking for is a pair of slacks and a dress shirt," he said in his thick southern accent. It seemed to get stronger every year I knew him. He turned to me and nodded.

"Hello, Edward," he said tersely. He more or less hated my guts.

I nodded back and remained where I was, since he was standing in front of the stairs, and Jasper in front of the hallway to the kitchen.

Jasper glanced in my direction and then turned back to the hall mirror. "I don't wear _slacks_, Rev. I don't even know what _slacks_ are exactly," he said, while messing with his hair.

"There's just no way you're wearing that. It's a Christian magazine. You can't be in there looking like a damn hooligan."

"So, do all Christians come standard issue with slacks and a button down?" he asked, throwing up air quotes around the word "slacks."

Reverend Hale opened his mouth to respond but was interrupted by Mrs. Hale breezing through the front door. Her blonde hair was piled into bouffant updo and she was in full stage makeup. She wore one of those pink power suits and a pearl necklace and earrings. She looked like the first lady of Texas.

"I'm sorry I'm late, Debbie took her sweet ol' time on my hair tonight. Hey there, Edward!" she said, mussing my hair a bit and then walking over to plant a kiss on Reverend Hale's cheek.

"Sara-Jane, will you please talk some sense into your son? He can't pose for photos wearing _that_," he said gesturing up and down towards Jasper.

Jasper rolled his eyes. "The Reverend wants me in slacks."

Mrs. Hale looked Jasper over, smiled lovingly, and then turned back to her husband.

"Well, I think he looks handsome. What are you so worried about?"

"He looks like a Hell's Angel!" The Reverend exclaimed, throwing his hands up.

Jasper rolled his eyes and turned to me with a _do-you-believe-this _expression on his face. I wanted to agree with Reverend Hale and to add that Jasper looked more like a dandy poser.

Mrs. Hale walked over to Jasper and patted his cheek. "I think you look just fine. Wear whatever you want, sweet meat. Your father will live," she said. She turned and walked towards the kitchen.

_Sweet meat? Did she really just call him sweet meat?_

"Sara-Jane! Now wait just a doggone minute!" the Reverend called after her, following closely behind.

Jasper laughed and winked at me and then turned to head upstairs. _Self-righteous prick_. I reminded myself to mention that little nickname of his in front of Bella sometime.

I heard him call out to Rosalie from the upstairs hallway. "Rose, your fella is here!"

Rose came bounding down the stairs a few minutes later. She was wearing a short, off-white, ruffly, strapless dress and a wide pink sash—her blond hair curled at the ends and pulled into a low side-ponytail. She looked really pretty, but my neutral reaction to her depressed me. I closed my eyes tightly and rubbed them with my palms, reflecting again on the mess I had gotten myself into. I was overcome with a strong desire to move back to Forks. Tonight.

Rose pecked me on the cheek and then stood back and tilted her head. "What's wrong? Headache?"

"Yeah, sort of. You look nice."

"Thanks, I bought this with Carm the other day. I went out totally focused on getting something for tonight and of course then I started seeing all this great Prom and Junior-Senior dance stuff. That's how it always happens. Now I'm probably gonna go shopping for the J/S and see something that would have been perfect for tonight. Whatever, I think this one is cute and I could definitely wear it again. I could probably wear it to the J/S but I mean, if I have an excuse to buy three dresses, I'm going to buy three dresses!'"

I nodded at what felt like the appropriate spots but I was only partially listening. Her mention of the J/S got me thinking. The Junior/Senior dance was held every year right before graduation. Of course, because St. Mary's was just like any other high school obsessed with clichéd traditions and pretentious hierarchy, every year the seniors voted King and Queen at last year's dance would pass their crowns and scepters on to the two chosen juniors. It was supposed to be symbolic passing of the torch from the departing seniors to the juniors who would 'rule the school' next year, but naturally it was just an excuse to hold yet another popularity contest and to determine who the reigning narcissists would be next year.

Thanks to Rosalie's diligent campaigning last year, she and I would be the ones passing the honor this year, a fact that filled me with shame every time I accidentally allowed myself to remember it. The Edward who remained back in Washington would be dry heaving if he had seen what I had become, or the extent to which I had given up on my life.

But before I went down another shame spiral, I switched gears and briefly allowed myself to ponder whether or not Bella would be at the dance and with whom she would attend. Tradition stated that every senior going should ask a junior, but that almost never happened, as people usually went with whomever they were dating. I felt fairly sure that Jasper wouldn't be caught dead at a high school dance, but I wondered what kind of guys were in her circle of friends and if she'd be going with any of them.

Rose was still talking about nothing when Reverend Hale headed back into the foyer from the kitchen. I prepared myself for another fight when he saw just how little of Rose that dress covered, but then I remembered that in the eyes of the Rev, Rose could do no wrong.

He stood in front of her with his arms outstretched and shook his head slowly. "My, my. Angel, you are an absolute vision."

Rose beamed and he adjusted the ponytail that fell over her shoulder and kissed her forehead.

"Thank you, Daddy, don't you love this dress?"

"It was made for you, baby girl. God sure broke the mold when he made you."

I resisted the temptation to roll my eyes and stick my finger down my throat and instead ducked around them and headed into the kitchen. I opened the fridge and pulled out a pitcher of lemonade. Sara-Jane made her lemonade so sweet that you could feel your insulin spike. I loved it.

Jasper came strolling back into the kitchen with a rope of red licorice hanging from his mouth. He pulled on it until a piece ripped off, and then he dangled it in front of my face.

"No thanks, I'm good," I said, not wanting to risk contracting oral herpes.

He shrugged and stuffed it into his mouth. "I love this shit," he garbled.

A couple of loud beeps sounded from Jasper's pocket. He reached into his jeans and pulled his phone out. He stared at the screen for a second and then laughed and shook his head. He typed a quick response and stuffed the phone back into his pocket.

"Girls, girls, girls," he sighed.

"One of your harem?" I asked, hoping he'd take the bait.

He shook his head. "Sadly, I've been neglecting all but one as of late."

"So, that Bella Swan girl?"

"That's the one."

"What did you guys end up doing today anyway?"

Jasper raised an eyebrow at me and smirked. "Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Silly me, and here I thought it might be something interesting."

"Oh, it was interesting all right."

I shook my head and yanked the fridge open again to return the pitcher. "Sick. Forget I asked."

"Sick? Jesus you make it sound like I'm forty-five, E. Take it easy, I am operating within the scope of the law. And don't jump to conclusions either."

"Just 'cause it's legal doesn't make it right. Is she aware you're going to bail on her sometime in the near future?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, what happened to my little buddy? Why all the J-hate?"

"Whatever, I just feel bad for her is all."

"Well, luckily for me it's none of your damn business and luckily for you, you have no vested interest so it shouldn't really be of any concern…" He trailed off.

His eyes narrowed and he stared at me for a moment before the slightest hint of a smile crept onto his lips. After a moment his expression softened, just as the doorbell rang. He looked toward the front of the hall and then back at me with a self-satisfied smile.

"Excuse me, but it's time for my close-up, Mr. De Mille."

I slapped my forehead and sunk against the counter as he exited the room. _Fucking great_.

I hung out in the kitchen watching TV while the photographer took pictures of the family. The doorbell rang shortly after they finished and Jasper answered it. The rest of the family was huddled around the photographer's laptop looking at proofs from the shoot.

Jasper led an attractive brunette, who appeared to be in her mid-thirties, into the living room next to the kitchen.

"So, Andy is just finishing up then? Let's give them a minute to look over the proofs and then I'll sit down with your Mom and Dad," she said.

I eavesdropped a bit and concluded that she was the interviewer for the magazine. Jasper and she chatted quietly and within minutes she was giggling like a bimbo. I actually had to bite my fist a few times while listening to him spew his BS. Finally, they both entered the kitchen.

"Edward this is Kate, she'll be interviewing the Rev and Ma tonight."

I stood up and shook her hand.

"Kate this is Edward, my sister's boyfriend."

"Oh well aren't you a lucky guy, she's absolutely gorgeous. It's nice to meet you!" she said, smiling warmly.

Jasper flashed me a big fat Cheshire cat smile. He walked over and slapped me gently on the cheek.

"Or is Rosalie the lucky one? I mean look at this handsome hunk," he said squeezing my face before continuing on to the fridge.

Kate laughed way too heartily at Jasper's lame attempt at humor. Why couldn't girls ever tell when a guy was being generically charming?

I shook my head and smiled. "It's nice to meet you too."

Jasper handed a Kate a glass of water and then Rosalie walked into the kitchen.

"Well that was lame. They're done now," she said over her shoulder to Kate.

"Great! All right, well it was nice to meet you all." Her glance lingered a little too long on Jasper.

_Jesus, why don't you just throw your panties at him?_

When she left the room I raised my eyebrow at Jasper. "Thinking about adding one to the harem?"

He just laughed and shook his head. "That's called being friendly, E. You may want to try it occasionally. It's not as painful as it looks."

"Ugh, right, I really hope Edward's definition of friendly is different from yours," Rosalie said, sneering.

Jasper looked me in the eyes again and smiled. "I'm sure it is. He's a good boy, after all."

With that he pulled his phone out of his pocket again and began to scroll, after a moment he looked up. "Well, I think I'm gonna go see the little lady."

I looked at the clock. "It's almost nine," I said.

_Shut the fuck up and stop sounding like a dad. _

"Right. Only a few more hours 'til she turns back into a pumpkin, so I'd better go. Don't wait up."

He grabbed his keys off the counter and waved behind himself as he went out the front door.

Rosalie rolled her eyes and shook her head. "I still don't get it, but I'm not going to say _anything_."

"So, what, are they dating now? Jasper never dates."

"I don't know. I doubt it. She probably just hasn't put out yet or something. Who knows, Jasper is like half-retarded, I swear."

_Please let that be the case!_

I shrugged, feigning disinterest. "I'd better go; I still have homework to do."

"What? We didn't even hang out, you practically just got here!"

"I know, Rose, but it's nine and I haven't gotten anything done today. And I have practice the rest of the week."

"Maybe I could come sleep over at your place tonight," she said nervously.

"My place? Your dad would never let you."

"I know, I could sneak over like I used to!"

"I can't tonight, I really need to get my stuff done."

"Fine. Next time bring your homework over, and then you can do it here."

"Yeah, sure." I just wanted to get the hell out of there.

I gave her a quick hug and a peck on the cheek. I headed to the front door, stopping first to say goodbye to her parents.

In the car I came to the realization that this thing with Rosalie was reaching a breaking point. For the first time in years I was awake, and certain things could no longer go ignored. I headed home to another sleepless night, my thoughts and waking dreams plagued by images of the girl who turned everything upside down.


	7. Timothy 2:22

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.**

**Legna989 betas this. She rules. Come hang on the twi thread for teasers and chats. I don't even care about going OT because I'm all ADD too. Link in my profile.**

**Special thanks to RedVelvetHeaven, my 'stangspert, for the diligent research and tender care of Pearl.

* * *

**

_"Run from anything that stimulates youthful lust. Follow anything that makes you want to do right. Pursue faith and love and peace, and enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts."_

_**Timothy 2:22

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**_

_**Jasper Hale**_

"_Some people cry and some people die by the wicked ways of love; but I'll just keep on rollin' along with the grace of the Lord above..."_

Zeppelin filtered out of the open car windows as Bella propped herself up on the hood of my Pearl. She had shed the adorable green blazer she was wearing at school and rolled up the cuffs of her white dress shirt. I prayed that she would keep the tie on.

She surveyed the arid landscape. "It's beautiful out here. I just love the desert."

The desert did it every time. Something about dirt and some cacti made chicks feel all romantic.

"It is beautiful," I said as I walked over to her. I stood in front of the car, between her knees and gave her a cute little grin. "I am really appreciating the scenery."

She looked incredulous for a moment, before bursting out laughing. "Jasper, that was retarded! Oh my God, are you going to read me a poem now?"

I couldn't help but laugh. I was impressed that she called me out, if not a little disappointed at my failure to make her blush. I figured I just needed to try harder, so I grabbed her little tie and gently yanked her closer to me. I leaned forward until our faces were merely a couple of inches apart.

"You're awfully mouthy aren't you?" I asked.

She smirked, but her voice came out a bit shaky. "Is there something in the Bible about that?"

"Oh, I believe there's something about respecting your elders…" I moved closer, my lips nearly touching hers.

"Hmm," she said, her eyelids drooping slightly, "does that refer simply to chronological age, or emotional maturity?"

I couldn't take it anymore. I pulled her tie and closed the narrow distance between our mouths. For a few moments I held her there, exploring her mouth, tugging her upper lip between mine, and then I let go of the tie and placed my hands on the hood of the car, on either side of her thighs.

She tentatively put her hands on her knees for a moment before bringing one up to my shoulders. We both moved closer, deepening the kiss, and then I felt her take a handful of my shirt, along with my necklaces. Fuck, she drove me crazy and it took nearly all of my will power not to touch her everywhere.

But I had figured out how Bella worked, and everything needed to be on her terms. I wasn't making another move until a got a clear okay to land from air traffic control. So instead of putting my hands up her skirt like I wanted to, I settled for bringing one to the back of her head and the other to jaw. I pressed her face harder against mine and in turn her small fingers curled tighter around my shoulder and shirt.

Finally after several minutes she broke the kiss, panting heavily. I pulled my hands from her damp hair.

"Fuck, it's hot," she breathed.

I smiled and opened my mouth.

"Outside. It's hot outside," she clarified, before I could speak.

"Oh." I frowned and looked at my shoes, pretending to take offense.

"Quit it. You know that was hot too," she said, blushing.

_Bingo!_

"Maybe you should loosen your tie there, Miss Swan," I said, gently tugging on it.

She swatted my hands away and pulled at the knot. She yanked the tie over her head and dropped it on the hood next to her. I followed suit, removing my jacket and throwing it over the tie.

"Your turn," I said with a wink.

She smiled coyly and undid a couple buttons of her blouse.

_Fuckkkk._

I tried not to drool or let my jaw drop too far, and of course she stopped after the top two buttons. I put my hands back on the car, ignored the burning heat of the metal, and leaned back into her.

"That wasn't fair."

"You're still wearing your shirt, too."

I backed away again and smiled. "You're going to regret saying that."

I pulled my shirt off and threw it at her head. She giggled and pulled it off, placing it on top of my jacket.

I walked back over to her. "Put your money where your mouth is, sugar."

"Well, I certainly don't regret saying that…but I'm still not gonna take my shirt off."

"That's dirty pool, Swan," I said as I grabbed her chin and turned her face up to meet mine.

I lingered against her lips for a moment, not moving. She played with my dog tags, wrapping the chain around her finger and then releasing it. She tilted her head up a bit more and I moved backwards the same distance.

"I'm sorry, did you want something?"

She shot me a dirty look.

"'Cause I'm just hanging out here…"

"Jasper."

"Yes?"

"Kiss me."

"Yes, ma'am."

And with that, I grabbed her face and attacked her mouth. She asked for it, so sweet and tender were over, and she seemed okay with that. I felt her hands against my chest and then moving down my stomach and I was willing them to move lower through telekinesis or some shit. It wasn't working so I pushed her back against the car and then yanked her blouse from her skirt. I slipped my hand beneath it and rested it on her smooth stomach. The hot metal was burning my arm but I didn't care. I just continued to kiss her, moving from her mouth down her damp neck. My hands inched upward ever so slightly but as my mouth came to the base of her neck I felt her hands pushing against my chest.

_Shit…Teenagers…_

I begrudgingly removed my mouth from her neck and my hand from her shirt. I leaned on my arm and with my other hand I moved the strands of hair that were stuck to her moist face and neck.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, it's just…I feel like we're in a Whitesnake video or something."

I nearly fell off the car. "A Whi… what the hell?"

"I don't know. I mean, like you're shirtless and we're making out in the desert on top of a Mustang…"

I sat up, feeling a mixture of annoyed and bemused. "I'm sorry, are you saying that this make-out is too clichéd for you?"

She giggled. "A bit, yeah."

I shook my head in disbelief. "Well, is there another location you'd prefer?"

She shrugged and then looked out over the horizon, and I sensed that there was something else stopping her.

"Everything okay?" I asked lowering myself a bit to make eye contact and pull her from her distant gaze.

She snapped back to the present. "Yeah, no, everything's fine."

"Yes or no? 'Yeah, no,' kind of sends mix signals."

"Yes, Dr. Jasper, everything is fine," she said, rolling her eyes at me, the little minx.

I grabbed my shirt to put it back on, but she reached out and grabbed one end, tugging it out of my hands.

"You don't have to do that you know," she said, with a shy smile. I wondered if it was possible to get an erection on top of a hard-on.

She leaned forward and gripped my hips with both hands, pulling me back between her knees. She wrapped her arms around me and pressed the side of her face against my stomach.

_You're playing with fire, little girl…_

I took a deep breath, pulled her arms from my hips, and looked down at her. "There were three things that offended you—my shirtlessness, my Mustang, and the desert. You know Pearl ain't going anywhere, nor is this desert, so…"

She put her hands behind her and leaned back on them. "I wouldn't change Pearl for the world, and you know that. I'm sorry, the heat is just getting to me a bit. We could always just change locations; that would take care of things."

"Now you're talking! C'mon then, let's get a move on."

I extended my hand and she took it and slid off the hood. I walked her back to the passenger's side and opened the door for her. When she got in I closed it then walked around and hopped in my side.

"Where to, then?"

"I'm kind of hungry. Really hungry actually," she said.

I was pretty certain that a restaurant wasn't a more desirable makeout location, but I decided to let it slide. Jasper Hale doesn't grovel.

"All right, what are you in the mood for?" I asked, innocently enough.

A wide devilish grin spread across her face. I was starting to get motion sickness.

"My, my…you can't quite make up your mind today can you?"

"Sorry, just a funny thought is all. My sense of humor can be pretty childish at times. Go figure."

I was starting to understand Bella more and more, and the more I got to know her the more I felt like there was a large gap between the things she _wanted _to do, and the things she allowed herself to. I vowed to work on narrowing that gap, in my favor.

She said she wanted Mexican so I took her to a decent joint off the highway. We pulled around back and I put the car in park and turned to her.

"It looks like shit, but I swear the burritos are killer."

She laughed. "I trust you. Right now I'd eat my own hand."

My appetite, however, still hadn't switched gears—I was craving something other than beans and rice. I shook it off, though, and got out of the car. Bella knew the rules and waited patiently for me to go around and open her door. She stepped out of the car and I shut the door behind her. She still had a few buttons undone, so just to be cute I reached over and began doing them up. My fingers lingered at her collar after I fastened the last one.

She looked up at me. "You're full of surprises," she said, absentmindedly fiddling with my dog tags.

"What do you mean by that?" I said, backing her against the car.

"Well, I certainly wouldn't have expected you to button me _up._" Her voice was subtly suggestive, although I didn't know if it was intentional. She had no idea just how sexy she could be.

I pressed my body gently against hers and brushed my lips against her ear. "It's certainly not what I _wanted _to do. I am occasionally capable of acting selflessly."

"Huh," she said. "What a shame." Her tone was playful, but her breathing became slightly labored.

"Bella," I whispered, as if saying her name out loud would some how alleviate my increasingly painful desires.

It didn't work because the exhalation of her breath sounded like faintest moan and I couldn't help but stifle it with my mouth.

I had her pressed back against the car, my hips pushing against her stomach. I couldn't stand the aching anymore. I just wanted to tear her to shreds. I felt her hand move to the nape of my neck, and I groaned into her mouth. It was so much worse than earlier, and I prayed to God over and over that she wouldn't try to cut me off again. We were in a restaurant parking lot so the odds weren't in my favor, but still I prayed.

I reached behind her and pulled open the door to the backseat. I dragged my lips and tongue along her jaw to her neck.

"Oh God…" she whispered. She was praying, too.

As I kissed her face and neck I pushed her down into the backseat. I followed and pulled her on to my lap. She gripped my shoulders and drove her tongue forcefully into my mouth. The fact that she was so eager was driving me wild. I squeezed her hips and pressed her into me, wishing we didn't have so many layers of clothing between us. She started to kiss her way down my neck. The feeling of her warm wet lips moving along the sensitive skin of my neck was driving me nuts. I groaned and moved my hands to her ass, pushing my hips into her.

The moment she lifted her head back up, I attacked her neck, running my teeth along it before nibbling by her ear, just beneath her jaw.

She gasped as my mouth moved down her neck and even further down her overly clothed chest. I sucked the fabric and skin into my mouth and she squealed. I knew I was pushing it but I didn't care, I wanted every inch of her all at once. She grabbed my head and pulled it away from her breast. She pushed me back against the seat and leaned in to kiss me. I moved one hand from her ass to her chest and palmed the wet spot I left there.

"Jasper," she moaned, "we…oh God, we have to stop." She continued to kiss me despite the declaration.

_No. No. No! Jesus, why do you hate me?_

"Why?" I asked, barely making an effort to remove my tongue from her hot little mouth.

She didn't respond because she was too busy sucking on it.

Finally, I extracted my tongue and tried to cut a deal. "Just touching okay? That's all…just touching," I said, trying to push her harder against my hips.

I was no longer opposed to begging.

Without waiting for her answer, I went back to her mouth and hoped it would provide some necessary distraction. I thought I felt her nod but I didn't really give a shit.

Touching was a nice broad term, so as I kissed her, my fingers made quick work of the buttons on her blouse. When I finished undoing the last button I yanked the shirt off her shoulders and then ran my hands back up her smooth arms to her shoulders. I pulled her arms around my neck and instantly her hands threaded into my hair. She pressed her lips harder against mine. Her kisses were so fucking desperate it drove me wild.

I slowly moved my hands back down her arms, and down her waist. I lingered there only for a moment before moving them up her stomach and over her breasts.

It was a fight not to rip the rest of her clothing off and my groin ached at the memory of our session on her couch yesterday. She gnawed on my lip and I moved my hands down to her waist, slipping them beneath her tank top.

My fingers head just barely grazed her bra before she jerked her head back and rolled off my lap. My hands dropped to my thighs and I turned to her, in shock.

She was practically collapsed against the seat, panting and sweaty. My hair was wet and stuck to the nape of my neck, the collar of my t-shirt damp.

"What's wrong?" I asked after we caught our breath.

"I'm sorry. We just…we had to stop."

"Are you okay?" I asked, grabbing her hand.

She smiled. "Yes, but we have to go eat, and we obviously got carried away."

_Carried away? Carried away would have involved a lot more nakedness. Honey, we were just getting started._

"I was kind of okay with that," I said, running my fingers along the hem of her skirt. I wanted throw myself on her and weep and plead for her to at least let me touch her tits.

"I'm sorry," she said, looking like she meant it.

And then I felt all guilty and shitty for making her feel bad.

"Hey, stop that." I leaned over and kissed her forehead. "Don't apologize—that was incredible."

She stared out the window for moment before turning to me.

"Now I'm _really _hungry."

I laughed and then shifted a bit. "Okay, but I think I'm going to need a couple of minutes before we go in."

Her eyes darted straight to my crotch and her cheeks flared up. "Oh!"

"Do you mind just chilling out for a few minutes?" I asked, leaning my head back against the seat. The fucking blue balls would be the death of me.

"Totally, take your time…or whatever…I mean…I'm sorry. I mean, if that's because of me…"

I snorted. "No, not at all. The promise Mexican food always gets me hard."

I had to admit, it was fun to get a rise out of her. The blush spread to her chest and she suddenly became transfixed with the floor mats.

"Sorry, it's just an unfortunate side effect," I said, feeling bad for teasing her.

Why the fuck was I feeling bad all the damn time now?

She slipped herself beneath my arm and wrapped hers around my waist. She began tracing her fingers back and forth across my stomach.

"Bella…"

"Mmhmm?" she mumbled.

I looked down at her. "As much as I'm loving this, if you keep it up you're never going to eat."

"Sorry!" she yelped and flew up so fast that her head smacked into my chin.

"Fuck," I spat, more at the shocking sound of my teeth slamming against each other. I grabbed my chin and rubbed.

"Oh God, I am such an idiot, I'm so sorry!"

She moved onto her knees and then sat back on her heels next to me and rubbed my jaw. Her face was wrought with concern, but I had reached a point where her touching me anywhere was making me fucking crazy.

"Bella, honey, this situation is dangerously close to resolving itself and then you're gonna have to get your food to go…"

She pulled her hand from my face. "Okay, how about we sit in the front seat and you turn the car and the air on? I think we both need to cool off for a bit."

"That sounds marvelous," I said, hoping she didn't pick up on the sarcasm.

I reached over her and pushed the door open. She got out and went over to the passenger side. I was so fogged up I didn't even bother to get the door for her, but rather slumped down in the driver's seat and turned the AC on full blast.

I thought about a whole slew of non-sexy things, and finally imagining James and Laurent making out did the trick. Bella had put her blouse back on and fixed her hair. I cut the engine and got out before my mind started to drift back to her flushed damp skin and wet little mouth. She was out of the car before I got to her side.

"Hey now, you know the rules," I scolded.

"Didn't work out so well last time, Jasper. Let's just try to make it into the restaurant."

And we did. And we made it through our meal as well, even though watching her eat a burrito was strangely erotic. When the bill came, Bella reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out some little cartoon cat change purse. She opened it and began to rifle through.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Getting money," she said, innocently.

I put my elbows on the table and my face in my hands.

"What?"

I shook my head. "I'm buying your dinner, Bella."

"No way, I have money. I was the one who said I wanted to go eat; I wasn't looking for a free meal."

"I know you weren't, but that's just not the way it works. I'm from the South, sweetheart, just humor me."

She frowned and stared at her little pathetic wallet for a moment. I quickly pulled some cash from my wallet and handed it, along with the check, to the waitress as she passed.

"Thanks, Jasper," she said, sounding defeated.

"No sweat, I'll just have to do a few extra shifts at the salt mine to pay for that expensive meal."

She laughed. "Hey, do you have a job anyway?"

"Sometimes I do. I'm generally pretty unemployable though."

"Well, it must be nice not to _have _to work."

"Yeah, I'd highly recommend going the rich daddy route. Did you have to work for the sad little bills you have stuffed in that change purse?" I asked.

She feigned a glare. "Well, Renee gives me money from time to time, but yeah, I baby-sit, too."

"Baby-sit? Huh. Well, I suppose at some point I'll have to grow up and get a job. Maybe I could baby-sit with you?" I wriggled my eyebrows.

She laughed off the comment. "Do you ever go to class?"

"On occasion."

"Are you passing?"

"Barely."

"Well, how do you even manage to pass if you don't go?"

"I've got people taking care of that for me. I get a little help from my friends, you know?"

She shook her head. "And what are you gonna do when it's time to graduate and get a real job?"

"I don't think that time will come until I'm ready for it. It's not like a magical four or five years and then all of a sudden you walk out with a job and life. College doesn't teach you anything you need to know about having a job. It just keeps your immature ass out of the workforce for a few years so that you can get your shit together."

She gnawed on the inside of her lip for a few and stared at me. "You know, oddly enough that makes sense."

"Trust, kiddo. I'm older and wiser—you could benefit from my experience."

She blushed a bit at that, and once again it wasn't my intention, but her reaction amused me. Little Miss Swan had a bit of a dirty mind sometimes. I decided to let it slide this time, though.

"C'mon. I gotta take you home now. I have a photo shoot tonight."

She busted out laughing. "A what?"

"I'm not sure I appreciate that reaction. Is it so hard to believe that someone would want to take photos of me?"

"No, I'm sorry, it's just—you don't strike me as the male model type."

"Well, you're right there. It's for some Christian mag. They're interviewing the Rev."

"Oh, that's cool," she said as we got to the car.

"Not even a bit. Come here."

I grabbed her arm and pulled her close and then leaned down and pressed my nose against hers.

"I don't want to take you home." It wasn't even a lie.

"Well, like you said, you've got a photo shoot. And anyway, I have a bunch of homework."

I grabbed her face and kissed her. The two days of foreplay were making me delirious and I felt like I couldn't keep my hands off of her. I was mildly concerned about scaring her off with my persistent sexual advances, but she didn't really seem fazed. In fact, after several minutes of deep mouth exploration she wrapped her arms around my waist and I felt her hands slip beneath my t-shirt. Her soft palms grazed across my lower back and as awesome as it was, I pulled away after little bit because I knew where it was going—or _not_ going. I wasn't going to be fucking her in this parking lot, so I could really do without the aching crotch.

"All right, all right, all right. Let's get you home, you little devil," I said, holding the door open for her.

. . .

The bullshit ensued practically the minute I walked into the house. The Rev was in fine form barking orders at anyone in his line of sight and giving me shit about nearly everything as per usual. Rosalie's bitch decided to add himself to the mix as well. Normally I didn't really give a shit about having Edward around, but he recently decided to join the Anti-Jasper League and started giving me shit, too.

At first I chalked it up to him having his man-period and I tried to be cool about it when he continually sassed me about hanging around Bella. But then I had this big crazy epiphany and realized that the little bastard was just jealous.

He kept trying to guilt trip me and make me feel like a creep, something he had never done previously. He knew who she was, they had classes together, and so suddenly it was like a big fucking bang and the universe made sense. The little pimp was trying to manipulate me and make me feel bad so that I'd back off and he could get first dibs on the ass that I was so carefully cultivating.

_Like hell, Cullen. It's go-time, pretty boy. _

I didn't blame the kid for his mental infidelity—Rosalie was the epitome of a nightmare girlfriend and I'd never seen two people more ill-suited for each other. But Edward spent the last however many years moping and laying around our place like he was in a damn Calvin Klein ad, and now all of a sudden he wanted out? Coincidentally, with my new favorite thing? _No me gusta, ese._

I spent the rest of the evening fucking with him for shiggles and then finally I decided to really rub his face in it.

"Well, I think I'm gonna go see the little lady," I said, probably a little too smugly.

In all honesty, I would have gone to see her anyway, but I deeply enjoyed making the public announcement.

Of course, Edward tried to dissuade me with the incredibly compelling argument that "It's almost nine!"

I resisted the urge to laugh in his face and instead I simply bid adieu to the Hale family fuckery for the evening and gracefully exited the premises.

I pulled up to Bella's house and sent her a text.

_I'm here, princess. Let down your hair. _

A second later my phone beeped.

_Come around back._

I was tempted to text, "It would be my pleasure," but I wasn't sure that she'd appreciate the humor.

I hopped out of the car and made my way to the backyard. A minute later Bella came from around the side of the house. As soon as I saw her in her tight little t-shirt and her baggy pajama pants, I forgot all about Edward and my shitty evening.

"Hey, Brown Eyes," I said, smiling.

"Hi. So what's the impetus for this late night visit?"

"What's with you high-schoolers? Is nine really that late?"

"It's almost nine-thirty, and kinda…I have to wake up at six-thirty," she said, twisting a piece of hair around her finger.

"Damn, point taken. I just really wanted to see you. Are you going to invite me in?"

"Jasper, Renee and Phil are home…"

"Is there no secret back entrance? I can be as quiet as a church mouse."

She shook her head. "Sorry, not happening."

"Well, it was worth a shot," I said, grabbing the drawstring of her pants and pulling her in for a kiss.

As we kissed, I slid my hands from her lower back to her ass and squeezed. I pushed her hips into mine. I knew the end result would likely only be the deepening of my sexual frustration but I couldn't help it, I was willing to take whatever I could get.

Finally, I pulled my mouth from hers.

"Let's go somewhere. Let me take you somewhere. You can come to my house, or—"

She shook her head, cutting me short. "No, I really have to go to bed soon. I told you I couldn't hang out long. I'm sorry, Jasper!"

The girl was bringing me to my knees. I took a deep breath.

"Okay, okay, clearly you can't be persuaded."

"Maybe we could hang out tomorrow?"

My first instinct was to say no, simply because we had been seeing each other every day since we met, and that was a serious breach of Jasper's Ten Commandments of Keepin' It Casual. But goddamn if I couldn't get enough of that little cutie. And if she wasn't so damn sweet it might have been a bit easier to shoot her down.

"I'm picking you up from school, okay?" I traced my fingers up and down her neck and along her collarbone.

She nodded and I gripped her chin between my thumb and forefinger. "Give me something to look forward to."

She stood up on her tiptoes and gave me a sweet little kiss.

"I was hoping you'd flash me, but I guess that was all right."

She smacked my stomach. "See ya later, Jasper."

I gave her a quick salute and then walked around the house, back to my car. As soon as I got in, I called James.

"Jameson, why don't you join me for some beers?"

"Right on, when and where?" he asked, needing no time to consider it.

"Now and I don't know…how about Hidden House? Actually, I'll run home and tell Peter to pick us up, then we'll have a DD."

"Excellent. Later."

. . .

An hour and a half later, Peter, James and I were sitting at the bar with three beers and three shots of tequila. I raised my shot glass.

"To blue balls. They're supposedly not fatal, but I'm beginning to doubt that," I said.

We each took our shot and chased it with the beer.

"So, Barely Legal's still not putting out?" James asked.

I sneered at him. "Not exactly. She's getting there. I hope. If I don't die first."

"Well that's what you get for hooking up with a seventeen-year-old, you idiot," Peter added.

I tried to remember why I wanted to hang out with these jokers in the first place.

"Dude, why are suffering the blue balls anyway? Why don't you just, you know, supplement with someone else for the time being?" James asked.

The question surprised me because I didn't really know the answer. Normally, that's exactly what I would do. I tried to think of a good reason for why I hadn't cruised since that party on Friday. I wanted to believe it was because I was traumatized by the puking co-ed, but more likely it was due to some sort of feeling of _guilt. _I quickly compartmentalized that little gem.

"I don't know, James, because I'm lazy? Fuck, I didn't come here to have a heart-to-heart."

"All right, man—just sayin'…"

"Well, don't," I said, chugging the last half of my beer and flagging the waitress for another.

For a long while I stared at my beer, lamenting my newfound emotional retardation, while Peter stared at the TV and James at his phone.

Finally, J broke the silence. "What are the symptoms of Chlamydia?"

I flagged the waitress. "Check please!"


	8. Corinthians 7:1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight**

**A/N: Thanks to Legna989 as always, for a speedy beta job.

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_"Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: 'It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.'"_

_**Corinthians 7:1

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**_

_**Bella Swan**_

I heard the front door open and managed to pull Jasper's hand from my shirt just as Edward and Rosalie walked in. It was my first time at his house and I was horrified about making out there, even though no one was home, for exactly that reason.

I pulled my mouth from his and nudged him back, my cheeks already burning, when Rosalie walked into the room.

"Jasper, your car is in the middle of the damn roundabout. Were you drunk when you came home or something?" she asked, scowling at us. Mostly at me.

I smirked internally, remembering that as we pulled up I had his earlobe in my mouth and he was pretty anxious to get in the house. Edward walked into the room with a carton of orange juice. His expression was similar to Rosalie's, but after a moment he flashed a somewhat forced smile and said hello.

"Relax, Briar Rose, I'll move it. Is there some reason why you require full usage of the driveway?" Jasper asked.

"No, I was merely trying to save you from getting into shit with Daddy," she said, before turning to Edward. "You are _not_ drinking that from the carton."

Edward smirked and winked at us and then put the carton to his lips. Rose's mouth gaped open and with the carton still against his lips he said, "Relax, there's only a bit left. I'm gonna finish it."

She huffed a bit and then turned back to Jasper. He casually moved his hand between my legs and squeezed my thigh. I nearly died of embarrassment but I was hesitant to move his hand and draw everyone's attention to it.

"Rev won't be home 'til later. He and Mom are at some event for the Christian Coalition or the Radical Right or some shit."

He moved his hand just beneath the hem of my shorts and I attempted to pinch his side in a silent warning, but of course the bastard had practically no body fat and so I couldn't get a grip on him. I looked over at Edward and found him pretty much staring between my legs. I wanted to disappear.

Things had gotten better between Edward and me, but still I knew he was weirded out by my relationship—or whatever it was—with Jasper and so I really tried to avoid all of us being in the same room at once.

It had only been a week since our first date, but practically my whole life, or at least my social life, had changed since then. I saw Jasper briefly, at the very least, nearly every day, and while we did an awful lot of making out, we also did some normal stuff like watching TV, going out to eat, and even having the occasional serious conversation. On top of all that, Edward looked at me for the first time ever on Monday and by Wednesday we had our first fight. As depressing as it was to go from worshipping the guy from afar to yelling at him on the soccer field after school, I still couldn't help but feel thrilled at the fact that we were interacting at all. A week ago it would have been unimaginable.

In fact, even at the beginning of that day Edward and I still weren't talking. He stared at me all through both classes on Monday. On Tuesday, he barely glanced in my direction, as per usual, and on Wednesday the eye contact was minimal again. I hadn't heard from Jasper at all that day, so I planned to hang out with the girls after school—Jess's crush on Eli was in full swing again, so she wanted to go watch soccer practice. I felt encouraged by the fact that the prospect of watching Edward play soccer didn't get quite the rise that it used to out of me. Of course, that self-satisfied sense of pride lasted until I saw him jogging off the field right towards us on the bleachers. I frowned when I realized he could still make my heart palpitate. I tried not to watch as he poured water over himself and then toweled it off. He came to a halt next to the bleachers and bent over to grab a t-shirt that was lying on the ground. Back in the days when he didn't look at me it was pretty easy to ogle him, but now I had to be careful. And practically on cue with that thought he turned to me as he pulled his shirt over his head.

"Hey," he said, flashing me a lopsided smile that made me choke on my own spit.

Like a total dork, I looked around to make sure he was actually addressing me.

"Uh. Hi?" _Why did I make it sound like a damn question?_

"You're going out with my girlfriend's brother, right? Jasper?"

"Yeah. I mean no, no not really. I don't…it's weird. Not really weird but just, not like that, you know?"

"I think I get it. I actually kind of wanted to talk to you about that."

_Really?_

"Um, okay?"

"I've got to bring this gear back to the gym. Wanna walk with me?"

I could practically hear Angela squeal internally. I could feel the giddiness emanating off of Alice, and I could only imagine the blind jealous rage burning inside of Jessica. She was having a hard enough time with the attention I was getting from Jasper. As much as she was happy that I wasn't 'a prude' anymore, I think she'd always hoped that I would end up with Jacob Black or someone else she didn't have to feel too jealous about.

"Sure." I think I sounded calm but I was just praying to every God imaginable to just let me get up from the bleachers and walk over to him without doing something stupid.

I managed to pull it off and we began to cross the field with each other.

"So, how come you're out here anyway? Do you usually watch sports practices?" he asked.

"No. Sometimes we hang out by the field. But…well my friend Jess kind of has a thing for that guy Eli," I said, hoping word of my blabbermouthery wouldn't get back to Jess.

"Ah, Eli, huh? Too bad he's practically married."

"She'll get over it. She always does." I was still WTFing in my head a bit over the fact that I was just casually walking and talking with him.

He stopped and turned to me. "You probably think it's really weird of me to just randomly start talking to you, right? It's just, well, I saw you with Jasper in the parking lot the other day."

The memory of Jasper telling me that Edward did not approve of us came flooding back. I simply nodded and waited for him to continue.

"So this really isn't my place, but I just wanted to give you a heads up, because I've known Jasper for a while now. He's kind of shady. I mean, yeah, he's nice and funny and stuff but he's with a new chick practically every day and they never seem to hang around for long. I just thought I should let you know in case you didn't already know about him."

"You're right," I said, feeling my jaw clench hard.

He sighed in relief. "I'm glad you get it because-"

I cut him off, "No, I mean you're right about it not being your place. You may know Jasper but you don't know me. What makes you think I need your damn PSA?"

It was a day of firsts: my first time talking to Edward, and my first time bitching out on him.

He looked a little stunned. "Bella, I didn't mean to offend you, I just thought it would be helpful information."

"You were looking at me a lot in class on Monday. Before Jasper picked me up. Why was that?" I wondered where my brand new pair of balls came from.

"Well," he started, nervously swiping his hand through his wet hair, "Jasper mentioned he was going out with you on Saturday. I realized that you were in a couple of my classes, so I guess it was just out of curiosity."

"Yeah, so you never talked to me before and now you feel the need to save me from the big bad blond Don Juan? What's it to you anyway?"

I was fuming, which was probably the only reason why I didn't start crying. I had spent almost three years creating an image of Edward Cullen in my mind and within minutes he was tearing it all to shreds. I was so sick of people and their little FYIs and "just be carefuls," as if I was a total bonehead following Jasper around like a stray cat.

His eyes narrowed and a scowl distorted his face. "Listen, I just thought I was being nice, or helpful or whatever. But clearly you're totally fine with being played, so if I've offended you I sincerely apologize." His tone was a little sarcastic for my liking.

"Well, since we are sharing relationship advice, I'd be remiss not to tell you that your girlfriend is a cold stuck-up bitch who treats pretty much everyone like dirt."

His face went blank then and he shifted the bag of gear to his other hand. He stared at me for a moment before speaking. "Well, it was nice to meet you, Bella. I'm sure I'll see you around the Hales'."

With that he slung the bag over his shoulder and continued towards the gym. I stood in the middle of the field like a dope for a few minutes before jogging back to the bleachers. Angela, Alice, and Jess were all still sitting there, staring wide-eyed at me. The minute I caught their eyes, I felt the tears well up and sting mine. I kept running past the bleachers to the brick snack shed. The girls of course followed me and as they came around the corner they found me leaning against the wall, my hand clasped over my mouth.

"What just happened?" Alice asked.

"What did he say?" Angela put her hand on my shoulder.

"Let me guess, he's a total cock. Knew it," Jess added.

I took a minute to collect my thoughts and calm myself down. I wasn't quite sure why I had gotten so emotional, other than the monumental letdown of my first conversation with Edward.

"He just wanted to _warn _me about Jasper. Like, it came out of nowhere. I got so mad because he doesn't even know me, and yet he thinks the first time he talks to me he can lecture me? Jasper told me that Edward was all grossed out about us being together, and I just got so angry."

"Wait…are you and Jasper together?" Alice asked.

I understood that our situation really wasn't that clear, but I wished that everyone could just let it be and not feel the need to define us.

"No. Not like _together _together, but you know, we've been hanging out a lot…and stuff…and he knows, obviously."

Alice nodded. "So what did you say to him?"

"I said that I didn't need his input. And I told him if we were trading advice he should know that Rosalie was a stuck-up bitch."

Jess practically cackled at that. "Oh my God, that is awesome! Man, I wish I could have seen the look on his face when you said that!"

"I have to hand it to you, Bella. I'm impressed that you stood up for yourself and didn't just take that crap from him," Alice said, gripping my shoulder affectionately.

"I don't even really know what happened. It all just came out. I don't even know why I got so worked up."

"Well, probably because you've liked him forever and the first time he talks to you a bunch of judgmental bullshit comes out of his mouth. That's pretty fucking annoying." I could tell Alice was starting to get mad, too.

"I know, I just…I should have kept it together. It was stupid to get so mad."

Angela finally spoke up, "Don't worry. I'm sure if you apologize to him everything will be fine."

"Apologize! Why the hell should she apologize to him?" Jess spat.

"It just sounds like he was trying to be helpful. I mean, I don't think he was trying to hurt Bella's feelings," she responded.

"Whatever, you don't just go up to someone you don't know and offer them some half-assed relationship advice," Jess shot back.

"Girls, whatever the case, our girl is bummed and we need to get the hell out of this godforsaken place. May I suggest Jamba Juice?" Alice said, jingling her car keys.

I sighed and wiped my eyes. "I guess I could go for a Strawberry Nirvana."

Alice stuck out her lower lip and wrapped her arms around me, pulling me towards the parking lot. "Awww, come on. I'm buying."

. . .

I felt better after getting away from school and rehashing and analyzing the Edward fight a few hundred times. I was still disappointed that things had played out the way they did, but I felt stupid for getting so emotional over it. He didn't know me, I didn't know him, and despite our brief interaction, not much had really changed. I began to appreciate even more just how easy it was to be with Jasper, and I began to care even less what other people thought about us.

Still, I felt a little ill at ease the next day as I walked into Biology. Edward hadn't arrived yet, so I sat down and immediately occupied myself with reading yesterday's chapter. My schoolwork was definitely slipping a bit—between the time I spent with Jasper and the time I spent on the phone talking about him with Jess or Alice or Angela or all three, I had taken to getting my homework for each class done in the period preceding. I made a mental note to stop being such a slacker.

When Mr. Banner began the lecture, I looked up and saw that Edward was in his seat, reading a paperback. I tried to focus on the lesson, but stole a few glances over to him from time to time. I don't think he looked at me once all period. After class I went to my locker to switch books, and just as I popped it open, Edward appeared next to me. Startled, I of course dropped the two books I was trying to put into the top portion.

He bent over to pick them up and then deposited them into the locker. I pretty much just stared at him like a stunned animal because I loved it when he wore the sweater vest and rolled the sleeves of his shirt up all sloppily.

"Do you think we could talk?" He made a please-don't-punch me face.

I wanted to say _no_. Or _why the fuck would I want to talk to you?_ Or _sure Dr. Laura, I'd love to hear your thoughts on life._

But it was Edward and he made me stupid, no matter what.

"Um, okay…"

"Somewhere else, though? I'll make it quick, I promise."

I nodded and he tipped his head towards the Art wing. I shut my locker and we headed down the hallway until we came to the supply room. He opened the door for me and I walked across the small room and leaned against a shelf full of art supplies. I waited for him to speak first.

"I just wanted to apologize for yesterday. None of it came out the way I wanted to, and I should never have said anything anyway."

I nodded, unsure of what to say or how I felt.

"I really didn't mean to come off like a jerk or nosy, it's just…well, my motivation doesn't really even matter because I had no right to even say anything in the first place."

I thought about what he said for a moment before I spoke. "Okay. Apology accepted, I guess. And I'm sorry for the things I said about Rosalie. I don't even know her."

"Don't—I completely deserved it."

"Maybe you did, but she didn't."

"Well…" He smirked briefly but his face quickly turned serious again. "Anyway, I'd hate to just leave it at that. I hope we can be friends or whatever. I'd appreciate the opportunity to show you that I'm not an asshole."

"Why?" I blurted.

"I don't know, I suppose because I'll probably be seeing you around."

"Maybe not. I mean it's not like Jasper and I are together. Not seriously, anyway."

"We have two classes together, too."

He squinted at me and then moved closer. He reached up and put his hand in my hair. I stared up at him. His face was so perfect up close, I wanted to reach up and touch his lips. He extracted his hand and held up a bright pink feather.

"And you're dangerously close to a bag of glitter." He laughed and gestured behind him.

I wanted to say something about how we'd been in class together all year and he never wanted to be friends, or to mention that he merely apologized for speaking up, not for what he said. But he was so close that I could feel his breath on my face, and so instead I just nodded. I didn't even know what I was nodding about.

As the last bell rang, he smiled again and walked toward the door.

"I'll see you in Calculus, then," he said before leaving the room.

I stood there for a second trying to steady my breathing. Edward didn't know me for almost three years. Then we hated each other for like, five seconds. And now we were friends?

He was going to give me an aneurysm.

. . .

"Hey, you." Jasper smiled as I approached his car.

He was wearing a snug white t-shirt, jeans and a leather jacket, and I couldn't help but smile. As much as I liked to think I was immune to the hype, I got a certain amount of smug satisfaction from being with Jasper. It was really stupid and I'd never admit it out loud to anyone, but there was just something about the way people stared at him, and at us when we were together. It wasn't always an "Oh, there's the infamous Jasper Hale" stare either. There was just no denying the guy was really, really, crazy hot, and as such he garnered a lot of attention. And when we'd walk down the street and he'd put his arm around my shoulder or waist, or his hand on the back of my neck—well, that attention would often shift to me, and I'd have to have been a robot for it not to draw a pleasant reaction.

Sometimes it was a little uncomfortable when girls would glare at me, but most of the attention we got seemed to be more of a fascination or curiosity, and I felt like I was dating someone famous. I suppose in some ways I was, at least in our community. I tried not to let myself get carried away, but it was difficult because this stuff just didn't happen to someone like me. I had barely ever even had a boyfriend and then suddenly I found myself on the arm of one of the best looking guys in town. Not that Jasper was my boyfriend, but sometimes it probably looked that way to the general public.

I stole a furtive glance at Rosalie and Edward, whose Volvo was parked a few spots down. I could handle the attention anywhere but at school, where the stares made my skin crawl. Luckily, they had their backs to us. Edward and I had just formed our precarious friendship today, and I wanted it to last at least past the weekend. I smirked briefly at the memory of Angela's face when Edward said 'Hi' to me in Calc. She blanched and nearly fell out of her chair.

I took another surveying glance around the parking lot and when I reached the car, Jasper grabbed the lapels of my blazer and pulled me close to him. He leaned over and murmured, "Are you ashamed of me, Miss Swan?"

The horror and embarrassment was probably evident in my face. "No, of course not! We talked about this—I just don't love the attention. At least not from people I know."

When he leaned in to kiss me I momentarily forgot all about everyone in the parking lot. Jasper was a really good kisser.

After a moment we were interrupted by dramatic retching noises. I pulled away from Jasper and turned to find Alice with her finger in her throat, laughing. She was the only one who would actually just come over and talk to me when Jasper was there. Everyone seemed to be intimidated, even though I tried to show them that there was no reason to be.

"I'm sorry, do we offend?" Jasper asked, laughing.

"Ohhh nooo, please continue to violate my best friend's mouth right in front of me. It doesn't gross me out at all."

"Al, you're the one who came over here," I said, handing Jasper my backpack.

"I know, but that's because I wanted to discuss something with you and I wasn't sure exactly how long you planned on sucking face."

I shook my head and rolled my eyes. "Well, what is it?"

"Not here, can I steal you for thirty secs?"

I looked at Jasper and he shrugged. "By all means, I certainly don't want to piss the little one off."

Alice tapped her temple and pointed at Jasper. "He's a smart one."

She grabbed my arm and yanked me off towards her car. She got in the backseat and I followed. A few seconds later Jess and Angela got in the front.

"Angela tells us that Edward said 'Hi' to you in class and you didn't even flinch. Start talking, Swan," Alice said.

"It's really not that interesting. We talked after Bio. He apologized for yesterday and said that he hoped we could be friends."

"And that's not a big deal? Edward Cullen wants to be friends. The same guy you've been lusting after since ninth grade is now talking to you and wanting to be your friend."

"He just said that because he didn't want me to think he was an asshole. And because he thinks we're going to see a lot of each other. You know, because of Jasper and stuff."

"So, you're going to be friends. That's like, the foundation, Bella. That is awesome!" Alice slapped my knee.

I shrugged. "I should probably go. Jasper's waiting."

Alice's expression turned from animated to suspicious. She squinted at me for a moment and then she and Jessica and Angela exchanged some meaningful glances.

I looked at each of them and then back to Alice. "What?"

"You're not being totally honest about this Jasper thing. Either with us, or yourself," she said, pointing a finger at me.

I shifted. "Alice, not now, okay? I've got to go."

The three of them just stared at me with various shades of disappointment on their faces. Actually, not Jess—she just looked bored.

I fumbled for the door handle. "So, I'll talk to you guys later, all right?"

Alice nodded slowly, still scrutinizing me. Angela smiled brightly and waved.

"It's almost been a week. You better at least give him a BJ," Jess offered in lieu of a friendly goodbye.

I chose to ignore the comment and instead climbed out of the car and headed back to Pearl.

Jasper was leaning against the car reading something on his phone. When I approached, he shoved it in his pocket.

"I've got a social engagement tonight—Felix's birthday—so unfortunately our time is limited," he explained as he slipped his arm around my waist and led me to the passenger side. "What do you want to do?"

Before I could answer, he ran his fingers over my jaw and then kissed me. Of course, after a moment I pulled away and looked around the parking lot. I had no idea why I felt the need to do that all the time, and yet sure enough Edward was looking. Actually, he was glaring, but when we made eye contact his face changed almost immediately. He smiled and nodded his head.

Jasper looked over and then back at me. He raised an eyebrow and then opened my door for me. I got in and he walked back to his side.

As he started the car he said, "So, you've made friends with the Cullen boy have you?"

"I guess." I decided there would be no use in telling him about our little spat on the soccer field. "He just introduced himself to me or whatever. I guess because he knows you. He figures we should be friends if we're going to see each other around."

"Quelle surprise," Jasper said, as he pulled out of the lot.

. . .

On Friday, Edward said "hi" to me in both Bio and Calc and then again in the cafeteria. He was standing in front of his table wearing the standard white button down with the green cardigan. His tie was undone but still threaded around his collar. As I came into the room, our eyes met and he waved. Rosalie turned around, looked me up and down, and then turned back to him. I couldn't see her face, but his shrug and eye roll told me that I probably didn't want to. For a second, I regretted taking back what I said about her.

I spotted Angela, Alice, and Jess and I walked over to the table and dropped my lunch on it. I had just finished swallowing the first bite of my peanut butter sandwich when Mike Newton and Lauren came over to the table. Lauren sat next to Jess and immediately they began talking in auctioneerspeak. Apparently they had a lot to catch up on.

"Swaney…so what's up with you and Jasper Hale? Have you gone all Bad Sandra Dee on us?" Mike squeezed himself between Alice and me.

Immediately all eyes were on me.

"Not that it's really any of your business, but we are just hanging out," I said, taking a sip of my iced tea. I had lost count of how many times I referred to what I was doing with Jasper as "just hanging out." The phrase was getting on my nerves.

"Yeah, right, because Jasper so commonly just hangs out with high school girls."

Lauren and Jess cackled, and Mike continued, "So did he bust your C yet or what?"

Angela's jaw hit the table and Alice and I simultaneously smacked him.

"Mike, get the hell out of here," I said, hoping my face wasn't red.

"Well, that wasn't a denial…"

"What makes you think I would ever answer that question, you creep? I'm serious, don't sit here if you're going to be an asshole."

"Okay, okay. Geez, Swaney, it was just a joke." He turned to Lauren, "Come on L-Boogie, the knob needs polishing before Gym."

Lauren sneered, but still got up from the table. She made a phone hand gesture and mouthed the words _call me_ to Jess.

"Is it just me or does Mike get more and more obnoxious as he gets older?" Angela asked.

I just shook my head and stuffed more PB and J into my mouth.

"He's just trying to get a rise out of Bella. He knows she's a good girl," Alice said, flashing me an almost cautionary look.

"Okay, listen, guys, we've been friends for a long time, and I know that there was once at time where we talked about something other than Jasper. So can't we do that now?"

"Well, we used to talk about Edward…" Angela offered.

"Nope. Next," I sighed.

"I got to third with Garrett Jones last night at the baseball game," Jess said before taking a bite off a baby carrot.

"I would love to hear all about that," I said, turning to face her.

. . .

I shifted and Edward thankfully looked back up at my face and then turned to head back into the kitchen.

I turned to Jasper and whispered, "Can we go upstairs or something?"

I instantly regretted my choice of words, or location, when he flashed me an all too eager smile.

"I'm gonna go with _hell yes._"

He grabbed my arm and pulled me towards the staircase. As we ascended, Rosalie called out behind us, "_The car?_"

Jasper inhaled sharply and shook his head. "Later," he answered her.

He barely had his door closed before he was all over me. He turned me around and backed me against it and then dragged his lips across my cheek to my ear. He moved his hands from my waist to my ass and squeezed.

"You're driving me mad, Brown Eyes," he murmured against my ear, before pulling my earlobe between his teeth.

I didn't want to stop him. Not only because I felt bad that I was the one suggesting that we go upstairs, giving him a certain impression, but also because…I didn't want to stop him. I wanted him to keep kissing me all over. I wanted his hands everywhere. I wanted to see him naked. But there was a disconnect somewhere, and some stupid part of me always put the brakes on. Because I didn't want to be like Jess, because I didn't want to give him what he wanted, because I was scared, because I had no idea what I was doing, and because he clearly did.

As his hand moved beneath my bra, I clutched his wrist over my t-shirt, eliciting a hard exhalation. He was having more and more trouble hiding his frustration, which only made me feel guiltier, and yet strangely more resolved.

"I'm sorry. I am. I just, I felt awkward down there. I'm not stopping you, I just…can we just slow down for a sec."

He pressed his forehead into mine and nodded. "I'll be right back. Just…make yourself comfortable, or whatever," he said, gesturing to his bed.

I nodded and as he closed the door, I looked around the room. It was rather large, with a huge four-poster bed in the back corner next to French doors which probably led out to a balcony. It was painted a light gray and the bedspread and pillows were varying shades of gray and black. It appeared as though he was minimally involved in the décor, other than some random things tacked to the walls: a napkin with a number on it, a picture of a group of guys, some of whom were at the Loco the night I met him, and a picture of a vintage car that was not Pearl. I wandered to the desk where his silver MacBook Pro sat and next to it laid a Confederate flag postcard. I flipped it over and read.

_The south will rise again! San Antone misses its prodigal son. Don't get lost in the desert—we're holding down the fort for your return with the Cavalry. At least now the rest of us get laid…_

_Your brother in battle - Brady_

I snickered to myself and made a mental note to ask Jasper more about his time in San Antonio. Not that he'd ever tell me the good stuff, but it sounded like he still had a lot of great friends there and I imagined he had more than a few good stories.

I meandered over to the bed and sat on the edge. _The Sun Also Rises_ and _Another Bullshit Night in Suck City _sat atop his nightstand. I picked up the Hemingway and opened it. There was a stamp for the San Antonio Library System on the inside, and the last checkout date was 1981. I don't know what I was thinking, but I absentmindedly pulled open the drawer in the night table. Before I could scold myself for being so nosy, a glinting gold foil square caught my eye. I picked it up. _MAGNUM_ was spelled out across the wrapper in ominous large block letters.

_Crap._

I heard something out in the hall so I quickly tossed the condom back in the drawer and closed it. I sat with my hands in my lap, looking far too innocent, when Jasper opened the door. My eyes immediately went to his crotch. He looked down, and then back up.

"Sorry, where were we?" He smirked and walked toward me.

He sat down next to me and I literally had to force my eyes to remain above the waist. I stared straight ahead.

"Hello? You okay?"

I smiled and turned to him. "Yeah, fine." Crotchglance.

He lay back on the bed and then tugged my arm to join him. After a brief obligatory cuddle he rolled halfway on top of me and picked up where he left off. He was nothing if not persistent, but in a weird way I appreciated it. I needed the push to get over my stupid self-consciousness. As his mouth moved down and his hands moved up, I was getting over it pretty well, until he pushed his hips against me and I felt something. _Magnum. _The word appeared in my mind's eye and I started to sweat. He pushed my t-shirt up to my neck and his mouth moved to my chest. He pressed harder against me and as much as I wanted to tear all his clothes off, all I could think was _magnum, magnum_…it was like the _Jaws_ theme, building to a crescendo in my mind.

He moved on top of me completely. I tried to close my eyes and focus on his mouth and how good it made me feel. I grabbed an handful of his hair and arched my back but the feel of his hips sliding up my thigh called forth the image of the—now humongous in my mind—gold foil wrapper, reminding me that I was third string JV, trying to play with Varsity.

I pulled his hair and he groaned in ecstasy. I pulled harder and pushed his shoulders and he groaned in disappointment.

"What's wrong?" he asked, breathless. He leaned back on his arm and waited for a response.

"I'm hungry."

It was the first excuse that came to my mind. I pulled my shirt over my breasts, not because I was embarrassed but because the cold air from the vent on the ceiling was blowing over me. As it hit the wet spots Jasper had left, the effect was nearly painful.

"Really? Because we didn't eat that long ago and…really?"

I had used the "I'm hungry" excuse way too many times to back out of an intensifying make-out. He either thought I was a total porker, or he was on to me. It's not as if I could say, _"Sorry, I am just a bit freaked out about your potentially gigantic penis." _Actually, that may have worked better.

"Sorry, I'm just really starving for some reason. Can we go get something to eat?" I asked, running my fingers along the collar of his shirt and trying to look sincere.

He sighed heavily. "Okay. Just give me a minute."

"Thank you." I kissed him lightly on the cheek and took a deep breath, wondering whether Jasper's patience would wear out before I was ready to play in the big leagues. And how I would feel if it did.

* * *

**Sorry as ever for the lack of review replies. I'm fail at that, I know, but I promise I obsess over every one of them.**

**Also there is a link to the thread and my twitter in my profile :)**


	9. Proverbs 27:4

**Disclaimer: Own Twilight I Do Not.**

**A/N: Thanks as always to Legna989 for betaing this.

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_"Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?"_

_**Proverbs 24:7

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_**Edward Cullen**_

I arrived at school early on Monday hoping to have some time at the piano before homeroom. I was working on a piece for Songwriting and I wanted to record a bit of it to get some feedback from Mr. Young, my music teacher.

As I came down the steps from the parking lot I noticed Bella sitting at one of the picnic tables near the back entrance. I smiled, thanking God or whoever for the opportunity to talk with her alone and without distraction.

I blew it big time with her last week when I tried to warn her about Jasper. Her reaction to my unsolicited advice was probably very normal and very justified, but it still took me aback. At the time I believed that I was doing her a service by giving her a heads up about him, but if I was honest with myself, it really had nothing to do with my concern for her getting hurt. I was jealous. I liked her, and I figured if I called her attention to what a disingenuous slut he was, she'd leave him. About five seconds after I walked away from her on the field, I began to feel like a complete asshole. If Jasper had been with any other girl at school, including any of my female friends, I probably never would have said anything. It was because it was Bella that I felt the need to intervene, and I didn't like the manipulative bastard I was turning into. So I decided to change my approach.

I figured that I may never understand why I was suddenly so attracted to Bella, but that didn't mean I had to be a slave to that attraction. And trying to make her feel bad about herself and her relationship with Jasper was just making her hate me. I realized that perhaps becoming friends with her and getting to know her was a much better strategy than acting like a self-righteous ass and pushing her away. Sure using the word 'strategy' still made me a bit shady, but at least I was being honest with myself. I liked her but we were both with other people, so it was better to just be friends and let our relationship take its natural course. I decided that for now it was better to avoid dealing with the Rosalie situation. I wasn't ready to deal with the drama that would ensue if I were to break up with her now. I figured maybe after graduation would be a better time and would make for a more natural transition.

Although, I thought the same thing last year when the school year was coming to a close, and then she made so many plans for our summer that I didn't have the heart to break it off and ruin the whole summer. And it's not like I had any other prospects anyway.

The more I thought things out the more I felt like a selfish, avoidant prick. So I just pushed it all aside and approached the picnic table.

Bella's back was to me, and she was hunched over a textbook. She was wearing a thin white camisole and her hair was pulled up into a messy ponytail, a few wavy tendrils falling loosely down her back. The school polo shirt and cardigan were piled next to her on the bench. I could have watched her for hours, reading and tapping her pencil against her head. The sight of her soft bare shoulders was nearly overwhelming. It was quite an effort to resist the urge to wrap my hands around them and then slide them down her arms. She looked so…_touchable_.

I took a deep breath and walked to the table. I tried to make some noise so as not to startle her, but when I tapped her on the shoulder she nearly jumped a mile, her pencil flying into the air. She pulled the earbuds out of her ears and blushed.

"I'm sorry," I said, reaching down to grab her pencil. She moved for it at the same time and we both flinched for a second. "I'll get that for you."

Before she sat up I caught a pretty decent view down the front of her loose tank top. I quickly averted my eyes, but the image was already burned into my mind anyway.

"I scare pretty easily," she said, taking the pencil from my hand. She held up her iPod, "This thing is dangerous for me."

I smiled and sat down across from her. "What are you listening to?"

"Um, The Kinks," she said, showing me the screen of the yellow Nano.

"'This Time Tomorrow'—that's such a great song," I said. I was far more impressed than I let on.

"Yeah. Renee, er, my mom is a big Kinks fan. I've been listening to them forever."

"_Well I'm not the world's most physical guy but when she squeezed me tight she nearly broke my spine, oh my Lola…_" I began a verse of "Lola."

"_Lo-lo-lo-lo-Lola…_" she finished it, bursting into giggles. "Awesome song."

"So great I don't even bother to question the subject matter," I said, laughing. "So what are you doing at school so early?"

"I've been slacking a bit on my homework. I can't seem to get it done anywhere but school, so I had Renee drop me off on her way to work. Usually I get a ride with my friend Alice."

"So you call your mom Renee?"

"Oh…yeah… Just a habit."

I nodded. "I call my dad 'Carlisle,' actually. 'Dad' always just seemed kind of juvenile. I don't know. Every now and then I'll call him Dad if it feels right, but mostly it's just Carlisle. It's weird because I call my mother 'Mom.'"

"I know, I've given up trying to figure it out. I just call them whatever comes naturally. So what are you doing here so early?"

"I am writing a piano piece for Songwriting. I wanted record some stuff I wrote over the weekend so I could get some feedback from my teacher. It's just easier to do it when no one's around."

"Wow, you're in Songwriting? I hear that it's a brutal course."

I decided that I loved her mouth. And her neck. And her hair. "Sort of. You have to be selected to be in the class, or go through a very arduous audition process. It's not easy to write music—especially when you're given a limited timeframe—but I really like it. It's probably one of the only classes where I feel like I'm really learning something useful."

"Yeah, and you'll come out with your own original recorded music. That's amazing."

She smiled the most genuine and beautiful smile I had ever seen. I almost regretted sitting down with her because I was swooning like retard and was only getting myself deeper into the mess. How the fuck was I going to manage just being friends with her when I had barely been talking to her for five minutes and I already wanted to tear her flimsy tank top off with my teeth?

"It's pretty sweet, yeah. So, we've got the big Bio senior project coming up, huh? Too bad you have to do it and you're not even a senior."

"I know, but luckily I get credit for this as a senior class so I'll have fewer credits to take next year. I'm probably going to be really glad when my senior year involves no Math or Science."

"That was really smart. I had the option to take the advanced courses, too and opted out because I didn't want to have try hard. Big mistake."

She laughed and I continued, "So, do you have a partner yet for the project? Maybe we could partner together. I really want an A on it, and I don't have much faith in any of our other classmates."

"And you have faith in me? Why?" She smirked as she asked the question and I _almost _thought she might have been flirting a little bit.

I was a little afraid my motives were too transparent, so I tried to cover my ass a bit. "Well, obviously you know what you're doing if you're in a senior class, and Mr. Banner gave you the Golden Onion on Friday and that's pretty much the high school Bio II Nobel. Also, Jasper mentioned that you were really smart."

She lit up way too fucking much at that last comment. _Nice, Edward, why don't you also tell her that he thinks she's beautiful and would make a great fucking wife?_

"He did?" she asked.

Sure the advanced placement and onion mean nothing, but hey, if Jasper says you're smart, it must be true.

"Yeah, he did, but then Jasper's a total idiot so I don't know how much weight that assessment holds."

She furrowed her brow and then her face fell a bit.

_Beep, Beep, back it up, Edward. Back it the fuck up._ "Sorry, that was a joke. He and I kind of tease each other a lot."

She quickly recovered and I nearly sighed out loud in relief. "That's funny, I guess. Anyway, sure I'd be into partnering for that, I don't know anyone in that class, obviously."

"Cool. I think we get the outline in a week or so, and then we can talk about what we want to do."

"All right. Hopefully nothing that involves dissecting a cat. I had to do that lab on the computer and I still threw up," she said, wincing at the memory.

"I guess no Bio major for you then, huh?"

"No way. I think I'll go for English or Sociology, thanks. I don't get how anyone can do that stuff and not get sick."

"My father is a surgeon so I was exposed to a lot of medically explicit stuff growing up."

"Do you plan on following in his footsteps?"

"Heh. He wishes. I can't say I haven't considered it, but I'd really rather pursue music."

"Hmmm. Up on stage playing to a crowd? That would probably make me barf, too," she said, wrinkling her nose.

"I've never played for a really large audience, but I have played in front of lots of people at recitals and stuff. I think being behind the piano is a lot easier than singing or something."

"But you sing too, right? 'Cause you have a nice voice." She blushed and looked down at her book.

Fuck, I needed her to stop being so fucking cute.

"Thanks, but I don't really. I mostly just play."

"Other instruments too, or just piano?"

"I've always focused on piano but I play the guitar as well, and I'm okay on the drums. I'd be better if my mom ever let me practice."

"Wow, that's really awesome. I don't play anything, but I've always wanted to learn the guitar."

"You should, even just for fun. I can show you some basic stuff sometime if you want." Shameless, I am.

"Oh, God, I'd probably be a really bad student. I don't think I have an aptitude for music. But I guess it wouldn't hurt to try. Speaking of playing, though, school starts in half an hour. I guess I should let you go so you can record your stuff."

"Right, yeah. Okay, well I'll see you in Bio." I stood up and grabbed my bag.

"Yep. Thanks for offering to be my partner too. I was kind of stressing about that."

"No problem." _My pleasure_. _Get ready to eat shit, Jasper._

. . .

Two weeks later, we finally got our outlines for the Bio project. Bella and I decided to construct an anaerobic digester. We had nearly a month to complete it but our basic project plan and timeline was due on Friday, so we decided to get together the night before to work on it. Well, Bella asked if I wanted to meet in the library, and I _casually _suggested she just come over.

I hadn't made much headway with her other than saying 'Hi' and the occasional short conversation before or after class. It always seemed all these extraneous people were around, either her friends or mine, and it made shit really awkward. Of course, that was probably a clear indicator that my intentions weren't all that kosher—but I think she felt the awkwardness too. It was never easy to form new friendships in high school—especially with people outside of your acceptable little bubble. I enjoyed my brief conversations with Bella more than any with my group of friends, but perhaps that was just 'cause I wanted to jump her so bad it hurt.

So, Thursday after school Bella was riding home with me instead of with Jasper.

He was around so fucking much and they were always all over each other. Actually _he_ was always all over _her_. She seemed to have a modicum of decency, and tried to keep him in line when in public. I was proud of myself, though, for keeping my mouth shut about Jasper around her. I never mentioned the times I heard him on the phone flirting with girls, or about how Rose would mention him coming home drunk and making a racket at three in the morning. The more I got to know Bella the less I understood what she saw in Jasper. She was so sweet and down to earth and I felt like the universe was a fucking bastard for putting those two together.

It didn't help matters much when Rosalie begrudgingly admitted that Jasper had become a tiny bit more likable since he started seeing Bella, or that she had caught him actually being sweet to her a few times. I attributed all that to just being part of his schtick, and not that he was actually capable of any non self-serving emotions.

Of course, there was the time last week that Bella first met Reverend Hale. It was actually by accident; we had an early dismissal day and Jasper sent Rose a text asking her to bring Bella home with us. I would break into a cold sweat basically any time the three of us were together, but thankfully it was always all for naught. Rosalie was incredibly unobservant when it came to things not relating to herself, and she seemed to have no inkling of the feelings I had for Bella.

So we got to the Hales' and I excused myself to Rosalie's room to avoid watching Jasper maul Bella in the kitchen. When I got to the top of the steps I looked out the large foyer window and saw Reverend Hale's car pull up. I bounded back down the stairs and into the kitchen.

"Your dad's home," I said to Jasper. He was standing behind Bella with his arms wrapped around her waist. He dropped them after my announcement.

"Damn, what's he doing home so early?" he addressed Rosalie.

She shrugged. "Maybe they finished taping the interviews early."

Bella had blanched and her eyes darted to each of us. She was looking to be saved from the horror of meeting the good Reverend. I was tempted to offer to take her home, but before I could speak, Jasper did.

"Well, looks like you're going to meet Daddy Dearest. This should be good. This will blow his mind."

Bella wrinkled her nose. "Can we just go hide in the basement or something?"

Jasper raised an eyebrow and then gave his best white-van-driving-kid-diddler face. "Absolutely!"

She just rolled her eyes and smoothed out her skirt. "Is he going to hate me for being Catholic?"

"Bella, Rosalie and Edward go to your school, too, remember? Just pretend you don't practice."

"I don't."

"Okay, what do you practice?"

"Uhhh, nothing?"

"Let's just try not to discuss religion," he said, kissing her temple.

It pissed me off when he did shit like that. I preferred the creepy rape squad guy because he was easier to hate.

Reverend Hale came in the front door a second later. Bella visibly stiffened as he walked in the kitchen and made eye contact with her. Jasper reached over and gripped her hand, and then turned and winked at her. She eased up almost immediately.

"Well, hello there. Who might you be?" Reverend Hale said, extending his hand and flashing his TV smile.

"I'm Bella. It's really nice to meet you. I've seen you on TV."

"Bella, what a lovely name. And you've seen my little show? Tell me, what did you think?"

"I haven't seen much, but it was interesting. I mean, it looks very professional."

He laughed a little bit. "What church do you attend, my dear?"

Jasper put his arm around Bella's shoulder. "Rev, this isn't confirmation class."

"Jasper, if you did anything other than sleep and sin you'd know that Baptists do not practice confirmation." He turned back to Bella. "My dear, you should come to my church some time. I could introduce you to many nice boys your age in the congregation."

"Jasper is nice," Bella said, her voice wavering only slightly.

Rosalie's eyebrows shot up into her hairline.

"Sorry, sir, I just meant that I think he's a good person, and you raised him so it's a testament to you, really—and Mrs. Hale."

_Damn, did you just turn the tables Swan? Nice. _

Jasper looked down at her and smiled like he was all touched or something. I truly appreciated her holding her own against the Reverend, but the look on his face killed the buzz a little bit.

The Reverend just stared at her curiously for a moment and then smiled. "Well, thank you. It was very nice to meet you, Bella. I hope we'll see more of you."

He never said that shit to me. Ever. I believe the first time we met he said something along the lines of, "Well, look at what the cat dragged in." He probably would have had me lynched if it wasn't for his relationship with Carlisle.

The Reverend even patted her shoulder and then turned to Rosalie and me. He offered me a curt nod and stern, "Edward." And then he proceeded to fawn all over Rose with his _Angels _and his _Peaches _and all that crap he was always calling her.

Bella and Jasper left the kitchen immediately and I followed a few minutes later, not wanting to listen to the Reverend and Rosalie talk about her day. I was headed upstairs and when I passed the living room I saw the two of them standing there, Jasper's hands on her face. She had this look on her face that I couldn't quite place. I turned away quickly and went up the stairs, because that shit was hard to watch.

I shook my head and pushed the memory away. Today we were going to my place, which meant that I didn't have to worry about Jasper sniffing around and ruining my fucking day.

When we got there, my mother, who happened to be sweeping the front hall, greeted us immediately. She looked at Bella and me curiously for a moment before I remembered to introduce her.

"Mom, this is Bella. We're doing a project together for Bio."

My mother extended her hand and smiled. "I'm Esme. It's nice to meet you, Bella. Can I get you both anything before you start your school work?"

Bella shook her head. "I'm fine, thank you."

I declined the offer as well, even though I was starving. I led Bella up to my room and closed the door behind us, naturally to avoid distractions. At least that was my official reason.

"Wow, your room is really big. It's awesome, and so is the rest of your house," she said, looking around.

"You've only seen the hall and the foyer," I said, laughing. "But I can show you around later if you want."

"Sure. Your room, hall and foyer are probably bigger than my whole house."

"Your house is a decent size." I think I blushed instantly after finishing the sentence. I had already anticipated the next words out of her mouth and starting scanning my brain for an explanation.

"You've never seen my house...have you?"

"I think I did once. You live in Red Cliffs right? My friend Eli lives in that neighborhood. I think I saw you in front of your house once." As close to the truth as possible, I just left out the stalking part.

"Right, Eli. He just lives a few streets over. Anyway, a few of my houses could probably fit in this one."

I shrugged and pulled my iPod from my pocket and attached it to the docking station. I pressed play, loosened my tie, and then turned to her.

"I'm just going to get changed, okay? I hate this stupid uniform."

She nodded and I grabbed a t-shirt and jeans from the back of my desk chair and walked into the closet. Before closing the door I gestured to the couch. "You can sit if you want—on the couch or the bed, or wherever.

She walked over to the couch and I quickly got changed in the closet. When I came back out she was flipping through a magazine.

"You read the _New Yorker_, huh?" she asked with a half smirk.

"Okay, I know it's pompous, but there really are some good articles. I bought that issue because there is an essay by David Sedaris. He's one of my favorite authors. I also read it because I love New York, and I kind of just like reading about all the stuff happening there."

"I've never been," she said, still flipping inattentively.

"It's a great city. You should go. I'm actually going to school there in the fall." As I said it I realized that after this summer I'd be gone. I wondered if and when I'd see Bella again after that, and the thought bothered me more than it should have.

To say I was excited to leave would have been a huge understatement. University and the Big Apple felt like a true escape, like the possibility for a new life. I didn't think I'd miss anything other than my parents here, but for some reason now I felt a little disappointed that I wouldn't have more time to get to know Bella.

"New York," she stated. If I didn't know better I would have thought she looked a little disappointed as well, but then why would she? "What school?"

"Julliard."

"Wow. Congratulations. That's pretty impressive. Piano?"

"Well, Bachelor of Music, but yes I'll be focusing on piano."

"That's like…I can't even imagine. You're very lucky. You're not nervous about being so far from home?"

"I don't think so. I'll miss my parents but I'm really looking forward to living there. Who knows what it will be like though?"

"Is Rosalie going to school in New York City?"

"No, she's going to ASU. She likes it here, and I think her father wants her to stay close to home."

I realized that she probably thought it was a little weird that I hadn't mentioned Rosalie at all, or at the very least included her in the list of people I'd miss. At the risk of looking like a total jerk I figured if there was any possibility that she felt the same way about me as I did about her, I kind of wanted her to understand that things weren't as serious with Rose as they may have seemed.

"A lot of stuff will change with college and whatnot. I mean, we want different things," I explained, being purposely a little vague so that I could gauge her reaction.

She simply nodded and tossed the magazine aside. "College usually changes things."

We were silent for a few minutes—both of us lost in thought.

Bella finally spoke up. "What is this song?"

"It's a band called Jets to Brazil. The song is 'Sweet Avenue.' It's one of my favorites."

"I really like it."

"It's poetry," I said, not meaning to sound quite so gay.

"I like a lot of the music you listen to, from what I've heard anyway," she said pulling her book bag off the floor and onto her lap. "My friends don't really have the best taste in music."

"Do you have your iPod? I could make a playlist for you or something."

She smiled and nodded enthusiastically. "That would be awesome! Here, take it!" She pulled the iPod from the front pocket of her bag and handed it to me.

"Okay, I'll give it back tomorrow, all right? I guess we should get started."

We worked on our plan for a little over an hour. When we had finished as much as we could I offered to give her a ride home.

"Um, don't worry about it. I'll ask Jasper to pick me up."

I was tempted to ask her exactly what was going on with Jasper. Neither of them ever admitted to dating, nor did they refer to one another as boyfriend/girlfriend and yet they always seemed to be around each other and he always seem to be picking her up or driving her somewhere. _What was he exactly? Chauffeur with benefits? _I decided to keep my mouth shut. Jasper bashing rarely garnered a favorable reaction.

"Do you drive?" I asked instead.

"Yeah, but my mode of transportation is a total clunker. An old Chevy truck that Charlie—my dad—bought me. I can't get rid of it, though...sentimental value. So, normally I ride with Alice to school and wherever else I need to go and only lug that thing out of the garage when I'm desperate."

"Well, if you just want to go home, I really don't mind driving you," I offered again.

_Please, just go home and take a day off from the hillbilly manslut._

"It's all right, really. Jasper had asked if I wanted to do something today anyway." She was already texting away. After she finished her text she looked up. "Maybe while we're waiting you could show me your house?"

I nodded and opened the bedroom door, gesturing for her to exit first. "My mom should probably do this. She decorated it and has a back story on pretty much everything in this house. On second thought, I guess the abbreviated tour would be better."

"It's so nicely done. I can't believe it wasn't done by a professional!"

"Well, technically it was. She was an interior designer, until a few years ago when things got so busy with my father's work that she decided to scale back her own business in order to help him. She just started to get tired and a little creatively sapped. I think she might have gotten her mojo back, though, because she's been doing all sorts of stuff to the house and talking about working with a few of her friends to help them with some design stuff."

"Your family is kind of amazing. I mean, your dad's a surgeon, your mom's like this amazingly creative designer, and you've got the musical talent...it seems almost _unfair_." She hesitated at the last word, offering an apologetic look.

"I don't know what to say. It's all I've ever known. I mean I think most people have unique redeeming qualities. What do your parents do?"

"Renee is a masseuse and my step-father, Phil, is a minor league baseball player. Charlie lives in Oregon and he's a police chief in a smaller-than-small town. We are so average it's not even funny."

"I don't know, all of those professions sound pretty interesting actually," I said honestly.

"Heh. Well, not like your parents. Or I mean, look at Jasper. His dad is like, a famous preacher, and his mom is a beauty queen. I mean... wow. Can you imagine if you and Rosalie got married? You'd probably be the most interesting super-family ever."

I nearly shuddered at the thought. "Don't even joke about that."

She flashed me a sympathetic smile and we headed into my parents master bedroom. "Ho-ly cow! This room is incredible. I could live in just this room. I could live in just the closet."

I took her through their room and bathroom, both of which were probably quadruple the size of what two people required, and then brought her back down the hall to Emmett's room.

I only showed her his room because it had a great view of the backyard. His entire back wall was plastered with his infamous Abercrombie ad, and the rest of the room was just as embarrassingly All-American.

"I have a feeling Emmett and Phil would get along. We should introduce them." Bella laughed, surveying the room.

She _oohed _and _ahhed _over the backyard view for a little while before we left Emmett's room and headed downstairs.

"I can't get over it. A pool with a waterfall and a built-in hot tub. And a freaking bar. Wow," she gushed as we came into the living room.

I took her though the main floor and then down to the basement where we had an entertainment center, game room, and another guest room. I had to admit I was kind of enjoying showing off our house, only because she had the most adorable kid-in-a-candy-shop face.

I took her out to the back yard where she flipped over the pool all over again. I told her she could come swim in it any time she wanted, and not just because I _really_ wanted to see her in a bathing suit.

We walked around the side of the house and came to the front yard just as Jasper was pulling into the driveway. My heart sank when I saw Rosalie in the front seat. When I told her that I was doing homework with Bella she had said she was going to go shopping with her friends. It was supposed to be my one free day.

They both got out of the car and Bella turned to me. "Well, thanks so much for having me over. You have an awesome house. And don't forget my iPod, okay?"

I nodded and waved. "All right, see you tomorrow."

Rose crossed the lawn as Bella headed to Jasper's car. She offered Bella little more than a weak smile as she passed. I tried to keep myself from rolling my eyes. She did nothing but confirm the things that Bella said about her that day on the soccer field. Granted, Rosalie probably had a good reason to dislike her now, but she didn't know that, and she had never given Bella a chance.

"Hi! Victoria cancelled shopping because she was having a fat day. When Jasper said he was picking what's-her-name up here, I figured I'd come by!" she said happily, as if she had made my day.

"Rose, you know her name."

"I know, I know, I just couldn't be bothered. Is your mom home? Let's go in the hot tub," she said with a wink.

We both turned and walked towards the house. I didn't look back as I was uninterested in witnessing the sloppy "OMG we haven't seen each other in a whole day" make-out Bella and Jasper were about to partake in.

"She's home. Sorry," I said. I wasn't totally opposed to the idea. Spending a whole afternoon with Bella made it a hell of a lot easier to get through an evening with Rosalie, shameful as it was to admit.

"Damn, okay, well let's just go to your room. Hey check this out. So I flat out asked Jasper in the car when he was going to bail on this girl, because let's face it, she's been around for a bizarrely long time. He got all weird and pissy and so I kind of made a joke like 'what you haven't got laid yet?' And I swear, she's not putting out. I laughed in his face, and he couldn't even really deny it. So I don't even know what that means. Like are they going out? Because Jasper doesn't really do that, so I don't even know…it's all so weird. I've got to say, though, he could do better."

"Do better? Rosalie, you don't even know the girl." I was ten seconds from kicking her out.

"I know, but...you know what I mean. She's so ...whatever."

I pinched the bridge of my nose. "Listen, she's a nice girl. We're kind of friends now, so just stop bitching about her to me because I really don't want to hear it."

She opened her mouth to protest but then her expression went from bitchy to scared. She closed her mouth and made her pouty face that stopped working on me a year ago.

"I'm sorry, okay? Let's just not talk about it anymore. But what do you mean you're friends with her? Where did that come from?"

"I'm not doing this, Rosalie. If you wanna spend the evening being jealous and bitchy you can do it at your house." I realized that my response was probably a little extreme and a little random, and for a moment I almost felt bad.

"Speaking of bitchy…fine, let's just talk about something else."

"I'm kind of tired. I'm gonna take a nap, okay?" I said as we reached my bedroom door.

We walked in my room and the moment I closed the door behind us, Rosalie burst into tears.

"Edward you can't leave me, okay? I'm sorry I said that stuff about that…about your friend. It's just that Jasper's always out with her or she's over at our house and they're like off by themselves and you're like hardly ever around and I just get frustrated."

The sobs increased in intensity until she was choking and gasping. I had that sinking feeling again, and I reached out for her. What could I say? How could I stand here now and tell her that my heart wasn't in it anymore? And if I didn't tell her now, how could I later, after making yet another promise? She collapsed against my chest and my shirt was soaked in a matter of moments. It was the most exaggerated reaction, and yet it wasn't uncommon. Every so often she would break out in a crying fit—mostly after a fight but sometimes for no reason, and sometimes even after sex, which was really fucking weird and uncomfortable. Those fits were probably the reason we were still together after all this time, because I just didn't know how to walk away from her when she lost it like that, and she had a damn sixth sense for knowing when I was close.

"Relax, I'm not going anywhere." I felt her nod. The words left my lips more reluctantly than they ever had before. I thought of Bella the moment I spoke them.

I thought about the fact that perhaps she and Jasper hadn't slept together. I felt momentarily relieved because the idea alone incited so much anger in me; however, that relief was almost immediately replaced with apprehension. If they hadn't and he was still hanging around, well that likely meant something worse. It meant that maybe the impossible _wasn't _any longer. I closed my eyes and tried to steady my breathing. The thought of Jasper using her for sex made me want to kill him. But the thought of him actually having feelings for her made me want to kill him twice.

I felt Rosalie pull her face from my chest and it broke me from my thoughts. "Maybe we should just take a nap. I feel so tired."

I nodded. "Yeah let's just relax for a bit. I'll take you home later, when you're ready."

The last image in my mind before I fell asleep was of Bella and Jasper in the living room at his house, the day she met the Reverend. I could see the look on her face so vividly and it was as if…as if she was hanging on his every word. That shit bothered me then, but after what I heard from Rose, I felt like there was something _more _there; something I needed to stop, before it was too late.


	10. Job 14:4

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyers owns all. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**You can all thank Legna989, once again, for Laurent's kickass Frenglish. **

**And you can thank Ooohlalaaa for the chappie title/quote—she kicks ass and comes through with gold when I'm too lazy to do shit.

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**

_"Who can bring what is pure from the impure? No one!"_

_**Job 14:4

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**_

_**Jasper Hale**_

"So, if you're not...I mean...so what are you doing...to handle...you know?" Peter asked, taking a swig of his beer.

He and I were at some Mexican dive near his apartment drinking beers. I told myself that I invited him out to catch up, but really I wanted to talk to a normal person and get a normal perspective on things. Usually James was my go-to guy for beers, but the longer I went without getting laid the less I could stand him. I didn't normally do this male bonding and talking about feelings shit, so instead I just invited Peter out under the guise of catching up and then did some backhanded manipulation of the conversation until we landed on what I really wanted to talk about. Of course, since Peter was such a sweet and sensitive bastard, that took about 30 seconds after sitting down.

I just shrugged and made the international sign for wanking.

"It's like I don't even know you anymore, man," Peter said, laughing. "I mean, it's great, but it's weird."

"It's great? How is the fact that I'm not getting laid great?"

"No, I mean that you've sort of committed yourself..."

I cut him off, "Ugh, don't put it like that. Please. I think I'm going to be sick." I finished the last half of my beer in one gulp and flagged the bartender for another.

"Jasper, it's not the worst thing. You need to stop acting like...James."

"I'm not acting like James. James doesn't commit because no girl would ever give him the opportunity. I just don't ever want you to use that word in reference to me and a girl again." A girl in white short-shorts walked past and I stared at her ass until it disappeared into the restroom. She was all snaggle-toothed and trashy but it didn't take much to distract me these days. "It's not like I've ruled out the idea of hooking up with someone else. It's just…it never seems to work."

"Hmm…so, you haven't slept with anyone since you've been with her, you hang out with her all the time, and you're developing some semblance of a conscience. What would you call that?"

"She's a teenager, Pete. I don't date teenagers."

"But teenagers are the ones you always go for."

"Exactly."

"Well, then why don't you have sex with her and get it over with?"

"Like I said, she's all scared and not ready or something. She is way more inexperienced than I expected."

"Well, help her along."

I laughed and grabbed the new beer before the bartender could even deposit it on the coaster. "I'm not a fucking date rapist dude."

"You know that's not what I meant. I don't even know why I am trying to help you here. You're actually bitching about some high school kid not putting out. Like, no shit, Jasper, what do you expect?"

"Well, I've never had this problem before," I said, wishing I had picked Felix instead. No, he'd probably relate everything to mergers and acquisitions and just confuse the shit out of me.

"Clearly your slutdar needs to be recalibrated then. Or maybe you just need to be honest with yourself and admit that you like this chick and you don't want to screw around on her. And deep down you probably even like that she's not giving it up. I mean, if I didn't know better, I'd say you almost respect her."

I snorted. "All right, Freud. Anything else I should know about? Do all my commitment issues stem from Mommy not loving me enough?"

"Shit, are you kidding? Mommy loved you too damn much and spoiled your ass, which is why you're a self-centered prick now."

"Okay, why did I want to come out with you?"

"Because if you went out with James you know he'd probably either tell you to roofie her drink or threaten to do one of her friends to make her jealous—or some other equally sage piece of advice."

"True. Still, I don't fucking appreciate the psychoanalysis."

"Whatever, that's my two cents; you don't have to take it. Personally, I hope she holds out longer. I'm really enjoying your crippling sexual frustration."

"Yeah, unfortunately I don't have as much practice at not fucking as you do."

"Touché. So what are you doing tonight, cuddling with your girlfriend and watching 'The Notebook'?"

"Yeah, want to join us or will you be busy hanging out with your cat and repressing your homosexuality?"

"Nah, I'm free, I'll come over. Maybe I can warm your girl up for you, since you're having a bit of performance anxiety."

"By all means, should I dress her like a boy to make it easier?" He scowled and I gulped down another quarter of a bottle. "I can go all night you know."

"Your chick would beg to differ."

"All-the-fuck-right, dude, quit it. I'm all fucking vulnerable and shit right now, stop kicking me while I'm down."

"Sorry. Listen, if you need to get laid and you really don't care about the commitment thing, then why don't you just go have sex with someone else?"

"I.." I started and then hesitated for a moment, trying to collect my thoughts. "I don't know. I guess 'cause her vag is like the Holy Grail now or something, and so like, all the other vaginas are just fucking run of the mill. I feel like all my energy needs to be put into that sole pursuit."

He nodded slowly, his face serious. "It's like she's Excalibur but instead of taking it out, you wanna put your sword _in_ that shit."

"Exactly, man. Exactly."

"All right, so then figure out why she's hesitating and then address that shit. There's gotta be a reason. And if it's just nerves or morals or something, well then you have to decide if she's worth waiting for."

I nodded. For some reason, that sentence incited a weird, almost involuntary reaction in me. It was as if I couldn't even ponder that question because I'd hate myself too much if the answer was no. Something between the two of us had changed since the day Bella met my father. I didn't like to think too much about it, but I couldn't deny it either. When she stood there saying all that stuff to the Rev about me being nice and shit, I just thought _who are you? Where did you come from? _That girl just took me by surprise all the damn time.

"There's a party tonight, dude, maybe that will take your mind off shit. It's at Laurent's place, but you know it's better than nothing."

I nodded. I felt like a little break from Bella was a good idea. I needed to clear my head a bit and it always just got all fogged up when she was around.

"Yeah, I'll go. I'll come by later tonight to ride with you okay?" We stayed for a couple more beers and shot the shit.

Around five we paid the bill and parted ways. We planned to meet again around ten thirty or so that night.

I headed down the street towards the city center to get a cab when I noticed a group of girls in my favorite little green uniform.

I saw a familiar head of spiky black hair and as I approached the group, I saw Bella squatting on the sidewalk behind her friend, Tits, whose name I had forgotten yet again, rifling through her backpack.

Alice saw me first and rolled her eyes, calling out to the group, "Uh oh girls, I hope you're all ready to watch a serious game of tonsil hockey."

Bella looked up, squinted, and then smiled when she saw me. "Shut up, Alice. Hi, Jasper!"

I waved and just as I was about to pass Alice I grabbed her head and pulled her into a headlock, rubbing my knuckles into her hair. She squealed and squirmed from my grip.

"You need to get new friends," I said to Bella as I released Alice.

Bella stood up. She was wearing her uniform, this time a polo shirt with the sleeves rolled up over her shoulders, and the cute skirt and knee socks. That shit killed me every time. Her hair was pulled off her face with a thin white headband and she had a bottle of sun block in her hands.

"Yeah, maybe you should pick up a winner like James," Alice suggested.

Bella looked at her and smirked, "Yeah, we know how much you hate James."

All five girls exchanged a glance and a giggle. I recognized Tits and Glasses but there was a new blonde there as well. She was pretty hot, but I could tell she was a bitch from a mile away. She reminded me too much of a certain family member.

I turned to Alice, smiling. "It's too bad you don't like James. He always has such nice things to say about you."

Alice blushed hard and shook her head. "Whatever, it's been like thirty seconds; you guys must be dying to make out."

I turned back to Bella. She laughed at Alice and then winked at me. She was never really trying, but sometimes she was such a fucking vixen. I moved closer to her and grabbed the sun block from her hand. I tossed it onto the large cement planter behind her and laced my fingers into hers.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey."

I leaned in to kiss her and got about five seconds of tongue action before she pulled away, no doubt embarrassed by the audience of bitchy teenage girls—just another fucking hazard of the job.

"What are you doing here anyway?" she asked.

"You always seemed so shocked to see me. You do realize we live in the same city, right?"

"It's a big city. It wasn't meant to be an interrogation, just wondering what you're up to. You smell like beer."

I kissed her nose. "I just had a couple beers with Peter." I reached behind her and picked up the sunblock. "And what are you up to?"

"We are going swimming at Jessica's house."

_Fuck, can I get an invite to that shit?_ A bunch of teenage girls in bikinis all splashing around and shit? Jesus, a nice image like that would seriously last me at least another sexless week. As she spoke I noticed the string of her bathing suit tied around her neck. I reached beneath the collar of her shirt and tugged on it.

"Sounds like fun. I have a pool you know." My fingers slid along the string to the back of her neck.

"Yeah, I know. You've never invited me to use it, though." Her breathing seemed to pick up just a little bit and all I could think about was _bikini, skin, wet._

"What's mine is yours," I mumbled, not even really sure what was coming out of my mouth anymore. Another week of this shit and I'd be legally retarded.

"Okay, well, I'm still going to Jessica's today. What are you doing later?"

Right, Jessica, that was Tits' name. It wouldn't have killed me to see her in a bathing suit either, but whatever.

"Party. At some French dickhead's place," I said, staring at the place where the string disappeared into her shirt and trying not to let my thoughts go to places that would make it difficult or embarrassing to get home.

"All right, have fun. Sounds like you're really looking forward to it," she said, smiling. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

I managed to drag my eyes back to hers. I moved closer. "Bright and early, Sunshine," I said, my lips nearly touching hers. I lingered there for a moment before kissing her again.

She hesitated a lot before breaking that kiss, and only did so when her friends started to laugh. She blushed and looked down at her bag.

"Sorry, forgot about the peanut gallery." I pulled her hair forward over her shoulder and kissed her forehead. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Right, bright and early. So should I expect your call around five or six?" She snickered, the bright color receding from her cheeks.

I moved my hands to her hips and squeezed, hard. "Now I see why you and the midget get along so well," I said, pressing my lips into her ear.

Instead of laughing, she shifted nervously and blushed again. Maybe I wasn't the only one getting uncomfortably turned on. The other girls were now awkwardly talking amongst themselves. I released Bella and backed away.

"Later," I said. I turned to her friends and waved, wiggling my fingers. "Byeeee, ladies!"

The maniacal giggling started up before I was even out of earshot. It was like music to my ears. With a smile on my face I flagged a cab and headed home for a pre-party nap.

Of course, sleep didn't come easily after that afternoon. Perhaps it was the beers making me all warm and fuzzy, but that brief conversation revved the shit out of my libido. Every time I closed my eyes I saw flashes of skin and bikini tops and hair and lips and flushed cheeks and suddenly they'd be open again and I'd have to catch my breath. I cursed myself for not offering to help her apply that sun block. She got me all flustered and messed up my game.

After however many minutes of trying to refocus, I gave in once again to my seemingly ever-present hard-on. That shit was getting ridiculous. As I unbuttoned my jeans, I relaxed my mind and let the many images of a bikini-clad Bella take over. In reality she was a tough fucking egg to crack, but in my mind I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. So today she was wearing those French-style bikini bottoms that tie at the sides, and I was going to bend her over the diving board.

I reveled in that imagery for a while, until the vision disappeared and I couldn't concentrate on anything other than my impending climax. After I finished I sighed and rolled out of bed, wondering when I'd get to come somewhere other than into a fucking Kleenex.

I took a shower and after that I finally felt relaxed enough to sleep. I didn't bother to get dressed again, instead just collapsing back into bed in my towel. I woke up at 9:00 to my phone buzzing on the nightstand. I grabbed it and squinted at the display. James.

"J," I said, rolling on to my back.

"_What's up? Are you picking me up for this party?"_

"Peter's gonna drive. I'm meeting him at his place so just meet us there."

"_All right, I'll bring the beers since it's your birthday and shit tomorrow."_

"Thanks, man. Not quite a stripper, but I'll take it."

"_Oh dude, we should totally get a birthday stripper...but I'm sort of broke, can you float me some cash?"_

"Lend you money to pay for my birthday stripper? Don't worry about it J, I'm good, I get enough eye-candy with no follow through as is."

"_True. Can I still borrow some dough, though?"_

I shook my head. "Later, J."

I rolled out of bed and spent a few minutes making myself pretty. I headed downstairs and much to my surprise, found Edward and Rosalie lounging in the family room.

"Big night, guys?" I asked.

Edward did not look up from his book. Rosalie rolled her eyes but asked, "Where are you going?"

"Party. Later, guys. Don't get too crazy here."

"We're going to Carmen's later. She's having a party too, assface."

"Sounds awesome. Catch ya later." I turned to leave and then had a thought and turned back. "So who's going to this party anyway?"

Edward looked up from the book. Yeah, that got his attention. The little fucker was so fucking obvious I wanted to punch him in the face. I mean the fucking _nerve_.

Rosalie just sneered. "You mean like, is that Bella girl going? No. She doesn't _normally _get invited to those parties but I don't know…" she turned to Edward, "Did you invite her?"

Edward glared at her. "No, Rose, I didn't fucking invite her."

Rosalie turned back to me. "They are best friends now."

Edward's eyes rolled up to the ceiling. I turned to him. "Oh really, E? Best friends? That was quick—a couple weeks ago you barely knew who she was, if I'm not mistaken."

"Rosalie is grossly exaggerating. We are lab partners for a Bio project."

"Hmm," I said, "partners…what a coincidence."

Edward and I just stared at each other for a moment. Rosalie went back to inspecting the ends of her hair. "Anyway, before you go, can you buy us some beer?" she asked.

I looked away from Edward and back at her. "Yeah, all right, but you know the drill, leave me out of it if you assholes get caught."

I hopped in my car and cued up the Stevie Ray Vaughan. I stopped at the liquor store and got some beer for Rosalie and Broody-boy and then stopped at a convenience store for tobacco and rolling papers. When I got home I deposited the beer in the deep freezer in the garage and honked twice, signaling Rosalie to go get it.

Twenty minutes later, I was at Peter's. The three of us headed over to the party in his car and I thanked my lucky stars regularly for my one or two responsible friends who managed to keep my ass alive. I could already feel that it was going to be one of those mass consumption-type nights.

Laurent was in our faces from the moment he opened the door.

"Peetair, Zhames, Zhaspair, mes frères, so good to see you! Where ees Feeleex? I 'ave hees birthday presahnt steel."

I rolled my eyes and headed to the fridge to deposit the beer. Clearly while I was gone, one of those fuckers spilled the damn beans and Laurent came bursting into the kitchen all fucking fake-jolly and French.

"Zhaspair! Eet's your birthday! 'appy Birthday, mon homme! We need to 'ave a shot."

I looked up at the ceiling and back at him. "All right, Laurent. Thanks, it's tomorrow, but all right. I need more than one, though."

"I 'ave some spesseeal tequila. Take your beer, allons-y."

I followed him into the dining room area and he ducked into the liquor cabinet and reemerged with a bottle of Don Julio Silver. We sat at the table and commenced downing shots of it.

"A votre santé! Bonne Anniversaire!" he said merrily, raising his glass. I had no clue what that shit meant but I drank to it anyway.

Before I realized it, the bottle was empty, we were laughing our asses off and I fucking loved that French bastard. When I finished my beer, it occurred to me that my judgment was impaired so I got up from the table and left Peter with a plastered Laurent, who was talking about baguettes and brioches or some other type of French shit.

I wanted to hang out with James, whom I could probably tolerate now that I was drunk, but he was slobbering all over some chick on the couch. I mingled for a bit but I couldn't think straight and everyone was boring so I locked myself in a bedroom and tried to sober up a bit.

A few minutes or hours later, I pulled my phone from my pocket and called Bella. After a couple rings she picked up.

"_Do you know what time it is_?"

I think I grunted.

"_Jasper, it's twelve-thirty. What's up?_"

"You made it sound like it was late. It's only twelve-thirty. It's not late."

"_Well, it is, kind of. I mean, for an unsolicited phone call."_

"It's Friday."

"_I know."_

"Come over."

"_Where? To your house?"_

"Some other guy's house. This party. Come over."

"_Jasper, I can't. I can't go out now."_

"Come on. Come over. Just sneak out."

"_I'm at Alice's right now, I'm sleeping over here." _

"Alice can give you a ride. She can come. Tell her James wants to see her."

She was silent for a few moments.

_"Hold on,"_ she finally said.

I heard some muffled talking and a minute later she spoke again, _"Give me the address."_

I smiled and gave her directions.

I think I fell asleep for a bit after I hung up the phone. I woke up to Laurent shaking me.

"'ay, Zhaspair, your girlfriend ees 'ere. Wake up!"

I slapped his hand away. "Get out of here, I'm up."

I turned my head to Bella and flashed her my "I know I'm drunk but I'm also cute" smile. She was wearing a short denim skirt and a faded Ford Mustang t-shirt. She had to know what that did to me. Laurent and Bella exchanged exasperated looks and when he left the room, I grabbed her arm and yanked her onto the bed. She crawled over me and lay down.

"You have to wear that shirt all the time. Except when you're naked."

"You reek."

"I missed you, too."

"You smell like a Mexican whorehouse."

"You've been to a Mexican whorehouse?"

"Jasper."

I rolled over and pushed her on her back and just fucking dove in. She squirmed a little at first but after a second her hand was in my hair, the other on my chest. I pushed my hands beneath her shirt and her bra and settled in to the only base I had managed to steal so far. I knew it well, but everything felt different tonight. Her kisses were desperate and when I replaced my fingers with my mouth, she moaned and arched her back and writhed beneath me. Normally, I clocked in at about three minutes of having my mouth on her tits before she tweaked, but tonight I broke the shit out of that record.

_This could be it_, I thought. _This could fucking be it_.

Of course when I moved my hand down her stomach she grabbed it and pushed my head away.

"Wait," came her breathless whisper.

I came very close to crying. And then I felt really fucking angry. I rolled onto my back and sighed heavily, staring at the ceiling.

After a minute she rolled into me, throwing her arm over my chest. She snuggled close and pulled my earlobe between her teeth. I fucking loved when she did that shit, but not tonight. I jerked my head away.

"Bella, enough. Let's just go to sleep."

"What?" she asked, her voice betraying her—I could tell my reaction did not come as a surprise.

"I can't do this start and stop shit. I can't, I'm going fucking crazy. Let's go to sleep." I wanted to hide my frustration but it was getting impossible.

She sat up on her elbow. "You're drunk and you're being an asshole."

I turned to face her. "No, Bella, I'm a guy and I'm fucking horny as hell and that is making me an asshole." She looked away and I started to feel bad. "I'm sorry, I don't want to be like this with you. I'm just not used to it. I'm fucking going crazy."

"I'm sorry, Jasper… I am… It's not that I don't want to, it's just…I don't know."

"You don't know or you won't tell me? I wish you would help me…like, help me help you. I don't know what to do and I don't want to pressure you but…" All the frustration was sobering me up and making me feel even more annoyed.

"It's not…I'm not scared. Okay, well I am a bit, but probably not for the reasons you think."

She lay back down on the bed, and I raised myself and leaned over her.

"So why don't you tell me? I can't do anything about anything if you don't tell me what's up."

"Well, apart from the obvious that you've done so much more than me and my inexperience is going to be horribly embarrassing…I just…I know that we're not exclusive, and honestly I'm fine with that, but, I mean, going any further…I just feel weird about it knowing that there are other girls. I know that's lame and it makes no sense but I just can't help but think about it every time…"

I stared at her for a moment and then rolled over onto my back again. "You know, I haven't even been with anyone else since I met you." I felt kind of lame admitting that, but I figured if it was the truth, I should get credit for that shit.

She turned her head to look at me. "Really?"

"Yeah. I mean, it wasn't some big conscious effort, but it's not like I didn't have the opportunity, either."

"So then why? I mean why haven't you?" she asked after a moment.

I shrugged. "Just…it felt a bit off. I don't know, I don't really have a good reason and I don't want you to think it's 'cause I was being all faithful or whatever. It just never happened."

We were both silent for a while, and finally she nestled herself against me, resting her head on my chest.

"Thanks. Or whatever. I'm sorry I doubted you. It's not because of what people say even, or at least not totally. It's just 'cause we never really defined anything, so I just kind of figured you'd be with other girls."

I wasn't sure if she was baiting me, or trying to get some kind of commitment from me, but I felt like I needed to choose my words carefully. "It's all right—it's not as if it was the most far-fetched concern."

She laughed a little bit and then I felt her hand slide under my t-shirt. She ran her fingers along my abdomen and I closed my eyes. I tried to let the movements of her fingers relax me, but of course that never worked, and as they glided just below the waistband of my jeans, my eyes snapped open. I just couldn't bear the torment tonight.

"Bella." I tilted my head down and she looked up at me, her expression all innocent and expectant. "Not now, okay? I'm sorry, that feels awesome but I can't...I'm probably going to have a nervous breakdown or something, so I think maybe we should just sleep."

Outside I could hear the muffled sounds of Laurent and some chick singing "Islands in the Stream" and I was actually thankful, because it really helped stave off my impending sexual meltdown.

That is, until—instead of honoring my request—Bella's fingers moved beneath the waistband of my Calvins and began to frolic in my secret garden.

I was about to protest, or beg for mercy, or cry like a baby, when her hand moved lower still, until I felt it move right over my cock.

I brought one hand to my face and arched my head back. "Fuck..." I groaned. How could her hand feel ten thousand times better than my own?

I think I heard the chorus of "Ode to Joy" when she unbuttoned my jeans and pulled my junk out. I didn't even know what she was doing, it was all random grabbing and squeezing and touching but I didn't fucking care, because I was pretty much already about to come. She could have just looked at it for a few minutes and that would have done the trick. The best part of being with a virgin was hands down the fact that she had no idea just how pathetically fast I was going to come. But still I wanted to see where exactly she was taking this so I tried to refocus and let a string of gross thoughts (rotting garbage, FIAT cars, any music by John Mayer, Laurent in a thong, our maid in a negligee) hold the O-monster at bay for a little longer.

I rolled over and nudged her on her back. Her hand reclaimed its place right away. I groaned and even though I felt a little dizzy, I managed to get my shirt and her shirt and bra off before ravaging her mouth. After a couple minutes of basking in the glorious feeling of someone else touching my shit, I realized she had no clue what she was doing. She was pretty much just holding my dick, which was fine; she could hold it all night if she wanted to, I just kind of hoped she'd move it up and down from time to time.

"Can you show me what to do? I'm sorry, I don't really...I'm not sure..." she stammered, looking all cute and sheepish.

I nodded and moved my fingers over hers. "I should be a good teacher; I've had a lot of practice recently."

She laughed. "Sorry."

I moved her hand up my shaft a few times before removing it and showing her myself. "It's all in the wrist," I explained, immediately feeling the absence of her touch.

"It's kind of hot watching you do that," she said leaning back.

"Don't fuck with me," I said, "Get back here."

She moved closer again and replaced my hand with hers.

"It'll be a little difficult without any lube or anything, just, you know, be gentle, but not too gentle."

"Wait a sec." She crawled over me and hopped off the bed. I was getting nervous and was tempted to just tie her down. If she had any second thoughts, I would sure as shit have a fucking stroke. She crouched over her purse and returned with a small tube of Vaseline Moisture Therapy. "Will this help?"

I breathed a heavy sigh of relief. "Yeah, sure, just don't go all crazy with that stuff."

She rubbed some of the lotion between her hands and went to town on my dick. My eyes rolled back in my head and I was briefly transported to a fucking alternate dimension of awesome. She was a quick learner. After a couple minutes of wallowing in pure bliss, I slowly came to my senses and moved my hand down her back to her ass. I pulled her denim skirt up, slipped my hand beneath her panties and squeezed her ass a few times before sliding it lower. She flinched and I halted my movements.

"One thing at a time, okay?" she whispered.

The hand job would be a bit more fun if I was knuckles deep in her lady parts, but I was so fucking elated that I was more than happy to just stare at her boobs while she wanked me.

"Yeah, sorry," I mumbled before kissing her.

"It's okay, I just need to concentrate," she said, continuing the kiss as soon as she finished speaking.

Just the thought of her concentrating on my cock made my balls tighten. I held on for as long as I could, partly due to my pride, but mostly because of the high possibility that this was all some fucked up dream that may never repeat itself. If I woke up with my dick in my hand, I'd probably need to punch someone in the face.

Bella's gentle squeezing told me this probably wasn't a dream and her last few strokes were so right on that I had to pull my lips from hers to groan out a warning. "I'm gonna come any second."

"Where?" she asked.

"Right here," I breathed, grabbing her hand and angling myself just before blowing my load on _someone's _grey bedspread.

Bella allowed me a few minutes to catch my breath before asking, "Whose room is this?"

"No idea."

I looked around and noticed a little French flag pinned to the corkboard by the computer desk. I smiled to myself and grabbed a box of tissues off the nightstand and cleaned myself and the comforter up a bit.

"Hey, did you come here with Alice?"

She slapped her forehead. "Yes. Oh my God, I'm a terrible friend. I should go find her."

She sat up, but I grabbed her and pulled her back down on to me. "No."

"Jasper, she's out there with James and a bunch of people she doesn't know," she said, not really fighting my grip.

"She's probably having fun. Stay."

She straddled my waist and lowered her head onto my chest and I played with her hair.

"Was it any good?" she asked, her voice vibrating against my chest.

I pulled her hair to the side and ran my fingers down her smooth back. "The best," I reassured her.

I wanted to believe that in my previous state anyone would have been the best, but I knew that wasn't true. As retarded and confusing as it was, it was better because it was _her_. I shook my head, disappointed by the increasing frequency of those kinds of thoughts.

We lay there for a while just talking and touching and kissing. At some point, there came a soft knock at the door and Bella shot up, scanning the bed for her clothes. She quickly grabbed my t-shirt and threw it on. A second later Alice came in, dragging James behind her.

"He's too drunk," she said. "He needs to go home or go to sleep. He needs to stop trying to sing Def Leppard."

James shook his hand out of Alice's grip and held it to his face like a microphone. He pointed at Bella and stumbled over to the bed.

"I'm hot, sticky and sweet, from my head to my feet, yeahhhhh." He made some guitar noises and did a bit of air guitaring before collapsing onto the end of the bed. Alice climbed onto the other side next to Bella and squinted at her.

"You're wearing a different shirt," she said. She turned to me, "and you're not wearing one at all."

Bella opened her mouth but I spoke first. "Which begs the question, what the hell are you guys doing in here?"

Alice frowned. "I'm tired of babysitting."

"Is that what you were doing?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

Alice scowled and Bella slapped my arm. "Ignore him. I'm sorry, Al, I lost track of time. I thought you were probably having fun."

"I was 'til this guy got too sloppy to stand on his own," she said gesturing with a thumb to James, who was dangerously close to rolling off the bed.

"Aw, you've been taking care of him," Bella teased.

Alice blushed and shook her head. "Someone had to, since his best friend was in here doing God knows what to you."

"I wasn't doing shit. It's what she was doing t-"

Bella clapped her hand over my mouth. I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her down with me. Alice just stuck her finger in her throat, as she was apt to do in our presence. We all made fun of each other for a bit more until the conversation faded and we were lulled to sleep by the gentle sounds of James' snoring.

Just before I nodded off, I grabbed Bella's chin and turned her face up to mine. Her eyes fluttered a bit but never really opened. I wanted to thank her or tell her how pretty she looked tonight, or apologize to her for how drunk I was, but she was sleeping and she looked all peaceful and beautiful, so instead I just kissed her nose and her forehead and then let my head fall back onto the pillow.

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**Okay—as usual I suck at review replies but I promise I like shit my pants over all of them. Srsly. (Okay, not seriously, but you know). **


	11. Peter 1:14

**Disclaimer: Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight **

**My beta (Legna989) is better than your beta. Well, except for yours, ElleCC. **

**HattieB99 hooked it up with this chapter's Bible quote. I'm getting lazy folks. Here it is in all it's biblical glory: "As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires of this world." True that, God, true that.

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_"As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires of this world."_

_**Peter 1:14

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_**Bella Swan**_

I woke up to find James's face several inches from mine, mouth hanging open and head hogging a large portion of my pillow. Someone's pillow. I propped myself up on my elbow and scanned the room. Jasper was sleeping next to me on his stomach, still in all his shirtless glory; Alice was on the other side of James, her polka-dot-socked feet at his head and his signature straw fedora next to her head. The French guy, Laurent, was on the floor, sleeping atop what looked like couch cushions. I felt guilty that we commandeered his room for basically the entire night and now he had to sleep on the floor.

My eyes traveled back to Jasper. I smiled as I recalled the events of last night. I was still sort of proud of myself for letting things progress a bit further, a decision that I had actually made—more or less—the day I met his father. Something was always stopping me from letting things go further between us and I finally managed to put my finger on it. I felt weird about his past, about his level of experience and mostly about doing stuff with him with the knowledge that he was possibly doing that same stuff with other girls as well. I didn't want to be so uptight about things, and I didn't want to ask him to be exclusive, but at the same time I just couldn't seem to _let go_. Then the day I met the Reverend something changed. It wasn't anything obvious, and more than likely it was mostly my imagination, but after the brief conversation with his dad, we were talking in another room and suddenly he grabbed my face and kissed me, and he didn't say much but the look in his face just…it was like it filled up my heart.

He said, "_You're crazy special, you know that?"_ and I'm sure to him it was just some innocuous little declaration—he was always saying that kind of stuff—but for some reason it made me all warm and melty inside. I decided then that I didn't care what people said about Jasper, or how big a mistake this all was, or even about my own reservations—right then I was willing to give him whatever he wanted.

But then when we were finally alone again, I still kept freezing up and I realized that I couldn't shake the feeling that I didn't want to put myself out there with him, my first time for basically everything, if he was still with other girls. I didn't want to just blend in with the rest of them. I didn't want sloppy seconds or thirds or fourths and therefore, I couldn't let myself do what even _I_ technically wanted to do.

And then there was Edward. I couldn't let go of my feelings for him no matter how hard I tried, and the fact that we were actually friends in some capacity made it even more wrong for some reason. Perhaps it was easy for Jasper, but I found it incredibly difficult to have feelings for more than one person, and I couldn't shake the guilt of enjoying a make-out session with Jasper after spending the afternoon with Edward _imagining _making out with him. But I couldn't stop because damn it, I had been hopelessly devoted to lusting after him for over three years and I couldn't just turn it off. I really, _really _tried, but sitting at his house listening to him talk about school and music…well, I considered the whole day a success merely due to the fact that I didn't suffer cardiac arrest.

So in a way, I felt I wasn't being fair to Jasper, being bothered by the thought of him being with other girls, when there I was, not letting go of this _thing _I had for Edward, which in some ways only grew with our newfound friendship. So, like it or not I was stuck until last night, when he told me that he hadn't been with anyone else since we met. And on top of that that it was a semi-conscious decision, though he denied it up and down. I knew Jasper enough to know that was a lot for him, and maybe I was reading too much into it, but for some reason I stopped caring. I was waiting for everything to feel right, and at that moment, it did. Jasper was there, and Edward was not. Jasper wanted me, and Edward didn't.

But I still didn't want to start at the end, so to speak. I knew that I'd been torturing Jasper for a while, and I figured that just helping him along would be enough for one night. There was a lot that I hadn't done—pretty much everything, to be honest—and I really didn't want to do it all in one night. Jasper didn't push me, and it was really hot, and I only hoped that I could let go of the last shreds of nervousness and reservation because I really honestly wanted to do more. I knew my friends would probably not approve of the attitude I was taking towards Jasper, but I felt like no one really knew him. I've always been inclined to trust my judgment, and I truly believed that beneath all his bullshit, there was something _more_.

I ran my fingers along Jasper's shoulder blades before laying my head on his back. A few minutes later he stirred, grunted, and then turned over beneath me until my head was on his chest. I felt his arm slide across my back, his hand coming to rest on my waist. I shimmied up his side until my head was resting on his shoulder, my face pressed into his neck.

"Did I miss an orgy? How much did I drink?" he asked, before kissing the top of my head.

I laughed. "Poor Laurent is sleeping on the floor, and it's his bed. Speaking of which, I feel kinda bad…"

"Don't. Trust me, this is Laurent we are talking about."

"Shhh."

"C'mere," Jasper said, nudging my chin up. We kissed for a couple minutes, until he rolled on top of me and pushed his hand beneath my shirt. I pulled it back out and gently pushed him off me.

"I'm not much of an exhibitionist. And I should probably go home now. Renee and Phil will be expecting me back before they head out for his game."

"I believe we had plans to hang out today, Ms. Swan," he said, pulling on my hair.

"Technically you got your hang-out a day early, but all right. I just want to go home and shower and get changed and stuff. Then we'll do something."

Alice's head suddenly popped up from behind James' legs, her hair adorably disheveled.

"Yes…need to go now…need my bed," she groaned, sitting up and rubbing her eyes.

"Hey, if Peter left can you give James and me a ride to his place? We rode here with him," Jasper requested.

"You have one minute to assemble yourselves," Alice declared. She smacked James in the stomach before crawling off the bed.

James rolled over and buried his face in the pillow. Jasper reached over me and shook his shoulder.

"J, if you want a ride you need to get up."

"I'll sleep here," he mumbled, raising an arm and waving Jasper off.

"All right, you can sleep here with Laurent," he said, getting off the bed.

James abruptly sat up. "Let's go. Hey, happy birthday! We should go get birthday donuts or something."

I turned to Jasper. "Birthday? You didn't tell me it was your birthday!" I felt bad, even though I really had no way of knowing.

Jasper shrugged. "Guys don't really go around telling everyone it's their birthday. That's a chick thing."

"Well…happy birthday! Jeez, I don't even have a present for you."

He smiled and extended his hand to help me off the bed. "Don't make me say something cheesy like _you're the only present I need_."

"That was _not_ my intention, believe me," I said, laughing.

"I tell you what," he said, gripping the hem of my t-shirt, "how about you give me my shirt back for my birthday."

He pulled it gently and I pushed him and slapped his chest. He bent over behind the bed and when he reappeared he had my t-shirt and bra in his hand. He threw them at me.

James and Alice turned to each other and snickered. I turned purple and scowled at Jasper. "Never mind. Screw your birthday!"

He chuckled and threw his arm around my shoulder. "C'mon, I'll show you where the bathroom is."

I changed back into my clothes and returned Jasper's t-shirt to him when I came out of the bathroom. We went back into the front room and found James and Alice waiting for us by the door. She led the way when we arrived at the car, James and Jasper looked at each other, eyebrows raised.

"What is this?" James asked.

"It's a fucking Mini," Alice snarled.

"What color is this, exactly?" Jasper asked, wrinkling his nose.

"It's the color of awesome. Shut the fuck up, I'm sorry I don't drive the General Lee," Alice said opening her door. James walked to the front passenger side and Alice pointed her key at him. "You! In the back."

We swapped, and I got into the front seat. Jasper was frowning in the back seat. I reached back and grabbed his knee. "Okay, you know that was kinda funny."

"Whatever, just tell her to drive fast, I can already feel my balls shriveling."

"Just for that we're also listening to Lady Gaga the whole way," Alice said, cranking the music and giving Jasper the evil eye in the rearview mirror.

After a minute James shouted from the back seat, "Hey, Alice?"

"Yeah?" she responded.

"I've got a discostick for you…"

Jasper busted out laughing and I turned to scowl at James. I expected Alice to go on a tirade, but when I turned back to look at her she was merely smirking, suppressing a laugh.

We pulled up to Peter's apartment building and Jasper and James got out of the backseat. Jasper came around to my window and I rolled it down.

"Call me when you're ready and I'll come get you, okay? Wouldn't want you to have to drive that covered wagon of yours."

I swatted his chin. "Thanks, I'll see you later."

He kissed me quickly on the lips and stepped away from the car. James tapped on Alice's window and puckered up and she responded by reversing out of the lot. As we pulled away I watched them walk towards Pearl. Jasper casually reached behind James's head and knocked his hat off. James reached down to grab it and then kicked Jasper in the back of the knees. By the time we turned out of the complex, both of them were on the ground.

"So," Alice said, turning the music down.

"So," I responded.

"So, spill. I don't want to have to drag this shit out of you, Bella. Let's start with the part where you're wearing his t-shirt and go backwards."

"Ali, I'm so not doing this. We hooked up, okay, big deal. It's not as if it's a new thing."

"I know that, I'm just wondering the extent of the hook up."

"We didn't have sex, if that's what you're trying to get at."

"Oh come on, Bella, stop being such a prude. So you didn't have sex, what _did _you do?"

I folded my arms against my chest. "I gave him a hand job, okay?"

Alice squealed and let go of the steering wheel to clap her hands together. "Yessss. This is exciting, you should call Jess."

"No. No, we're not calling anyone. This really isn't a big deal."

"Um, you gave Jasper Hale a hand—"

I cut her off. "For the love of God, stop calling him Jasper Hale!"

"Whatever, so…I recall that during your espionage you discovered a very unsettling condom, right? Was all that worry for naught? Was that possibly just an old gag gift? Strategically placed to pique your curiosity?"

"Well, obviously we didn't need it, but…I think it was legit."

"_Yes!_ Amazing. Did you, like, cry when he whipped it out?"

I couldn't help but laugh. "No, it wasn't as bad as I thought."

"Just wait 'til you have to give him head," she said matter-of-factly.

"Shut up. I am not talking about this anymore."

"Jess is so much more fun, and you know she's gonna grill your ass at school on Monday."

"Because you are gonna call her and tell her everything?"

"Oh yeah, baby."

"Okay, well maybe I'll call her and talk to her about you and James following each other around all night."

A look of sheepish embarrassment overtook her expression for just a moment before she recovered and shrugged. "Go ahead. I wasn't wearing his t-shirt in the morning."

"Al, do you like him?"

"Why?"

"Well, he's like…worse than Jasper. I mean, in terms of reputation, and the way he acts."

"Bella Swan, are you _warning _me?"

I scrunched up my face. "Right. Sorry. Never mind."

We pulled into my driveway and I found myself impressed at how Alice managed to dodge my line of questioning. I needed to learn how to turn tables and talk in circles better.

I gave her a hug goodbye and stood waving on the driveway until she left. I headed straight for the kitchen when I got inside, where I dropped my bag on the floor and started picking at a bowl of fruit salad on the counter.

"Baby!" I heard my mother call from behind me, in the living room.

A moment later I felt her hand on my shoulder, before she planted a kiss on the back of my head. "Hey, Mom."

"How was your sleepover?"

"Good. I'm tired, though."

"Gossiping all night?" she asked, pulling a jug of chocolate milk from the fridge.

"More or less…" Omitting the truth wasn't much better than lying and I started to feel a little guilty. I hoped Renee wouldn't grill me too much on my evening.

"Well, try to take a nap or something today. I'll make you a nice big salad before we go, too."

"Thanks, Mom. I think I'm going to do something with Jasper later this afternoon."

Her jaw clenched and her lips pursed ever so slightly, but she didn't say anything. She just poured a glass of milk and slid it over to me.

"What time do you guys have to leave?"

"Around 1:30. You could come, Bella. It's been awhile since you've seen Phil play."

"Next time, Mom. Like I said, I have plans already and I'm kind of tired."

She smiled and nodded. "Well don't stay out too late, okay? We'll be home around 10 or 11."

"Okay, have fun. I'm going to go take a shower." I pecked her on the cheek and left the kitchen, chocolate milk in one hand, my bag in the other.

I passed Phil on the stairs. "Bells, did you have fun last night?" he asked, mussing my hair a bit. It was the only way he knew how to show parental affection, other than the occasional awkward hug on a very special occasion.

"Hey, Phil. Yeah, I did." I cringed a little at my own response. "So, you're playing today? Have a great game!"

"Thanks, any plans this afternoon?"

"Not much, just going out with Jasper later."

Like Renee, his face changed and I cursed myself for being so honest. He smiled weakly.

"All right, well have a good afternoon."

We both continued on our separate ways. I threw my bag in my room and grabbed some underwear, a change of clothes, and my towel before heading back to the bathroom. On the way I heard terse whispers downstairs, and I knew Renee and Phil had to be discussing me. I stopped and listened for a moment at the stairs.

"…can I say? You know if I try to stop her she'll probably just be sneaking around."

"Reen, she's been seeing that guy too much. You know I'm right. The age gap is a lot wider when you're a teenager."

"I know Phil, but I'm not going to get all 'overbearing parent' on her now. Charlie tries that with her all the time and it never works. She's a mature girl, I have to trust her."

"Well, maybe I should tell Charlie what's going on here," he threatened.

"If you do, you can go ahead and deal with him _and _Bella. That'll be something else."

Phil muttered something that I couldn't make out, but I didn't want to hear anymore anyway, so I went into the bathroom and started the shower. On one hand, I was beyond annoyed that they were still discussing this, and that Phil was trying to convince Renee to stop me from seeing Jasper. Yet on the other, if they knew what I had done last night, and where I was, I would have only proved them right.

Still, I couldn't shake my annoyance at Phil for trying to influence how Renee parented me. She and I had been together from the beginning, and from time to time I still felt a little resentful that he thought he knew better than my mother. Especially since they had quite an age gap between them, and he was probably better suited to be my big brother than my father.

I stewed for a while in the shower and then decided that there was no point in thinking about it anymore. I just prayed that Phil would never make good on that telling Charlie threat.

When I finished drying my hair and cleaning up my room, I called Jasper.

"_Ready, sugar?"_ he answered, his voice a little gravelly and very lazy.

"Were you asleep?"

"_Possibly. A little bit. Are you ready or what? I've been waiting patiently."_

"Yeah, I'm ready. I'm sorry I woke you."

"_I like waking up to your voice. I'll see ya in a few."_ I knew it was mostly bullshit, but for some reason he could always make me blush. _"Oh, and Bella?"_

"Hmm?"

_"Bring a bathing suit. I'm gonna make good on that pool invite."_

I packed a bag with sunblock, a towel, and my bikini and headed downstairs to eat something before Jasper arrived.

I was stuffing salad into my mouth when I heard two short honks. I finished chewing, grabbed my bag, and headed out the front door. Jasper was leaning against Pearl, on the passenger side and when I approached he opened the door and then leaned down to kiss me. I ducked out of the way and pointed to my mouth.

"Just finished eating Caesar salad."

"That's fine," he said, pulling me back to him. "I just won't kiss your mouth."

He kissed my neck and shoulder and then tugged on the strap of my tank top.

"Bathing suit?"

I held up my bag. "In here."

He nodded and pulled the door open wider. I got in and threw my bag at my feet. I fished out some gum and popped two pieces into my mouth. I held the pack towards Jasper as he got in the driver's side.

"Gum?" I asked.

"Nah, I'll just steal yours later."

We both laughed as he drove out of the development. When we pulled up to his house he leaned over to kiss me.

"Is anyone home?" I asked.

He leered. "Why do you ask?"

"You are such a perv. I was just wondering."

He shrugged and got out of the car. I waited for him to come around and open my door, having finally gotten used to 'the rules.' I stepped out of the car and shut the door. Jasper nudged me against it, pushing his hips into me. His fingers skimmed over my hair, but before he could kiss me, I held my hand up.

"Wait. Hold on." I rummaged through my bag and pulled out a tiara that said _Happy Birthday Princess_ in pink rhinestones. I placed it on his head. "I brought this for you."

His eyes traveled upward. He chuckled and flicked my nose. "You're such a teenager."

"Yeah, and you're such a wise and mature older man."

He smiled and leaned in to kiss me but I ducked away again and headed towards the door. "Ew. Not kissing a dude in a tiara."

He ran up behind me and grabbed me by the waist, slapping the tiara on to my head.

"Play your cards right and you could be wearing this and nothing else in my room in less than a minute," he purred into my ear.

"Or, even better, _you _could be wearing that and nothing else."

"Careful what you wish for, sweetheart. I'm a bit of a freak like that."

I laughed and let him lead me upstairs to his room. The moment we crossed the threshold into his room he slammed the door and pulled me to the bed. We were grabbing and fumbling and kissing in a rather uncoordinated manner but somehow we ended up on the bed, me on my back and him leaning over me on his side. His hand moved down my waist and over my stomach, his mouth to my ear.

"I want my birthday present," he mumbled between kisses to my neck and ear.

Before I could summon a proper response, he was already pulling my shirt over my head. I was nervous about what Jasper's idea of a birthday gift entailed.

"What kind of birthday present were you expecting?" I asked, not quite masking the hesitation in my voice.

He put his hand on my inner thigh and squeezed. His mouth moved from my neck back to my lips and he kissed me a few times before pulling away and looking into my eyes.

"This," he said, moving his hand up my thigh, beneath the hem of my shorts and bringing it to rest between my legs.

I grabbed his arm. "Wait. Jasper, stop." I knew those three words were going to piss him off but I had to set my boundaries. "There's like a natural order of things, you know? I am really embarrassed I even have to admit this, but I really haven't done much of anything, so I'd rather not just skip right to the grand finale, you know? I don't want to go backwards."

I expected him to huff and puff and whine about how hard life was because he was so horny, but instead he just smiled knowingly. "I wasn't referring to sex," he stated, moving his hand back to where it was. "Just relax for a minute. If you hate it you can tell me to stop."

He pressed his fingers into me and I definitely didn't hate it. I relaxed my head against the pillow and moaned a little bit as I felt him push my panties to the side. He kissed me and his fingers moved slowly over me and then faster, and my head was reeling and then they were inside me, _one, two_, and I _really, really_ didn't hate it. I clutched his bicep tightly with one hand and the other grasped the edge of the mattress because I just didn't know what to do with myself.

I tried to steady my breathing, but after a few minutes it was impossible. Jasper pressed his mouth against my ear and groaned.

"I wish you could know how this feels," he whispered.

It took me a minute but finally I choked out, "I have a pretty good idea."

He picked up his pace. "No, for me. How it feels for me."

The statement sent chills down my back. He whispered a few more things in my ear that made me blush, and then I started to notice my legs and toes felt funny. Everything felt hot and cold at once and I started to feel uneasy, like I was losing control.

I dug my nails into his arm. "Oh, God…Jasper…I'm…oh God, I don't….stop!" My brain had been rendered into a bubbling pile of goop, along with my nether-regions.

"Just go with it, honey. C'mon. Let go."

I probably looked and sounded like I was having a seizure or something, but I didn't care. I didn't care about anything. I just dug my heels into the mattress and pressed my face against his. After a moment, everything refocused and the sensation of his touch became unbearable. I nudged his arm and he pulled away and slipped it underneath my back.

"Well, that was something else," he said, squeezing my back.

"Sorry. You're pretty good at that," I said, looking away from his eyes. The euphoria was wearing off and suddenly I was a little embarrassed.

"I could have watched that for hours," he said, smirking. He kissed my forehead.

"I don't think I could have handled that for hours," I said. "I think I need a nap or something."

"We could nap. Or how about a swim? Or how about you nap in a bikini?"

"A swim would be perfect. I hope the water is really, really cold."

"You? What about me? I'm gonna need a few minutes before I put on any sort of swim gear."

"Oh, right! I'm sorry, I'm still a little foggy." I moved my hand down his stomach. "Well, I could use a little bit more practice…"

He groaned and slipped his hand into my hair, grabbing a fistful. "I do love an eager student."

So I gave him what I was now referring to as "The Bella Special" in my head, except it probably wasn't all that special, because it took a really long time and I thought my arm was going to fall off by the end. But it got the job done and after a brief rest we both got up and got ready for the pool.

I grabbed my swimsuit and towel out of my bag and went to the bathroom to wash up. I slipped into the bikini Renee bought me in Florida a few months ago; it was white with green stripes, with a black R and O on each cup and an X and Y on the bottoms. I pulled my hair into a high ponytail and left the bathroom after a final once-over. When I came back out, Jasper was standing in a pair of Texas flag swim trunks, a black towel over his shoulder. I looked him up and down and he just stood there smiling. The shorts were ridiculous but his body was most definitely not. I tried to keep the saliva in my mouth long enough to tease him.

"You're kidding, right?" I asked, shaking my head.

"Sort of. A friend bought these for me before I left Texas. Sort of an inside joke."

"Brady?" I asked, sitting on the bed to apply my sunscreen.

"Yeah, how did you know?" he asked, eyeing me suspiciously.

I blushed remembering my snooping, more so at the memory of the Magnum. It was no longer such a scary thing but still, I didn't need him finding out about that little discovery. "I saw the postcard. Sorry."

"S'okay," he said, grabbing the sunscreen bottle from my hands. "I get to do this."

"So, what was it like there? Do you miss it?" I asked as he worked the sunscreen into my shoulders.

"Yeah. I miss my friends. But I go visit often enough. San Antonio is great. Texas is great. This bikini is great." His hands moved down my chest and I elbowed him gently.

"I don't need sunscreen under the bathing suit, Jas."

"Sun protection is a very serious matter," he argued, but nevertheless moved his hands to my arms.

"Do you want to move back?"

"Yep. I will someday. I mean, I like Arizona, but Texas is home. Always will be."

I turned to face him. "Well, I hope you'll stay here for a while, anyway." I thought it was a sweet thing to say, and for some reason I was in the mood to be sweet with him.

He looked into my eyes and after a moment his narrowed a bit. He placed the sun block in my hands and got up off the bed. "Yeah, well, I will be if my father has any say in the matter. At least until I finish school, which could be another eight to ten years, at the rate I'm going."

I laughed, and it came out more nervously than I wanted. His reaction bothered me a little, though I tried not to let it. He was a guy, and guys were weird about that stuff. Or at least that's what I told myself.

"C'mon, let's go downstairs," he said, picking up my towel.

No one was around when we got home, but when we walked into the kitchen the whole damn family was there, including Edward. I suddenly became hyper-aware of my near-nakedness. Rosalie was standing next to her father at the kitchen counter wearing a bathing suit and cover-up. The Reverend and Sara-Jane were dressed in expensive looking casual clothes and Edward was in board shorts and a t-shirt. I felt my face heat up as everyone's eyes landed on us. I panicked internally, trying to come up with a way out of Hale family swim time.

Mrs. Hale spoke first. "Good afternoon, Bella. I didn't know you were here. Would you like something to eat or drink?"

"No thanks, Mrs. Hale, I'm fine."

The Reverend was staring at Jasper, his face unreadable. "Did you two just come from upstairs?"

Jasper nodded and stared back.

Reverend Hale shifted his gaze to me and smiled, flashing me all of his straight white teeth. "Bella, we've got rules in this house about being upstairs with the doors closed. I can't trust Jasper to follow them, but I am sure you'll keep him in line, right?"

There had to have been smoke rising off my face, it was burning so hot. Rosalie smirked and stared at me, as if she too were waiting for my answer. I tried to find words but I couldn't. I was afraid if I tried to speak I would just burst into tears, so I merely nodded. I chanced a glance at Edward, who flashed me a sympathetic smile. He and Rosalie were often up in her room when the Reverend wasn't around, but I suppose they just hadn't gotten caught yet. I made a mental note to bitch Jasper out later for not telling me the house rules.

Mrs. Hale was the one to break the awkward silence. She flitted over to Jasper and kissed his face loudly, several times. "Now, William just let it go for now. After all, Jasper is the birthday boy today!"

Reverend Hale frowned, but didn't argue.

"Happy Birthday, sweet meat," she said kissing him again. "Rosalie, wish your brother a Happy Birthday."

"Happy Birthday," Rosalie mumbled rolling her eyes.

I was still stuck on 'Sweet Meat.' I made eye contact with Edward, who was smirking, no doubt at the ridiculous nickname as well.

"Aw, thanks guys, gee, I feel so special with all this warm gooey birthday love flowing my way," Jasper quipped sarcastically.

"We'll go to the club for dinner tonight, Sug, and you'll get your present then. Bella, would you like to join us?" She looked at Jasper tentatively as if to ask_, "Are you at birthday dinner level yet?"_

I had to think fast. "I'm sorry, I don't think I'll be able to. I've got to be home this evening." Jasper knew I was bullshitting for sure, but he sure as hell couldn't blame me.

"I am sorry, dear, I suppose some more notice would have been nice. I just didn't know you were…well, if you'd be around." She stumbled mid-sentence, probably because what she meant to say was _"I didn't realize Jasper hadn't dropped your ass already," _but I did appreciate her attempt to make me feel comfortable and included.

Jasper grabbed my hand and led me to the patio doors. "We're going swimming. Thanks again for the heartfelt birthday wishes, Rosalie. What did I do to deserve such a kind and loving sister?"

"Enough, Jasper," the Reverend snapped.

I squeezed Jasper's hand because his father's bias towards Rosalie pissed me off to no end. He was no doubt to blame for her spoiled, surly attitude, and yet he seemed to think she was absolute perfection.

We stepped outside, and Jasper closed the door behind us and led me to the other side of the pool. He grabbed my hips and pulled me close.

"So, the mere thought of having dinner at the Christian Coalition with the Hales is enough to get you lying through your teeth, Miss Swan?"

"I'm sorry, I just…I mean…"

"Stop stuttering. I'd get out of it if I could. Now can you see why I want to move back to Texas?"

I laughed. "Yes, I absolutely can."

Edward and Rosalie came out of the kitchen onto the patio. They both sat down on lounge chairs on the opposite side of the pool. Jasper patted my butt and nudged me along.

"C'mon, let's get you wet."

I sat down at the edge of the pool and put my feet in, just to get adjusted first. Jasper dove directly into the deep end. Rosalie removed her cover-up and Edward, his t-shirt. I tried so hard not to stare at the fine trail of dark hair leading into the waistband of his shorts, but I failed miserably. Rose was wearing a full bathing suit and at first that made me feel worse about my skimpy bikini, but something about her porno body made that suit look way more scandalous than mine. I sighed out loud, suddenly wishing I had a cover-up of my own. I really didn't need a side-by-side comparison.

Rosalie put her headphones on, pushed her sunglasses over her eyes and lay back on her chair. After a few minutes Edward came over and sat down next to me. My eyes bounced between the sparkling water and his insanely inviting flat stomach. I chastised myself for ogling, but luckily Jasper was busy swimming laps.

"So, welcome to the Hale family," Edward said, smiling.

"Yeah, really. Are they always so…like that?"

"Pretty much. They're an odd bunch. I can't believe they haven't all killed each other yet. If it wasn't for that one commandment, I'm sure they would have."

"Are you going to dinner tonight?"

"Yeah, I kind of have to. It's very much against my will."

"I feel for you. But I guess the Reverend is nice to you, since you're dating the Chosen One." I glanced quickly at Rosalie, praying she didn't hear that.

Edward laughed heartily. "He hates my guts."

"Wow, he's tough, huh?"

He shrugged. "He's weird. He's really phony. He never really outwardly shows that he hates me, I can just tell. Honestly, I just try to stay out of his way, and he's busy a lot."

"I feel bad for Jasper. He's awfully hard on him."

"Yeah but Jasper is…difficult. I mean he got into so much shit in Texas, like getting arrested a bunch of times and people were always telling the Reverend what he was getting into there, so I think he's really lost patience."

"It's weird, but I just don't see him like that at all. It's almost a little hard to imagine."

"Well, he's different with you. Or at least he acts differently."

I tried to stop myself from smiling but I couldn't.

Just then, Jasper swam up and grabbed my feet. "It's nine million degrees, girl. Get your ass in here."

I turned to Edward, "Okay, I am going in. You should come in, too. We can play Marco Polo."

He laughed, "All right. Listen, do you want to meet on Tuesday or Wednesday for Bio? Our first status report is due on Friday."

I nodded a little too enthusiastically at the prospect of more after-school alone time with Edward. Old habits die hard. "Definitely, just let me know when and where."

Before we could finish our conversation Jasper's hands slid up my legs to my hips and he yanked me into the pool. Edward got up and walked around to dive into the deep end.

"No chatting with high school boys in that bikini. It's far too dangerous," Jasper murmured in my ear, pulling me against him.

"I don't think he finds my bikini distracting when he's got…uh…well, your sister."

Jasper laughed and kissed the back of my neck. "Sweetheart, don't ever change."

I chose to ignore him rather than ask him to clarify. I swam up to Edward and splashed him. "Race?" I asked.

"You're on, and FYI—I'm fucking Michael Phelps."

"Oh, yeah?" Jasper asked, "Is he any good?"

I laughed, hard, and then set the ground rules. "Two lengths, no tomfoolery, no early starts."

We lined up along the deep-end of the pool and I counted us down. We raced a few times until we were all exhausted. Edward won three, and Jasper one. I was just happy I didn't drown.

After that we were too tired to swim anymore so we got out and headed over to the lounge chairs. Rose immediately began bitching about Edward dripping on her, and Jasper and I collapsed on one chair without even bothering to dry off. The heat only made me more exhausted so I allowed myself to drift off to sleep, enjoying the feel of the warm sun, Jasper's cool clammy skin, and the soothing sounds of Edward and Rosalie fighting.


	12. James 1:26

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.**

**Legna989 is such a rockin' beta...seriously. I thank my lucky stars every day.

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**

_"If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless."_

_**James 1:26

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_**Edward Cullen**_

I sat on a lounger next to Rosalie, pretending to read, when I was actually obsessively stealing glances at Bella, who was asleep—regrettably on top of Jasper—on the chair next to Rose. I was thankful that Jasper was trying to sleep as well, because that observant fuck would definitely have noticed me visually assaulting her ass. Being around Bella in a platonic manner was hard enough most of the time, but it was next to impossible when she was in a bikini. I didn't want to be _that _guy and spend the whole time talking to her boobs and ogling her, but I wasn't used to this kind of situation, to wanting a girl and not being able to do anything about it. It was making me a serious perv.

Unfortunately, I couldn't help but stare because her ass looked so good in that bikini and her skin was all soft and white and opalescent and her long dark hair was wet and stuck to her back and it made me think about sex because everything about Bella made me think about sex lately. And that was bad, because I'd told myself that I'd had it with this Bella thing. Aside from the Rosalie situation, which was a frustrating mess, she was with Jasper. And as much as it made me retch bile, it seemed like things were getting a little serious between them. I didn't know what Jasper was doing when he wasn't with Bella, but he was acting differently, and even more so in her presence. Of course, if anyone could get Jasper to buckle down it would be she, with her beguiling ways. My issue was not with coming between her and Jasper, though—I would have gladly drowned him in the pool and engaged in some chlorinated coitus with her, had she given me any indication that that's what she wanted. I may have been a dick for thinking it, but there was just no way I was going to keep sniffing around her trying to get her to choose me instead. I didn't fucking do that shit.

No, that was mostly a lie. The truth was, I really didn't know how to be the kind of asshole that I needed to be to break up with Rosalie right now, and seeing Bella get closer to Jasper kind of took the wind out of my sails because our situations were too awkward and intertwined for me to really do anything. That, and there was a risk that she really liked the Texan toolbag and then I'd end up looking like a giant cock if I let her know that I was into her. So instead, I just stared at her wet, half-naked body and imagined touching all the places her bathing suit covered. As fun as that was, it kind of made me feel like shit, because she was sweet and nice and I felt bad for constantly sexualizing her. This unrequited like was doing a serious number on me.

I closed my eyes and tried to will away the impending hard-on. When I re-opened them a few minutes later they instinctively traveled back to my favorite place, only to find the scenery disrupted by an offending hand, shoved beneath the back of her bikini bottoms. Leave it to Billy Bob to ruin the view. I tossed my book to the ground and stood up. I could see that Bella was still asleep, one arm and one leg draped across Jasper. I decided to go back in the pool to burn off some rage and nervous energy.

After swimming laps until my muscles ached I climbed out of the pool again and saw that Bella was awake now, still laying on Jasper, but talking and laughing. I walked back to the lounger and carefully toweled off, trying my best not to get Rosalie wet so I wouldn't have to listen to her bitch and whine. She began bitching and whining anyway, though it was about the weather, not me.

"It's hotter than hell out here," she moaned, fanning herself with an Us Weekly magazine.

"I'm going in to get a drink, do you want something?" I asked.

"Yes, sweet tea," she moaned.

"You could always go in the pool if you're hot," I suggested.

She pointed to her head. "I'm having a fantastic hair day. No way."

"You could put your hair up, and just not put your head in," Bella offered, pulling her own wet hair back into a ponytail.

Rosalie turned to her. She was wearing large dark sunglasses, and I could imagine the bitchy eye-rolls going on underneath them. "I'm good, thanks."

Jasper sat up and kissed the back of Bella's neck. It killed me when he did that shit; he was so fucking blasé about it. I sighed and dropped my towel on the chair and walked towards the steps to the sliding doors.

"You guys want anything?"

"Beer me, E," Jasper said.

"Daddy is going to be pissed if he sees that," Rosalie warned.

"Whatever. They're in the garage fridge," he said, turning his attention back to Bella.

I wanted to tell him to get his own, that the offer was not meant for him, but I also didn't want to be a little bitch.

"I need a drink too. I'll come with you and help you carry them," Bella said, getting up from the chair. Jasper grabbed her arm and tugged her back. She giggled and smacked him. I gagged.

She skipped towards me and then turned around to say something to Jasper. She continued walking backwards toward me and then just as I was about to warn her, she tripped over Rosalie's shoes and stumbled, losing her balance. I stepped forward and caught her. I wrapped my arms around her waist and for a moment I did nothing else. I tightened my grip ever so slightly and pulled her up.

"That was close," I said. "Are you okay?"

Her cheeks flared red and I felt bad that she was embarrassed. It took every ounce of strength I had to let go of her and not pull her closer; I didn't want to relinquish the feeling of her skin against mine.

It was probably only a few seconds later that I grudgingly released her, but it felt so much longer. My hands slowly let go, my fingertips lingering on her skin for as long as I could allow without drawing too much scrutiny. When I looked up though, I made eye contact with Jasper who was glaring at me, his expression stern; there was no hint of the cocky amusement he usually displayed when he wanted me to know that he was on to me. Still glaring at me, he got up from his chair walked over to us. He grabbed Bella's hips and pulled her towards him, wrapping his arms around her. Finally he broke the death stare to look down at her.

"You all right?" he asked, kissing her before she could answer.

She laughed. "I just tripped, Jasper. Don't be a drama queen."

He stepped back. "Me? Edward was the one holding on to you for dear life." He was looking at me again.

I shook my head and turned towards the house—I was headed towards the steps to the door when Rosalie pushed past me and stormed into the house, slamming the door behind her. It hit the frame and slid back open.

We stood there in awkward silence for a moment. Bella scowled at Jasper and shook her head. A moment later Reverend Hale stepped out onto the patio, wearing a frown as well.

"Jasper, why is your sister upset?" he asked, his voice slightly strained.

Jasper shrugged. "She's always upset."

The Reverend's frown intensified and he looked at Bella and I before turning his attention back to Jasper. "Just watch yourself, pal," he advised, wagging a finger at Jasper before turning back to the house.

Jasper rolled his eyes and picked up a towel to wrap around Bella. "C'mon," he said, ushering her towards the steps.

We all silently went inside. Jasper and Bella disappeared into the living room and I rifled through the fridge and pulled out two iced teas. I drank half of one and set it on the counter before heading upstairs. As I was heading down the hall I saw Rosalie's door open. Reverend Hale stepped out and closed it behind him.

As he passed me he mumbled, "Door open."

I walked into Rosalie's room, careful to leave the door open behind me. She was curled up on the bed, still in her bathing suit. I walked around to sit across from her, expecting to see her crying. She was just staring straight ahead. I put the iced tea on her night table and finally her eyes slowly moved to mine. She stared at me for a minute before speaking.

"I fucking hate that girl."

I stood up again. "What the fuck is your problem with her, Rosalie? I don't think she's ever been anything but nice to you."

"She's always around. She takes up all of Jasper's time. He's either out with her, or here with her, or out somewhere else."

That bothered me too, but clearly not for the same reasons it bothered Rosalie. I couldn't figure out why it would bother her at all. "Rose, why do you care? You can't stand Jasper."

It was mostly true; Rose and Jasper fought constantly, and she was often the initiator. She bitched at him or about him endlessly. I did, however, recall a time after we first started dating when I had arrived at her house to find her on the phone with Jasper, sobbing and pleading for him to move to Arizona. Back then she wanted him here so badly, even though they hadn't stopped fighting since the day he moved.

"It's wrong. Like, does he care more about _her _than his family?" She sat up. "I mean, what the hell? He was never like this before. It's weird. She's always around, and now you're friends with her and she's just going to be everywhere."

"But you're not answering my question; what the hell is so wrong with her? Why do you find her so unbearable to be around?"

She glared at me. "She's just so…random. I don't understand what he sees in her. I don't trust her. She pretends to be all cute and nice, but I know she's really just…a _whore_." She spat the last word.

I took a deep breath and tried to organize my thoughts. I was trying so hard to hold on for Rosalie, because of the guilt I felt for not ending things a long time ago when I should have. I wanted to give her prom, and graduation, and then make a clean break, but when she said nasty shit like that, it made it nearly impossible. It wasn't even because she was saying that stuff specifically about Bella; it was just so unreasonably nasty.

I exhaled and scratched my head, pacing back and forth across the front of her room.

"Rosalie…I'm gonna go home," I finally said. I couldn't pull a coherent thought from the din in my head.

"O-okay…you're going to come back for dinner?" she replied.

"Rose, I think we need to…" Before I could finish she was shaking her head vigorously, tears welling up. "I'm not going to come back for a while. We need to take a break."

The tears spilled down her cheeks and her lip quivered. She didn't try to speak, she just shook her head.

"I need some time to think about things," I said, unsure of what exactly my intentions were behind the whole 'break' thing. There really wasn't much to think about, and I doubted that my decision would change.

"No!" she wailed, I flinched, not expecting the outburst. "Are you kidding me? Prom is in a month! You can't even be serious! Edward, we have all the same friends. We've been together since tenth grade...you can't even…you can't do this."

"Just…listen, I just said I needed a break, so please don't push me. I can't deal with your negativity, Rose. I can't stand the way you talk about people."

"Since when? You can't stand the way I talk about _her. _Really, what is going on?"

I shook my head. "You're so off-base. This isn't about Bella; she's just the latest example. I just can't take it anymore."

She switched up her game, climbing off the bed and walking over to me. I looked away from her as she placed her hands on my shoulders. "Please, baby, I am sorry. I'll keep my mouth shut. I won't talk about her again. I'll get better, I promise."

Again I shook my head. "It's not just the fact that you say it. It's that you think that way, and you'll always think that way."

"Edward…please…you can't do this. Please, not now. Just give me another chance. Give me until graduation but please don't do this now."

I sighed. The begging was wearing me down, as it always did. "All right," I finally conceded, "graduation. But I'm not going to come around as much. I'm sorry, but I need a break."

She nodded, the tears still flowing freely. "You're going to come to dinner still, right?"

I pulled her hands from my shoulders. "Yeah, I'll come. I'm gonna go watch TV."

As terrible as I felt for my timing, seeing Rosalie cry just didn't have the effect it once did. I was running low on guilt and pity and the frequency of her breakdowns had really made me numb to them. Still, I couldn't help but feel a little sad that things had gone so far downhill between us, because regardless of my complacency, we weren't always like this.

She walked back to the bed and sat down with her back to me. She wrapped her arms around her waist and wept quietly. I left the room, closing the door behind me, and headed to the living room to watch TV. When I got there, Jasper and Bella were sitting next to each other on the larger couch. Jasper continued staring intently at the TV, but Bella looked up and smiled when I came in the room.

"How is she?" she asked, frowning a bit.

I wanted to tell her that Rosalie didn't deserve her concern. Instead, I shrugged and said, "She's fine, she's just dramatic."

"Do you know what she was upset about?" Clearly Bella hadn't read as much into Jasper's comment as Rosalie and I had.

I hoped Bella would never find out the things that Rosalie had said about her. "I don't know, really, she's just in a mood. Don't worry about it," I said, slumping into the large leather armchair. We watched a few episodes of Entourage in silence, and I tried not to think of the whole mess with Rose.

Near the end of the third episode Bella spoke. "Oh, um, Jasper?"

"Yeah?"

"What's up with 'Sweet Meat'?" she asked, unable to suppress her giggles.

I laughed and she winked at me. Jasper rolled his eyes.

"My mom is pretty naïve, all right. My grandma used to call her that and she has no idea how weird a nickname it is. She's called me that since I was little. I've told her to stop, but she still slips up from time to time."

"I think it's lovely," she said, still laughing. "I think I'll call you that from now on."

Jasper growled and clutched her sides. He pushed her down so she was lying on her back and began to tickle her as she shrieked and squirmed beneath him. "If anyone should be called Sweet Meat…."

Now, Jasper calling his girlfriend meat? That made sense to me. I ignored the obnoxious flirting and continued to watch TV. A few minutes later, after they had settled down, Mrs. Hale walked in.

"Y'all should be getting ready for dinner soon, 'kay? Bella, are you sure you can't make it? Jasper would just love to have you there," she said, attempting to smile warmly. It was rather obvious that Mrs. Hale had had several run-ins with a syringe full of Botox.

We all turned to Bella, waiting for an answer. I hoped she'd decided to come. Having a normal person to talk to at a table full of crazy Hales would have been nice, and dinner, in a public place, with Reverend and Mrs. Hale, meant that they couldn't spend the entire time sucking face and dry humping like they usually did.

"I'm sure, but thanks for the invitation. I really need to be home this evening, though."

It sounded like bullshit to me, and I didn't blame her, although the Hale family freakshow could at times be very entertaining, especially when Jasper was present. She got a taste of it today and I figured she was a little overwhelmed.

"All right, darlin', next time we'll give you more notice," she said. She turned to Jasper. "Now, hon, please put on some nice clothes and don't give your father any trouble, I really don't want him all riled before we even leave and then stewin' all night."

Jasper frowned, but nodded anyway. "I'm gonna take Bella home before we go."

"Well quit your piddlin' around," she said, waving her hand in the air before exiting the room.

Jasper stood up and offered Bella his hand, "Okay, let's get you out of here before the chaos ensues."

She got up and turned to me. "Have fun tonight! See you in school on Monday."

"Yeah, see ya. Enjoy freedom," I said.

She smirked and followed Jasper out of the room.

. . .

The Hales lived up to my expectations yet again that evening. Reverend Hale naturally didn't like Jasper's outfit and Jasper naturally chose to antagonize his father rather than appease him. I believe he even used the line, "It's my party and I'll wear what I want to," eliciting all sorts of _tarnations_ and _fit-to-be-tieds_ and other Southern colloquialisms expressing displeasure, from the Reverend.

We finally made it out of the house, Jasper still in all black, sporting a big silver HALE belt buckle, and looking like a Johnny Cash wannabe. Who, by the way, was a heathen and a drug addict, according to the Reverend. We got to the club and immediately Sara-Jane and Reverend Hale were pulled into conversations with various club members who were also part of his congregation. Jasper made a beeline for the bar, and by the time we made it to the table, he was making his way back with a whiskey in each hand. I buried my head in my hands, anticipating his father's impending meltdown.

"What in the… Jasper, take those back."

"What? You can't return a drink, Rev."

"You are not drinking that stuff at dinner. Take them back and tell them to dump it."

Jasper laughed, further antagonizing the Reverend. "I'm twenty-two, I'm not breaking any laws."

"Jasper Hale, get rid of the alcohol. Now."

Jasper stared at him for a moment and then pounded back one, followed immediately by the other. "Okay. Done."

The Reverend slammed his water glass on the table, causing Mrs. Hale and Rosalie to flinch. "Lord, give me strength. Sara-Jane, you deal with your son, I've had just about enough."

"Quit being an asshole, Jasper," Rosalie snapped.

"Rosalie, watch your mouth," Mrs. Hale scolded her.

"Well, that's what he's being!"

The Reverend reached over and smoothed her hair. "Don't sink to your brother's level. Daddy hates hearing you talk like that, sweetheart. You're far too lovely for those nasty words."

The Reverend turned to Mrs. Hale and Jasper sneered at Rosalie and mouthed, _"Fuck you." _Rosalie looked like her head was about to explode.

I almost shouted _hallelujah_ when the waitress came over. "Hello, Reverend and Mrs. Hale. How are you?" she smiled politely at the rest of us. "Can I get everyone something to drink to start with?"

"I'll have a whiskey," Jasper said, smiling proudly.

The Reverend slammed his fist on the table this time and took a deep, labored breath.

"He's just kidding, sug. He'll have a Coca-Cola and Rosalie and I will have diet," Mrs. Hale said, before the Reverend could open his mouth.

Jasper wisely didn't protest. After that, Sara-Jane, Jasper and I had a mostly forgettable conversation, while Rosalie talked to her father about school, prom, and the song she was planning to sing at church next week. Rosalie had a great voice, and sang at her father's church at least a couple of Sundays a month. The Reverend ignored Jasper for the remainder of the meal and I couldn't help but wonder why they even bothered to have a birthday dinner, when none of them could really make it through ten minutes without bickering.

I had never been more relieved in my life than I was when I was in my car and heading home a couple of hours later. I pulled into the garage and let my head hit the headrest, taking a moment to unwind and finish listening to the Velvet Underground song playing on the radio. When the song ended I cut the engine and walked into the house. Carlisle was sitting at the kitchen table on his laptop. He looked up and smiled when I closed the garage door behind me.

"Hi, Edward. How was dinner?"

"Weird. Stressful. Typical," I said, tossing my keys on the table. "I thought you'd be working this evening."

"No, for once I have a Saturday night off. Do you have plans for the evening?" he asked, closing his laptop.

"I was just gonna go over to Eli's, but I don't know. The Hales were in fine form today and I'm exhausted."

"I can only imagine. Need to talk?"

"No, I just need to zone out for a while. Where's mom?"

"Bridge club. Your brother called for you, and a girl by the name of Bella as well. She said it was nothing important."

My casual tone masked my fluttering heart. "Thanks. I'm gonna go chill in my room."

He nodded. "If you're up for some chess later, I'd happily take a break from research."

"All right, I'll be down in a bit."

As soon as I got to my room I plugged my iPod into the docking station. I sunk into my bed as Otis Redding's "Try a Little Tenderness," filled the room. I finally felt relaxed again and my thoughts drifted, as they often do, to Bella. I remembered that she called and sat up again, reaching for my phone. I went to my backpack and pulled out my Bio notebook and flipped until I found the page where her phone number was written. I turned the music down and dialed the phone

She picked up after a couple rings. _"Hello?"_

"Hey, Bella, it's Edward."

"_Oh hey! Did you just get home? Sorry, I hope your dad told you it was nothing important," she said. "I really don't want to bother you."_

"Yeah, he did and you're not. I'm just hanging out, avoiding calling my brother back. He probably needs money."

"_School's almost out isn't it? Is he coming home for the summer?"_

"Yeah, he'll be back in a few weeks."

"_Are you looking forward to it, or do you have a Rosalie and Jasper kind of relationship?"_

"Heh, no, we're not nearly that bad. I don't mind him….most of the time."

"_That's good. I just called because, well, I felt bad about today, about Rosalie getting upset and I was kind of worried that I offended everyone by not going to dinner. It just…I didn't feel 100 per cent welcome, you know?"_

"I know. I don't blame you, and it was a total disaster. Don't worry about Rosalie, she was just being…Rosalie. Please don't even think about it."

"_Thanks, that makes me feel a bit better. So, why was it a disaster? What happened?"_

"Eh…just, you know, Jasper fighting with, well, everyone."

_"Hah…yeah, he's such a brat." _

I was thinking more along the lines of a dick, an asshole, or a complete fucking bastard, but I agreed with her just for simplicity's sake.

"Oh, I added the playlist to your iPod. Sorry it took so long, I get pretty serious about mixes," I said.

"_Awesome! No problem, thank you so much for doing it. I'm really excited." _

"I'll bring it to you Monday."

"_Sounds good, thanks again. So we're going to get together on Tuesday? After your soccer practice?"_

"Yeah, Tuesday would be good. I'll be home by five."

"_All right, cool. Well, I guess I'll let you go call your brother, even though you don't want to." _

"Yeah, I every time I talk to him I need to make a withdrawal from the bank. Okay, I'll see you Monday."

I hung up and dialed Emmett.

"_Homeskilly!"_ he shouted into the phone. He was definitely wasted.

"Em, you called?"

"_What the shit are you doing home on a Saturday night?" _

"Dinner with the Hales fucked my night up."

_"Oh shit, how's Rosalie doing?"_

"I don't want to talk about any of them right now, if you don't mind. What's up, Em?"

"_Yeah, so listen...a friend of mine gave me a tip on a horse race. It was a sure thing…except that it wasn't…so I need a bit more money. I swear, I am done with the gambling. It's bullshit and I'm a sore loser."_

"This is fucking ridiculous. You'd better pay me back. You're only getting six hundred."

"_Dang, Eddie, can you at least make it worth my while?"_

"What 'while'? You've done absolutely nothing to deserve the money, and you haven't had to expend any actual energy to get it. You made a phone call."

"_Aiiiiight, just make it happen, okay? I love you, my sweet li'l bro. I'm gonna take you to the circus when I get home." _

"Right. You have a couple weeks left, Em, don't fuck up, all right?"

"_Me? Never. 'Night, baby bro."_

"Later."

I turned the music back up and lay back down on the bed. I had nearly fallen asleep to Pink Floyd when I heard my phone beep. I picked the phone up and squinted at the screen—a text from Rosalie sat in my inbox.

_Going to Carm's if you want to come. _

I quickly responded that Carlisle had a rare night off, so I was hanging at home. She wrote back a few seconds later.

_K, have fun. Love you xx_

She was trying too hard. I didn't really know how to respond, so I just put the phone on the nightstand and grabbed Bella's iPod. I decided to go through the playlist I made one more time, to ensure it adequately expressed everything that I couldn't.


	13. Peter 4:8

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. **

**Hearts to Legna989 as always for her multitude of beta services. Also to RedVelvetHeaven who listens to me talk about this crap way too much.

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_"Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins."_

_**Peter 4:8

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_**Jasper Hale**_

I woke up to Bella smacking my head and squirming beneath me.

"Get off! Oh my God, get off, Jasper it's 11:15!"

"It's early, go back to sleep," I mumbled, rolling off of her and onto my stomach.

"No, we're not supposed to be asleep. I was supposed to be home over an hour ago. Damn, where is my phone?" I heard her rummaging around before she let out a pathetic-sounding groan. "Five missed calls. _Five_ missed calls. Jasper, get up please."

She slapped my back and then sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Hey Alice, you c-… what? She called you? What did you say? Oh crap, so she knows I'm here. Well, you could have said—I don't know, anywhere else! Never mind, don't worry about it Ali, it's not your fault. I'll see you tomorrow, provided Renee doesn't kill me."

I heard her phone slap shut and I turned to face her. "So…what's going on?"

She stood up, grabbed my arm and tried to yank me off the bed.

"We fell asleep. I'm late, and Renee knows I'm here, so she's not going to be happy. Would you please just get up and take me home? Get up!"

I shook her off. "All right, all right, calm down."

As I dragged my ass out of bed, she scanned the room. "Where is your shirt? God, Jasper why are you like, never wearing a shirt?"

The girl was tweaking. I wrapped my arms around her and held her in place. "Because you're always taking it off, sweetheart."

"Oh. My. God. Get dressed _now_. How are we even going to get out of here? Your parents are probably home now and we're going to get in trouble for being in here with the door closed again. You're such a bad influence, you know that?"

I dropped my arms, releasing her. "I'm not even sure why your mom is worried. You're clearly doing her job for her. Don't worry about my parents; they'll be in bed by now. Just grab your stuff."

When we got to the car I opened the door for her and she hesitated before getting in. "I'm sorry about the no shirt thing…I was just freaking out. You take so long to wake up." She frowned, and I was tempted to kiss her, but opted to mess with her instead.

"That's all right, I understand. From now on I'll just keep my shirt on."

"I'm sorry! Normally, I am _more_ than okay with you not wearing a shirt," she said as she ran her fingers back and forth along my stomach.

"You're such a bad influence, you know that?" I said, grabbing her hand.

"You're going to keep using that until I feel like shit, aren't you?"

I kissed her forehead. "Nah, I won't even need to, you torture yourself. Get in the car. I thought you needed to be home like, yesterday."

"Ugh. Can we go to Mexico instead?"

"I would love to, Brown Eyes, but you know they're not letting my ass across the border with you. Besides, I thought your mom was pretty hands-off. Why are you so worried?"

"I don't know I just…I hate when she gets that look on her face, like she's all disappointed."

"Oh yeah, a look, that's a pretty bad punishment."

"Shut up. Not everyone can be like you and not give a shit. Some of us are still a little scared of our parents."

I snorted. "Honey Bee, even if I did give a shit the Rev would still treat me exactly the same. That's why I stopped giving a shit in the first place."

She pursed her lips. "That makes me mad. What's with all the nicknames tonight anyway?"

"I don't know," I responded, laughing, "You're being all sorts of cute tonight."

She rolled her eyes. "Okay, Sweet Meat."

I gripped the steering wheel and gave her the evil eye. "Don't you make me pull this car over, girl. I'll give your mom something to be disappointed about."

We pulled up to her house and her mother was sitting on the front steps.

"Shit," she whispered, grabbing the door handle.

Before I got to the other side of the car, she was already out and walking towards her mom.

"I'm sorry, Mom, really! We were watching a movie and we fell asleep. My phone was on silent."

I followed Bella up the lawn. Her mother looked me up and down with the same unimpressed expression she wore when I met her the first time. I put on my best Eddie Haskell face.

"I'm really sorry, Mrs. Swan. Like she said, we both fell asleep." I knew her mom was calling bullshit on me in her head right now, but the retarded thing was, it was actually true—minus a bit of PG-13 action.

"It's Ms. Dwyer. I'm no longer married to Mr. Swan," she said.

"Right, sorry, Ms. Dwyer." I flashed her the pearlies and gave her my puppy dog eyes. It was very important that I keep Bella out of trouble and in my pants.

She smirked a bit and turned to Bella. "Baby, you know I don't like to give you a hard time, you're always good about coming home early, but when we couldn't reach you it really had us worried. Phil isn't too pleased right now."

"I know, I know, I'm sorry. It was a total fluke."

I still had the look of sorrowful regret plastered on my face when she turned back to me.

"Jasper, thanks for bringing her home safely. If you don't mind I'll have Bella give me your phone number. I know it'll never happen again, but if we ever can't reach her for some reason, at least we'll be able to contact you." She gave me a very knowing smile, as if to say, _I know what you're up to and you're full of shit_. It was borderline sexy and I was tempted to ask,_ Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs. Dwyer? _But I figured the humor might be lost on both of them.

"No problem. Goodnight, and sorry again about the mix-up," I said, before turning to Bella. "'Night. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

She waved and turned towards her house with her mom. I was relieved that I would not have to deal with an angry step-dad tonight.

As I drove home I couldn't shake this weird feeling I had. That whole spiel at Bella's place felt very boyfriend-y. I decided all this fucking cuddle time was screwing up my brain and I was in need of a good old fashioned hang-out with the boys

So, first I called James, the professional party-goer.

"_James speaking, how may I help you?"_

"J-man, we need a bonfire party… what do you say?"

"_I think we could arrange that. I'll call some people. Call Peter and tell him to deal with the logistics. I'll get the guest list going. Is this going to be a girlfriend-safe party? Are you bringing Jailbait?"_

"Shut the fuck up, don't call her that. I don't know yet…maybe."

_"Okay, I'll go ahead and put you down as +1. Actually, bring her, and tell her to bring Alice. Wait—tell her to bring a bunch of high school chicks. Is Rosalie coming?" _

"What the fuck, James, are you planning a gang bang? Don't bother; even the high school girls don't buy your weak game. That Alice chick inexplicably seems to like you, why don't you just focus on her for now."

"_Oh man, you are so whipped now. Wait, do you want me to wifey her so that we can go on couples' vacations together? Hey, can we swing?"_

"Hanging up. Call me when you're not a cocknob."

"_Fuck you. I'll call my peeps. I'll talk to you later, honey." _

I hung up on him and pulled into the driveway. When I got to my room I called Peter.

"_Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes?"_ he said upon picking up. _"I haven't talked to you in a bit."_

"Peter, my brother. As my most organized disciple, I've decided to bestow you the honor of pulling together another desert shindig," I said, grabbing my tobacco and rolling papers off the nightstand.

"_Sounds good. We can go to the place we went last time off Four Peaks Rd. My dad's got a bunch of firewood we can use too." _

"Marvelous. James is working on a merry guest list." After I finished rolling the cigarette, I lit it and dropped the ashtray in my lap.

"_Awesome, so the skank to normal people ratio will be 10:1 right?"_

"I'll try to rein him in as best I can."

"_Are you bringing Bella?"_

"All right, what the fuck? Are we a single entity now?"

"_Pretty much. You guys are the Brangelina of our little world."_

"Dude, don't fence me in. Don't fucking couple us up against our will. And did you just say Brangelina?"

"_I did. Deal with it. Listen, you're somewhat regularly seeing a cute high school girl who thinks you're the cat's pajamas. Quit whining like you're so hard done-by. And by the way she's seventeen, so I can guarantee you she's not against the coupling. You don't do casual relationships in high school, Jasper." _

"Okay, Dad, I appreciate the lecture, especially since you are so experienced with women and dating, what with the two girlfriends you had in the past ten years. Oh, and speaking of cat's pajamas, should you be asleep snuggling with yours right now?"

"_That's right, pal, keep deflecting. I know deep down you're just upset because Bella made you her bitch."_

I took a deep breath and resolved not to let him egg me on. "Can we talk about the bonfire please? So…Saturday?"

"_Saturday it is. I'll get the stuff. See you then." _

"Later, asshole."

No sooner had I hung up the phone and leaned back against the headboard than Rosalie came barging in my room.

"Could you put that disgusting thing _out_? Mom and Daddy are going to kill you if they smell that. Are you retarded? I can smell it in my room."

"Rose, what the hell do you care? You're always fucking going on about how _Daddy_ is going to kill me for this or that. What do you care? You're not the one doing it so fucking relax for once."

"If you keep shit disturbing and getting in trouble all the time they're going to send you away, you know."

"Where? They already fucking made me come here. I'm already in prison, Rosalie. What are they gonna do, make me go back? With pleasure, little sis, with pleasure."

Her nostrils flared and she glared at me. "Fine, why don't you just get a job and make some money and then you can just go wherever the hell you want?"

I jammed the cigarette into the ashtray and threw it back on the night table. "Why are you in here busting my balls anyway? I've had a shitty fucking evening so if you don't mind, could you just back the fuck out the door and go back to where you came from?"

"You're such a dick."

"So I've been told. Goodnight, sister."

I turned around before she even left the room and buried my face in my pillow. It smelled like Bella's shampoo. I sighed, and reached over, feeling around the nightstand for the remote. I turned the TV on in the hopes that it would distract me until I fell asleep.

. . .

Having actually attended a handful of classes all week, I decided to treat myself to a day off, so I woke up at the crack of half past two on Friday and hopped in the shower first thing. I told Bella I would pick her up at school and I had to haul ass to make it there by three-fifteen

When I pulled into the parking lot she was leaning up against some red van talking to Edward, the very same Edward who had been mysteriously absent from our household as of late. I could handle Edward's little crush on Bella—in fact it was rather amusing—but what I didn't appreciate was how she had been acting around him. Ever since the day he so conveniently broke her fall by the pool and she blushed that very particular shade of red, I'd had my eye on both of them. Not to mention, I had never seen two people take a class project more seriously; it was as if they were researching a fucking cure for AIDS.

I parked the car and sauntered over to them. I looked cute as hell in my black sleeveless T and blue jeans, and wee Bella most definitely took notice. Don't think I didn't catch her looking me up and down as I approached, much to the chagrin, I am sure, of Mr. All-Star in the soccer uniform.

"Hello, Miss Swan," I said, flashing her my prettiest smile.

"Hey, hold on one sec," she held her finger up and turned to Edward.

Hold on_? Did she just put her finger in my face?_

"Okay, so then all we have to do is write up the findings and the how-to instructions. So you don't have practice or anything Thursday? I'll come by then."

"Yeah, that sounds good."

I stood there waiting just as patiently as I could for her to kindly acknowledge my existence.

"All right, I have to get to the game. See you later, Bella. Later, Jasper." He quickly nodded to me before running towards the field.

"Okay! Let's go," she said, turning her head up to signal that she wanted a kiss.

"Oh, why yes Miss Daisy, where can I take you?" I said, refusing to lower my lips to hers.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Well, that rather lackluster greeting may have bruised the old ego a bit…"

She rolled her eyes. "What was I supposed to do? Pounce on you, knock you to the ground and maul you?"

"That would have been a much more appropriate response, yes."

She laughed. "Shut up, you know I'm shy."

"Yes, much more so around Edward, for some reason." The mere mention of his name always brought the same look to her face. She tried to remain stoic, but there was a brief flash of panic or shock.

"Whatever. You do look good today."

"Go on…" I said, batting my eyelashes.

She grabbed the belt buckle and snickered. "Heh. Hale."

"Hale yes, honey. And you do not grab a man by his belt buckle," I said, yanking her close to me, "unless…"

She giggled, "Shut the Hale up."

We got in the car and I turned my attention to the stereo. "What do you want to do?" I asked her as I cued up "T for Texas".

"Can we get tamales?" she asked, with a glint in her eye.

"Yes ma'am, we can." I pulled out of the school parking lot and headed towards the highway.

Bella leaned over and began kissing my neck, up to my ear and down along my jaw.

"What's gotten into you, missy?"

"Just making up for my lackluster greeting."

"Well, this is more like it, but sweetheart, you're putting Pearl in grave danger right now." Bella rarely made the first move, but that just made it so much hotter when she did.

"Sorry, Pearl!" she laughed, returning to her side of the car. I smiled and moved my hand to her knee.

"What are you doing tomorrow?"

She shrugged. "Alice wants to go dress shopping for a dance at school, but I don't know. They're going to go to a boutique and I won't be able to afford anything there anyway, so I'll just be watching. I told her maybe I'd go next week but I don't want to waste my Saturday doing that. Why?"

"We're having a bonfire in the desert. We do it every so often and it's a pretty good time. You should come, you can bring Alice along too." After all of Peter and James' teasing I was becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

"Sounds like fun, I'll check and see if Ali can come." She looked so pleased that I almost didn't care about all the shit my friends were going to give me.

We got tamales and hung out for a while and then I dropped her off at her friend Angela's place, before heading out for beers with James.

. . .

I got to Bella's late Saturday evening and since I was talking to her on the way, she was already coming out the front door when I pulled up. She was wearing a pair of tight knee length jean shorts, a white shirt and a red flannel button down, looking like some cute 90s throwback.

I gave her a quick kiss and opened the door for her as she threw her bag on the floor and got in. We stopped to pick Alice up and then headed out onto the highway.

At mile marker 203, I made a sharp right and then another onto Four Peaks. We pulled up to the bonfire site trailed by a cloud of sand. As soon as we stepped out of the car, Peter was heading over with a beer in his hand for me.

"Hey, man, looks like we did all right on short notice," he said, handing me the beer.

I took a swig and looked around. "Not bad, I don't know who half these people are."

"Friends of friends of friends I guess. Looks like everyone was in need of a party." He turned to Bella. "Hey, Bella, how are you doing?"

"I'm good thanks, how about you?" she responded in her cutesy polite voice.

"Excellent, I'm glad you came," he said, looking pointedly at me. Bella introduced him to Alice and then he gestured towards the fire. "C'mon, let's get you girls a non-alcoholic beverage."

"Non-alcoholic?" Alice whined.

"Don't ask, don't tell. I will not concern myself with what you put in your cup."

Bella looked back and smirked as Peter led them away. I waved her off and turned to lock the car.

"Well, if it isn't Pearl and her owner." I recognized the voice instantly. Velvety, a little bit husky, and with the slightest Spanish accent. Maria.

Maria was my go-to girl since about a month after I moved to Phoenix. I met her at Rogue West where she worked as a bartender. She was gorgeous, and she was wild. She had a Bettie Page tattoo on her arm, she'd get up and dance on the bar at least once a night, and she could drink most of the patrons under the table. I had to work my ass off to bag her, and when we did get together, it was very much at her leisure. She was the only girl I'd ever met who was fully okay with a very casual arrangement. That was until she started dating someone a couple months ago, and we sort of dropped what little communication we had.

I turned around slowly. "Maria, now what brings you to this part of the desert? Night off?"

"Yes, one of the few. I heard these little bonfires were not to be missed." She moved closer to me. "And when I heard an old friend would be here, I just had to come check it out."

She stepped closer still and she was wearing only a tight black vest and a push up bra, and Lord have mercy, I couldn't _not _stare.

"What happened with that boyfriend of yours?" I asked, backing up slightly against the car.

"I got bored," she said. "You look good, Jasper. I had almost forgotten…"

I took a deep breath and looked to my right just in time to see Bella and Alice heading back to the car. When they caught sight of Maria practically hanging off my jock, they both stopped short. Alice looked at me like she wanted to tear my balls off. They stood there for a minute until Maria followed my gaze, and then they slowly began to approach again.

"Hey…" Bella said tentatively as they approached. Alice was still glaring at me.

Maria waved to them and smiled a mildly bitchy smile. "Hi, I'm Maria." She turned back to me. "Oh, Jasper, is this your little sister?"

Alice just about fell over and Bella just looked at me with her big confused doe eyes.

"No this is my uh…this is Bella, and her friend Alice," I stuttered like an idiot.

"Your, uh, Bella?" Bitch would not let it go, of course.

I put my arm around Bella and pulled her closer to me. "Yeah," I said, hoping that would be enough of an explanation.

"Ooh, okay," she said. She gave Bella the once-over and smirked to herself. "Makes sense. Listen, I'm gonna go catch up with James, it was nice seeing you, though. You should come back to Rogue soon." She punctuated with a wink and I really wanted to roll my eyes at her.

She turned to walk and Alice's eyes narrowed. "I'll be back," she said, storming off in Maria's direction.

"Wow." Bella laughed nervously. "Did Alice just get possessive of James?"

"I don't even want to know," I said. I moved in front of her, and she leaned back against the car. "So that girl, Maria, she was just…"

Bella cut me off. "You don't have to explain, Jasper." I almost would have felt relieved if it weren't for the expression on her face.

"I don't mind explaining," I said. "I haven't seen her or spoken to her in a couple of months."

She nodded and looked down at her shoes. "So…you guys aren't…"

"I told you, I haven't been with anyone else. I wasn't lying." I grabbed her waist and she placed her hands gently on my forearms.

"Okay."

"You keep me busy enough, girl," I said, trying to lighten the mood. I ducked down to meet her eyes and smiled. She smiled back and let me kiss her.

I grabbed her hand and led her around to the back of the car. I helped her up to the trunk and then grabbed the cup from her hands. "What are you drinking? Juice?"

"I don't know, some kind of punch."

"Be careful with that. So, what time do I have to get you home tonight?"

She shrugged. "Renee and Phil are out of town for a game."

I really appreciated how she just casually dropped that shit on me, as if I wasn't going to angle for an invite. "Really? They left you home alone?"

"Yeah, it happens quite often, but I usually go over and stay at Alice or Angela's place. I don't really like being home alone."

"So, what are you going to do tonight?"

"I don't know, I might stay with Alice if she decides not to camp here or…maybe if you're not doing anything else you could come stay…I mean I just like having someone else in the house."

"What else could I possibly be doing? Of course I'll come stay." _My pleasure_.

She smiled, and then it melted to a concerned frown. "Okay, but that wasn't like a sex invitation, just so you know."

As if I would ever entertain the idea that she might possibly be willing to have sex with me. Absurd. "I'll be on my best behavior. I'll even sleep on the couch if you want."

"No, you don't have to sleep on the couch," she said. She knitted her brow and looked as though she had something else to say, so I waited. She gulped back her entire cup of punch and then after a moment she spoke again, "Jasper, I was wondering…"

"Yeah?"

"Remember that dance I was talking about? It's the Junior/Senior dance and traditionally it's supposed to be seniors taking juniors, like passing the torch or whatever, but everyone brings whoever they want now." She was talking fast, and all I could think was _no, this cannot be good. _"So, anyway, everyone already kind of has dates and I know this sort of thing makes you barf and I can't even believe I'm asking you but do you think maybe you could go with me?"

I had to think fast. There was no fucking way I was going to a high school dance but she was already looking up me all expectantly and damn if she didn't know how to tug at my heart. I didn't want to hurt her feelings but there was no way in hell I was going to that dance.

"I don't know Bella, I mean, a high school dance? I'm 22. It would be a little weird."

She frowned. "I know, but like, we can just go for a bit. I don't even want to, but my friends will make me, they think it's such a big deal. It would be embarrassing to have to go alone."

"Why do you have to go alone, you're prettier than all your friends," I said, tugging a strand of her hair. "I don't see why they would have dates and you wouldn't."

"Because while I was hanging out with you, they all paired up it seems. I'm not asking you to go like, as a _boyfriend thing_. I mean if anything it's just a favor, really."

"Bella, you've got to understand—I just don't do school dances. I'm sorry."

She nodded and smiled. "It's okay, I figured as much."

"I'm sure there is someone left to go with. I'm sure one of those guys would prefer to take you over their date anyway." I didn't love the idea of some 17-year-old trying to put his grubby little paws on her all night, but I loved the idea of me going to a fucking dance even less.

"Yeah, maybe," she said, looking at her lap. I felt like shit but I stood my ground.

I was about to continue justifying when Alice and James came back over to the car.

"You guys are being anti-social!" Alice said. She had a cup in each hand.

Bella gave them both another one of her sad smiles. "You're right," she responded, sliding off the trunk.

"Let's get you some more of this sizzurp you're drinking," James said, throwing his arm around Bella.

She followed him into the crowd without looking back. Alice was right behind them but I grabbed her arm and held her back. "Can I talk to you for a sec?"

"Yeah, what's up?"

"This dance thing, you guys are going to buy dresses for it?"

"Yeah, are you going? Oh my God, she was so scared to ask..."

I cringed. "Uh, no, I can't go—but she mentioned that you were going to a kind of expensive dress place tomorrow."

"Oh, right, Betsey Johnson. Why are you asking?"

"Well, she said that she couldn't really afford to get a dress there so she was just going to watch you girls shop. Listen, I feel bad that I can't go but I want to buy her the dress. So can you let me know how much you think you'd need and I'll give you the money. Just find a way to get her to pick a dress and then get it for her. You don't have to tell her I paid for it, you can say you did or something."

"Jasper, you don't have to. I mean, it's not the dress she cares about."

"I know, but I just want her to get something nice. She probably cares more than she knows, and anyway I just want to pay for it, so will you help me or what?"

"Yeah, that's nice of you. I'll get her to try stuff on with us."

"Okay, I'm going to give you my number. Give me a call when you know how much the dress is and I'll bring you the money."

We exchanged numbers and before she trotted off to find Bella, she told me again that it was really nice of me to buy the dress, but that was bullshit and I knew it, too. The money was nothing and I just kept hearing Alice's words over and over in my head: _it's not the dress she cares about. _I felt like an asshole, and the more I heard those words, the worse I felt. After an hour or so of watching Bella try to have fun, I gave up—or rather I gave in.

She was talking to Felix and Peter when I walked over and took her hand.

"Can I talk to you for a sec?"

She nodded and I led her over to the car.

"Is that dance invitation still good, or did you find another date already?"

Her expression was blank. "Jasper, you don't have to, really."

"I want to. I don't want you dancing with a bunch of horny teenage boys."

This time she smiled brightly. "Really? You'll go?"

"I will dust off my formal wear."

She threw her arms around my neck and stood on her tiptoes. "Thank you! I'm so excited now!" she said, before kissing me.

"I have to admit, there is an added bonus. My presence there is going to piss Rosalie right the fuck off."

She chuckled. "Well, whatever it takes."

I looked around at the crowd by the bonfire and then back to her. "These parties aren't as fun as they used to be. Do you wanna go?"

"Okay, let me go talk to Alice and see if she wants to stay, or if she needs a ride."

She reemerged from the crowd a couple minutes later. "She's staying. We can go, but maybe you should like, text James or something and tell him to behave."

I led her around to the passenger side and opened the door. "All right, I'll tell him to keep it in his pants," I said, before closing the door again.

. . .

As soon as we got back to her house she did a quick sweep to make sure her parents weren't around. She was crazy paranoid like that, even though their car was gone and the house was dark. She also made me park up the street so that if they decided to come home early, she could hide me under her bed or something. _Oh, to be in high school again. _

She led me upstairs to her room. "Okay, just remember what I said. Just because you're sleeping over doesn't mean…you know, that I am going to have sex with you or something. Just remember that."

_Sure, whatever you say, sweetie. _

"Relax," I said, wrapping my arms around her waist. "I am just here to protect you from cat burglars and the boogey man."

She wriggled from my grip. "You're making fun of me!"

"No, I'm not. So, what do you sleep in? Some sort of lacy negligee-type deal from Victoria's Secret right? Or like a thong and pasties?"

"Oh my God, you are so gross," she said, shaking her head.

I surveyed her bedroom. For some reason I expected the walls to be covered with posters of unicorns and pages torn from Bop or Tiger Beat. I expected to see lava lamps and like "3rd Place" or "Participant!" medals from summer camp activities and shit like that, but instead her walls were bare except for two black and white photos tacked above her desk. One was with her mother and she was a few years younger. Her mom looked hot, she looked cute in a kid way, and I felt mildly skeevy. The second one was more recent and it was of her and a man I assumed was her father. He had an intimidating mustache and I was glad he lived in…some other state. They were sitting on a porch, he was laughing and holding a beer up, she was looking away, smiling demurely. She looked fucking gorgeous.

I looked away from the photo when I saw her walk past me, a pile of clothes in her hand. I grabbed her and pulled her back.

"Jasper, I…"

I cut her off with a kiss. She loosened up after a couple seconds of my sexy tongue magic and I grabbed the clothes out of her hands and threw them on the desk behind me. I inched her back towards the bed but she pulled away.

"I was going to get changed and wash up."

"I'll wash you. Hey, let's get in the shower."

"No way. I just know that's when Renee and Phil would decide to come home."

"Bella, they aren't coming home," I assured her, pulling the button-down off her shoulders.

"Jasper, I want to put on my sweatpants."

"Ew, sweatpants?"

"You know what? On second thought, I don't feel that scared. I think I am okay to stay home alone."

I grabbed the clothes off the desk and threw them at her. "Go. Put on your greasy sweatpants."

She scrunched her face at me and then left the room. I kicked off my boots and lay down on her bed. I grabbed her iPod and scrolled through it.

She came back in the room a few minutes later, making sweatpants look way better than they should.

"I didn't peg you for a Cream fan," I said, pressing play on "Strange Brew" as I watched her hang her clothes up.

"Well, Edward put that on there. But I like them."

"Edward? How exactly did he put it on here?" _The little fucking weasel._

I hit the back button until I got to the menu. The song was on a playlist entitled "4B". _The fuck? _

"I was at his house working on Bio and I liked all the music he was playing, so he said he'd make me a playlist."

I scrolled the list quickly. Bob Dylan's "You're a Big Girl Now", indie-looking crap, The Beatles' "I've Just Seen A Face", indie-looking crap, Led Zep's "Lemon Song", and "Apple Blossom" by the White Stripes_._

_Like hell, Edward, that is my fucking jam._

I got up and walked over to her. "Isn't that a little shady, him making you a playlist?"

"What are you talking about, Jasper?" she said. Her tone was dismissive, but she blushed. Excessively. _Right_.

I decided to ignore her fucking disturbing reaction in favor of making her forget all about the poor-man's David Beckham. I grabbed the pair of jeans in her hand and tossed them on the floor. "Those greasy sweatpants are hot," I said.

"They're not greasy!"

She frowned and I kissed her mouth. I walked over the door, closed it and turned off the light. I pushed her back toward the bed.

"It's past your bedtime, young lady," I said.

She laughed and pulled the comforters back while I removed my shirt. She got in bed and slid over to the side closest to the wall. I unbuckled my belt and pulled off my jeans.

"Do you want borrow some sweatpants?" she asked, chuckling.

"No, I sleep naked."

She didn't say anything but I saw her look down at her lap.

"Should I turn on the lights? 'Cause you're cute when you're blushing. I don't want to miss that shit."

"I'm not blushing! Shut up."

I hopped onto the bed and sidled up next to her. "Come here," I whispered, grabbing her chin.

I kissed her until she relaxed again and then I lay back on the bed, pulling her down with me. She nestled her head into my chest and began to run her fingers along my stomach. Girl had no idea what that shit did to me, so I decided to give her a taste of her own medicine. I rolled over, nudging her onto her back and I slipped my hand beneath her t-shirt and began to do the same thing while I kissed her. Within five minutes, max, she was clawing at my neck and scalp and my fingers were traveling upwards. Every time I came close to her nipples I would slowly drag my fingers back down her stomach, to circle her belly button. I got her to the point where she couldn't even focus on the kissing and then I allowed myself a nice handful. And then a mouthful.

She was doing her whimpering and moaning thing when I shifted on top of her. I sat back on my heels and grabbed the sides of her sweatpants, tugging them down.

"Jasper, no," she murmured.

"I know, I know." I knew I wasn't getting any, but at least I could get some friction going. "Just the pants."

She didn't protest further so I yanked them off and threw them…elsewhere. I collapsed on top of her again, pushing my hips into her. Now, I quite enjoyed the feeling of my junk on hers with only two thin layers of cotton between us, but what shocked me was the sexy ass moan she let out when I pressed against her.

I ground myself roughly against her, kissing her mouth and her face, squeezing her tits. Her panting was driving me crazy.

"Are you sure you don't…"

"Yes, shut up," she gasped.

_Ridiculous._

I moved my hand between us and snaked it into her panties. She most definitely didn't mind that, selfish brat.

I pushed a finger into her and pressed my lips against her ear. "Do you like that?"

She nodded a little but turned her face away from me. Apparently, dirty talk was too next-level for her.

So, I did what I knew she was comfortable with and kept going until she had had enough.

I rolled off of her and shook my head; so close, yet so far, from the Promised Land. I slipped my arm beneath her neck and pulled her against me. She surprised me, yet again, when she immediately began kissing my chest, before shoving her hand into my boxers. I groaned when I felt her hand close around me. I appreciated that the hand job had become Bella's new favorite thing, but a dry rub down with an inexpert hand could be a long, arduous process sometimes. Admittedly that little bump and grind got me pretty fucking close, but still, I suppose I was hoping for a little more tonight, even if I knew I was being completely delusional.

Imagine my wary glee when she started kissing her way down my stomach. _No. Fucking. Way_. Knowing Bella she'd probably slop me up and down above the waist and then happily snuggle into bed, not realizing that my balls were going to fall of because of her.

But lo! When her tongue hit my waistband, she merely yanked it down. I was sure was now dreaming, having fallen asleep during a porno or something. She sat up, and I almost breathed a sigh of relief because at least this made sense.

"I was thinking that I could…" she trailed off.

_Yes. Yes, you may. _

I waited for a moment, terrified that a poorly constructed sentence or sudden movement might alter our current course.

"It's not going to be good, though, just so you know. Just help me, or whatever."

_Ummm, hot?_

"Okay," I choked, feeling like a squeaky sixteen-year-old.

She shimmed down the bed and knelt between my legs. I bit my lip and thanked Jesus over and over again.

I squeezed my eyes shut and hissed when I felt her mouth on me. For a long time that's all I felt, just her mouth—on me—nothing else. Then there was the sucking, which she took very literally. It was pleasurable, but again, some movement always helped. I remembered that she was very open to instruction, so I tried to collect myself enough to provide assistance.

I propped myself up on my elbow and ran my fingers through her hair, pulling it away from her face.

"Okay, do you want me to just…is it okay if I move your head a bit, just to show you?"

She hummed an "mmhmm" and I threw my head back. "Okay, you could just keep doing that."

"Hmmm?"

"Yes, that."

I looked down again and placed my hands gently on her head. "So just, you know, move up and down a bit."

She started to get the hang of it and I was heaven, until she got a little too enthusiastic, went a little too far, and practically choked herself.

She sat back up for a second and I propped myself back up on my elbows. "You okay?"

"Ugh, Jasper, I don't know. It's too big."

_Ugh? _Never, in my entire life, had any woman made me feel so shitty about having a big dick. She sounded absolutely disgusted.

"You don't have to go down that far," I said trying to figure out how to explain that shit. It was getting downright clinical. "You can...here, just put your hand at the base and do like a half hand-job, that's the best way." I grabbed her hand and wrapped her fingers around me. Were I flexible enough to show her the rest, I would probably never leave my house.

After a few false starts she managed to somewhat get the hang of it, at least it was enough for me. She pulled her mouth away and was using her hand for a bit when I felt it slip off.

"Ow!" she whispered.

I sat up again. "What happened?"

"Nothing," she said, touching her lip.

"Did you just punch yourself in the face?" I somehow managed to abstain from laughing.

"No! Not really."

A small little chuckle escaped and I sat up. "Are you okay?" I asked, running my thumb along her lip. I kissed it and then she turned her head away and huffed.

"This is like…it's harder than I thought, I mean I don't know, it's like when you have to rub your head and pat your stomach or something, I mean it's not even that it bothers me but it must be so bad, and it's just confusing, and it can't even be like…working for you anyway…I just…" she huffed again, clearly getting frustrated.

I quickly rescinded my thanks to Jesus before pulling her over to me. I was getting really tired of the stupid conscience I seemed to have developed. "Hey, come here, you don't have to do this," I said, actually meaning it…sort of.

I lay back on the bed, taking her with me. I pulled her close and kissed her a few times. She jerked her head away from me and tried to squirm out of my grip.

"No, it's not fair. I feel bad! Let me try again, I just need to focus or something."

I shook my head and held her tighter. "Nah, it's all right, another time, okay?"

"See, you're like the first guy in the world to refuse a blow job, it's _that_ bad."

"No," I said, kissing her nose. "I just don't want you getting traumatized or something. Plus, we should ice that lip."

She poked my ribs. "Stop."

She turned her face to mine again, no doubt to protest some more but I kissed her instead.

"I still feel bad," she mumbled a little bit later.

"Don't," I reassured her. "Okay, you know what? How about this…"

I pulled her on top of me so that she was straddling my hips. I grabbed her ass with both hands and pushed her against me, now only one layer of cotton between us. She leaned forward to kiss me, her hair falling around my face and tickling my neck. I guided her hips a bit until she found the rhythm on her own.

"Yes," I groaned into her mouth, "just keep doing that, okay?"

She nodded and pressed harder against me.

"Fu-uck." The urge to just stick it in her was overwhelming, but I behaved myself and didn't even ask, let alone beg.

I took a handful of her hair; I fucking loved all that hair all over the place. The other hand continued to push her ass against my pelvis until I felt the _super happy cloud _float over me.

"Bella...baby…"

She ground herself hard against me and kissed my neck. "Yeah?"

"If you were to try again now, I promise it wouldn't take much…"

She nodded and we kissed for a little bit before she slid down my body and gave it another go. Round two was a rousing success; she managed to not punch herself in the face, and I managed to make good on the "it won't take long" promise, clocking in at somewhere under a minute.

It was only a millisecond after I came that I realized we hadn't really had a "preferences" discussion, that is, if she even knew what her preferences were. If she didn't before, they became clear to both of us when she quickly looked around and then got up and ran from the room. I was too tickled to even be offended.

When she came back in a few minutes later her hair was up and her breath smelled minty fresh. She crawled back into bed and onto me and I wrapped my arms around her shoulders. We lay there in silence for a while, I fiddled with her ponytail and she played with my fingers.

"Jasper?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"I think I should be thanking you…"

"No, not that…for the dance thing. I appreciate it."

_Ugh, the dance._ _The shit I do for this girl._

I kissed her head. "No problem, Brown Eyes."

* * *

**For those of you who are a fan of the J/B pairing, I wrote a one shot called "To Get Back Home" for LolaShoes and tby789's Love Through Lemons contest. It's short and sweet, so if you're interested please check it out :) You can find the contest info there too.**


	14. Timothy 2:14

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight**

**Legna989 is the beta round these here parts. I heart her.**

**I broke a massive personal KOL in fic rule here. I hang my head in shame, but it had to be done.

* * *

**

_"And Adam was not deceived, but the woman was deceived and became a transgressor."_

_**Timothy 2:14

* * *

**_

_**Bella Swan**_

I sat on the floor of the large changing room of Betsey Johnson, watching Alice, Jess and Angela try on thousands of dresses.

"Bella, would you just try something on? Just for fun, or to keep busy, or whatever. There's no rule that you have to buy something," Alice said, stuffing her boobs into a tight yellow strapless dress.

"Yeah, Bella, just try something on—it's fun!" Angela said, rummaging through her pile. "I'm not going to buy anything either."

I sighed. "Why bother? I don't want to see something I like. Maybe we can stop at Goodwill on the way home."

Jess snorted. "Stop being a baby, there are lots of cute dresses in every price range. Try a style you like here, and then maybe we can go find one that's similar somewhere else."

Once fully stuffed, Alice disappeared behind the curtain. She returned a couple minutes later with an armful of dresses. "Here, start with these."

I knew arguing was futile and honestly, I was tired of feeling bad for myself, so I quickly undressed and grabbed the first dress in the pile and slipped it on. Jess zipped me up and I stood in front of the mirror, flanked by Angela and Alice. The dress was strapless, white and pastel aqua blue with ruffled lace tiers and a tulle lining.

I stared at it for a moment before speaking. "Ali, I look like a baby whore from the 80s."

"It's cute!" she said, slapping my arm.

"It's revolting."

"Jasper will want to ravage you in that."

"He already does, I don't need to make it any worse."

"Ugh, _jealous_!" Jess exclaimed, digging through the pile.

She pulled out a shimmery teal strapless organza; I knew I was going to hate it but I decided to try it anyway to appease them. Once I had it on, I barely even glanced at the mirror before reaching back to unzip it.

"Sick, it's too short, too shimmery and too...blue. No more 80's slut dresses, okay?"

Angela grabbed the next one. It was again strapless and had a grey ruffled bodice with a large purple sash that tied into a large bow in the back. The grey continued beneath the sash and blended into a deep purple. When I put it on, it actually didn't look half bad.

"Wow. This is the one. Oh my god, it looks amazing with your hair...and your skin. Wow," Angela said.

"It is pretty cute, Bella, and it's not slutty at all," Jess added.

I grabbed the price tag dangling from a ribbon under my arm. "$415.00. Yeah, right."

All three of them frowned. I looked at it one final time before removing it. Alice grabbed it before I could even toss it on the pile.

"I'm sorry, I'll go put these away. And I'll make it my life's mission to find you something similar, okay?" she said before leaving the change room.

"Damn, that dress was awesome," Jess said, gathering her pile up.

"It's all right guys, I'll find something decent. It's not like this dance is a big deal. I'll be lucky if I can get Jasper to stay for an hour."

"Yeah, 'cause you're going to have sex after, right?"

I laughed, more out of shock than amusement. "Jess! No—because he's in college and it's a small miracle I even convinced him to come at all."

"Which is why the hell you should have sex with him, Bella. Jesus Christ, you're killing me. He is _so_ hot, why aren't you like, ripping his clothes off every time you see him?"

"I don't know, we just haven't gotten there yet," I said. "Or, I haven't, I guess. And just because we're not doing it doesn't mean I'm not taking his clothes off all the time." I laughed and Angela scrunched her nose.

Alice came back in the fitting room and I nodded my head towards Jess and rolled my eyes at her.

"Well get there, because I want to hear about his technique. Don't get yourself dumped before you get a piece, please," Jess said, oblivious to my gestures.

"She's kind of right, Bella. What are you afraid of? You've more or less conquered the BJ now...the rest is gravy. Besides, Jasper has had experience with _your kind_ before. He knows what he's doing," Alice said.

"No! Don't listen to them, Bella. That's exactly why you _shouldn't_," Angela whined.

I should have appreciated the support, but lately the differences between Angela and me had become more glaring. I didn't want to be like her, and it seemed I had reached a point where I had to more or less choose a side. I had decided a while ago that I wanted to revoke my membership to the virgin club, and yet for some reason I had lingered there. Lately, the more Angela tried to dissuade me from listening to Alice and Jess, the more I was inclined to heed their advice.

"Listen, Bells, this isn't about giving Jasper what he wants or doing what you think everyone else is; it's about not making sex out to be some big huge scary thing. You like Jasper, and as much as it shocks the shit out of me, he seems to really like you, so if you _want_ to have sex with him, then do it. Do what you want to do."

I stood there in a mild state of shock because sometimes Alice made so much sense. I wished she could be there when Jasper and I were alone, when I could use her voice of reason the most.

"This coming from the girl who hooked up with that nasty friend of his," Angela sneered, shaking her head.

"I still can't believe that, by the way," I said, helping Alice sort her pile.

"Uh, me neither, after the way he treated me!" Jess chimed in.

"Whatever, he's different when he's not showing off in front of his friends...you guys don't even know him. And holy shit, he has a slammin' body, so I don't even care what you losers say."

"I kind of like him, too," I admitted, "I mean, he's a total asshole and an idiot, but he's funny."

"Well, his skills in the bedroom are no laughing matter, let me tell you," Alice said, smirking.

"And by bedroom you mean sleeping bag?" I added.

"Okay, can we just go, guys?" Angela said, frowning and hanging her dresses on a hook on the wall.

"Wait, don't you want to dish about you and Ben, like, holding hands?" Jess asked. She and Alice snickered.

I felt bad for Angela, always being teased for her inexperience. But at the same time she kind of asked for it, because she was often so judgmental of everyone else. I never noticed it as much when Jess and Alice were the only ones who were sexually active, but since I had started doing more stuff with Jasper, and since Alice and Jess had an uncanny way of dragging information out of me, she now cast a disapproving eye upon me. I felt that I was still so far from a slut, considering the pace at which Jasper and I were moving, and yet she constantly frowned on everything I said or did that involved him. Angela had been my best friend since Kindergarten and she held that title even when I met others with whom I identified more closely, like Alice, and it saddened me to think that our paths may have been veering so far in opposite directions that we couldn't even relate anymore.

She still talked to me about Edward a lot, as if trying to keep him at the front of my mind. As if she thought he was my salvation or something. I had far but forgotten about Edward—in fact if anything my attraction to him grew stronger in some ways, as I got to know him—but the unfortunate truth was that he was still with someone else, and so was I. Even though I spent three years crushing on Edward, I did really like Jasper and the fact that I was actually _with _him in some capacity really made all the difference. I was starting to face the fact that Edward was a crush that I just may never get over, but it didn't mean that I couldn't move on.

Of course, our Bio project made moving on a little more difficult when it forced me to spend time alone with him, in his house, surrounded by his stuff, his scents, his life outside of school... it was like some mystical fantasy land. For three years I just imagined that after school he ascended into the clouds and lived in a golden palace or something, and now I got to _go_ to the golden palace. Every time I went, it seemed like I was made privy to another small chunk of his mystery. The other day after we finished our work, he showed me the music room in their house and somehow I convinced him to play something for me. He sat on a stool in front of his drum kit, acoustic guitar in hand and asked me what I wanted him to play.

"Well, what do you know?" I asked.

He smirked and rubbed his fingers over his stubbly jaw. "Just tell me a band or a song you want to hear, I'll tell you if I know it."

"Ummm..." I thought back to the playlist he made and picked a band I liked. "Kings of Leon?"

He grinned brightly. "Good choice."

He began strumming without telling me what he was playing. It was a different song than what he had put on the mix. Naturally his playing impressed me. I had no musical inclination whatsoever, so the fact that he could make pleasant sounds come from a guitar seemed like a feat in and of itself. But my knees nearly buckled when he began to sing. I loved his speaking voice and I had heard him sing very briefly that day at school, but not like this. I never imagined that his singing voice could sound so…_sexy_.

_That taste_

_All I ever needed_

_All I ever wanted_

_Too dumb to surrender..._

I just stared in awe as he played the song effortlessly, or so he made it seem. He kept his eyes closed for most of it, his messy hair falling over his forehead as he lowered it closer to the guitar. When he looked up at me towards the end of the song, I felt my face get hot. He continued to stare, singing to me. I mean, he was singing at me, but because I am stupid and crazy, it _felt _like he was singing to me, and I got all fidgety and weird because I didn't know where to look or what to do with my hands. I just couldn't look him in the eye when he sang, because it felt wrong.

_She wades_

_In and out of sexy_

_She must be plum crazy_

_I kinda think I like her_

_Kinda think I do..._

He finished and for a second I didn't even realize it, because I had been zoned out, staring at his fingers, which fiddled over the fret board even after he had finished playing.

"I haven't played that much. I mean I mostly just learn this kind of stuff by ear, so I played it a couple times just to learn it and that was it. The vocals are a little tricky actually, I haven't really sung in a while, either…"

God, he thought I wasn't talking because I didn't like it? "Edward, you're amazing. Like, how are you not in a band or something? What was that called? I loved it." I couldn't shut up because I needed him to know that I was beyond impressed.

"It's called 'Arizona,'" he said, smirking again as if he had just made a joke. "It's an older tune but I've only recently learned to appreciate it."

"Well, I liked it. Do you write? Like other than for class?"

"Yeah, I write lyrics and music for the guitar. But before you ask, I am definitely not playing anything original for you. I don't have anything that's ready for an audience."

I sat down in an office chair across from him. "That's okay, I wouldn't want to put you on the spot like that. Thanks for playing, though. You make it look so easy."

He smiled and raised his hand from the fret board, motioning with his index finger for me to come over. I rolled over to him on the chair and he held out the guitar.

I shook my head. "I'll drop it or something."

He pushed it against my chest. "You will not, and anyway it's just an old beater, doesn't matter. C'mon, give it a shot. I believe I offered you some lessons and you said you'd try."

I wrapped my fingers around the fret board and waited for further instruction. He reached down between my knees and grabbed the seat of my chair, pulling me closer. He placed his hand over mine and moved it a little further over the neck.

"There. Heh, your hands are really cold," he said, his hand lingering over mine.

If anything, his touch only made me feel colder, as it sent goose bumps traveling up my arm. "Cold hands, warm heart." I felt like an idiot the moment I said it.

He smirked. "Yeah, so I've heard. Here, put your fingers like this." He positioned my fingers into what I later discovered was a G chord. "Okay, now strum."

I did and it sounded all right. He showed me another couple of chords and then had me play them in a progression. After a few tries it actually began to sound like a song.

I smiled like a dope. "Cool!"

"Yeah, you're doing pretty well. Now you just need to get yourself a guitar."

I strummed the little song a few more times before handing it back to him. Again he closed his hand over mine for a moment before pulling the guitar from me. I exhaled and tried to center myself—I was sure that I was reading too deeply into his actions. I could feel the calluses on his fingers from playing the guitar and I briefly imagined what those fingers would feel like on more sensitive parts of my body. As quickly as the thought arrived in my mind, I pushed it away.

"Well, that was fun, but to be honest, I don't see a career in music ahead of me," I said.

"You never know. Even just playing for fun is great. It's a stress reliever."

"Well, considering the number of instruments you play, you must be the most relaxed guy ever."

He had the most sincere laugh, and yet it always sounded like he was laughing at you a little bit, and not just with you. That wasn't necessarily a bad thing; it just gave his mostly pleasant and contagious laugh a mischievous edge.

"You'd think, but I've been neglecting the instruments lately. My muse had been elusive for quite some time, although she's started coming around again lately." He looked down at his lap and mussed his hair a bit.

"Well, I hope she sticks around. I wish I could say I sympathize, but I am still waiting for my muse to show up in the first place. What makes you write? Have you ever written a song about Rosalie?" I don't know why I asked that because I didn't want to know, and yet some sick part of me did, so that I could feel insanely jealous.

He looked down for moment, nervously. I felt bad, realizing that perhaps the question was inappropriate. Clearly I was still clouded over from the serenade.

"No, I haven't. I just—I don't set out to write about something or someone in particular, it just comes to me."

I was mildly disgusted by my own sense of relief, as if the fact that he never wrote a song about her meant anything. He got up and rested the guitar back against its stand. He turned around and I made quick study of his outfit for the hundredth time– a black screen printed 'Vive le Rock' t-shirt, well worn and riddled with holes, and a pair of dark blue Levi's which fit his body perfectly. He looked so different out of school. He never really blended there either, but when we were alone at his place it was the only time where he seemed truly three-dimensional.

"I haven't seen you around the Hales' place recently," I mentioned, hoping I wasn't sounding nosy.

"Rosalie and I are…" he hesitated for a moment. "We're cooling off for a bit."

I nodded slowly and tried not to grin from ear to ear. The fact that I even remotely wanted to disturbed me on a number of levels.

"Are you okay? Did you want to talk?" It still didn't feel totally natural to talk to Edward in such a casual and friendly manner, but I pushed myself to because I wanted us to get there at some point.

"Yeah, it was sort of a long time coming. I mean, I don't know." He squinted and then shook his head and looked down. "I probably shouldn't be talking about this to you."

I tried not to look offended, but it was hard, because _what was that supposed to mean?_

"Sorry, that sounded bad. It's just…" he turned to face me, and I momentarily got lost in his eyes. They were a deep green with amber flecks, and they always seemed a little sad. Even his smile was sad.

I cut him off. "Don't worry about it, I understand." I didn't, but I didn't want him to feel like he had to explain himself to me.

We sat for a few minutes under a heavy silence until finally Edward exhaled and stood up.

"I guess I should take you home, huh?"

I looked at my watch and was shocked to discover it was 9:30. "Yeah, thanks! Are you sure it's all right? I could always call Jasper."

"No, it's fine, I'll take you." He placed his hand gently on my back and led me upstairs.

My mind flashed to a vision of him pushing me against the wall and kissing me. I imagined his hands not just on my back, but everywhere, and I felt like shit for it. That kind of happened a lot when I was hanging out with him. Old habits really do die hard. When I was with Jasper, I rarely ever thought about Edward, but when we were alone…well three years of longing meant my brain was basically programmed to go _there. _But I felt as though the more time Jasper and I spent together, the less right I had to put myself in these situations with Edward. Unfortunately, I couldn't stop, because he was like a drug and the more I told myself to get over him, the more I found myself randomly waking from some Edward-induced coma wondering what the hell happened.

"Bella?" Angela practically shouted in my face. "Earth to Bella!"

I blushed realizing I was in one of those comas yet again.

"Do you want to get dinner or what?" Alice asked.

"Uh, sorry, yeah, let's go eat."

We went to Johnny Rockets and ate burgers, and then we all piled into Alice's car to head home. Alice dropped Jess and Angela off first and when we got to my house I asked her if she wanted to come in for a bit.

We had been sitting in my room listening to music for nearly an hour when I finally got the guts to ask her a question that had been burning in my mind for a while.

"Ali, does sex hurt? Like the first time?"

She turned from the bookshelf she was perusing and smirked. She plopped down on the bed next to me and sighed. "Yeah. Well, I suppose it's different for everyone, but I thought it hurt. But the good thing is, it's only for a bit. Like it just kind of stings and then after a bit it goes away. It's really not a big deal."

I nodded slowly. "And, like, does it matter how big the guy is?"

"It probably does a bit, but, Bells, don't worry, Jasper's python will not do any permanent damage."

I smacked her arm and frowned. "Gross! That's not what I meant. Well, okay it is, but you didn't have to put it like that."

Alice's face turned serious. "I think you should do it, Bella. Get it over with. And honestly, I don't think Jasper would be the worst person to do it with. I'm not even talking about how hot he is or whatever, either. I meant what I said earlier, I think that he actually really likes you."

"How would I even know? I mean, he's so charming, sometimes I wonder if everything he says to me, he's said a thousand times before to other girls."

"Yeah, I know, but there's something about the way he is with you. I mean, even the fact that you've been spending so much time together and you haven't even had sex yet…I don't know, but from what I've heard that doesn't really happen with Jasper."

I tried not to grin too widely at that statement, but it warmed my insides thoroughly. Alice noticed of course and laughed.

"You're cute. So yeah, just do it, get it over with, and then you and Jasper can hump like monkeys all summer and maybe it'll inspire Angela to at least look at Ben's penis. Hey, I love this song what is it?"

"Oh, it's from this playlist Edward made me. It's called 'Playground Love.' The band is Air. I love it."

"Huh," Alice said, getting up from the bed.

She went over to my dresser and scrolled through the iPod.

"Bella, what kind of witchcraft have you been engaging in recently?" she asked, putting the iPod back on the dresser.

"What are you talking about?"

"Well, for practically three years the extent of your sexual activity occurred in your brain while staring at Edward. Now, in a matter of a few weeks you are hooking up with the illustrious sex-in-a-Mustang and you've got Edward making you love playlists."

"Shut the fuck up, Al, it's not a love playlist. I was at his place and I commented that I really liked his music, so he offered to make me a playlist," I said, scooting further back on the bed to lean against the wall.

"What-the-fuck-ever, Bella. God, I don't even know half these songs and I can tell what this is."

"Al, he's given me no indication that he likes me."

"Right. Besides the fact that he never talked to you before like, a month ago, and now has you over at his house like, every day to work on some stupid Bio project that you could have finished in like a week."

"It's a big project, Alice, and his grades are important to him."

"And when you're over there, how much time each night do you spend working on the project?"

I blushed and she smiled smugly. "Yeah, like I said."

"We get along. I think he just likes me as a friend."

"All right, Bells, I am not going to try to talk you out of your delusional state, just have fun with that little triangle, okay?"

"No triangle, Alice. He's still with Rosalie, you know."

"Right, and more importantly you're still with Jasper," she said, looking at me pointedly.

"I guess you could say that," I said, frowning.

"Bella, Jasper is…how he is…and you need to face that that's part of the reason you like him, and also that he's just one of those guys that isn't going to come around quickly. You should be caring more about the way he is with you, and not the label he puts on you."

"I know, Al, but come on. When you spend a lot of time with someone, and you're intimate with him, and you really like him, it's nice to hear him tell people you're his girlfriend, even if it is just a stupid label."

She sighed. "I know, Bells, but I suppose you can't choose who you fall for. Just be patient with him. If he doesn't come around, you've got Edward waiting in the wings."

We both laughed at that, but her words stuck with me long after she left. My mind really couldn't comprehend the possibility of Edward liking me, but I couldn't help but think about it, surprised at the mixed feelings I had about it all. Just when I thought I was really getting over the stupid crush, Alice's comments brought out that fluttery feeling in my stomach.

I washed up and got into bed, resolving not to think about Edward and not to read too much into the stupid playlist or what Alice had said. Nothing had changed, really, and I needed to remember that. I attempted to absolve myself by texting Jasper.

I typed, _What are you up to?, _and hit send. He responded a few moments later.

_Thinkin' about your pretty face. And looking at James' ugly one. You?_

I laughed and wrote back. _Going to bed, just wanted to say hi._

A moment later I received another.

_Night, baby. Have some sexy dreams about me. Write them down in the morning._

I shook my head and put my phone on the dresser and turned the light off.

. . .

The next day I met up with Jasper after school for a bit before heading to Edward's to finish the display for our project. As I was leaving Edward's I got a text from Alice saying that she couldn't drive me home after school on Thursday but that she wanted to come over a little later. I told her I'd be home and to come whenever.

Around 4:30, she arrived at my door, with a big pink garment bag.

"Hey what's going on? Why did you bring your dress?" I asked.

"Let's go upstairs," she said, storming past me and up the stairs.

I followed her and closed my door behind me once in my room.

"What's going on, Ali?'

She hung the bag up on the back of my drawer and yanked the plastic up, revealing the gray and purple dress from the other day.

"Alice…what is this?" I asked, knowing full well if she had bought it for herself she would not have come here to brag about it.

"It's yours, babe! Can I say 'no questions asked'?"

"Huh, yeah, right. Alice, tell me you did not buy me this dress."

"I didn't, it's…will you accept that it's from a secret admirer?"

"Absolutely not. What's going on, Alice? Where did this dress come from?"

"_Fine_. Jasper bought it for you. He asked me at the bonfire to get you to pick a dress and then he gave me the money."

A lump rose in my throat and I stared at the dress. "I…"

"Bella, he wanted you to have a nice dress. Just be happy, okay?"

"I can't take this dress. I know how much it cost," I said, running my fingers down the skirt and along the hem.

"He didn't care about the money, Bella. Just take it take it. It was a nice gesture."

I stared at it a bit longer before pulling the plastic over it again.

"Thanks for doing this, Alice. I should probably go thank Jasper."

She jumped up and wrapped her arms around my neck. "Yes! Good girl! Okay, I'll see you later!"

She let herself out and I took another look at the dress before pulling it off the hook on my door.

I grabbed my phone and called Jasper.

_"Hellooo, gorgeous,"_ he answered.

"Hey, can I come over for a sec?"

"_Yeah, I'm here. Everything okay? Need me to pick you up?"_

"No, don't worry about it, I'll just drive. See you in a bit."

I hung up and headed downstairs, hoping to get out of the house undetected. Of course, Renee was hanging out in the kitchen and spotted the pink monstrosity immediately.

"What's that?" she asked as I headed to the garage door. I paused with my hand on the handle for a moment before turning around.

"It's a dress."

"I see that. I recognize the brand too, hon. Is it yours?" she asked, looking at me quizzically.

"Well, yeah. I didn't buy it. Jasper had Alice buy it for me."

Her eyes nearly popped out of her skull. "Really? He bought you a dress? What for?"

"The Junior/Senior dance. I guess I mentioned Alice and Jess wanted me to go to Betsey Johnson with them to try on dresses and the next thing I know, Alice brings this over for me. He told her to get me to pick one and then he gave her money to buy it."

"Oh, honey, that's really sweet." She stuck out her lower lip and placed her hand over her heart. "May I see it?"

I lifted the plastic and showed her the dress. "Mom, I can't accept this. It's so expensive."

"I know it probably feels wrong, baby. But that was a very nice thing for him to do. He must have been able to afford it."

"I know, but still…"

"It's such a beautiful dress. I bet it looks great on you. But do you what you need to, baby. Just please be gracious, it was a thoughtful gesture."

I nodded. "I am going over to his house now. I'll be back in a bit."

"Okay, honey," she said, "and no falling asleep."

I laughed and headed to my truck. I got in and carefully laid the dress across the bench seat. I turned the key in the ignition and the truck sputtered to life. I pulled out and made my way rather slowly to Jasper's place.

When I arrived, I parked behind his car and headed to the front door with the dress carefully draped over my arm. When I knocked, the Reverend answered.

"Oh hello, Bella. How are you?" he asked, smiling his TV smile. His blond hair was slicked back and he was even more tan than the last time I saw him. He was dressed neatly in a black Lacoste polo shirt and a pair of khakis. Between his and Mrs. Hale's beauty queen genes it really was no wonder Jasper and Rose were so attractive.

"I'm good, thank you. How are you?"

"Basking in the glory of the Lord, dear. I can never complain. I guess you're here to see Jasper? Mrs. Hale and I were on our way out, but I believe he's out back."

Just as he finished speaking, Jasper and Mrs. Hale came walking into the hall from the kitchen. Mrs. Hale smiled when she saw me. She was wearing one of her typical pastel power suits with a huge set of pearls. Her hair was piled high on her head and if possible, blonder than ever.

"Bella, hon, how are you?" she asked.

"I'm okay, thank you."

She smiled again and turned to Jasper, "All right, shug, we'll be back around 10. Make sure your sister knows we're waiting for that call."

Jasper nodded and waved as his parents left the house. Once the door was closed he looked pointedly at the dress before giving me a kiss.

"To what do I owe the pleasure? I feel like it must be serious if you felt the need to break out Chitty Chitty Bang Bang."

I laughed at the joke but then quickly assumed a serious face, holding up the dress.

"Jasper, I just can't accept this."

"What's that?" he asked.

"Don't play dumb."

He sighed. "I kind of asked Alice not to say whom it was from."

"Yeah, right, like I wasn't going to pry that out of her." I tilted my head up and kissed him on the jaw. "I love it, and it was so sweet of you, but I can't take it, Jasper."

"Yes, you can. I'm not taking it back. And I'll be horribly offended if you try to make me. And I'm not going to the dance with you unless you wear that dress."

"Jasper…"

Before I could finish, Rose walked into the hallway from the kitchen.

She looked at me, and then her eyes traveled to the dress.

"What's the Betsey for?" she asked.

"Um…well, Jasper kind of bought it for me."

She sneered at him and then at me. "Why?"

"For the Junior/Senior dance."

Another sneer at Jasper. "Ugh, are you kidding me? Tell me you're not going to that dance. You won't even get in, you're too old."

"There's no age limit, Rosalie," I practically whispered.

Her scathing glare shifted to me. "I. Know. I was joking. Why did Jasper have to buy you a dress?"

I was about to speak but Jasper beat me to it. "Because I wanted to. Go back to your cave Rosalie. You can't possibly be jealous, the Rev buys you a new dress every other day."

"I'm not jealous," she snarled, "I just don't see why you have to use Daddy's money to support _her. _There's a whole dress section at Wal-Mart, I'm sure."

Jasper grabbed my hand. "C'mon, ignore the bitch. She's just being nasty because she's upset that even her own boyfriend doesn't want to be around her."

"Fuck you!" she screamed, as Jasper led me up the stairs.

I shook my hand from Jasper's grip and turned to her. "Just so you know, I did not need him to buy me a dress, and I was not intending to accept it. But since he was kind enough to make such a selfless gesture, I'm thinking I will just take it, and not be an ungrateful bitch."

Rosalie blinked a couple of times and then turned on her heels and stormed back to the kitchen in a huff.

"Nice, Swan!" Jasper called from behind as I stormed up the stairs in front of him.

When we got to his room, I hung the dress on his door hand and turned to him.

"It wasn't exactly selfless," he said. "I have a feeling that dress will bring me more pleasure than you."

"Jasper, if I am willing to take the dress, could you just be willing to accept that you did something nice and sweet?"

"Fine. But I am offended you almost didn't keep it. I think you need to model it for me, or I may be tempted to take it back."

"You can't see it before the dance!" I whined.

"Honey, that only applies if it's a wedding dress. And if it is, I am definitely taking it back, and murdering Alice."

I laughed, and grabbed the dress. "Be right back."

He leaned against the door. "You can change in here. I've seen you in less than your skivvies."

"Well, it's different…."

"No, it's not," he said, unbuttoning my shirt. He pulled it off my shoulders and then moved to the button and zipper of my skirt.

I took a deep breath and grabbed the dress. I pulled it out from under the plastic and slipped it on. I turned around and Jasper zipped it up. He turned me back around and placed his hands on my hips and looked down.

"See, you had to have _that_ dress."

"Do you like it?"

"I'd like to think I'd like you in a burlap sack. But you really do look beautiful in this."

He cupped my face in his hands and kissed me, and then pulled away and smiled. "Never mind, it's ugly, take it off."

I laughed and turned for him to unzip me. Before I could get back into my clothes, he grabbed me and pulled me towards the bed. We spent a little while breaking several Hale house rules and then I told him I had to get dressed and get home for dinner.

He walked me to the truck and before I got in he said, "Listen, Rosalie and I are going to have a big party this weekend. The Rev and Mama Hale are going to be special guests of Jimmy Swaggart's in Baton Rouge this weekend. It's like they were invited to the Last Supper or some shit, so they're going to be gone all weekend. I know Rosalie is a bitch, but you're coming, right? Lots of kids from your school will be there."

I smiled. "Of course I'll come. Hopefully you won't get yourself arrested."

He shrugged. "Wouldn't be the first time."

I laughed and swatted him in the chest. "I don't want you to get locked up, but if you do, I'll bring you cigarettes and a shiv baked into a pie."

"Just the cigarettes and some nudie pics of you will do," he joked as he closed my door. He gave me a quick kiss and stepped back. "You sure you don't want me to tow you home?"

I flipped him off and pulled away.

. . .

Alice picked me up at nine on Saturday. Jess and Angela were already in the car, so we headed to Jasper's right after that. Phil had a game; he and Renee wouldn't be back home until late and I told them we were all sleeping over at Angela's. The party was well underway when we got there. We ran into Mike as soon as we got to the backyard, and he was already on his way to getting sloppy drunk. He was at the stage where he was overly happy to see all of us.

"_Ladieeeesss_," he slurred. "This party is going to be epic. Did you see all the booze?" He gestured to several stacked cases of beer and a keg by the cabana. I rolled my eyes, hoping the cops didn't end up showing. We chatted with Mike for a bit before scattering to get drinks and mingle.

The party was actually a lot of fun. There were tons of kids from school there, as well as all of Jasper's friends. I ended up talking to a lot of people that I had never really interacted with at school, particularly several of Edward's friends, who I was surprised to find were actually nice. Well, the guys and Carmen anyway. I didn't spend that much time talking to any of them, though, because I every time I found myself in a conversation with one of them, I would undoubtedly catch Rosalie glaring at me. She seemed to always be in my periphery.

Late in the evening, I found myself sitting next to Edward in front of the pool. We were talking about the Pacific Northwest, where he was from and where Charlie lived. I made a joke about him moving back there to become a lumberjack, mentioning that he owned enough plaid shirts and shitty jeans that he wouldn't even need to change his wardrobe. He laughed and dipped his hand in the water, splashing me with it.

I was wearing a white sundress and the cool water made me shiver when it landed on my thighs.

He laughed and apologized. "Sorry, but you deserved that," he said before swiping the water off my leg. The feel of his hand on my thigh made me shiver even more, and I think it showed in my expression and the sudden stiffening of my back.

He blanched a bit and swallowed. "Sorry. Again," he said, looking down at the pool.

Half a second later, Rose appeared next to us. "Edward, I need your help," she said in a terse voice. Edward hopped up, seeming almost happy to be called away.

He waved to me and followed Rose. I sat by the pool a little longer, talking to random people who happened to wander by. Jasper and I hung out sporadically throughout the night but he was playing host, and security, so he was pretty busy. I spent most of the night with Angela, Jess and Alice, although at some point Alice disappeared, most likely to make out with James and then Jess disappeared most likely to make out with…someone.

After a little while I wandered over to the cabana to get a drink from the mini fridge. Rose was leaning up against it talking to Victoria.

They both turned to me when I came over. I instantly wanted to turn and run, but instead I just took a deep breath and opened the fridge.

"Hey, Bella?" Rose said, her voice sounding oddly syrupy sweet.

_Ohhhh shit. _"Yes?" I said, smiling.

"I just want to apologize for the way Edward is acting. Vic and I were just talking about it," she said. Victoria nodded.

"Huh?"

"You know, he can be sort of condescending sometimes, treating you like a charity case or whatever. I told him he needs to stop acting like that, but he said he just feels bad for you, because of Jasper or whatever. I told him you were a big girl and that you probably knew what Jasper was like anyway. It's none of his business, but he just feels bad about Jasper using you. I told him maybe you were using each other and so he should just butt out, but he just can't stop. I'm sorry, I know no one likes to be pitied."

I just stood and stared for far too long, but I had no idea how to respond.

"Yeah, Edward has a tendency to pick up strays. No offense, hon. I know you're not one, but he seems to think you are," Victoria added.

Rose smiled. "I mean…you know what Jasper is after, right? You know what he's like, so you don't need Edward to feel bad for you, do you?"

I bit the inside of my cheek and tried to keep the tears from welling in my eyes. I still wasn't sure if they were from hurt or anger. "I'm not really sure what you're talking about."

"Oh, I just thought maybe Edward's pity friendship was getting on your nerves. It's been a bit excessive lately. I mean, he's just starting to be so obvious," Rose said, still smiling sweetly and giving me some sort of sympathetic look.

I backed away from them. "Huh. Yeah, well…. Whatever, it's not like Edward and I talk that much outside of our Bio project, so uh… yeah, it's no big deal. But yeah, you can tell him that I can take care of myself. I'm not sure why he's so interested, anyway. He must be really bored with his life."

Rosalie's expression darkened and Victoria squinted at me. Before they had a chance to respond I turned and left quickly.

Suddenly everything made sense… from Edward paying attention to me out of nowhere, to his initial warning to me, before he even knew me, to asking me to partner with him, to all his knowing glances when we were at the Hales' house… all of it pointed to him trying to form some kind of anti-Hale bond. But I never imagined it was out of pity, out of concern that I was being bamboozled by Jasper. I didn't want to believe that the friendship I had formed with Edward was nothing more than him feeling bad for me, and I knew that Rosalie was mostly full of shit and a jealous bitch, but some of the stuff she said, I just couldn't overlook.

I sat down on a lounger and reflected on what Rosalie said. Somehow I managed to keep a straight face and to not get emotional. I could have cried merely out of embarrassment, but I refused to give Rosalie the satisfaction.

I wandered around the pool and leaned against the fence at the back of the yard. Mike came over and made drunken conversation for a while before he caught sight of Tyler and ran over to wrestle him to the ground. A familiar song came over the speakers and it seemed as though someone turned the volume up. It was Van Morrison's "Brown Eyed Girl." I smiled, remembering the conversation I had with Jasper about it the first time we hung out together.

Suddenly the crowd in front of me parted a bit, and Jasper appeared, smiling at me. He sauntered over mouthing the lyrics. I smiled as I looked him over—his outfit was truly delicious: a pair of snug black jeans, a white button down with sleeves rolled up and a black vest. As he came closer, I realized he was singing, and he continued to sing as he arrived in front of me.

_Laughing and a running hey, hey_

_Skipping and a jumping _

_In the misty morning fog with _

_Our hearts a thumpin' and you _

_My brown eyed girl, _

_You, my brown eyed girl_

I smiled and looked away, still feeling a little bummed and now slightly warier. He knelt down and deposited his beer on the ground. When he stood back up he grabbed my face and kissed my nose.

"You look sad, Brown Eyes. It's killing me. I'm sorry I've been so busy playing Martha Stewart. I'm done looking after these bastards now."

"It's okay, I knew you'd be busy tonight," I said.

He let go of my face and pulled my hair forward over my shoulders. "You look way too beautiful to be sitting here alone. This is a tragedy." He ran a finger over my collarbone before settling his hands on my waist. He stooped a bit and pressed his face against the side of mine, gently swaying me to the music.

When he kissed me, a little bit of the Rosalie-induced black cloud lifted. I didn't know about all the stuff she'd said about Edward, but I just _knew_ she was wrong about Jasper. Maybe I was stupidly optimistic or easily had, but I didn't care. I had always trusted my feelings before and I had gotten by okay without anyone telling me what to feel, so I decided not to sell myself out now. I almost wanted to thank Rosalie for making what I said next so much easier.

"Jasper…can we go upstairs?"

My hands moved up his chest to his shoulders and I held his gaze, wanting to him to understand what I was really asking.

With a questioning expression on his face, he slowly responded, "Sure...everything okay?"

I nodded and he reached up to his shoulder and pulled my hand into his. We walked hand-in-hand towards the house. We went inside and headed to his room, and when we got there he closed the door quietly behind us.

"Did you want to talk?" he asked, gently grabbing my hips.

I shook my head.

My heart was racing and the longer we stood there the harder it became to breathe. We stared at each other for a moment before he removed his hand from my hip and moved it to the back of my neck. He tugged my hair a bit to tilt my head back and then he kissed me with more force than he ever had before.

As we kissed, he pushed himself against me, forcing me to step backward until we hit the door. The minute my back made contact with it, his mouth moved over my neck, my collarbone, my chest, and my shoulders, moistening every inch of exposed skin.

My hand left his waist and moved lower, searching desperately for his erection.

"Jesus," he hissed in my ear when I found it.

I fumbled for his button and undid it but before I got to his zipper he yanked my arms up and pulled my dress over my head. He threw it on the floor and I followed suit, first reaching up to pull the vest off his shoulders and then frantically undoing the buttons of his shirt. As I removed his shirt, he reached behind me and unclasped my bra. Before he could get his hands on me, I was kissing my way down his bare chest. When I hit the waist of his jeans, I dropped to my knees and unzipped them and pulled them down. I kissed and rubbed his erection over his boxer-briefs, and he let out a long groan, leaning back against the door with a thud. I pulled his boxer-briefs down, and as I took him in my mouth, he brought one hand to his forehead, drawing a sharp breath in through his teeth. He moaned and hissed when I dug my fingers into his thigh. I realized as I was going down on him that he probably thought that was all I wanted to do, so I continued only for a few more minutes before releasing him from my mouth and standing up again.

"What's wrong?" he whispered, pulling me into his me into his arms.

"Nothing," I said, tilting my head up to kiss him.

He sucked on my lower lip and then pushed his tongue into my mouth as he turned us around and backed me up against the door again. His hand grazed over my breasts before slipping into my panties. I dropped the kiss for a moment when I felt his fingers inside of me.

"Ohhh…" I whispered, "Jasperrrrr." I dragged out the "r" in his name for an unreasonably long time, because his thumb was starting to work its magic externally and I was having trouble maintaining my composure.

He brought his lips to my ear, his warm breath making me shiver. "Why did you stop?"

I couldn't answer him immediately; I tried but nothing came out. I placed my hands on his shoulders and dug my nails into them. "Because…" was all I could choke out as I pushed my pelvis towards him.

He kept moving his hand faster and faster, and I became fully focused on trying not to make any weird noises. Finally against my better judgment, I tried to form a sentence.

"W-w… wai…Jas…oh, Go…wait…"

He ignored me and kept going until I felt my legs nearly give out beneath me.

"Wait…" I managed to find my voice.

He stopped and stared, waiting for an explanation.

I looked up at him and tried to find the words. _Just say it!_

"I stopped because I want…" I started, but trailed off as I ran my finger down his chest.

"To fuck?" he asked matter-of-factly, running his fingers through my hair.

It took me back a bit, but I nodded anyway.

His eyes searched mine for a moment and then he pulled me over to the bed and nudged me onto my back. He leaned over me, propped on one elbow and we stared intently at each other for a few moments while our hands explored. When his moved between my legs, I gasped and pulled him close to me, craning my neck slightly to indicate that I wanted him to kiss me. He kissed my chin and around my lips a few times before moving his mouth over mine and pushing it open with his tongue. He withdrew his hand again and shifted so that he was entirely on top of me, his elbows on either side of my head, propping me up.

He buried his hands in my hair and gently began to massage my scalp. I tilted my head back, moving my mouth from his, and moaned a little bit. "Wow, that feels good."

He focused his attention on my neck, kissing, sucking, and biting it. If I had any doubt left, Jasper was most definitely erasing it. In fact, I felt a little antsy, wanting him move faster. I brought my hands to his sides and gently ran my fingertips from his hips to his underarms and back down. He sighed and brought his lips back to mine. Instead of kissing me, he spoke.

"Are you sure about this?" he whispered, kissing me as soon as he finished speaking.

I nodded. "Now."

I felt his hand between my legs, his fingers pushing into me a moment later. Again he groaned and if it was possible, the intensity of the kiss increased. I continued to run my fingers along the soft skin of his back, his shoulders, and his hips. He sat up abruptly leaning back on his heels. He grabbed the waistband of my underwear, on either side of my hips, and pulled them down. He dragged them slowly to my ankle, caressing my legs as he went. He tossed them next to us and turned back to me. I closed my eyes, not wanting to see him looking at me. He was quiet and still for a moment before I felt his hands slide up my thighs and then his face was in front of mine.

"You okay?" he asked me, running his fingers over my scalp again.

"Yes," I whispered, making sure my voice did not imply any vacillation.

He kissed me for entirely too long. I practically wanted to shout, "Just put it in!" I had thought about it too much and the anticipation was starting to drive me crazy.

Finally, he sat up again and reached for the drawer next to the bed. I knew all too well what lay inside. He pulled the condom from the drawer and when he tore the wrapper open I stared up at the ceiling, mainly because I felt like a perv watching him put it on, but also because I didn't want to laugh, thinking about how far that Magnum and I had come since we first met.

Jasper lay back down on top of me and I could feel him between my legs. My heart sped up and when he began to kiss me again I tried to savor it, no longer feeling like I was in such a hurry to get started. Of course, moments later he moved his hand beneath my thigh, pulling it up before moving to do the same with the opposite thigh. He ground himself against me a few times, moaning my name, before I felt him move his hands between us to position himself.

I arched my head back and squeezed my eyes shut, not sure if I was bracing for the pain or for the finality of my decision. I remembered Alice's words. _This isn't a big deal_. I focused on the music I could hear filtering upstairs and through the closed window from the backyard. It was both upbeat and haunting at the same time, and I distracted myself by trying to make out the lyrics

_Control yourself, take only what you need from it..._

"Bella," Jasper said, breaking my concentration.

"Yeah?" My throat was dry.

_The water is warm, but it's sending me shivers..._

"Are you ready?"

_Memories fade, like looking through a fogged mirror..._

"Yes."

I lost my focus on the music. Alice was right. It hurt. It stung. It burned. It felt, oddly enough, not very sexy.

Jasper was already moaning and groaning and I was mildly annoyed because it never hurt for guys and they weren't the ones being all intruded on. It pretty much started out downright uncomfortable, and I turned my face to the side and closed my eyes and wondered how long the whole thing generally took.

Before I could stop myself a strained, "Ow," escaped my lips.

Jasper halted and turned my face to his. "Are you okay? Does it hurt?"

"Yes, and…a little bit."

He smoothed my hair and kissed me. "I'll go slower for a bit. Tell me how it feels."

He moved at a pace that was probably painfully slow for him, but I appreciated it. All the while he kept his mouth against my ear, occasionally whispering my name and complimenting my genitalia, which I suppose was meant to either flatter me or turn me on.

After a few minutes though, the stinging and general discomfort had ceased and I started to understand what all the fuss was about. Slowly, his voice in my ear started to sound sexier. His dog tags brushed against my neck and sent shivers down my spine. I started to want him to move a little faster and to touch me a little more. At first I just moved my hips along with his a little bit. It wasn't much but it drew a deep moan from him. As I became more acclimated to the whole deal, I reached down and placed my hands on his hips—at first just resting them there and eventually pushing him into me, digging my nails into his skin.

"Does it still hurt?" he asked, his voice strained as though he had forgotten to take a breath.

"No, I'm okay now," I responded.

He picked up the pace instantly and I arched my back, gasping his name through gritted teeth. He moved his mouth to my chest and I fisted both hands into his hair. He alternated between my breasts a few times before kissing his way back to my mouth. He moved his hands down my waist and hips to my thighs and pulled my legs up. I quickly wrapped them around his waist and he slid his hands to my ass and pulled me against him.

It was at that point that I realized Alice was wrong—it _was_ a big deal. Maybe I was just a dork, but kissing him and feeling him inside me was pretty damn special. I had never felt more connected to another person. I knew Jasper had done this a lot before, but I couldn't imagine that he didn't feel it, too, on some level.

"Jasper," I moaned, pulling my mouth from his. "It feels good now."

"Fuck…Bella," he practically grunted, "Jesus, you're amazing."

I felt fairly sure that was a standard emotion for guys during sex, but it felt good to hear it, nonetheless. He began to move faster so I clenched my legs tighter around his waist and gripped his shoulders. His breath became ragged and his hands slid to my back. He pulled me tightly against him and sat up, repositioning me in his lap. I wrapped my arms around his neck and threaded my fingers into his hair. His hands dropped to my hips, guiding my movements.

"Oh my God…" I whispered, the new position nearly taking my breath away.

Jasper began to groan and dig his fingers into my hips, his breath became erratic and finally when he bucked against me and held me in place, moaning my name, I knew he was climaxing.

After a taking a moment to catch his breath he let go of my hips and ran his hands gently up and down my back. He nuzzled his face against the side of mine, his nose tickling me along my jaw and ear before I felt his lips press against my temple. I collapsed into his chest and rested my head on his shoulder. He softly traced lines up and down my spine for a few moments before leaning back and grabbing my chin. I sat up straight and he took my face in his hands. He pushed my sweaty hair from my neck and forehead and then leaned forward to kiss me. He ran his thumb underneath my lip and along my jaw as we kissed.

"You look beautiful," he whispered.

I smiled and looked away, taken slightly aback by the compliment, but he tugged my chin again, forcing me to face him. He kissed me a few more times before he reached down between us and removed the condom. He nudged me off his lap and I crawled up the bed and pulled back the covers.

"I'll be right back," Jasper said. He left the room completely naked, I assume to go to the washroom, and I prayed he wouldn't run into anyone on the way.

I snuggled under the blankets and waited for him to return, I was exhausted but not tired. A few minutes later Jasper slipped back into the room, cupping himself with one hand.

I laughed and said, "You think that would make much of a difference if you ran into someone in the hall?"

He smiled and shrugged. "No one's out there, I just felt like it was the polite thing to do."

He walked over and pulled the comforter back and climbed in. "I guess you don't want to go back to the party," he said.

"Not really. Do you?"

"Nah," he said absentmindedly, staring up at the ceiling.

"Jasper?"

"Huh?"

"Is everything okay?" I asked. I suddenly felt nervous and I wasn't sure I wanted to hear the answer.

It took him a moment to register but then he turned to me and smiled. "Of course. Everything is perfect." He opened his arms and I crawled into them.

We lay there for quite a while not speaking. I played with his dog tags and he twirled a lock of my hair around his finger.

Finally I decided to break the silence. I had a feeling that guys probably didn't like to discuss and analyze sex, particularly right after the act, but I just had to know.

"Was it okay?"

He rolled over and stared at me, his eyes looking a little sad. He rubbed my shoulder and smiled. "Honey, it was better than okay, don't you worry about that. How did you feel?"

I wanted to tell him that it was amazing, that I had never felt so close to him, that it was an incredibly special moment for me, but I knew enough about guys and about Jasper to know those kinds of declarations would most likely elicit a disappointing response.

Instead I opted for a simpler truth. "I liked it. I guess not so much at first, but definitely by the end."

He laughed and his eyes scanned my face for a few moments. "You're too fucking cute, you know that?" he asked, before kissing me. "It only gets better after the first time. So I've heard anyway. For guys it's pretty much awesome right from the get-go."

I laughed at his confirmation of my earlier thoughts. In once sense I guess Alice and Jessica were right– it was probably a good thing to just get the first time over with—but against my better judgment and Rosalie's bitch observations, I felt more satisfied knowing that it was with Jasper. Perhaps I should have been unnerved that I felt this way despite the fact that he still didn't even call me his girlfriend, or that he had a 'reputation', or that his sister heavily implied he was using me, but I wasn't. I was just happy.

I finally began to feel sleepy, so I decided to turn my thoughts off for the night. When Jasper rolled onto his back, I rested my head on his chest, wrapped my leg around his, and drifted into a contented sleep.

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**Bella and Jasper bone out to "Kids" by MGMT in this chapter. I chose the song for one particular verse that I did not put in the chapter. If you're interested google it or come on the thread, I'll post the lyrics there: www(DOT)twilighted(DOT)net(slash)forum(slash)viewtopic(dot)php?f=44&t=4053&st=0&sk=t&sd=a (there is a link in my profile as well).**

**I suck at review replies—I am really sorry, I just try to spend most of my time writing because I AM REALLY SLOW. If you have specific questions or whatever, come to the thread or PM me. I'll try to answer if I can.**


	15. 1 Peter 2:1

**I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.**

**HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOR / SENSECOALITION ILYYYY**

**Legna989 betas this bad boy. RedCupcakeFace listens to me throw monster hissy fits and swears she doesn't judge me for it. Read my author's note at the end bc it's kind of a BIG DEAL.

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_"So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander."_

_**1 Peter 2:1

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_**Edward Cullen**_

"What about this one?" Bella asked, holding up "Hot Rocks."

"Very good choice," I said, grabbing the record from her and placing the fourth one on the turntable. I positioned the needle to "You Can't Always Get What You Want," because I liked the song and not because it was so very fucking true.

Bella and I were again playing the "working on a Bio project" game. We'd finished the piece we had to work on two hours ago, and were now sitting on the floor in my bedroom, going through my records. Bella was awed that I actually listened to vinyl records, and that I actually had more of them than I did CDs. I luckily inherited many from Carlisle and from my grandfather, but the rest represented a lot of money and time spent scouring record stores all over the North America, and technically the world, if you counted online auctions. I found collecting to be an oddly fulfilling hobby. There was nothing quite like finding a rare record you had been searching for forever, and the cracks and pops in the ditches of old favorites always managed to transport me back to Forks, invoking memories of lying on my bed, listening to the music and the rain against my window.

"I like these little ones," she said, holding up a Sex Pistols' "Spunk" 7".

"Yeah, but we can't listen to that one," I said, gingerly removing it from her hand and placing it on my shelf.

"Why not? It looks interesting."

"Because it's an original pressing, mint condition, and never played. It's worth around $300 and the minute you take it out and play it, the value decreases drastically."

Her eyes nearly popped out of her skull. It was cute.

"Three hundred! For this little thing? Wow, you are seriously committed to this record collecting business, huh?"

"Well, I tell myself it's a good investment because their value only increases if they are taken care of, but honestly, I could never sell any of them. But it's fun, having something rare and valuable. A piece of the music from when it was still new."

I felt like a geek, going on about my records, but she seemed to be genuinely interested. Genuineness was something Bella never ceased to convey, and it was probably the reason I liked to be around her so much. She never seemed to have an agenda, which was actually a pretty rare thing to find in the little bubble in which I existed. She smiled at me and pushed her hair behind her ears.

"I think it's really cool that you are so into music. I am so grateful for all the stuff you've already introduced me to. I would never have known where to look for good music."

I laughed, "Yeah, I guess I'm a bit of a pusher. So, you liked the playlist?" I asked. She had told me before that she liked it, but I wondered if after listening for a while, she had heard anything deeper in the songs I chose for her.

My only hope that she did was in the way her eyes darted quickly from mine, to her lap before she looked back up, her expression bright and innocent again. "Yeah, it's great. I was familiar with a lot of the older stuff like the Stones and The Beatles, but most of it I hadn't heard. I don't think there is a song I don't like."

I smiled, relieved to hear that she shared my taste, not that it would have made a difference if she hadn't.

When "Wild Horses" came on, she leaned back against the bed and closed her eyes. It was moments like these when I almost regretted asking her to work on this project. It was nearly impossible not to lean over and run my fingers over her lips, down her neck, and through her hair. I had never wanted to kiss her so badly. So many times I dared myself, wondering what would happen if I did. In the end I always decided it would be beneficial to be careful with Bella, at least until I was more certain I'd get a favorable reaction from her.

She was wearing a navy camisole, with a little ruffle along the top and bottom and a pair of white shorts. She dressed pretty simply compared to Rosalie and her friends, and even her own friends for that matter, but she always looked amazing. For once I was thankful we lived a burning hot desert that allowed me the opportunity to study every inch of her flawless milky skin. I wanted to press my nose against her neck and inhale her scent. Not her perfume, or her shampoo, just her.

"I love this song," she said after a minute or two. "It's so sad."

"It's kind of funny how sad songs are so appealing. Seems kind of weird that we'd take pleasure in something that brings us down doesn't it?"

"I guess. I suppose it just depends on what mood you're in already. I think when I am sad, sometimes I like to listen to stuff I can relate to."

"So, does that mean you are sad now?"

She smiled. "No. It's funny actually, sometimes when I am happy I like sad songs as well, because they remind me how lucky I am to feel happy."

And again, I wanted push her on to the floor and kiss every inch of her exposed skin, before moving beneath what little clothing she was wearing. I shifted, trying to push the images from my mind before they began to incite a physical response.

We sat in comfortable silence for a little while, listening to the music. At least it was outwardly comfortable; internally I was just trying to keep the dirty thoughts at bay. Had she been given a glimpse of my thoughts, I would imagine the silence would have taken a turn toward really fucking awkward. Finally, she got up and said she had to head home. I walked her out to her truck and then went back in the house. Carlisle was home and he tried to engage me in conversation but I couldn't concentrate, still feeling a little flushed and uneasy from my earlier fantasizing. I excused myself to my room and immediately occupied myself with putting my records away. After I finished, I plugged my iPod into the docking station and put on The Beta Band, hoping they could help me relax. I flopped onto my bed and tried to get lost in the music.

Instead, I got lost in the same image that almost always appeared when I closed my eyes. It was as if it was burned behind my eyelids—my go-to fantasy, my favorite place. I immediately saw Bella's legs, or more accurately her thighs, all soft and white and welcoming. It was a vision pulled from real life, from a time she was at my house in a pale yellow sundress that rested mid-thigh when she stood, but rode further up when she sat next to me on my bed. I am not sure if stared then, but I guess I must have because I managed to memorize every inch of her skin down to a freckle on the inside of her thigh, a few inches up from her knee. I vividly recalled the way the hem of the dress slid along them, and I wondered if it tickled her. I wanted to mimic the movement of the fabric with my fingers while my other hand pushed the dress further toward her hips. As always, the closer I came in my mind to seeing what lie beneath the wispy yellow fabric, the more uncomfortable I became. Independent of my brain, my hand moved slowly down my abdomen, as I tried to control my breathing.

Sometimes I could shake the image after a few minutes and distract myself with something else, but frequently there was only one way to free myself from it. I allowed my mind to continue, my hand to keep pushing on her dress while the other moved over my pants, over my erection, up and down. By the time my mouth was on the inside of her knee, my jeans were unbuttoned and I was stroking myself in earnest. From there it became a fast and furious barrage of visions and emotions, all scattered and random. The feeling of my tongue dragging along her inner thigh, her skin between my teeth_, desperation, need_, the moist cotton of her panties, _desire_, her warm slick skin beneath my fingertips, _hopelessness, frustration_, her contented sighs, her teeth against her lower lip, _passion bordering on rage_, my lips against hers, between her legs, her fingers in my hair, pressing against my scalp, her hips bucking towards me, _ecstasy_, and finally release.

As I came, I breathed her name, almost inaudibly. As embarrassing as it was, it was all part of my release. I needed to say it, needed to hear it out loud.

I lay there for a moment, panting heavily, content with the silence in my head and the blankness behind my eyes. When my heart rate slowed, I got out of bed. I yanked my shirt, jeans and boxers off and tossed them in the hamper. I threw on a pair of sweat pants, grabbed a towel from behind the door and headed to the shower.

. . .

On Friday I ran into Bella in hallway after school. I had just gotten changed for a game, and I was coming out of the guys' locker room. I quickly turned the corner after exiting and nearly slammed into her.

"Shit! Sorry," I said, grabbing her arm to steady her, even though we hadn't actually made contact.

"Heh, almost sorry, you mean. Sorry, I wasn't even paying attention. I should never text and walk."

"That's dangerous even for the highly coordinated," I said.

She quickly flashed me a mock frown, before smiling again. "Game?"

"Yeah, Bourgade."

"Break a leg, or whatever you say to sports people. Hey, will you be at Rosalie and Jasper's party on Saturday?" she asked.

"Oh, yeah, we're all going. Are you bringing your friends?"

"Yeah, I think everyone is going. I think it's going to be really fun," she said, not even attempting to mask her enthusiasm.

"All right, well, I'll see you there, okay?" I said, backing away towards the parking lot doors.

"Yep, have a good game!"

We slaughtered Bourgade, as expected, and I was in a pretty good mood after the game. Eli and I decided to go see a band play downtown that evening, so we both went home to shower and eat before meeting again later.

I was just about to head back out when the phone rang. I grabbed the cordless off the kitchen counter and answered.

"Hello?"

"_Guess whoooo,"_ Emmett said.

"Hey, please tell me you're not calling about money."

"_No, I'm not, I doubled that shit you sent me last time, I'm good."_

"For once, the odds are working in your favor."

Emmett laughed. _"So listen, I'm gonna be home next week. Are you excited?"_

"Maybe, depends on how much of an asshole you decide to be, and how much of my money you decide to steal."

"_Aww, I love you too. Listen; pick me up at the airport on Thursday, okay? I want Mom to be surprised when she sees her favorite son walk through the door."_

I snorted. "You're such an ass. Email me your flight info, I'll be there."

"_Aigggght, homie, and dude, call me Thursday morning and make sure I get on the plane cause I'm gonna be drunk from now until then."_

I was about to speak when Emmett cut me off with a loud whistle.

"_That's what I am talking about! Fuck, I love life."_

"What's going on?"

"_Two chicks are making out. I can't wait for you to go to college, baby bro."_

I rolled my eyes. "Is that all you called for? Because I'm on my way out."

"Two chicks_, ya big homo. And yeah, that was it, see ya Thursday."_

"All right, later, Em," I said, hanging up.

I grabbed my keys and headed to meet Eli downtown. The show was forgettable apart from the band we had wanted to see, so we left early and went to a diner to hang out. As soon as we sat down, Rosalie called me.

"What's up?" I answered, after seeing her name on the call display.

_"Hey, there's so much to do for this party tomorrow I am like, freaking out. Can we go shopping early tomorrow, like before noon?"_

"I can't go shopping tomorrow, Rosalie. I'm going to a soccer game with Carlisle."

She was silent for a moment.

"_Well, what time are you going to be done?"_

"Rose, I'll be over in the evening, with Eli and them. Maybe you and Vic can go shopping for stuff."

Another long silence.

"_Fine. Later."_ _Click_.

As I hung up the phone, the waitress arrived at our table to take our orders. Eli ordered a burger and a Coke, and I asked for the same, since I hadn't even looked at the menu. As soon as she left our table, Eli squinted at me.

"So, what's up with you and Rosebud?"

Rosebud was one of Jasper's many nicknames for Rosalie, and it caught on like wildfire. She banned everyone from saying it but occasionally it slipped out, when she wasn't around.

"Huh?" I played dumb.

"You guys have been kind of…cold for a little while. Trouble in paradise?"

"Paradise? Really, was it ever paradise?"

Eli chuckled. "Right. Trouble in purgatory?"

"No. I mean." I hesitated for a moment. I had promised Rosalie I'd see it through until graduation, mostly for appearances, but I figured Eli didn't really care about all that bullshit and I knew he probably wouldn't say anything to Carmen. "Well, yeah. I wouldn't even call it trouble. I'm just done, dude."

Eli nodded and shoved a straw into the glass of Coke that was placed in front of him. "Took you long enough."

"Honestly, it's not as if I haven't tried. It's just…well, you know Rose. She makes it difficult."

"I heard that, she's undeniably hot."

I laughed and shook my head. "No, I meant that she just…she actually doesn't let me break up with her. She either refuses to acknowledge it, or she flips and cries and begs and then I end up giving in."

"Yeah, man, but you just have to rip that shit off like a Band-Aid. Otherwise, she'll do that shit forever."

"I know, but there's just something about the way she freaks out. I don't know. I worry."

"What like she's gonna off herself if you leave?"

"No, no. She's just…I mean, it's so exaggerated. Something's off and I just end up feeling really shitty. I don't know. I think she wigs out because her parents put a lot of pressure on her and shit."

"Isn't she like, the favorite? I thought Jasper was the black sheep who gets shit on all the time?"

"Well, Sara-Jane worships Jasper. It's only the Reverend who gives him shit. But yeah, they're just always fawning all over her and pressuring her about her singing and just, I don't know, I guess maybe the fact that they think she's perfect makes her feel pressured to keep living up to that. I have no idea; I just know it makes it really hard for me to get out of it."

He nodded again. "I know that's right. I mean, Carm's pretty low maintenance, but I've had my share of those. So what now?"

"Graduation. I told her we'd keep doing, I don't know, whatever this is, until graduation. Just because it would fuck things up you know? The Junior/Senior dance, the Prom, I mean, I don't want to completely dick her over."

"Yeah, I guess I get that. And it's not like there's anyone else right?" He made eye contact when he asked the question.

I stared at him for a moment, wondering if it was merely inquisitiveness, or if he was leading me. "No. There's no one else."

It wasn't completely a lie, considering Bella wasn't really a viable option at the moment, anyway.

He nodded. "Well, big changes up ahead. Maybe it's for the better since you're fucking off in the fall anyway."

"I kind of feel bad for how much I'm looking forward to that." I thought of Bella as I said it. There was a now a bitter tang to my anticipation.

"Nah, I think it's good. You need it."

"What about you? Are you okay with everything that happens after high school?"

"Yep. I don't need to be anywhere else, at least not right now."

I felt mildly envious of Eli. He was so content with everything in his life, so easygoing, and there was a true peace of mind that went hand in hand with that attitude. I wondered if I would ever feel that way. I used to think that New York would be my saving grace, but lately I had become less sure.

"So, what time are you going over there tomorrow?" Eli asked.

"Doesn't matter. I'll go with you guys; just call me when you're ready."

Our food arrived and we moved on to lighter subject matter. We hung out for a bit longer after we finished, parting ways in the parking lot just after 1 a.m.

. . .

Saturday night, we got to Rosalie's house around eight-thirty and we were greeted by Jasper at the door.

"Welcome, friends and neighbors," Jasper said as he swung the door open, laying it on thick as usual. "So glad you could join us to receive the body and the blood of Christ our Lord and Savior. If you are under twenty-one, you can find a vast array of juices in the kitchen fridge."

He smiled at Carmen, Eli and me, and winked at Victoria. Clearly, he knew her better than the rest of us. I silently gagged and made my way to the backyard, the rest following behind me.

Mike, Tyler, that blonde junior who hangs all over Mike, and a few other random people were already engaged in a keg stand when walked out to the backyard. There were a bunch of people in the pool and crowded around the cabana. I scanned the crowd and noticed that neither Bella nor her friends had arrived yet.

Rosalie was leaning up against the cabana, surrounded by a bunch of Jasper's guy friends. I considered going over to say hi, but instead decided I needed a few drinks before that, so I made my way over to Mike's group first.

The party filled up closer to nine and Mike and Tyler were still providing the entertainment. Rosalie finally extracted herself from the group of guys around her and came running across the backyard.

"Whoa, when did you guys get here?" she squealed, clearly half in the bag already.

"A while ago," Carmen said before hugging her. "Nice turnout."

"Yeah, it's mostly tools and Jasper's asshole friends, but whatever, it's decent and I'm buzzed," she responded.

She gave me a peck on the cheek and then grabbed Carmen and Vic and headed back towards the cabana.

Eli and I were at the far end of the yard talking to some guys from the soccer team when Bella and her friends came out onto the patio. She was in a white sundress, not unlike the yellow one that plagued my waking dreams, looking like a vision or some other equally gay term for completely fucking delicious. They watched and laughed for a bit as Mike made a spectacle of himself, and then when he rushed back to Tyler, they huddled together for a bit, chatting amongst themselves. I turned back to the conversation for a bit and when I looked over again, Jasper was behind her, his arms wrapped around her waist and his mouth on her bare shoulder, on the skin that was the subject of so many of my fantasies.

I quickly looked away and a few minutes later I chanced a glance again, and this time she was facing him, his arms around her waist, her feet dangling above the ground. I was fucking tired of feeling jealous. It was a pathetic emotion and in all honestly not one I was accustomed to feeling before Bella suddenly came into existence. I turned around completely and immersed myself in the conversation.

Since he was the host, Jasper luckily wasn't dry humping Bella all night. She and I tried to talk a few times, but it always felt like there were eyes on us, and I could particularly feel Rosalie's singeing glare. We had trouble getting past the awkward beginnings of a conversation and I think we were both way more comfortable when we were one-on-one.

Later in the night, Bella was sitting at the edge of the pool, talking to two girls who were in it. Everyone was drunk and distracted so I sat down next to her and we talked for a little while about random shit. At some point she made a rather snarky joke about my wardrobe and I splashed her legs with water. I'd admit it was somewhat pre-meditated, and a cheap maneuver to feel up on her legs a bit, but when I swiped the water from her thigh and felt her skin prickle, I wondered if it was simply a reaction to the cool water. Naturally, Rosalie appeared seconds later to bust my balls, but I willingly got up and followed her, not sure if there was any other way to extract myself from the awkward moment I had just created.

We didn't get to talk after that. Newton and Tyler dragged me, Eli, and a few others into the basement to play Rock Band and by the time we rejoined the party, Bella was nowhere to be found. I decided that drinking excessively was the best way not to think too much about where she might have been.

At about two a.m. we all made our way upstairs, leaving a bunch of kids on the ground floor sleeping in heaps on couches and loungers, including Bella's friend Alice, who was draped atop Jasper's friend, James, on a chaise in the hallway. _Another one bites the dust_.

We all crashed within minutes of resting our heads on our respective pillows, couch cushions or balled up blankets. I was too drunk and tired to even worry about the fact that Bella and Jasper disappeared for the latter half of the party. Well, almost. There may possibly have been a moment where we passed Jasper's door and I wanted to break it down and drag her out of there, but by the time I got into bed, I let it go.

I woke up around eleven o'clock the next day and looked down to find a pile of blonde hair resting on my chest. I groaned and rolled over on to my side, waking Rosalie. She whimpered a bit but remained on her stomach, face down in the spot I had just vacated. Now that the cloud of intoxication had lifted, my mind drifted immediately to Bella and her absence for a good chunk of the late evening. I remembered what Rosalie had said about Jasper telling her that he and Bella hadn't slept together, and an uneasy feeling crept over me. It was a ridiculous thing to worry about and I was disgusted with myself. I had no claim to her, but my only justification was that it was more about taking pleasure in Jasper being denied than about being unable to deal with the thought of Bella having sex with him. With anyone. Well, besides me. _Whatever._

I ran my fingers through my hair and grimaced when they got stuck there. I vaguely recalled Mike Newton smashing lemons into my head during a very late night round of tequila shots.

"I need to go home and shower," I said, slowly sitting up.

Eli, who was sleeping on a foam mattress on the floor with Carmen, rolled over when I spoke and groaned.

"Shower here," Rosalie said, her face still pressed against the mattress. "We'll probably go to breakfast, er, lunch."

"Do you have any soap that doesn't smell like cake or flowers?" I asked.

She slowly dragged herself out of bed and stumbled toward the door. "I'll be right back. I'm sure Jasper has some man scented stuff."

Victoria stirred on Rosalie's futon and grumbled a bit before sitting up, her crazy red hair looking like it could have its own gravitational pull.

"What the fuck? It's too damn early," she groaned, rubbing her eyes and adjusting her tank top.

Rosalie returned a minute later with a bottle of Axe shower gel in her hand and looking like she was going to be sick.

"What's wrong with you?" I asked.

"Oh. My. God." Her nostrils flared and her lip curled into a sneer.

Both Carmen and Eli sat up abruptly. "What happened, sweetie? What's wrong?" Carmen asked.

"There is a used condom on the counter in my brother's bathroom. I am going to projectile vomit."

I stared at her for a moment, not really sure what to think. Carmen and Victoria looked at each other and then burst out with laughter. Rose looked less than amused.

"Whose is it?" Eli asked.

"Well obviously it's the manwhore's. I'm seriously gagging guys. I…" She looked at me and her mouth snapped shut. I was glad whatever she was thinking didn't make it out of her mouth because my nerves were shot and I had little patience left for her nasty comments.

"Wow, so he's actually fucking the Swan girl. _Bizarre," _Eli said.

"Oh, come on! I talked to her for a bit last night, she's actually kind of adorable," Carmen said.

"That's not what I mean. She is cute. I just can't really picture her with Jasper. She seems too…nice," Eli clarified.

"Whatever," Victoria said, glancing knowingly at Rosalie. Rose pursed her lips and squinted at Vic. "Nice or not, adorable or not, it's Jasper. She's just one in a line of many. Next, please." She smirked at Rosalie.

"Yeah, and your outlook has nothing to do with the fact that you were in that line-up too?" I recalled the little wink Jasper gave her at the door. Clearly they had hooked up, and yet I didn't see him speak to her once that evening.

"Pssh, Jasper is only good for one thing, regardless of whether or not he thinks it's the other way around." Though she tried hard to mask it, Victoria's insecurity bled through her spiteful remark.

I turned to Rosalie and she was positively bursting at the seams. She pursed her lips but I could almost hear her brain screaming. I was actually a little impressed at the restraint she was showing, but I knew were I not around she'd be having a field day.

"Um, can we not discuss this in front of me? I mean we _are _talking about my brother. My gross, nasty, disgusting pig brother. He couldn't flush it? Oh God, I'm…" she said before literally gagging.

I got out of bed and grabbed the bottle of soap from Rosalie's hand. "All right, just relax."

The comment earned me another death glare but I just ignored it and headed to the bathroom. As much as I wanted to have some conviction in my casual attitude, deep down I couldn't help but feel disappointed. I wasn't even entirely sure what the source was, either. Was it that she more than likely lost her virginity to a guy that made a career out of it? Was it jealousy that he got to have sex with her? Was it the fear that she was in some way pressured or—even worse—too drunk to know what she was doing? Was it the terrifying possibility that this would further cement their unorthodox relationship? I imagined on some level it was a combination of things, but leaning heavily toward the latter.

The very basic truth was that I wanted her and he had her. As far as I could see, that condom on the counter meant that if I did get what I wanted, it would more than likely be at the expense of her broken heart.

. . .

I sat in Calculus doing the rubber pencil trick and stealing glances at the door. Class started ten minutes ago and Bella still hadn't arrived. I saw her in the cafeteria with her friends before school so I knew she was here. I had no idea why it bothered me so much, but it did, and I figured I might as well just embrace the inner stalker. I spent much of Sunday feeling pretty fucked up over Condomgate. After I showered we all went to breakfast and when we returned later, Jasper's bedroom door was still closed—and it was still closed when I left the house a little later.

Bella came to my place on Tuesday and while we obviously didn't discuss what she got up to on Saturday night, her behavior was more than a little off. She was all business, distracted, and checked her phone about nine hundred times. We got our work finished in an hour and she didn't linger, claiming she had a lot of other work to do. I wanted to ask her if everything was okay, if only to show her that I could be a friend, but she didn't really seem like she would be willing to talk. I had my theories about why she was acting the way she was but I tried not to think about any of it too much. As much as I had I wanted Jasper to fuck up royally, I was now truly hoping that he hadn't.

Fifteen minutes into class Bella slipped in, mumbling apologies, closing the door lightly behind her. She avoided looking at me, but I noticed her eyes looked tired and red. She flopped into her desk and her friend Angela gave her a sympathetic smile and clutched her forearm.

She opened her books and placed her phone on top of them. Every time I looked over, she was staring at it. When the bell rang, she and Angela were up and gone before anyone else.

When I got to my car, Rosalie and Carmen were waiting for me.

"Hey, can you come over this afternoon?" she asked. She had been in a bizarrely good mood all day. "We're on this committee for the Junior/Senior dance and we're planning and stuff tonight. This kid Eric is DJing and we thought you could make sure he doesn't suck. We'll get pizza!"

I not only welcomed the distraction, but was also thinking that seeing what was going on at the Hale house would shed some light on what was going on with Bella. "Sure."

When we got there I noticed Jasper's Mustang was parked in the driveway. On our way to the kitchen we passed the living room where he was sitting, staring at the television. He didn't acknowledge any of us.

We sat down at the kitchen table to talk and a few minutes later Eric and Eli and another junior named Ben arrived. Ben was a musician and wanted to play something at the dance so the four of us talked music while Carmen and Rosalie talked streamers and glitter and who they thought should be next year's king and queen.

Jasper walked in shortly after the pizza arrived and ignored us all once again. He walked out into the garage and came back in the house with three beers in his hands. He grabbed a slice of pizza and turned to leave.

"Where are you going with those?" Rosalie asked.

"My room," he mumbled, with a mouthful of pizza.

"What are the beers for? They're not all for you are they?"

He simply ignored her and continued out into the hallway.

A little later that evening the doorbell rang. The Reverend and Mrs. Hale were out on the back patio, and Rose was in the middle of taking Carmen's measurements so she asked me to get it.

I opened the door to find Bella standing on the other side. She looked exhausted and agitated, her hair was pulled up into a ponytail and she was wearing a green t-shirt, grey sweat-shorts and black flip-flops. If that was her frazzled look, it worked for her.

"Hi," I said standing aside to let her in. "What's going on?"

"Uh, is Jasper home?" her voice wavered as soon as she spoke.

"Yeah, I think he's up in his room. Is everything okay?"

She was already heading towards the stairs, but when I asked she stopped and turned to me, her expression fraught with concern.

"I'm not sure. We'll see." The corner of her mouth turned up just a bit as though she were desperately trying for optimism. She turned and headed up the stairs.

The expression on her face and her cryptic response left me feeling unsettled all over again, and for the first time ever I was praying that whatever was wrong, Jasper would make it right.

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**www(dot)fortheloveofjasper(dot)com**


	16. John 4:18

**Many thanks to Legna989 who has been here since the very beginning...**

**This chapter was brought to you by the letter J and the song "A Martyr for My Love for You" by the White Stripes.

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_"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love."_

_**John 4:18

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**_

_**Jasper Hale**_

Sometime in the morning or afternoon after the party, I lay in bed staring up at the ceiling and trying to formulate a plot. I was full on freaking out and I needed to get Bella out of here with the least amount of drama possible. I needed to think and I needed to escape the endless conversation she would most certainly want to have when she woke up. I glanced over at her out of the corner of my eye. She was on her back, her head turned towards the wall and her hair was all over the place and covering the only part of her face I could see. She took even, shallow breaths, only the exhalation audible. The comforter was pulled up to her shoulders and I couldn't help but think of all the naked skin that lay beneath.

_Don't. _

I got out of bed ridiculously slowly, trying not to wake her. I grabbed my phone off the dresser and checked the time, surprised to discover it was almost one. I was about to walk out to the bathroom but hesitated at the door. I looked around the room for a sec and then grabbed a towel off my desk chair and threw it around my waist. When I got to the bathroom I stood in front of the mirror massaging my jaw. I needed to shave but I was too lazy. I glanced to the edge of the counter closest to the toilet and noticed the condom from last night. _Whoops. _I meant to flush it, but obviously forgot. I grabbed it and threw it in the toilet, drained the snake, washed my hands and brushed my teeth. I avoided looking at myself again.

I quietly re-entered the bedroom and threw the towel back on the chair. I got back into bed and the moment my head hit the pillow my mind flashed back to last night and the precise moment when I stuck my dick in Bella and my sanity completely fucked off. I had wanted to fuck her since the day she walked in to that shitty Mexican joint looking like such a tasty piece of teenage ass. After weeks upon weeks of awkward fumbling and showing her the ropes, I wanted to fuck the fucking shit out of her. For hours and preferably up against some hard surface or on the floor or in some other equally depraved fashion.

But what we did last night… that was not fucking. I don't know what the fuck it was, but it wasn't fucking. I barely remember what happened after we started, because I blacked out on ecstasy or something. I had appreciated Bella in a multitude of ways but never had I imagined she would feel that good. It was like eating a big fat warm slice of my granny's homemade blueberry pie. Or sticking my dick into it. I couldn't even fuck the shit out of her if I wanted to, because watching her face when we first started, pained but brave…it made me all fruity and then I just wanted to hold her and kiss her and not freak her out. Her magical vagina was making me completely retarded. It most definitely wasn't fucking, but whatever it was it was the best I'd ever had.

Which made absolutely no sense because, logically speaking, she should not have been the best. Take someone like Maria. Maria was stacked to the rafters and had a porn collection that rivaled my own. She was an unparalleled sex goddess with a dirty mouth, and the only girl to ever let me stick it in her butt. She would go and keep on going until I was the one crying uncle, and then she'd push me further. _She _should have been the best.

But inexplicably, she didn't hold one-tenth of the sexual appeal of the girl next to me, with her skinny chicken legs, barely-a-handful tits, and her poking hipbones. As much as I would have killed a hundred puppies to hear Bella say _pussy_ or _fuck my ass_, even just hearing her say "it feels good" elicited a much more enthusiastic response from my dick than Maria ever did saying any of that dirty shit. And that is precisely why I was so fucking disturbed.

I was up for a majority of the night freaking out. The sexual euphoria wore off quickly and was replaced with sheer panic. I could not feel _this_ way about _this _girl. I had gone so fucking far off my charted course and had come to in these murky waters being stabbed in the chest with her skull-and-bones flag. She was the most unsuspecting thief, looking so cute and innocent while she stole my heart and murdered my common sense, the little criminal. My annoyance grew exponentially with each passing hour that I lay awake.

She shifted in her sleep, throwing her arm over head and giving me a nice view of the goods. My body mutinied and before I could collect my wits I was next to her, circling my thumb over her nipple.

She stirred just a bit and then her eyes snapped open. I smiled at her and she nuzzled her face into her arm.

"Jasper," she whispered.

As my brain shouted for me to cease and desist, I ignored it as per usual and lowered my mouth, flicking my tongue over her nipple before taking it between my teeth. The little moan she let out was enough to silence my obnoxious mind completely; the southern hemisphere was now in charge. She squirmed beneath me and I pressed my hand over her stomach to still her. I felt her chest rise higher and higher as her breathing became more labored.

Then, just like the good old days, she pressed her hand against my forehead and shoved.

"Hold that thought," she said. She looked around for a second and then yanked the sheet from underneath the comforter and wrapped it around her body. I found it amusing that mere seconds ago I was sucking her tit, and yet she still felt the need to cover herself up now.

She climbed over me and went to her bag, which was on the ground near the door. She rifled through it and extracted a pack of gum. She popped a piece in her mouth and then walked back to the bed. She extended the pack toward me.

"Want a piece?"

I raised an eyebrow.

"I was just being polite, you don't have to take it."

"I brushed my teeth already, actually."

The brief reprieve from seeing her naked boobs gave my brain just enough time to regroup and make me feel like shit. This was irresponsible, even for me. I needed to get her dressed and get her home and not fall into this trap again. I tried to think of what to do but before I could come up with something she was on top of me, the sheet around her waist, her lips on my neck, and her naked skin all over mine.

I just lay there like a stunned animal for a few seconds while my dick again worked to overpower my mind. It took about five seconds. I flipped her over and shoved my hand into her hair, grabbing the back of her head and pulling it up so that I could kiss her. Her stupid gum was getting in the way so I pulled away and stuck my index and middle finger in her mouth to fish it out. She misinterpreted what I was doing and bit down on them lightly before sucking them all the way into her mouth. _Fuck fuck fuck. _How the fuck was I supposed stop myself now, with her fucking going to town on my fingers? I groaned and kissed the side of her mouth as I worked them in and out.

When I couldn't take it anymore I practically ripped them from her mouth and pushed them between her legs. She hissed and cried out.

"Shit, that burns! Cinnamon!"

"Sorry," I mumbled, pulling my hand away and shifting on top of her. "Can you swallow that please?"

She half-frowned and then gulped it down. When she opened her mouth to show me the gum was gone, I quickly replaced it with my tongue.

I ground myself between her legs as I kissed her; just feeling how wet she was almost made me come. This girl was destroying my self-control. I was failing miserably at stopping myself from fucking her, or whatever it was I wanted to do to her. She was whimpering into my mouth, digging her jagged little nails into my sides. It felt like she was holding her breath, so I stopped kissing her for a moment to inform her that it was perfectly acceptable to make noises.

"I don't want people to hear," she whispered.

"I think they're gone," I said into her ear between pants. "I want to hear you."

I jerked my hips forward roughly and she cried out.

"Fuck," I groaned, biting at her chin and her lips.

I paused for a moment and rolled on to my back, pulling her on to me. I squeezed her ass and pushed her hard against my hips.

After an excessive amount of making out, I grabbed her chin and pushed her mouth from mine. As soon as I let her go she began to kiss my neck, running her tongue up behind my ear. I felt her nipples brushing against my chest and the sensation sent an electric shock straight to my cock. I couldn't take it anymore. I gathered her hair into a ponytail and gently tugged her head back. She looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to speak. I moved my hands to her hips, and then slid them up her sides and brought them to rest underneath her arms. When my thumbs moved over her nipples she closed her eyes and her mouth dropped open a little bit. I could have watched her making that face for hours. Her lips were raw and swollen from my stubble and I just wanted to fucking gnaw on her face.

I kept moving my thumbs as I asked, "Do you want to have sex again?" Exactly what I told myself I wouldn't do about a half an hour ago, but who was I kidding?

She straightened out a bit and moved her hands to my forearms, pushing herself into my abdomen_. Fu u u u u ck me_, I just wanted to rub her all over my body.

"Yes," came her breathy whisper.

I reached into the night table drawer and pulled out a condom. She shifted and was about to climb off of me, but I grabbed her hip and just nudged her back a bit onto my thighs. I rolled the condom on, and unlike last night, she watched as I did it. I gestured for her to move up and she hesitated.

"I don't know how to do it this way," she said, frowning.

I chuckled. "I think it's mostly instinctual, just come here."

She crawled back up to sit on my hips. She leaned forward to kiss me. I moved a hand between her legs and made sure she was nice and warmed up. I adjusted myself and then lifted her hips a bit and aligned myself with her. I placed my hands on her thighs and pushed her onto me as I moved my hips forward.

She started to moan against my mouth as I squeezed her ass and guided her hips. The minute I was inside her, all the emotions from last night came hurtling back and my heart sank at the realization that this wasn't going to make anything better.

Of course I kept going because I was a guy and I was in heaven and there was no way I could tear myself away from her now. She continued to rock her hips against mine as I gently guided her. She seemed to be completely focused on the movement of her hips, her eyes closed and lips just inches from mine but never touching.

She sat back quickly and I groaned at the sensation of suddenly being completely inside her. She squeaked a bit and clasped her hand over her mouth. She remained still for a moment before attempting to move. It was a bit awkward at first but again I clutched her hips and helped her along until she found her rhythm. She leaned back and grabbed my thighs and fuck me if it wasn't the most glorious sight I'd ever have the pleasure of experiencing.

I decided that I really needed to watch her come so I ran my hands up her thighs and moved one between her legs. I stroked her as she moved above me and when her movements became more awkward and jerky, I picked up the pace until she began to moan and squeal and claw at my legs. Seconds after her climax, she flew forward and suctioned her mouth to mine. I slipped one hand into her hair and moved the other back to her hip. I generally had huge reservations about excessive kissing during sex, mostly because it annoyed me and felt largely unnecessary, but now it only seemed to deepen the intensity.

Without breaking the kiss, I moved my other hand to her hips and put some elbow grease into it. As I jerked my hips forward to meet hers, she started making all sorts of heavenly noises into my mouth. She tried to pull away but I just moved my head forward, not allowing our mouths to break contact.

Finally when I felt like I couldn't take anymore I pushed her hips back and pulled her off of me.

"I need to be on top," I said, nearly breathless.

She simply lay back between my legs, her head at the foot of the bed. I sat up and ran my hands up and down her inner thighs, watching her. Finally she reached out for me, so I moved over her and lifted her legs so she could wrap them around my waist. Her hair was stuck to her face, both our bodies all clammy and sticky. She arched her head back and closed her eyes, waiting for me to start again. I stared for a moment drinking in the sight of her, realizing how just how badly I needed to be inside her. I wanted to go and keep going and never stop. I brushed the hair away from her face and kissed her.

I pushed back into her and supported myself on one elbow. "Are you okay still?" I whispered into her ear, kissing along it after I spoke.

She nodded and I reached down to grab her hand from my side. I laced my fingers through hers and brought our hands above her head. She groaned my name through gritted teeth and only moments after I really started going again, she was pleading with me.

"Oh...OhmygodJasperplease...please..." Her free hand made its way to my neck and she dug her fingernails into the nape.

I groaned and pressed my face against her temple. "What's wrong? What do you need?" I choked, now having to actively focus on not coming.

"I don't know, I...just..." she trailed off, arching her back.

"What do you want?" This was the closest I was going to get to dirty talking, so I was milking the shit out it.

"I just want...I need...I just..._need." _Her legs slid off my hips and she arched her head back on the mattress.

There's nothing quite like rendering your gal speechless. I released her hand and leaned back just a bit with the intention of giving her the release she didn't know she needed, but before I could her arms flew around my neck and she yanked me down. One hand clawed down my back to my ass, and then the other followed. When she pushed my hips into her, digging her fingers into my skin, I surprised myself by collapsing on top of her and fucking exploding.

"Fuuuck, fuck. Shit. Bella..." I groaned into her hair that was splayed across the mattress.

She was panting so heavily I thought she was going to pass out. I rolled off of her onto my back, trying to cool down and collect myself.

For a while we both lay there, completely still apart from our heaving chests. I found myself wondering what was going through her mind. I had no idea what to say or what to do. I was terrified she'd say something I didn't want to hear, or I'd keep feeling more things I didn't want to feel. I flinched when her soft voice broke the silence.

"You swear a lot," she said, still staring at the ceiling. "Like, when you're doing it."

My laugh sounded oddly nervous. "Does it bother you? I'm pretty sure a lot of people are guilty of that."

"No. It's sexy," she said matter-of-factly.

I didn't turn to her, but instead I sat up and moved to the top of the bed to deposit the condom on my nightstand.

When I turned around she was right behind me on her knees, staring at me expectantly. A moment before slipping my arms around her waist, I sighed in resignation. There was just no way this would end nicely. As long as she was here, I was going to keep holding on to her, and I knew that was bad news for both of us.

I could probably learn to deal with my feelings. They were weird and uncomfortable, but they were mine and I was a man and I could suck it up. What I could not deal with was that look on her face and in her eyes. I couldn't deal with her feelings. I didn't want her to need me because the odds that I would disappoint her were far too great.

I figured I was prepared for what she would think and how she would react. I knew I'd end up looking like a selfish asshole, even though if I were really being selfish I would certainly not be fucking letting her go. I'd be locking her in this room and living with her in this bed. But I knew myself, and I knew relationships, and human nature and all of that shit and I knew that somewhere down the line, one or both of us would get fucked over. I couldn't take the risk that it would be her.

As I raked these thoughts over in my brain, my hands were moving along her back, my tongue against hers. I ran my fingers over her hair and smiled against her mouth as I tugged at a giant matted clump.

"You need a hairbrush," I said.

She moved her hand to the back of her head and felt around. "Ugh, there's no way. I'll have to get that out in the shower."

I collapsed back onto the bed, suddenly tired from all the thinking and fucking. Bella grabbed the comforter and pulled it over us as she nuzzled against my side. This is the part where I was being selfish, because I let myself forget all reason and enjoyed the feeling of her body next to mine for just long enough to fall asleep.

When I awoke, Bella was sitting up, hunched over my phone. I reached out and ran my fingers along her spine.

"What are you doing?"

She returned the phone to the nightstand and turned to me. "It's almost five. I really have to go."

I nodded and sat up. "I'll give you a ride."

"Maybe you should drop me at Alice's though. I told Renee I was sleeping at Angela's."

"Whatever you want," I said as I kissed her shoulders.

She got out of bed, this time leaving the sheet behind. She grabbed her bra and underwear of the floor and put them back on. As she slipped her dress on and pulled it down over her hips I came up behind her and pushed it back up her waist. I wrapped my arms around her and kissed the back of her neck. The girl was like fucking reverse kryptonite. She laughed and tried to squirm from my grip, but I held her tightly.

"Are you ever going to let me leave?" she giggled. I released her and sighed.

"I suppose. Just stop looking sexy for five minutes, okay?"

She rolled her eyes. "That's really never been a problem for me."

I knew she couldn't understand why that comment made me feel so guilty. I grabbed her arms and squeezed, probably a little too tightly. "You are always sexy. Always beautiful, okay?"

She tried to shrug it off, laughing nervously. "Right, okay."

My eye contact didn't falter. I would not have her think that the asshole shit I was about to pull had anything to do with her not being good enough. In any capacity. "Always Bella. Don't roll your eyes at me. You're perfect, okay?"

She blushed and nodded. "Okay, okay. What's wrong?"

I let go of her arms and rubbed my face. "Nothing. I have to piss, I'll be right back."

I grabbed my jeans off the floor and pulled them on before heading to the bathroom. Again I stood in front of the mirror for a moment, not really looking at myself. I washed my hands and splashed water on my face and neck and went back into the bedroom. Bella had her bag around her shoulder, and her cell phone in her hand.

"Okay, Alice is home, so you can drop me there," she said.

I nodded and threw on a t-shirt. I grabbed my keys and wallet and she followed me out of the room. As we headed down the stairs she giggled behind me. When we got to the door I turned to her.

"What is so funny?" I asked, as I opened the door for her.

She didn't say anything until we got outside and I closed the front door. Then she turned to me and whispered, "You're going commando!"

I laughed and pulled her to me, running my hand up her thigh. "So why aren't you?"

She elbowed me and sprinted to the car. "I knew I shouldn't have said anything."

"And yet, you did," I said, raising an eyebrow and walking around to open her door.

"I thought it was funny, that's all."

"Or does it make you horny, baby? Does it?"

"Ew, that Austin Powers voice does not."

I opened her door and smacked her on the butt. "Get your ass in the car."

When we pulled in to Alice's driveway, Bella hopped out of the car before I even got out. She waved madly and toward the house and I looked up to see Alice waving out a window on the second floor.

"Come on up!" she shouted.

Bella walked around to my side and stood in front of me.

"So…" she said.

This was the part where I had to offer her something. A phone call, a date, an email. Hope. But I didn't know what to say because I didn't want to lie to her.

She stood waiting, chewing the inside of her cheek. My chest was aching and all the guilt from this morning came rushing back. I was still willing to own my feelings; I just wished I had realized them before last night. Getting what I wanted had never felt so fucking unfulfilling.

I reached for her hand and instead she stepped into my arms and pressed her face into my chest. I wrapped my arms around her.

"Are you happy?" I asked.

I felt her nod against my chest.

"Good," I said.

She backed away but hooked one of her fingers through my belt loop.

"See you soon, then?"

My heart sank. There was no way I could avoid it. "Yeah. Go, before I put you back in the car and take you back to my house."

She laughed stood on her tiptoes, lips puckered. I kissed her, and as she turned to leave I grabbed her arm and pulled her back to me. I turned and pushed her back against the car and leaned in close.

"Remember what I said earlier today."

She nodded solemnly and stared up at me. Finally her face softened. "Are you done being weird?"

I nodded and stepped back. She kissed me on the cheek and ran up the walkway to Alice's front door calling, "See ya!"

I watched her go inside before getting in my car and heading home.

. . .

I sat on the couch, five empty beer bottles on the coffee table in front of me that night. Rose wandered into the room and scowled at them.

"You haven't done shit to clean up after this party," she said.

"Call Dottie," I responded, keeping my attention on the television.

"Dottie can't know we had a party, fucktard."

"I'm too tired."

"I'll bet," she snorted.

"What's that supposed to mean, dear sister?" I asked innocently.

She glowered at me. "Everyone knows why you're tired, because you're a pig who can't clean up after yourself."

I winced internally; it _was _a little gross that Rosalie had to see that. Instead of apologizing, though, I turned back to the TV.

"I just hope that's the last of her hanging around here now."

My head snapped up. "Why the fuck do you say that?"

"Well, because I know you. And because I don't like her and I don't want her in my house anymore."

I hated that I was going to give Rosalie what she wanted, but at the very least I would make damn sure she wouldn't take any satisfaction in it. "Why the hell don't you like her?"

"I just don't. Frankly, the frequency at which you brought her around was really disturbing too. I'd ask you what the hell that was all about but I don't really want to hear about your gross sex life."

"You're not answering me, Rosalie. You've got to have a reason to dislike her."

She slammed her bottle of Windex on the table. "Are you blind? Are you telling me you don't see the way she and Edward act? I wouldn't be surprised she was the one using _you_ to get to Edward."

I clenched my jaw so hard it created an immediate tension headache. "You are a crazy bitch do you know that? A crazy, hateful bitch. Even if all that were true, why the fuck don't you dump Edward, instead of hating on her? He's the one always making eyes at her like some fucking lovesick horny puppy."

"Whatever, that's bullshit, everything was good until she starting coming around here. She was in his class for the whole year and he didn't even know who she was. Now she's trying to seduce him while they work on some stupid project and suddenly he's acting weird."

"You're really fucking daft, you know that? I've never met someone less perceptive in my life."

She grabbed the Windex bottle again and turned to leave. "Whatever, Jasper. I just hope you got it out of your system."

Before she crossed into the hall I was off the couch and gripping her upper arm. I spun her around forcefully and moved my face within inches of hers.

"You shut the fuck up. Stay the fuck away from me for a while, Rosalie, because I swear to God…" I took a deep breath and tried to regain my composure. "I don't want you talking to her or even looking at her at school. I don't even want you talking_ about_ her, do you hear me?"

She shook herself forcefully from my grip and backed into the hall.

"_Don't you touch me_!" she screeched. "Don't you ever touch me! I hate you! What was the point of you even coming back? I wish you stayed in Texas! I wish you never brought that stupid girl here, you like her more than any of us. You have no idea what family is!"

I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. I always knew Rosalie was a spaz, but I had no idea she had gotten so much worse. Before I could formulate a response she threw the Windex bottle on the floor and stormed upstairs.

I paced in the hallway for a few minutes trying to get a handle on my anger. Before Bella came along I had a pretty clear handle on things. I had a philosophy. I knew what I wanted and I always knew how I felt. This morning I thought that it was the sex that confused me, but really I had been fucked up over her for a lot longer. I was pissed that Rosalie had to point that shit out, and I was pissed that her stupid bitch comments actually resonated a little bit. I did bring her around a lot. I did treat her differently and I did want to punch Edward's teeth out for making her blush that day by the pool, and that desire did not come about entirely from generic male competitiveness.

I also couldn't be her boyfriend, and I was an asshole for not realizing that before I slept with her. I wanted to punch my own teeth out for feeling that way. I never felt remorse over fucking. That shit is ridiculous.

I tried to think about what I should do, how I should handle the mess I created, but every time I tried to clear my head to formulate a plan, I hit a wall. Then, another beer, another round of _fuck fuck jesus motherfuck_ in my head and then…blank.

So I gave up and went upstairs. When I got to my room I could hear Rosalie's dramatic sobs coming from hers. I sighed heavily. She was a spaz and a bitch and yet I was going to have to go in there and apologize or some shit because apparently I had a big ol' vagina now that came fully loaded with _feelings _and _emotions. _

I knocked on her door before opening it.

"Get out," she said into her pillow.

I sighed and tried to find words that would let her know I felt bad, but that she was still a giant heartless bitch. "Rose, I am not gonna kiss your ass and buy you a fucking pony, okAY? I am sorry I lost my temper and I shouldn't have grabbed you. But you're a bitch and you need to stop it, because once you're out of high school no one is going to put up with that shit. I've been to ASU. There are a shit load of hot girls there who require a hell of a lot less maintenance."

She let out a muffled whiny moan into her pillow. "Did you come in here to make me feel worse?"

"No, I came in here to apologize for freaking out, but not for anything else. You may think I am being an asshole, but it's for your own good, actually. You shouldn't go around being a bitch to everyone," I said, leaning against her dresser.

She turned around to face me. "What about what you do? You think you're some kind of nice guy? Give me a break."

"I never said that. You don't have to fucking use me as an example, Rose. No one told you should look up to me."

"I used to. You used to be my friend and now all you care about is girls and drinking with your friends and you're never around and you don't even want to be here at all. You wouldn't have even come here if Mom and Daddy didn't make you."

I rubbed my temples with my thumb and middle finger. "That's not true. I didn't want to be here because the Rev is an asshole and we just…we can't co-exist. Family is a complicated concept; sometimes everyone just ends up with different personalities. We can't help that, but it doesn't mean I don't care."

"We didn't used to be so different."

"Well, Rosalie, once upon a time you weren't such a bitch, if I remember correctly. I'm pretty sure I've been keeping it real. Bitch or not, you're still my sister and we were both spawned from Lucifer, so we'll always have that in common. So stop tweaking."

"Don't talk about Daddy like that!" She sat up and frowned, but it quickly faded and I could almost make out a slight upward turn at the corner of her mouth. She looked down for a minute and then got off the bed.

"I have to finish cleaning," she huffed as she walked past me towards the door. "Half-assed apology accepted."

I shook my head and followed her out. I decided to take a shower hoping it help would get my brain working again. The moment I stepped into the shower the steam enveloped me. It opened every pore and suddenly I was surrounded by the scent of Bella and sex. I hesitated before stepping beneath the spray, feeling annoyed that every emotion that smell conjured was a shitty one.

After the shower I went back into my room and collapsed onto my bed. I didn't want to think about shit anymore so I figured sleeping would take care of that nicely. I rolled from my stomach to my side and immediately the condom sitting on the night table came into focus. I groaned and got out of bed, grabbing it before heading to the bathroom. I dropped it in the toilet and started at it for a moment like it was my beloved dead goldfish or something.

On top of the plethora of bullshit unsexy emotions I was currently experiencing, I was also pretty damn sad that I wasn't going to get to have sex with Bella again. I sighed and slammed the handle down, flushing it before I had time to fish it out and put it in a fucking scrapbook.

I re-assumed my position in bed and feel asleep rather quickly. Apparently thinking and feeling were two really exhausting activities. When I woke up again, it was pitch black out and the house was silent in that middle-of-the-night kind of way. I grabbed my phone to check the time and noticed that I had a text from Bella. It said _Goodnight _and had one of those little colon, dash, and asterisk kissy faces. I frowned and by force of habit hit "reply." I stared at the screen for a moment with no idea what to write.

I couldn't respond because there was nothing I could say. I didn't want to give her false hope or lie to her, and I couldn't man up enough tell her why I couldn't see her. So instead I just closed the draft and threw the phone on the floor.

. . .

I went to school on Monday because I needed some sort of diversion from my incessant thinking, and also because apparently I had to take final exams or something. I considered drinking myself into oblivion as a means of distraction, but I figured the booze would just make me feel worse and my parents were back, which would only add to my foul mood. I was walking down Van Buren when heard thudding bass blaring from a car. As it approached I realized that it was rap music. French rap music. Before I had time to choke on my own vomit I heard Laurent call my name.

"Zhaspair! Mon homme, what are you deweeng 'ere?"

I stiffened a bit before turning around. He was the last person in the world I would have patience for today. I was mildly concerned that I would actually kill him.

"I go to school here. I'm walking to class." There were three jacked looking girls in the car with him. The blonde one in the back smiled and waved at me, but I ignored her.

"Funny joke, mon homme! We need to party soon. I 'ave to go back to Frahnce een two weeks!"

I looked at the sky and thanked God for sending the frog back to the motherland. "Yeah, all right. I gotta go, Laurent. See you later."

"Hey, 'ow ees your girlfriend?" he asked, obviously ignoring my previous statement.

"I don't have a girlfriend," I said, grinding my jaw.

"La fille jolie, from the party, the one with the leetle friend. She was a nice girl."

He was thirty seconds away from being punched in the throat. Half of that sentence for sure wasn't even in English. "Look, I have to go. I'll catch you later," I said, turning to continue on.

Laurent rolled alongside of me. "Can I geef you a ride?"

I inhaled sharply and looked back at the car. Backseat girl seemed pretty excited about the prospect. "No, it's right here—I'll catch you later."

"Bien! A bientôt, Zhaspair," he said before speeding off at about quadruple the speed limit, cranking the shitty rap music.

As if telepathically picking up that little convo, my phone beeped, signaling an incoming text. I knew who it was before I even picked it up.

_I miss you, everything okay?_

The ache between my eyes came pulsing back to life. I pushed my finger into my inner eye area and stared at the phone.

What I wanted to do, and what would be the easiest, would have been to tell her I missed her too and to come over so I could fuck her for four hours and smell her hair and worry later about her heart and her feelings. Ignoring her may have seemed like the easy way to the rest of the world, but I found it pretty damn challenging.

I opened and closed the reply to her text about ten times in class before I finally deleted it off my phone to resist temptation.

It didn't get any better after that. I got a little frowny-face that evening followed by a call an hour later, which I sent to voicemail. Against my better judgment I listened to it.

"_Jasper, it's Bella. Well, I guess you probably knew that. Um… so, I am really not trying to be a stalker here, I'm just worried because I haven't heard from you in a bit and that's…weird. So anyway, please call me, and maybe do you want to hang out tomorrow?"_

Her voice ripped into to me and again I fought for hours to stop myself from calling her. I reminded myself a thousand times of why I couldn't. I felt kind of depressed that she would probably never realize or appreciate the lengths I went to, to protect her from me.

Wednesday afternoon was the last text message I got.

_Please just call or text me and let me know you're okay. _

That one was a tricky one. That was one that few people could ignore. I mean, I couldn't leave her wondering if something had happened to me, and naturally she would because she had no reason to suspect that I would be such a gigantic asshole, or rather she did and she refused to, which made all of this infinitely worse. I did ignore it, however, because she would have heard if something truly bad happened to me and because if I wrote back now simply telling her that I was alive and well, all hell would break loose. I was admittedly wimping the fuck out of that scene.

That evening the Rev was in full dick mode, following me around and giving me shit about everything under the sun and Rosalie had a bunch of her retarded high school people over for some reason. I didn't know what they were doing but I tried my best to ignore them because they all annoyed the shit out of me. Particularly Prince Valiant because he kept giving me curious scowling looks and I had a feeling that he was probably already all over Bella, offering her a shoulder to cry on and a lap to sit on. My only consolation was the knowledge that my crazy ass sister still had him by the balls. But I knew their time was limited, and I could tell he had his eyes on the prize. The worst part was, I really had no right to care anymore. Since I did care though, I decided to grab a beer or three and retreat to my room to drink until I didn't anymore.

A little while later there was a knock at my door. It was a soft tap so I knew it wasn't the Rev because that bastard was heavy handed. I figured it was Rosalie or my mom so I went to the door and threw on my bothered face before opening it.

"Wha..." I said as I swung the door open. I trailed off when I saw Bella standing on the other side.

She looked really tired, and sad, and sexy as hell. My brain went, _"Oh fuck, I'm out of here, man,"_ and I just stood there staring at her.

Her lips pursed a bit before she exhaled loudly.

"I was kind of hoping you'd been hit by a bus or something," she said, no hint of sarcasm or levity in her voice.

All I could muster was a nervous, "Heh." The look on her face actually scared me a bit.

"I wasn't joking," she said. Again when my stupid mouth refused to move she spoke. "Well, since I know you're alive and okay, I think I'll go now."

I reached out and grabbed her arm, pulling her gently into the room. "Wait," was all I could manage to choke out.

I closed the door behind her and cursed myself for thinking it was ever possible to avoid what was about to happen.


	17. Psalm 4:4

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.**

**Legna989 owns SoaPM Laurent and fixes my many errors. HMonster04 and Profmom have a new story called The Fates which is pretty awesome. Legna betas that one as well and writes "the Fates" POV. So go read it. **

**ElleCC picked the Bible verse this time and it's kind of lovely. :)

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_"In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent."_

_**Psalm 4:4

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_**Bella Swan**_

When I opened her bedroom door I found Alice standing by the window, arms folded over her chest, one eyebrow raised to the ceiling.

"You had sex."

She didn't mince words, and I was tempted to hold back, feeling a little embarrassed by her bluntness, but I was too excited not to share.

"I did," I said, at the very least trying not to be embarrassingly overzealous. "Twice."

She yelped and lunged forward wrapping her arms around my shoulders and jumping up and down. "I knew it! How was it? You guys were being so cute out there it was positively gross!"

"It was pretty good I guess. I have nothing to compare it to, but I think it was good."

"And clearly he didn't impale you and tear you in half as you feared," she observed, leading me to the bed so we could sit.

"No, but it did hurt for a bit. But this morning…it was pretty awesome this morning."

She squealed again. "No wonder you're glowing!"

"You're imagining that, Alice. I am not glowing."

"How long did he go for? What's his O-face like? Did you have an O-face? Oh my God, what position did you do it in?"

"Ali, I'm not sure I am ready to get that detailed," I responded, feeling my embarrassment spread across my face.

She frowned a little but quickly got over it. "All right, all right, I'm just glad you did, and now we have to work on Angela."

"Don't hold your breath for that, Alice. Angela is a whole different ball game."

"You're right; she would have to be completely deprogrammed first. Anyway, so you've joined the dark side, now do you see what I meant about it not being a big deal?"

I chewed on the inside of my lip a bit and looked at Alice apologetically.

"Uh-oh. What?"

"I know I'm a dork, but it was sort of a little bit of a big deal to me."

She smirked. "You are such a romantic. But then maybe he is too; from my little birds-eye view it appeared he was being awfully sweet."

I shrugged. "I don't know what to think. I just know I didn't want to leave today and he didn't seem to want me to leave either."

"Damn. This _is_ a big deal, Bella! You had sex with Jasper Hale and now you're going to, like, be his girlfriend. Amazing."

"Can you please stop calling him Jasper Hale now?"

She rolled her eyes. "Fine, I guess now that you've had sex we can drop the formalities."

There was a question burning in my mind and I traced the pattern on Alice's comforter with my index finger, trying to determine the best way to ask it, without sounding like a sap or a nerd.

"Alice, I don't know what to do now. I mean, I went about this whole thing backwards. But I'm pretty sure that I really like him. Does James call you his girlfriend?"

She snorted. "No, we don't really talk about that stuff, Bella, we're just having fun."

"So would you care if he started having fun with someone else too?"

Alice's cheeks flushed immediately and she looked away from me. She shrugged but her response sounded a little snappy. "No. I mean, whatever, as long as he was okay with me having fun too."

I watched her fidget for a moment and realized that perhaps she wasn't as blasé about the whole sex and relationship thing as she portrayed herself to be.

"Well, maybe I'm old fashioned, but I feel like it changed things," I said, standing up and wandering to her bureau. On top of it there was a framed photo of the four of us at the end of a two-week summer camp two years ago. We all wore our blue Navajo House t-shirts and held up our hand made drums. The picture served as an effective reminder of how much we had changed, both individually and as a group.

Alice laughed. "You're not old fashioned. Just smitten." She winked before continuing, "So what of Edward? I saw you guys talking at the party. You seemed pretty friendly, but now Jasper Ha- I mean—Jasper, comes and sweeps you off your feet, so is that it for your epic crush?"

I thought for a little bit about that one. If I was honest with myself, my feelings for Edward weren't completely gone, but they certainly didn't lessen the ones I had developed for Jasper. "A crush, no matter how epic, is not quite as fulfilling as an actual relationship, Al."

Alice flashed me a somewhat cynical look and then her face changed, along with the subject. I felt relieved that she was willing to let it go, because the way I felt inside was jumbled enough as it was. I couldn't imagine how I could actually put them into words.

Most of the time I told myself that I was over Edward and that I was just having fun with Jasper. Then I would remember a moment with Edward, like him singing and playing the guitar, or brushing some water off my leg, and the feelings that those memories incited would completely betray my earlier statement. My feelings for Edward seemed to be ingrained in me, almost second nature. They never held me back from pursuing things with Jasper, but my reaction to Edward was almost instinctual. But the more time Jasper and I spent together, and the more intimate we got, the less I was able to tell myself that I was just having fun. I could only hope that the closer Jasper and I got, the more I would be able to put away those feelings I had for Edward.

I hung out with Alice for just a little bit longer before she gave me a ride home. I was happy to discover that Renee and Phil were out. A note on the fridge from Renee told me that there was some take-out in the fridge for me, and that they would be back later in the evening. I immediately took a shower and put some pajamas on. I checked my phone and there was only one missed call from Jessica. Obviously Alice had spilled the beans already. I started on my homework and an hour later I checked my phone again. Nothing. I knew I was being a little obsessive, but I kind of hoped Jasper would at least send me a text message or something.

Finally around ten I decided to go to sleep. I figured it had been several hours since I saw Jasper, so it wouldn't be too clingy for me to send him a text. I kept it simple and just wrote _goodnight _with a little kissy-face.

When I woke up on Monday I was disappointed to see that Jasper hadn't responded to my text. I knew he wouldn't be up as early as I was, but I found it hard to believe that he hadn't been up later than I had been. Still, I tried not to read too much into it.

I checked my phone frequently on Monday morning, and by the afternoon I started to feel a little concern mixed with annoyance. We had just slept together on Saturday and Sunday. He knew it was my first time. I knew he was a guy, but at the very least he could send a text to say "Hi." I decided enough time had passed that it would be reasonable for me to send another. Normally, I would talk to my friends about something like this, but I wasn't ready to admit that he hadn't contacted me since Sunday.

I simply sent him a note telling him I missed him and asking if everything was okay. Again, I checked my phone all afternoon and got no response. I wigged out a little that evening—alternating between intense anger and intense worry—what if something had happened to him? But I was mostly angry, because I would have heard by now if he was dead or deathly ill or something. People don't just disappear. So I sent another text, just a frowny face because I had no idea what to say. Then I called him an hour later, because I had really gone off the deep end. I stuttered and stumbled through a voicemail, saying that I was just worried about him and then asking if he wanted to hang out on Tuesday. I slammed the phone closed when I was finished, wishing I knew the code to his voicemail so I could delete it.

On Tuesday morning I was fuming. I couldn't believe this was happening. I was agitated all day, so much so that I didn't even want to go to Edward's that night. I was so completely distracted and I had become OCD about checking my phone. I also decided that I was not going to contact him at all that day, because I had already sent him enough unanswered messages. That only ended up making me feel more helpless.

When I we walked into Edward's room that evening he put on a Serge Gainsbourg record and we immediately started working on the finishing touches of our project. I helped as best I could, but I couldn't get my mind off Jasper and the reason behind his sudden disappearance. I couldn't believe that it was because we had sex. I couldn't believe that I could feel so much on Saturday night and Sunday morning and he could feel nothing. And even Alice noticed he was different at her house, so I couldn't be completely crazy. I went back and forth like that from anger and disbelief to worry, thinking maybe something was wrong or something had happened that prevented him from contacting me. Nothing made sense and with every passing hour I more and more wanted to throw my silent phone against a wall. Needless to say, I was horrible company for anyone, so when Edward and I finished our work, I made excuses to leave right away, not engaging him in extraneous conversation. I felt like kind of a jerk, but nothing anyone could do or say would distract me from my obsessive thoughts.

I managed to avoid telephonically harassing Jasper on Tuesday, but by third period on Wednesday I had pretty much lost it and I finally broke down and told Angela. She knew that Jasper and I had slept together and thankfully, though I knew she was disappointed, she kept pretty silent about it. When I told her that I hadn't heard from him she frowned, and I knew she was fighting back the I-told-you-so's.

"So how many times have you called him?" she asked.

I pulled her beneath the stairwell near the gym and looked at my phone.

"One call. A few texts."

"Well…I don't know Bella, what else can you do, really? Aside from going over there yourself."

"Ugh, that would be so embarrassing. If he was actually at home, I might kill him."

"Well. You could send him one more text. You have to appeal to his emotional side, if he has one. Like, maybe you could say that you are really worried and you need to know if he's okay?"

I thought about that for a moment. "Yes. That's actually a good idea."

I stepped from beneath the stairwell, intending to head to my next class. Angela followed and then paused, gently grabbing my wrist.

"Bella, you need to think about what you'll do if you don't get the response you want."

I nodded and looked down. "I know, Ang. Right now I just want to know what the hell is going on. I'll worry about everything else later."

I held off on sending the message until before last period. I ducked into the washroom and wrote what Angela suggested—that I was worried and for him to just let me know that he was okay. As I typed it out, I inexplicably began to cry. I hit send quickly and yanked some toilet paper from the dispenser to wipe my eyes. I hated feeling so desperate and pathetic, and I prayed that Jasper would just respond. I convinced myself I could handle it if he said he was okay, and had purposely been avoiding me. Just knowing would _have _to be better than this.

I end up getting to Calculus late. I sat down next to Angela and she gently squeezed my forearm and offered me a sympathetic look. I opened my book, dropped my phone on top of it, and proceeded to stare at it for the rest of class. Nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing. By the end of class I was ready to scream. I packed up early and when the second the bell rang, Angela and I bolted. We met Alice and Jess at the car. I couldn't hide the truth from them any longer. They asked about Jasper often, and now they were starting to question my agitated state. On the car ride home I explained everything. Angela offered her sad little frowns, Jess called him a giant cock and Alice fumed. She offered to kill him, to yell at James, to yell at Jasper, and to castrate him, among other things. In the end, they all assured me there had to be a perfectly good reason for all of this and everything would get sorted soon. I appreciated their optimism, but none of them seemed to hold much conviction in their statements. I could tell they felt the same way I did.

I had been home for a couple of hours when Alice called.

"Hello?" I answered, admittedly bummed that it wasn't Jasper calling.

"_Hi, sorry for the fakeout,"_ she said.

"It's okay, I think I've given up on the idea that he might call."

"_Listen, I think you need to go over there."_

"What? No, I'm not going to make an ass out of myself."

"_You don't have to. You are entitled to an answer. This is fucking ridiculous, and if you don't, I will. Just go over there and see if he's there or if they can tell you where he is."_

"I don't know."

"_Bella, just do it. You need to show him that you have some respect for yourself, even if he doesn't. Don't let him fucking flake out like this. And if something really was wrong, he'd think you were an asshole for not caring enough to go find him. But if he's there, Bella…if he is there you better fucking give him hell."_

"I don't know if I can handle it, Ali. What if Rosalie is there? That'll be so embarrassing."

"_Fuck her. Go over there, Bella, I'm serious. You need to put a stop to this before you go crazy."_

I sighed. "I know. Damn, I hate confrontation."

She laughed. _"Yeah, I know. Just go in there, guns blazing. Tell him off and bolt before he can start with the lame excuses."_

"All right. I'm gonna go. I'll call you later."

I paced my room for a while before I worked up the courage to get in my truck and head over. Before leaving I grabbed the dress from my closet, fully intending to return it to Jasper if he was actually doing what I thought he was. On the way there I almost turned around about five times, and by the time I pulled up to his house I felt like I was going to throw up. I glanced in the rearview mirror at myself. I looked like shit and I almost had to laugh; if he really was trying to bail on me, I probably wasn't going to do much to sway him with my shitty hair and my dark-circled eyes.

Of course when I rang the doorbell, the last person on earth I wanted to see right then opened the door. Edward. I felt about a thousand times more self-conscious as he looked me over.

"Hi," he said, standing aside to let me in. "What's going on?"

"Uh, is Jasper home?" I asked. My voice went all wonky on me, like I hadn't spoken all day. I was almost shocked to hear it.

"Yeah, I think he's up in his room," he said. I began to head for the stairs when he called out behind me. "Is everything okay?"

I didn't know how to answer. For some reason I just didn't feel like covering up for Jasper or pretending I was okay. Whether or not everything was okay depended on what happened when I got to Jasper's room.

I turned back to look at him. "I'm not sure. We'll see." I tried to smile at him, to show my appreciation for his concern, but I couldn't seem to muster more than a pathetic smirk.

I took the stairs slowly and as I turned to walk down the hall toward Jasper's room, my heart began to speed up. I hesitated for a moment, wanting to just turn around and leave. Clearly he was here and he was fine, so what good would confronting him do? I wasn't sure I even wanted the face-to-face rejection. But I remembered what Alice said. I couldn't make it easy for him. I wouldn't just disappear like he did.

I took a deep breath and lifted my hand to knock on Jasper's door. My fist hovered there for a moment, shaking. Finally my knuckles connected with the door and I was embarrassed by the faint knock. Now was not the time to show my weakness.

Jasper opened the door, already in mid-sentence. When he realized it was me standing there he stopped and stared, like a cornered animal. He looked fine. Not ill, and completely unscathed. I wanted to both cry and punch him in the face.

"I was kind of hoping you'd been hit by a bus or something." I almost meant it.

He kind of chuckled nervously and I felt my anger flare.

"I wasn't joking," I said. I suddenly felt like an idiot. He was here. He was fine and he was ignoring me after I slept with him. It was exactly what everyone said he would do, and like an ass I'd had faith that he wouldn't. There was nothing I could say now. I'd had all this stuff I wanted to say to him swirling in my head for the past couple days, and now standing here and looking at his face, well… I just didn't have the energy. If he still didn't give a shit after this weekend, he never would.

"Well, since I know you're alive and okay, I think I'll go now," I said.

I stepped back but he reached out and grabbed my arm. "Wait," he said, tugging me into the room and closing the door behind us.

Once we were in the room he let me go. He looked at me for a second, almost apologetically, and then crossed the room, his hands in his hair. I surveyed the room. It was messier than usual and there were several beer bottles on the desk and night table.

"We don't have to do this. I don't think I really want to hear what you have to say. I am more than happy to leave, Jasper. No need to put yourself through this."

"Fuck, Bella," he said, turning to me. "You don't understand. You have no idea."

My heart was racing and I had to remind myself to keep breathing in and out. I couldn't recall a time in my life when I had felt so angry. "I don't? I was under the impression that we slept together on Saturday, and again on Sunday, and then you didn't call me or answer my calls or texts for two days. And it appears you had no intention of doing so. What did I miss, Jasper?" My voice trembled considerably as I continued, but I refused to let myself cry in front of him. "Tell me: what don't I understand?"

"Stop it! Stop. Just stop for a second and let me speak or think or something." He turned away from me and rubbed his jaw, still pacing.

The shaking in my voice spread to my limbs.

"No, I don't want an apology. I mean, I'm sure I have no right to be angry. I should have known."

He spun around quickly and before I could blink he was in front of me, his face so close to mine I could smell the alcohol on his breath. "I can handle you thinking almost anything about me, but not that. That's not what this is."

"What is it then? What the fuck could it possibly be?" I took a deep breath, desperately needing to slow my heart rate.

"Bella, I fucked up. Multiple times."

I brought my hands to my face and rubbed vigorously. I could not believe I was listening to this.

"I didn't know what to do. I can't… Bella, I can't be what you need me to be. And before you go ape-shit on me, it's not because I don't want to be. Stop! Don't fucking make that face." He pointed his finger at me, as my lip, of its own volition, curled into a sneer. "Don't oversimplify this. I fucked up because I wasn't paying attention, and I fucked up because I realized too late. I know I am an asshole, and I know that avoiding you was total bullshit, but I didn't know what the fuck to do. I still don't. And I didn't ask for any of this, you know. I didn't want to fucking feel this way."

"So you're what? Scared? Inconvenienced?"

"Trust me, Bella, I have a little bit more experience than you, and I know myself pretty fucking well. I can't do this with you, because sooner or later I am gonna fuck it up. Or it's gonna fuck itself up. Either way, I can't hurt you. I won't do it. It has to stop now." He stepped back a bit and shoved his hands into his pockets.

"That's the dumbest thing I have ever heard. What kind of outlook is that? You know what? You're a genius. This whole thing, it's so...well-played, Jasper. I'll give you that."

"What, you think this is some kind of canned response? You think I do this all the time?"

"I do. It's pretty a convenient reaction, Jasper. I can't be with you because I care _too _much? I call so much bullshit on that. I really wish you'd just be honest, because this is actually so much worse."

"You can go track down any girl I've been with and ask them if I've ever said this shit before. Any one of them."

"Sure, do you have a phone book? I'll just close my eyes and point."

"Jesus fucking Christ in heaven, Bella, you're using this shit on me now? Now all of a sudden it bothers you? First of all, I am not fucking lying when I say it was different with you, and second of all, I never made you any fucking promises."

It took a moment for the comment to register but when it did, it ignited a white-hot fire inside me. Without even thinking, I raised my arm and Susan Lucci'ed him right across the face. "_You slept with me__!_ I know it doesn't mean anything to you, but you should fucking know me well enough to know I wouldn't have done that if I knew…if I knew you would do _this_. I don't care about any of the other girls, Jasper. You slept with me, and to me that was a fucking promise."

He recoiled and clenched his jaw tight. I knew it was probably a weak-ass slap, but the shock value was pretty decent. Of course, I was just as shocked as he was, and my breathing was now out of control. I still held the tears back, but I couldn't slow my breathing and I couldn't control the trembling of my arms or the spreading jelly in my legs. I wasn't even sure what I felt anymore; the disappointment, the anger, the sadness, the hatred, and the desperation were all balling together and filling me, its nucleus expanding outward from the center of my chest. The pressure was unbearable; I stepped back and put my hand against my chest to ensure my ribs weren't snapping.

Jasper recovered from the slap quickly and grabbed me. I wanted to rip myself from his grip and maybe even slap him again, but everything shut down and I just let him push me down onto the bed. He sat down next to me. I stared straight ahead, using every bit of my concentration to focus on a quarter on the floor across the room. He rested his head in his hands, his elbows on his thighs.

"I know I did," he finally said.

I didn't look away from the quarter, and thankfully it distracted me from my inability to get a complete breath. Eventually my lungs filled to capacity and my heart rate slowed a bit.

"But I never saw it that way before," he continued. "It wasn't until afterward that I fully realized it, okay? I didn't realize how I felt, or even how you felt. I didn't realize that things were different with you. I mean, I guess maybe on some level I did, but I was fucking ignoring it," he sat up and looked at me. "But after Saturday, I couldn't ignore it anymore, and it freaked me out."

His voice was softer now, and I felt a tinge of guilt for resorting to violence like that, but I couldn't bring myself to apologize to him.

"After Saturday? What about Sunday, then?" I asked, impressed at how calm I managed to sound.

"I was really fucking freaked out on Sunday, but I didn't know what to do or what I was even thinking. I know it's fucked up, but I couldn't stop myself. You don't understand, even now it's so fucking hard to stop myself from touching you."

"If you're telling me you want to have sex with me right now, I will slap you again."

He laughed weakly. "No. I mean for the record, there has never been a single moment yet when I didn't want to have sex with you, but that's not what I meant. Bella, I just…can't. I can't do it. I want you so badly, but I just…I can't give you what you need or what you deserve right now."

That ball inside me began to glow and pulsate again. I stood up and turned to face him. "You keep talking about not wanting to hurt me, but you already _are_ hurting me! You're hurting me right now. Why doesn't _that_ matter?"

"It'll just get worse. It just… it's just not going to work. The deeper we get…it'll just get worse."

I took a deep breath and then just let everything come tumbling out of me. "You know, I didn't want to feel this way either! I kept telling myself that we were just hanging out and that I knew what you were like and that nothing would come of it and that I was just going to have fun. I kept telling myself that it didn't matter that you wouldn't call me your girlfriend, even though you took me on dates and brought me to your house and introduced me to your friends and bought me a dress, because you _treated_ me like a girlfriend and _that's_ what mattered. But I made it too damn easy for you. I made it too easy for you to treat me exactly how you labeled me: like nothing.

"I got blindsided here too, except that I just went with it, because I like you. And you have the nerve to talk about how much you care? That's the cheapest way to fucking get out of this. You're a coward and I hate myself for buying all of your crap. But I'm not buying this, Jasper. I am not going to let you just absolve yourself of everything. You're a liar. And if by some Christmas miracle you actually have feelings other than horniness, you damn well had them before you slept with me and you should have dealt with them then. Instead you waited to get what you wanted like a fucking lowlife."

I was still shaking and my jaw ached and my arms ached and my knees ached but I couldn't believe I wasn't crying. I brought my hand to my cheek just to check, thinking maybe I was and I didn't realize it—but it was dry.

When I felt his hand on my back, I jumped up and crossed the room, shaking my head. His hand dropped to the mattress and he stared at me for a moment before speaking.

"Fine, so I'm a coward and bastard. For what it's worth, I am sorry that I fucked up the order of things and that I'm emotionally retarded. I know you're mad and you don't believe me, and honestly it's probably better that you don't, but it doesn't make me any less resolved." He stood up and crossed the room. I backed up when he approached me but he grabbed my shoulders and held me firmly in place. "And no matter what you fucking say, I did not fucking get what I wanted."

We stared at each other for a moment and then his hands slid off my shoulders, down my arms to my hands. I pulled them away and crossed the room to the door. As I turned the knob, he came over.

"Wait," he said.

"I'll be right back," I responded and headed down the hall to the stairs.

I opened the front door and sprinted toward my truck to retrieve the dress that I prayed I wouldn't have to use. I jerked open the passenger door and yanked the dress from the seat and headed back up to the house.

When I got back upstairs Jasper was standing in the hallway by his room. He looked at the dress and shook his head, but I just walked past him into his room and threw it on the bed.

When I turned around he was walking towards me. "Take it back."

"C'mon, Bella, just keep it. It was a gift."

"I don't want it. I'm not going to the dance anyway. It's on Friday, and everyone else already has a date."

He picked the dress up off the bed and held it out to me. "Bella, I could still go with you. I told you I would take you and I'm not backing out."

I couldn't help but laugh. I pushed the dress back at him and said, "Why start keeping promises now, Jasper?"

"All right," he said, throwing the dress back on the bed. "Fucking whatever, I don't know what else to do."

And then there was nothing left to say. After a second, everything inside me softened and I just wanted to beg him to change his mind and to stop being such an idiot. The anger continued to give way to sadness and confusion and then I felt the tears welling up. I couldn't cry in front of him and any further conversation would likely just go in circles so I turned and stepped toward the door.

"Bella," he called after me in a soft voice.

That utterance of my name, in such a defeated tone, pushed the tears from my eyes. The floodgates opened and immediately my cheeks were soaked. I didn't turn around; I just shook my head and raised my hand in the air in a silent gesture that told him not to bother.

I hurried quickly down the hall and took the stairs two at a time. Edward and Carmen were standing in the hall near the living room. Both turned to stare at me as I flew past them and out the front door. I would have called it the most embarrassing moment of my high school career, except that came a few minutes later when I stood at my truck, sobbing, snorting, snotting and too shaky to even get the key into the door lock, and Edward came walking across the lawn. I tried to collect myself, but I was a lost cause.

I turned my back to him and pressed my temple against the window. I felt his hand gently grasp my shoulder. It was a simple gesture, but it felt so nice that it only made me cry harder. _Why the hell was I crying so much?_

I felt his hand move down my arm to mine and he took the keys from me. He unlocked the car door and I stepped back. He opened it and I climbed in, still hiccupping and leaking.

"Why don't you slide over?" he asked. "I'll drive you home. I don't think you should drive."

I protested, but moved over anyway. He climbed in and shoved the key in the ignition. The engine lazily turned over and the truck chugged to life. He drove some fancy luxury sedan and I was sure my old POS truck made him want to barf.

"Edward," I choked, "I can drive, it's okay. How will you get home?"

"Eli will come get me," he said. "Do you have tissues in here? Do you want me to go in the house?"

I shook my head and popped open the glove compartment to retrieve a travel pack of Kleenex. I wiped my eyes and quietly blew my nose, but I just continued to produce more fluid. I was on some kind of jag and I absolutely couldn't stop myself. I was pretty sure the mortification of Edward sitting in my truck watching me blubber like a toddler was only making it worse. I wanted to find a hole to crawl into.

Edward stared straight ahead, gripping the steering wheel. After a few minutes I looked over at him, wondering when he intended to shift gears and actually start driving. His jaw was clenched and I could see him grinding his teeth. I opened my mouth to say something, but he spoke first.

"Bella, I'm trying to stop myself from going up there. Give me a reason why I shouldn't go up there and fucking…"

"No! No, please don't. I don't want any more drama."

His fingers curled tighter around the steering wheel. "I'm sorry, I know none of this is any of my business and I don't want to upset you more, I just…" He turned to me, a pained expression on his face. "I really fucking hoped he wouldn't do this."

Or was that expression one of pity? _I really fucking hoped he wouldn't do this. _His words brought me back to the first time we met. What he was really saying was _I don't want to have to say I told you so, but... _Suddenly Rosalie's words from the party came back to me. I had all but disregarded them, but they took on new meaning now. I found it impossible to believe before, but she actually ended up being right about Jasper and now she had me doubting myself all over again. I had a strong urge to go back in that house and punch her in her stupid blonde head. My anger may have been misdirected, but I was pretty sure she deserved it.

I took a deep breath and composed myself as best I could. I had calmed down a bit since getting in the truck. I slid over a bit.

"I feel a little better and I think I'd rather just drive myself home."

Edward's grip on the steering wheel slackened a bit. "Bella, I don't mind taking you, really."

"No, I'm okay. I appreciate it, but I think I just need to be alone right now." I didn't want to further encourage his Bella Pity Party and my moderately composed state was precarious at best.

He dropped one hand and brought the other to his hair, running his fingers through it and pulling it forward. "Okay," he said, turning again to face me. "But if he comes out of his room and I have to see him…"

I half-smiled. "It's not worth it."

He frowned and put his hand on the door handle. "I feel like I should take you, Bella."

I shook my head. "Please. I'm fine."

He sighed heavily and opened the door. "I'll see you at school tomorrow then?"

I nodded, and as he climbed out I slid over and shifted into drive. He closed the door gently and walked around the back of the truck, heading back toward the house. I looked over before pulling away and noticed Rosalie leaning against the frame of the front door, arms crossed over her chest and her signature scowl painted across her face.

Before even turning out of their development I started to think about why I was so upset. I knew I liked Jasper and I was disappointed that he broke up with me, or whatever it's called when you're not actually a couple, but it felt like the horrible ache in the pit of my stomach came from something else, too. I realized that aside from my disappointment in Jasper and his treatment of this whole…_thing…_I was really fucking disappointed in myself. I knew what Jasper was like, and yet I still walked into this thing, telling myself I didn't care. Just like him, when I did start to care, I ignored it and ended up just digging myself deeper and deeper. I told him that us sleeping together was an unspoken promise, and yet I did it, without ever making clear what my expectations were. I did it knowing we probably had different ideas about what it meant for our relationship. And so in the end, how much could I even hold him accountable, without at least holding myself accountable for my eventual let down?

My emotions bounced back and forth between anger and sadness for the entire drive home. As mad and disappointed as I was with Jasper, I was already beginning to miss him. I thought about Saturday night and Sunday morning and then the anger came back, because I felt like an idiot for feeling so much with him. The crying started all over again about five minutes from home when my level of desperation reached a peak. I felt like I was being pushed around between all these fucking emotions and my disappointment in myself. When I pulled into the garage I collapsed against the steering wheel, soaking the old leather with my tears.

I nearly jumped out of my skin when the door suddenly opened. Before I fully registered what was happening, Renee was pulling me from the truck and into the house. She wrapped her arm around my waist, and pulled my head against her, leading me toward the stairs. I think I even heard myself wail _Mommy, _as I clutched her shirt.

"Baby, what on earth happened?" Her voice sounded full of panic and concern, and I felt bad for scaring her.

I opened my mouth to speak but a ragged sob came out instead. When we got to my room I crawled into bed and Renee followed, pulling me into her arms and alternating between rubbing my back and pressing my head against her chest.

"Bella, honey, tell me what happened to you, please!"

I took a few deep breaths before speaking, "Jasper broke up with me!" I wailed, hiccupping mid-sentence. For some reason, whenever my mother was around my crying only got worse.

"Oh baby, I am so sorry." She hugged me tighter. I detected a small amount of relief in her voice and I wondered what she had been expecting to hear. "Can you tell me what happened?" Her voice was more soothing now, less frantic.

It took me a few minutes to calm down, but finally I was able to speak. "He told me…he told me he…liked me too much to keep going out with me."

She barely suppressed a giggle. "He what?"

"He said he didn't want to hurt me, and if we dated he would. He said he didn't want to like me so much," I said against her chest, my voiced muffled and whiny.

"Honey, I am so sorry. I know you're upset. I know that he seems like some older and wiser guy, but he's still just a boy, and boys can be really stupid and really unaware. I know you feel rejected, but this is all about him. He's just scared."

"Everyone told me he would do this. I feel so stupid!"

"You went with your heart, Bella. You can't let other people dictate what you do and who you care about. I know it's hard to be disappointed like that, but don't lose your faith in people all together, okay? Learn from your experience, but don't just close yourself off."

Renee's words made sense, even though I was still tempted to swear off boys and dating forever after this mess. As if sensing that I wasn't fully convinced, she continued.

"And Bella, it's been what, a little over a month? Don't be so hard on yourself. At least this all happened early, before things got too serious and you got too close. It would have been so much harder…"

She was cut off by another wailing sob that erupted from my chest when she talked about getting out early. She had no idea why, but now she was just making me feel worse.

She sat up abruptly and pulled me away from her chest a bit, holding my arms and forcing me to look at her. The panicky concerned look was back.

"Bella, did you sleep with him?" she asked.

My jaw dropped a little bit at the question. How did I manage to give myself away so easily? I just stared at her for a minute, unable to answer.

"Bella, it's me. Just tell me the truth."

By the look in her face, I could tell she already knew the answer. I simply nodded and looked away.

"Oh, Bella. Oh, honey. Did you use protection?"

"Mommmmm!" I wailed.

"You think you're grown up enough to have sex? Well, then you're grown up enough to talk about it. Bella, did he use a condom?"

"Yes!" I shouted, wondering just how much more embarrassing this day could get.

"Good. Come here, baby. I am so sorry," she said pulling me back into her arms. "I didn't want this for you. That's why Phil and I were so concerned, Bella. We didn't want this for you."

"I'm sorry, Mom," I said, a fresh round of tears soaking her shirt. "I didn't…I didn't think it was such a big deal."

She scratched my scalp, knowing that always soothed me. "Honey, someday when you have a daughter you'll understand. Since the day you were born, I've been preparing for a day like this, but I guess you can never really be prepared. For a parent, it's never easy to see your baby's heart get broken. Everything we do that seems annoying or overbearing, we do to protect you from this very thing and, sweetie, we're protecting ourselves, too."

"I'm sorry, Mom," I whimpered, "I don't want you to be disappointed in me."

"I'm not, Bella. I just wish I could have protected you from this. I should have done more."

I shook my head. "No, it wouldn't have worked. I was so blind, I would have just gotten mad at you. And if you had let Phil have his way…"

"Honey, I know you struggle with Phil trying to parent you, but you have to understand he's grown to care about you. If you care about him, you have to let him be at least kind of a dad sometimes."

"Are you going to tell him?"

She sighed. "I don't know. On one hand I know nothing good will come of it, but on the other hand, he's my partner, Bella. He cares about you and I feel like I shouldn't hide this from him."

"Oh God, gross. Please don't tell him, I am sure he doesn't even want to know."

"I'll have to think about all of this, Bella. Just try not to worry about that right now," she smoothed the wet strands of hair away from my face. "Bella, baby, I just hope you realize now that sex is a very serious thing. It's not something you do on a whim, it can have life-long repercussions, and it's not something you do to get a boy to like you."

I nodded and covered my face with my hand, so completely mortified and upset over this conversation and this whole fucking day.

"I think you should go to sleep. You're exhausted, and that's only going to make you feel worse. Find some peace for a little bit, sweetie. You'll feel better when you wake up."

"Don't leave just yet," I whispered, wrapping my arm around her waist.

"I'm not leaving," she murmured.

I couldn't remember the last time I lay with Renee like this. As miserable and ashamed as I was, it almost felt nice to just lie there, feeling safe and comforted, like maybe I could be a kid again and all the stuff that led me here would suddenly disappear from my realm of concern. No boys, no sex, no love, no disappointment. Just my family.

And just like when I was a child, Renee began to hum "My Girl." I suddenly I became aware of my exhaustion and fell asleep quickly, soothed by the vibration of my mother's chest as she sang to me.

**www(dot)fortheloveofjasper(dot)com**


	18. I John 3:18

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, not me. **

**Thanks to Legna989 for her beta services, and to her wife ElleCC for the Bible quote, again.

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**

_"Let us love, not in word or speech, but in truth and action."_

_**1 John 3:18

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**_

_**Edward Cullen**_

I reluctantly left Bella in the truck, not wanting to push her while she was so upset. I didn't know what to say, what to do, or how to be there for her. I wanted so badly to touch her, to hold her, but I knew that wasn't the best idea. Even though we had formed some kind of a friendship, it wasn't one that allowed for that kind of comforting. There was tension there, tension that could lead to a misinterpretation of my actions, and I really didn't want her to think I was taking advantage of her in that state. So when she said she wanted to be alone, I left her to herself, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do.

Fuck, I was so close. So close to pulling her into my arms and kissing her tears and telling her that I would never fucking make her cry like that. I would never abuse her trust and take advantage of her. But then I glanced to the front of the house and saw Rosalie standing there arms folded and face all scrunched up and I realized who was I to talk?

I walked back up to the house and repeated to myself over and over again like a fucking mantra that _it is wrong to hit a girl_, _it is wrong to hit a girl. _

"Well, what the _hell _was that," Rosalie snapped when I got to the door.

"She looked really upset. Too upset to drive. I offered to give her a ride home," I said. I didn't feel the need to justify though I knew I would have to at some point.

"_Why?_" she spat, tapping her foot nervously, or angrily, on the patio.

"Because it was the nice thing to do," I looked into her eyes, and my expression told her that it would be wise not to argue with me. I was pretty fucking close to ending this little masquerade, regardless of my promise.

She looked up, out of the corner of her eye and shook her head. The tears were welling in her eyes and I had never cared less. I wanted to spit on her. She had no sympathy. Her brother had just broken this girl, this girl who never did anything to her, and she had no sympathy whatsoever.

"You could be a little less obvious you know," she said, her voice nearly giving out mid-sentence.

"Rosalie, I've tried to be honest. You said graduation," I said, rubbing the back of my neck.

"You said you needed a break. You didn't say you had your eye on someone else."

"I didn't Rosalie. Don't try to make it about that, because it's not. No matter what, it never was."

"Whatever…I," she was about to go on but turned when we heard Jasper coming down the stairs.

Carmen, Eric and Eli were all standing by the entrance to the kitchen, watching the drama unfold before them. Everything had gotten so out of hand.

I could almost hear the snap inside me when I saw Jasper's face. He didn't look happy. In fact he looked like shit, which made me feel just a tiny bit better. He deserved to feel like shit. He blew past Rosalie and I at the front entrance and moved towards the kitchen.

"Get a good look, kids," he quipped as he passed everyone standing by the kitchen.

Rosalie and I put our fight on hold and walked back into the house. Jasper came out of the kitchen with keys in his hand.

I was like a pressure-cooker, getting angrier by the second though I really had no idea what to say to him. He looked up and saw it in my face though.

He pointed a finger at me as he walked over. "You. Don't start with me, Junior. I'm in no fucking mood for you."

"Well, we wouldn't fucking want you to be upset now, would we?" I said. Rosalie gripped my arm, a gesture of warning and protectiveness. She must have figured Jasper wasn't bluffing.

"Really, Edward? You want to do this?" he said, stopping a few feet from me.

"Do what? Fight? Give me a fucking break you caveman."

"No, that's not what I meant, E. I meant do you want to play the 'What's It to You?' game? Right here, in front of all your little friends?"

I knew what he was going to do. He was going to try to call me out, to make slanderous accusations and try to fucking absolve himself of what I hope was his overwhelming guilt. "Whatever gets you through the night, Jasper."

His eyes narrowed. "Like I said, I am in no fucking mood." He threw his keys in the air and caught them again. "I'll deal with you later."

He moved past Rosalie and I toward the door.

Rosalie stepped forward and grabbed his arm. "How much have you had to drink?"

He shook his arm from her grip. "Give me a break…Mama Rosalie? Do me a favor, don't wait up."

With that he hopped down the step at the front door and jogged to his car.

"God, he's a fucking idiot," she said. Her tone was angry, but tears began to spill down her cheeks.

Reverend Hale opened the sliding door and stepped into the kitchen just as we walked back in the room. His eyes zeroed in on Rosalie immediately. God knows, the world stops turning when Rosalie is crying.

"Angel, what's wrong?" he said, rushing to her side. He wrapped his arms around her and she shrunk from him.

"Nothing, Daddy. I'm fine!"

"Was it something your brother did? Or that one over there?" he asked, glaring and nodding his head towards me.

"It's fine, Daddy. I am fine, just leave me alone," she snapped. I had never heard her refuse attention from her father before. She ate that shit up, normally.

"Angel, don't talk to Daddy that way. It's disrespectful."

The rest of us exchanged awkward glances.

"Stop it!" she wailed. She ducked from his loose embrace and ran upstairs.

Reverend Hale sighed heavily, as Mrs. Hale stepped into the kitchen. "All right folks, I think it's time everyone headed home," he said, flashing me another nasty glare. He made his way to the stairs, to follow Rosalie.

We quickly packed up our things and shuffled towards the door, more than happy to get the fuck out of that awkward scene. As we were leaving Mrs. Hale called behind us in a cheerful voice, "Y'all come back now! Bye!"

I waved goodbye to Eric and Ben and walked with Eli and Carmen to their car.

"Well, that was awkward," Eli said, mussing his curly black hair. "What the hell happened?"

"I don't know, Bella was upset, I went to talk to her. Rosalie was a bitch as usual. I really have no idea what happened, to be honest."

"That Bella girl, why was she crying?" Carmen asked, "Did Jasper pull the old fuck and run?"

I shrugged. I fucking hated hearing Bella referred to as a "fuck." "I don't really know what's going on. I imagine it's something like that. I mean…I don't know. I have no idea," I stammered, because I didn't want to fucking gossip about it, and I didn't want to think, I mean _really think_, about why she was crying.

We talked for a couple minutes by the car and then parted ways. I went home and stared at my phone for two hours trying to decide if I should call Bella or not. It seemed like I should; it seemed like I should make sure she got home okay. I thought maybe I should tell her that she could call me if she needed to talk or if she needed to get out, but then I started to doubt myself, like maybe she would think _why the fuck would I want to talk to you about my boyfriend? _I winced at the thought of her calling Jasper her boyfriend. I had no idea what exactly Jasper was to her, all I did know was that there was a limited window where I could show her that I could be more, and about a million ways to fuck it all up.

. . .

My day came to a grinding halt when Bella didn't show up for Bio on Thursday. I supposed I should have expected it, but I couldn't help but feel worried. Not to mention I had thought about her all night, and when she didn't show I knew my day would crawl forward from there.

The dance was on Friday and it was all any of my friends could talk about. These people lived for dances and social gatherings. I couldn't give less of a fuck and now I figured Bella wouldn't be there, and the prospect of going became even less attractive. But I had to because everyone I knew was going, and the shit fit Rosalie would pitch if I tried to bail would be epic. Not to mention I had some obligation to my school, because Rosalie and I were King and Queen or whatever the fuck. My stomach turned just thinking of it.

Two dances. Graduation. Freedom.

Of course, now the thought didn't bring quite the same level of joy as it used to.

At lunch I gave in and ducked into the hall for a moment to send Bella a text.

_You ok? Or as good as can be expected?_

She spared me the torture and responded quickly.

_Yeah, I'll be ok. :) Thank you for yesterday. _

I smiled as soon as I received it. I immediately hit reply, but I couldn't think of anything to say. I didn't want to screw up or overstep my boundaries. I was happy to know she was all right, so I left it at that.

I closed my phone and turned to walk back to the Caf when I almost ran into Eli.

"Hey man, what are you doing out here?" he asked.

"I just had to send a text," I said, stuffing the phone in my pocket. "I'm picking Emmett up at the airport today."

"Oh sweet, Em's back!"

"Yeah," I said, running my hands through my hair.

"You all right?"

"Yeah, what do you mean?"

"I don't know. You've been a bit out of sorts, and the whole Rosalie thing, and then last night…"

I wasn't all right. All of this shit was wearing me down and I had no idea what to do about it. I started to walk away from the cafeteria, down the empty corridor towards the gym. Eli followed without hesitating.

"Remember how you asked me if there was someone else?" I said when we were far enough away from the caf and the students surrounding it.

"Yeah," he responded flatly.

"There is."

"Yeah."

"It's Bella."

"Yeah."

"That's it? That's your reaction?"

"I had a feeling… I mean…I feel like I kind of knew."

"That obvious?"

"Well. Yeah. I mean maybe not to everyone, but to me it was."

"I don't know what to do. I'm really fucking hung up on her."

"You could start by breaking up with Rosalie, and then asking her out," he offered, as if it was all a fucking no-brainer.

I sighed heavily. "First, I promised Rosalie we'd stay together…ish…until graduation, so as not to fuck up her life completely. Second, Bella was with Jasper, and now she's all broken up over Jasper. Third, I am moving to New York in the fall."

Eli pursed his lips and squinted. "Well, you know, you're going to break up with Rosalie anyway…why not just do it? She'll move on. As for the rest of it…yeah, that's tough. You could tell Bella how you feel, at least to get it out there. She can decide how she wants to take it. The New York thing…yeah, there's no getting around that."

I nodded solemnly. "This is all really fucking inconvenient."

"When did you start liking her, anyway?"

"I don't know. Well, I guess it was when Jasper first mentioned her. I mean, she was in my classes but I didn't really notice her before, and then the Monday after he was talking about her and I knew who she was, I don't know, it was like she flipped a switch."

"Jealousy?"

"No. I mean yes, I quickly became really fucking jealous, but that wasn't it. Jasper has been with a lot of girls. I never gave a shit about any of the other ones."

"Huh," he said, stopping to lean against some lockers. "I guess that shit just happens. Shouldn't you be stoked right now? This whole time she was with Jasper, but now she's not. You'd think this is your golden opportunity."

"She's really upset. I can't try to lay game when she's upset like this. It would be weird."

He nodded and then shrugged. "So you're basically back at square one. Take Rose to the dance, do the whole graduation thing. Let Bella get over the Jasper mess and then I don't know…start thinking about how you feel about long distance relationships."

That was exactly my plan all along, and suddenly sounded so much worse when vocalized. Graduation, though less than a month away, felt like years away. I had been holding back with Bella practically since the day I met her. Every single day that I kept this shit in, I felt a little tighter, a little closer to bursting. I needed her to know so badly and I needed to know if there was a chance in hell for us. This whole uncertainty thing was fucking me up. If the answer was no, at the very least I had New York.

"I don't know, man," I said, turning back towards the Caf, "I don't feel like thinking about this shit any more. I'm getting a headache."

"Is she here today?" Eli asked.

"Nah. She stayed home. I'm not kidding, she was really fucked up last night."

He shook his head and laughed a little. "Jasper's got mad game though, you've got to admit. What a fucking plumber."

"Plumber?"

"Expert pipe-layer," he explained before laughing harder.

I punched him in the arm. "Fuck you, asshole. That's the last fucking thing you should be saying right now."

"Sorry, dude. But don't worry, you're like…you're the bricklayer or whatever the fuck. You're laying the foundation. Your house is gonna hold up way longer. And he's just gonna end up elbows deep in shit."

I laughed. "I don't think that analogy really made sense, dude. But okay."

"Whatever," he said, his expression turning serious, "you got the meaning."

I rolled my eyes as we walked back into the cafeteria, but a part of me hoped that Eli's messed up analogy held a little truth. I just hoped she would be able to tell the difference between a bricklayer and a plumber.

. . .

I stood at the pick-up area in Terminal 4 of Sky Harbor staring at the arrivals board. The likelihood of Emmett missing his flight was pretty high, but I hadn't heard from him so that was a good sign.

I was about to go buy a drink when Emmett burst through the doors, two giant duffel bags on his arms and dragging a big suitcase behind him. He'd gotten bigger this semester, and his dark wavy hair had grown out considerably.

"Brohamster!" he called out when he saw me.

He bounded over to me as if his bags were empty and when he reached me he pulled me into an embarrassing bear hug before putting me in a headlock and mussing my hair. I wondered if he would ever stop treating me like I was five.

"Em, it's good to see you. You actually look good."

"Damn straight I do. I'm gonna try to shake my ass for Abercrombie again this summer. Emski owes a few people a few bucks. Hey, you should join me. You're not really 'Crombie material but maybe Hollister would take you."

I ignored him and led him to the car, taking one of the duffel bags off his hands. The thing weighed five hundred pounds.

"Careful, that one's my meth lab," he said. "Psych, it's a dead hooker."

"I hope you're hungry. Mom made you about five of your favorite meals."

"The prodigal son has returned. One of those meals better be some fucking pierogies," he said, tossing his shit into my trunk.

"Yup, they were on the menu."

"Just wait 'til I give them my grades. They are gonna be feeding me pierogies all summer, baby. 3.2 G.P.A, all night long."

"Damn…not bad Em."

"Turns out I am a fucking awesome Political Scientist. What about you, E? You staying in school and saying no to drugs and shit?"

"My G.P.A is all right, yeah."

"What is it?"

"4.0."

He snorted. "Yeah, well…high school is small potatoes." He tried to keep a serious face but he couldn't. He smiled brightly and hit me on the shoulder. "Good job, baby bro. I'm glad I don't have to kick your ass around the house first thing."

Emmett fiddled with the radio as I pulled out onto the highway. He settled on some nondescript rock station and then turned to me.

"Where's your hot girlfriend?"

"At her house," I said, knowing the tension and awkwardness in my voice was obvious.

"Uh-oh spaghettio. What did you do?"

"Nothing. I didn't do anything, we're just scaling back a little bit."

"Scaling back? You don't scale back, dude. That is never good. What the hell, whose idea was that?"

"Mine. Our paths are diverging."

"Well if that isn't the dumbest fucking shit I've ever heard. You are never, ever, going to get a hotter girlfriend. So what are you doing now, testing the waters? Dipping your toe in other vaginas?"

"Fuck, no. I'm just trying to figure shit out. There's a lot more to Rosalie than her looks, you know, and I'm discovering it's mostly not pleasant."

"Discovering? Just now? Why did it take you fifteen years, 'tardo? Maybe you bring out the worst in her."

"It's possible. I don't feel like talking about it. Not with you anyway. It's impossible to for you to be impartial."

"Damn straight, I'm partial to her ass all right." He snickered a bit at his own joke but regained composure when he saw that I wasn't laughing with him. "Okay, okay, I'll shut up. Sorry."

When we got home, my mom was out of the house before we pulled the bags from the trunk, kissing Emmett all over his face and crying because she was kind of dramatic like that.

We went inside and she had a whole fucking spread on the table for Emmett's fat ass. I could have been bitter but I knew she missed him and all that food looked pretty good.

Carlisle came downstairs a few minutes later and greeted Em with his signature handshake and arm pat. We all sat down to dinner and Emmett provided most of the conversation, filling us in on the goings-on of his entire semester, leaving out the good stuff like the girls, the drinking, the trips to Vegas, and the money transfers.

After dinner he and I sat in the basement and played Wii until we felt the onset of carpal tunnel syndrome. I was sort of grateful to have Emmett back home. If anything, he could distract me from shit better than anyone else I knew.

. . .

Bella was back the next day and I wasn't prepared for the sight of her. I couldn't shake the image of her shaking and crying from my head and while she was beautiful even when broken, she looked better than ever when she walked into Bio that morning. She seemed rested, her hair was down and it looked all soft and clean, and her skin was all shimmery and, fuck, I just wanted to bury my face in her neck.

She smiled and waved at me and then took her seat. The whole class was fucking painful, worse than the day before because I hated knowing she was there and I couldn't talk to her or sit next to her. I occupied myself by half-reading the copy of _On the Road _I had stuffed between the chapter on Tissues, Organ Systems and Homeostasis in my Bio book.

When the bell rang I headed to the door, hesitating for a moment at end of the first row of tables so that I could walk out with Bella.

"How are you?" I asked as we walked to the door.

"I'm okay. I'm…I'm sorry about the other day. God, that was embarrassing."

I shook my head. "Don't. Fuck, seriously…don't."

She smiled weakly and I saw the sadness still hadn't left her eyes. She slept, she showered, but she was still hurting.

After that initial exchange, I was tongue-tied. I had no words. Actions? I had plenty of those. I wanted to grab her, to drag her into some darkened room and hold her against me like I had wanted to in her truck. I wanted to kiss her hair and her fingers and her forehead and her downturned mouth and, fuck, so many other things. But I had no words.

I didn't need them, either, because when we got to the door her girlfriends were on her instantly, all hands and whiny voices, dragging her from me to console her. I was glad she had them, but I resented them for taking her away from me. She turned back and smiled apologetically as Alice hooked an arm around hers and pulled her down the hall.

When I walked into Calculus that afternoon, Bella and her friend Angela were already seated, whispering quietly. Bella was looking in her lap, nodding slowly as Angela leaned into her ear, lips moving quickly. As I walked past their row, Bella looked up and offered a tired smile. She was so sad, sad because of that fuckwit Jasper, which meant she had feelings for him, and yet the sight of her still made something stir in me. I felt like a creep.

I slumped into my desk for another torturous period. Mr. K droned on, solving a seemingly endless problem on the board. I pulled my Kerouac from my book bag, shoved it in my textbook and managed to zone out for the remainder of the class. A few seconds after the bell rang I finished the last line of the chapter I was reading and looked up to see Bella standing in front of me.

"So, I was just looking at my Bio syllabus. We present on Monday."

"Yeah. We're pretty much good to go, right?"

"I think so. Did you want to meet once more just to go over our presentation?"

"Sure. How about Sunday afternoon?"

"Okay. Sounds good."

I got up and we walked towards the door, where her friend Angela was waiting. It appeared that Bella was going to be constantly flanked by tiny bodyguards from now on.

"I'll see you Sunday, I guess?" I said as we walked through the door. What I meant was, _will I see you earlier than that? Are you going to the dance? _

"Yeah, and at the dance tonight, probably. If you're going…well, of course you're going."

I held the smile in and simply nodded. "Oh, I'll be there," I said, suddenly looking forward to it.

I waved as she allowed Angela to lead her down the hall in the opposite direction.

I stopped at the tailor on the way home after soccer practice to pick up my suits. There were two because even though the dances were ridiculously close together and required the same attire, Rosalie said I was not allowed to wear the same one twice, and my tie and pocket square had to coordinate with her outfit. Tonight's suit was dark gray with a black shirt, black tie, and black pocket square, which didn't exactly match the guidelines Rosalie set out for me.

When I got home, Emmett was by the pool with his friends from high school, Marc and Aaron, and about eight girls in bikinis. I shook my head and tossed the suits on the table and went to the fridge to get a drink. I cracked open a can of coke and when I turned around Emmett was coming in from the patio. I nodded to him as I took a swig.

"Midday party?" I asked after swallowing.

"Just another lazy summer afternoon at Hefmett's mansion. You should invite Rosalie and your homies over for a dip."

"She's probably already getting ready for the dance tonight."

"Oh, you have a dance. That is the cutest thing. I'll have to get a photo of you two for my wallet."

"Shut the fuck up. Where the hell did you find these girls anyway?"

"They're Fitches. Crombie-hags. Hey, is Jasper still around?"

I frowned and finished the can of soda before answering. "Yeah, he's still here."

"Is he still a total fuck-up? Man, I love that guy."

"He's an ass. I gotta go shower, I'm all sweaty and stuff."

Emmett saluted me as I grabbed the suits off the table and headed up the stairs.

"Let me know if you need help with your make-up!" I heard him call to me before sliding open the patio door.

. . .

At seven-thirty, I picked up Carmen and Eli and we were at Rosalie's by 7:45. Victoria's car was already parked out front. I took a deep breath; the thought of seeing Bella tonight was the just about the only thing stopping me from getting back in the car and driving home.

Carmen knocked on the door and Mrs. Hale answered it, squealing as soon as she laid eyes on us.

"Oh goodness, just look at y'all!" she squeaked. She grabbed Carmen's hands and yanked her into the house, and Eli and I followed, rolling our eyes at each other.

"Carmen don't you look _bonita!_" she exclaimed, speaking to Carmen in "her language" even though Carm barely spoke any Spanish.

She chose to compliment Eli in English rather than Yiddish and then turned to me.

"Well aren't you just the handsomest thing," she said, grabbing my face with one hand and patting the top of my head lightly with the other. "That's quite a 'do you have there, hon!"

Reverend Hale stepped into the hall from the kitchen, dressed in khakis, a polo shirt and a sport coat, his blonde hair slicked back. He nodded curtly at me and smiled at Carmen and Eli.

"Darlin' we need to get going soon. Why don't you go up and tell Rosalie we'd like to take some pictures before we go?"

She nodded and turned back to us. "Y'all can go wait in the living room with Victoria and Garrett. Rosalie will be right down."

We walked into the living room to find Victoria and Garrett, a senior at St. Paul's, sitting on a couch next to Jasper. Dottie, the Hales' cleaning lady was tidying the room.

Victoria immediately hopped off the couch and ran over to Carmen. They complimented each other's everything and then excused themselves to go find Rosalie, leaving Garrett, Eli and I with Jasper. He didn't even look up to acknowledge us, but just kept staring at the television. He was watching a Spanish hidden camera show.

Dottie tidied the table, lifting Jasper's feet to clean beneath them before turning on a small hand held vacuum. She vacuumed the chair next to him, the end table, the couch, and then ran the vacuum down the front of Jasper's shirt. He watched her with an unimpressed expression but did nothing to discourage her.

"Boy's become part of the furniture," she said to us, shaking her head. "He needs dusting too, just like the rest of it!"

Eli and Garrett chuckled and Jasper frowned, but remained focused on the TV. I seriously hoped that this wasn't wallowing I was witnessing, because as far as I was concerned, he had no fucking right.

"He's ornery as all get out, too," she continued, shaking her head. "Your girlfriend looks real pretty, Edward. I hope you kids have a good time tonight!" With that she switched off the vacuum, smacked Jasper's feet, and turned to leave.

We sat in uncomfortable silence for a little longer, all of us pretending to pay attention to _Primer Impacto_. Finally, the girls came downstairs all wearing variations on a dress theme. Rosalie wore a strapless black dress with a large white bow around the waist and some sort of frilly lace bottom part. Carmen wore a tight black halter dress with white piping around the bodice, and Victoria wore a black strapless dress with that white fluffy stuff underneath.

Rose's eyes scanned my outfit and then she frowned. "You were supposed to wear a black suit, white tie and pocket square, Edward. You're monochrome!"

"Rosalie, everything I tried on like that made me look like some Donnie Brasco wannabe. I like this better. It's still black; we still match."

She opened her mouth to argue more but Mrs. Hale and the Reverend came in demanding pictures be taken. Sara-Jane staged a whole photo shoot. There was one of all of us, of me and Rose, of her and Rose, of Rose and the Reverend, of all the boys, and one of all the girls. By the time we were finished, I was ready to tear my hair out. I couldn't wait to get to the dance so we could start drinking whatever Eli had in his flask.

. . .

I could hear the music before we even got to the doors. It was something god-awful like the Pussycat Dolls or one of those other skank hip-pop bands. Eric and I had discussed the playlist and he had taken some direction from me, but I knew a majority of the night would have to consist of this kind of trite bullshit music.

"I hope you brought the big flask," I mumbled to Eli, under my breath.

"I got you covered," he said, laughing.

We walked through the doors and instantly heads turned. That's how it was at these things and that's why I hated them. Rosalie, on the other hand, came to life at a school dance. It was like something switched on inside her, like she fed off all the attention from those stares as she walked by. She looked good; no doubt by high school standards she was the best looking in the room, but I knew her too well, and her face looked different to me than it did to most others. So while everyone watched Rose, Carmen and Vic strut across the gym, my eyes scanned the room for Bella.

Now, not once did she ever disappoint in the looks department, but I had never considered what would happen when she really went all out. And she went all out tonight. She was leaning against a table to the left of the stage wearing a short strapless black dress with pale pink polka dots. She was all legs in that dress and, fuck me, she was even wearing some nice black patent leather heels. Her hair was curled on the ends and pulled into pigtails, tied with pink ribbons. I brought my hand to my forehead and covered my eyes because,damn, I think my dick actually ached at the sight of her.

A throng of "acquaintances" had surrounded Rosalie, Vic and Carmen so Garrett, Eli and I made our way to an empty table. Garrett and I went to get punch and when we returned Eli offered to spike it for us.

"This better not be fucking Manischewitz again, dude," I said when he handed my plastic cup back to me.

He laughed. "No way, I got some tequila this time."

I took a swig and practically choked. Don Julio this stuff was not. It tasted like turpentine and Eli put way too much in. Just as I was about to set the cup down, Soulja Boy came on, so instead I opted to drink the whole thing in two gulps and go back for seconds.

I avoided dancing with Rosalie as much as I could throughout the night. She obviously liked all the music I hated and when a song I did like came on, I wasn't really interested in sharing it with her. She surrounded herself with her girls for most of the night, and we danced only when Carmen and Vic were dancing with Eli and Garrett.

I tried to figure out who Bella was there with, but it didn't seem like anyone. Her whole group of friends was there and they all intermingled. Mike Newton was hanging around her a lot, but then she also danced with Tyler and Alec and even Eric when he took a break from the DJ booth. Most of the time, though, she seemed to hang back with Alice or Angela. I couldn't tell if I was relieved or not that she didn't seem to have a date, because instead of being jealous of just one guy dancing with her and touching her, I had to be jealous of a whole fucking bunch of them.

Midway through the night we _finally _crossed paths at the refreshments table. She was standing there with Alice when Eli and I walked up to get drinks for the table.

"Hey," she said, as we walked up. "Nice suit! Fancy."

I laughed. "I could say the same about your dress."

She looked down and shook her head. "Thanks," she said, taking a bite of a carrot stick, "but it's not. My mom wore it on New Years Eve in 1987."

"Vintage, even better," I observed. Her great-grandma could have worn it in fucking 1927 for all I cared. I would still want her to wear it every fucking day.

"Impressive," Alice piped up, giving me an approving nod.

"Seriously though, you look amazing," I said, absentmindedly taking the cup Eli was handing me.

Fuck, _amazing_ was not an _out loud_ word. _Nice_ would have been good, but _amazing_ wasn't supposed to have been said outside of my brain. _Nice_ is a compliment you give to a friend; _amazing_ implies that while the dress looks good, I really want to tear it off you and throw you on the table. I feared my extended commentary had also escaped my mouth when she blushed and Alice raised her eyebrows a little bit, looking back and forth between us. _Fuck, shit, ass, Edward why don't you just go ahead and hump her leg now?_

"Thank you," she mumbled, looking down nervously. I fucking loved the way she took a compliment. Perhaps the tequila was getting to me because I was starting to feel a little hot and uncomfortable and she probably could have spat and picked a wedgie and still I would have been turned on.

I figured I needed to excuse myself before I did or said any more stupid shit, so I took another cup offered by Eli and held them up. "Well, we gotta go deliver some drinks."

She nodded and Alice waved, though she narrowed her eyes at me a bit. I backed away slowly, flashing her a curious glance before turning back towards the table.

I made it through Britney Spears and even Lady Gaga, but when that "I Kissed a Girl" song came on and all three girls at the table shrieked and jumped up, I had to bolt. I stood up quickly and noticed that the gym seemed to tilt a bit. I loosened my tie and yanked it off. I tossed it on the table and undid the first two buttons of my shirt as well. I walked toward the back doors of the gym and pushed them open to find myself outside. I walked up the cement path along the wall and was about to turn a corner when I heard the doors open again. I turned around to see Alice walking with purpose towards me.

"Hey, Edward Cullen!" she shouted as she approached.

"Hey, Alice…" I started, realizing I didn't know her last name.

"Brandon!" she said shaking her head and rolling her eyes. "I need to talk to you about something."

I nodded. I was more than happy to talk to Alice. I was more than happy in general, actually; I was tipsy.

"Let's sit," she said gesturing to a picnic table.

I nodded and sat down on the tabletop, resting my feet on the bench. She remained standing in front of me. "So, Bella's gonna kill me for saying what I am about to say, but I am, like, compelled to. Especially after that whole sexual tension-laced exchange at the food table."

I snorted, loudly, but she just kept going.

"You don't know this, because boys are dumb and blind and because Bella has always been the suffer-in-silence type, but she's had a crush on you since, like…since the day you moved here."

I stopped breathing and nearly rolled off the table.

"Yeah I know, let's save the whole Sally Field acceptance speech for a sec, though, because that's not all this is about. Normally, I would never tell a fucking secret like that, but I am getting the impression that maybe you might like her a bit, too."

"I-"

"Oh my God, just shut up until I say you can talk, okay? Interruptions won't work here. Anyway, I might be crazy, but between the googly-eyes and the making of playlists and shit I just get the feeling like maybe it's _finally _not one-sided. And we'll talk about that more later—because really, what the fuck—but then this whole Jasper thing happened and I know you know about that, too. So, I just…I don't think I can take seeing Bella get dicked around anymore, and I know you're with Rosalie and I don't know what your deal is or whatever, but basically I just wanted to say that if you don't like her, like if you're not actually seriously interested, then I need you to leave her alone because I don't want her getting fucked up and jaded on boys before we even graduate high school."

She took a deep breath, followed by a deep exhalation and then started at me. After a second she shook her head, "Oh yeah, you can talk."

I thought about my words for a second. "I didn't know she felt that way."

Alice looked unimpressed.

"I'm…I'm pretty much obsessed with her, but this whole time she's been with Jasper, and I really didn't think."

"This whole time? She hasn't been with Jasper that long."

"Well I mean the whole time that I've…"

"That you actually realized she existed? Yeah, I get it. I mean I don't get it, actually but, you know."

"Listen, I don't know you so I am not going to give you my whole life story, but suffice it to say I haven't really paid attention to much of anything outside of soccer since I moved here. I know I am an ass, but I've just been on autopilot for a while."

Alice nodded slowly and then a smile crept across her face. When she looked up at me it was a full-on grin.

"Did you say you're obsessed with her?"

"No, what I meant was that, you know, I like her too and I think about her all the time and I want to remove all of Jasper's internal organs with a butter knife."

The smile widened.

"Not gonna lie, Edward Cullen, I kinda like you right now."

"Thanks, I guess I like you, too."

"So, you like her. She likes you. Problem solved?"

"Not really. I mean, there's kind of still this issue of Rosalie and me, which won't be an issue for long, but still. And then there's this thing with Jasper. I mean, she's upset."

She nodded and chewed on her lip. "Right. Well, I'm not your fairy godmother or whatever. I'm not here to solve your problems. I just got sick of the whole communication breakdown thing, and I wanted to make sure my girl wasn't having her emotions screwed with again."

I nodded slowly, wishing she could tell me what the hell to do about all of this. My brain was still all fuzzy with the tequila and the knowledge that Bella has liked me since 10th fucking grade. _God, I am a dick_. I could have had her, way before Jasper ever laid eyes on her, and instead I just plopped my balls in Rosalie's palm and let her drag me around by them ever since. Because she was blonde, and pretty, and because being with her meant I didn't ever have to take a fucking risk or put my heart on the line.

"So, I'm gonna go inside now because I guess you need to be introspective for awhile or whatever. So, anyway, I am glad you're not a total douchebag. See you in there." She turned and skipped back down the path and disappeared through the double doors from which we both had come.

I tried to think about what to do with this new information but I couldn't process anything past the fact that Bella had liked me this whole fucking time. I started down the path of what could have been and then finally I just stopped, because it wasn't doing me, or Bella, any fucking good. I stood up and walked back inside.

Eric had hit the "slow dance" portion of the set. He had this whole theory he droned on to me about how you start up with the fun shit and then after everyone has been grinding on each other for most of the night you slow it down and put everyone in the mood for romance. He must have been on to something, because the dance floor was full. Rosalie waved to me from our table as soon as I got inside and I walked over to her.

"Okay, we're doing the whole King and Queen announcement after this song. Where have you been?" she asked, buttoning my collar and attempting to put my tie back on.

I pushed her hand away. "I don't want to wear that. And I was just outside getting some air."

She huffed. "It looks better with the tie!"

"I don't care. I'm not wearing it."

She didn't argue because Mr. Banner had taken to the stage and began his spiel about the history of the Junior/Senior dance. He announced us and Rosalie grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the stage. She was wearing her royal smile by the time we stepped into the lights behind the podium.

I had told Rosalie all along that I wanted nothing to do with the whole thing. I would stand beside her while she gave her self-important speech and I would shake the hands of the next King and Queen and then forget I had ever been a part of this fuckery. So, I simply stood next to her as she took the podium and addressed the junior and senior classes.

"I know you all want to get back to dancing, so I'm not going to take up much of your time. I just wanted to say thanks first to the senior class, for electing Edward and me King and Queen, and for trusting us to represent you.

"This probably seems like a silly tradition to most of you, but I take it pretty seriously. I learned a lot my senior year, and some of it was stuff I kind of wished I knew before going into it. First of all, none of this is going to last forever. Real life is waiting out there, and it's going to hit us as soon as we toss those mortarboards into the air. Have fun, because no matter what happens after senior year, things _will_ be different. For better or worse they will be different.

"After graduation we will separate from many of the people we've grown up with. Some of us will go away to school, some of us will stay here, and some of us will get jobs or start families. Some of us will do all of that. Either way, when that much change happens, sometimes you grow apart from even those you are closest to, even when you can't imagine it. If there is one mistake I've made, that I think maybe all you juniors could learn from, it's not to take anyone for granted. As hard as it is to believe, these people that are your whole life might not always be there. So cherish this last year together, be nice to each other, and try to enjoy the hell out of yourselves. Doing all of those things can only strengthen your bonds, and maybe help your relationships withstand the strain that change places upon them.

So I'd like to wish all of you juniors best of luck in your final year. From time to time, try to look back—remember being where you are now, and be nice to the underclassmen. Without further ado, I'd like to announce your King and Queen for next year's Junior/Senior dance—Mike Newton and Lauren Mallory!"

The crowd erupted into applause as the rather predictable incumbents made their way to the stage. Rosalie's words surprised me a little bit. I looked at her to see if she truly meant the things she said, but she was merely smiling that same "school smile," placing a sash around Lauren.

The next thing I knew, she and I were walking off stage, being thanked and congratulated as we headed back to our table. When we got there, I turned to her.

"That was a good speech. I didn't know you were planning to say all that."

She shrugged. "I knew you didn't want to talk, but I mean, we had to say something."

"Did you mean it? I mean, the stuff about learning from your mistakes."

She shrugged and tugged on her hair nervously. "That's the kind of stuff you say, when you're doing a speech like that."

Victoria and Carmen came up and hugged her and congratulated her on the speech. She turned to me. "Those lights were hot, I am going to go redo my make-up." She turned and headed towards the bathroom along with Vic and Carm.

I sat down in my chair as another slow song started up. I looked across the room and saw Bella sitting, fiddling with something on the table. She looked sad again, like she did that day in class. The lip gloss, the hair, the dress, it was all very distracting, but when her guard was down, her true emotions were painted all over her face. I watched her for nearly an entire song until I couldn't take it anymore.

I got up and crossed the room and I must have been thinking about a lot of shit because before I knew it I was right there, standing in front of her.

"Hi," she said, quietly. "Did you want to sit?"

"No." I paused for way too long because I was all nervous about asking for what I really wanted. I scratched my head and spoke again, trying to sound confident. "Would you like to dance?"

She opened her mouth to speak, but the look on her face made me panic so I cut her off.

"And please don't say no, because, that would just be really embarrassing."

She smiled. "I would, but I'm just not a very good dancer."

"But you were dancing earlier."

"Oh yeah, but that was just with Mike and Tyler and stuff." She blushed the moment she finished speaking, as she realized the underlying meaning of what she had just said. It made me want to fucking sing.

I walked around to her side of the table and offered her my hand. She took it and we walked to the dance floor. It took us the last part of the song to establish a flow and to stop stepping on each other's toes, but eventually we fell into a natural rhythm and I was able to refocus my concentration on the feel of her hand on my shoulder, and mine on her small waist.

I really wanted to kiss Eric when the next song that came on was "Fade Into You" by Mazzy Star. With that one song, in that moment, he totally fucking made up for the hours of hip hop and girl pop, because when Hope Sandoval started singing, Bella's shoulders slackened a bit and then she rested her head against my chest and fuck it was like the culmination of my whole life or something.

But then something in the song, the way we were dancing, in her posture, it just made made me feel kind of shitty. She was kind of holding on to me and I was really enjoying the closeness and then I remembered the look on her face and I remembered that day she showed up looking so sad and tired at Rosalie's and fuck, I felt like such a creep, like I was somehow capitalizing on all the bullshit that went down this week.

I leaned my head down to get close to her ear and I pressed my nose against her head and maybe smelled her shampoo and whispered, "Bella, I'm sorry."

She looked up and she seemed confused. "Why?"

What I meant was that I was sorry for not noticing her, for waiting too long and in turn somehow being responsible for all the shitty stuff that happened, at least in some weird way. But I wasn't sure if I should say any of that so instead I just told her the other reasons I felt sorry. "I'm sorry about that shit that happened with Jasper. I'm sorry he did that to you."

I knew before I even finished talking that it was the wrong fucking thing to say. It didn't even come out of my mouth right. She stepped back and eyed me suspiciously for a moment before sighing and looking away.

"Edward, I don't need your pity, okay?"

_What the fuck?_ "What? I.."

"Just stop, okay? Listen, I talked to Rosalie, and I know you feel like I am some sad sack who got played and I know you were right when you warned me that day about Jasper, but I don't need a pity friend. I don't need someone feeling bad for me all the time and trying to be my mentor or some shit."

There was a lot of stuff that was wrong in that statement but one thing in particular caught my attention. "Talked to Rosalie about what?"

She hesitated for a moment. "I talked to her at Jasper's party. She told me that you felt bad for me and that you pitied me and that's why you were trying to be my friend. She told me that she told you to stop, that it was shitty of you and I can't believe I am saying this, but you should have listened to her."

I could feel my fucking blood pressure rise. Everything came together at once and it made me sick to think that so many of our interactions were tainted with Rosalie's poisonous fucking manipulative words.

Somehow my next words came out slowly and calmly. "I've never had any such conversation with Rosalie, Bella. Not even anything that could be construed as being remotely similar to what you just said."

She looked down at her shoes. "But…"

"No, I've never fucking said that. I've never fucking pitied you. I've pitied myself all fucking day long but never you. I said I was sorry because I didn't like seeing you hurt… because…because the real reason I'm sorry is because I never saw you. I talked to Alice, and fuck, Bella, I am sorry. I've been walking around in a cloud, and I haven't seen anything or anyone for so long. I've been fucking miserable, so miserable that I was paralyzed. I don't know what happened when I found out about you and Jasper…I don't know why it woke me up, but it did and I swear to God it has nothing to do with him, and fuck Bella, I am sorry. I'm sorry I waited so long to…"

She just stood there, lips parted, staring at me as I vomited my heart out to her. I stepped closer and wrapped my hand around the side of her neck, just under her jaw. Maybe it was the tequila or the smell of her shampoo or my complete and utter disappointment in myself, but I finally stopped caring, and stopped waiting.

"To do this."

I leaned in to her and pressed my lips against hers. At first she was completely motionless, but I kept kissing her, kept moving my mouth against hers until finally it moved with mine. And then I felt her hands on my chest, and then mine on her waist pulling her closer and it was so _right_, that I couldn't imagine how it ever took so long for our mouths to find each other.

And then I heard a scream.

I knew Bella was going to pull away so I held her tighter, but still she managed to break the kiss.

"You. Fucking. Bastard," I heard Rosalie before I saw her.

Bella's hand flew over her mouth and I cringed because I didn't want her feeling bad about this. I didn't want her getting hurt anymore.

I turned around to face Rosalie. "Rose, let's just…let's go outside."

"No! No! You bastard, you want to make a fool out of me in public? Well I'll do the same to you."

"Rosalie, we discussed this."

"You said it wasn't about someone else! You said that just the other day!"

"It's not. The writing has been on the wall for a long fucking time. How could you not see that? How many times have I tried?"

"You said a break!"

"It wasn't a break, Rose. It was a compromise."

"You asshole! You're an asshole!" she wailed, mascara now running down her cheeks. "And you!" she pointed at Bella, "You fucking whore! Jasper drops your ass and you just fucking move on to the next one. First my brother, and now my boyfriend, you fucking skank."

I stepped forward to do…something…to lead Rosalie away so she would stop saying horrible things to Bella, but before I could, Alice tore past me. I reached out and hooked my arm around her waist and she flailed, clawing at it to get to Rosalie.

"Take it back! Take it back, you big blonde bitch!"

I expected Rose to retaliate but she just looked at me and shook her head. "You've ruined everything," she sobbed, before turning and heading towards the door.

I released Alice and she immediately turned and ran towards Bella who was walking in the opposite direction, towards the outside doors.

I would like to say I hesitated first before running to catch up with her. I would like to say I hesitated because I owed Rosalie some closure. But I didn't. I turned and went straight for Bella, because I swore that when it came to her, I would never hesitate again.

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**Thank you RedVelvetHeaven(cupcakeface)—for a million reasons, all of which you know. **


	19. Ephesians 3:13

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**As ever—thank you to Legna989 for beta-ing this. She wrote a one-shot for ElleCC's birthday (Happy Birthday, BB!) and it's awesome. J/B. You should definitely check it out: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/5359350/1/ (Don't kill me, L!)

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**

_"So I ask you not to lose heart over what I am suffering for you, which is your glory."_

_**Ephesians 3:13

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_**Jasper Hale**_

I always knew I was an asshole, but apparently there were multiple levels of assholeness, and that day that I "broke up" with Bella, I definitely reached a new one. In fact, I might have even leveled up twice between Sunday and Wednesday.

I thought there would be some sort of relief to come with just ending things. I had been avoiding her and it was miserable for the both of us, so my first thought—well first after, _Oh fuck, if I jumped out of my window would she chase me?_—was that maybe if I just fucking did it, just fucking ripped the Band-Aid off in one go, maybe I could stop obsessing over all of this. Stop thinking about how I felt, worrying about how she felt, and worrying about exactly this moment, when I had to be fucking honest with her and an asshole at the same time.

Well, there was no fucking relief. In fact, everything got worse starting from the minute I walked out of my room and watched her from the large front window across from the stairs, above the foyer. She was crying against her truck, and fuck, she was crying because of me. I doubted that she was the first girl who had ever cried over me, but I never really had to watch it before, and I sure as hell never cared so much. Of course, that wasn't punishment enough for what a total dickhead I'd been, so the sweet Lord righted that by sending Edward after her, to clean up my fucking mess, just as I'd predicted. When I saw him get in that truck with her I wanted to go down there and drag him back the fuck out by his hair. I wanted to beat that little vulture right there in the driveway and tell him to stay the fuck away from my girl. Yes, as ridiculous as it may have been, I actually thought those words, and I actually started down the stairs with every intention of carrying out that little plan. I took about three steps before my normally useless brain kindly reminded me that going all prehistoric and beating the shit out of Edward would probably have only hurt Bella more, and made me look like an even bigger asshole. And I really didn't need to fucking level up again today.

Every cell in my body drew me to Edward and I wanted his fucking blood. But then what? Beat him up for comforting Bella and then still send her on her way? I was not going to change my mind about what needed to happen, and as much as I was being a little bitch and didn't want anyone else to have her, I had to accept that I had relinquished my right to have a say in anything she did anymore. Even though the thought of Edward and Bella together made me want to kill things, I figured at the very least Edward could probably be what Bella needed more than I could. If he ever grew enough balls to break up with my sister, he could be her little boyfriend for sure. He could take her to dances and hold her hand and buy her fucking promise rings and do all that shit that I would for sure fuck up. He would probably buy her a little puppy and remember their four-and-a-half-month anniversary and never ask her to do anal and not flirt with her mom. He probably sure as shit wouldn't make her cry her fucking eyes out in her car because he couldn't deal with the responsibility of fucking her and then actually having feelings for her. So, yeah, I am a Hale and that makes me mostly crazy and fucked up, but unlike the rest of the rejects in my family I actually have a pretty fucking logical brain, and right then it was screaming _just let it go. Let her go. _

So I did. I went right back upstairs and slammed my fucking door off the hinges, lay down on my bed and just tried to fucking meditate for a minute. I felt really fucking weird. All I could think about was how weird it was that I wasn't going to see her anymore. I wasn't going to pick her up from school, or take her for burritos, or touch her tits, or fuck her, or even kiss her ever again. I felt really sad about that, which made me feel really fucking weird. The shit hit the fan about two minutes ago and already I was all melancholy and shit. I was so far out of my damn element that I didn't even really know who I was anymore.

The more I rode out that train of thought, the more that shit started to piss me off. I started thinking about how I was and who I was before Bella, and thinking that maybe if I could get back to that guy, the guy I actually knew and understood, I could possibly stop feeling like shit.

I picked up my phone and called James, because he would know how to get my mind off of this emo bullshit, without having to talk about it or even know about it.

He picked up the phone after a few rings. _"Jasper, what's up?"_ It sounded like he was out already.

"Jimmy, I need beers, _ahora, hombre_."

"_Sorry dude, can't. I'm with Alice. We're just going to Lux right now if you and Bella want to come, though."_

My world had turned itself upside down. James was declining to hang because he's out drinking lattes with his _girlfriend_? Was he inviting Bella and me to double with them? The fact that he even knew Alice because of me and my relationship with Bella was just so deliciously ironic.

"Nah, I kind of need a guys' night, you know?"

"_Yeah, sorry. Hey I'm free tomorrow th-"_ He cut himself off and I could hear Alice's muffled voice in the background. _"Wait, Alice wants me to look at her outfit for this dance thing you guys are going to on Friday, so I am gonna go over to her place in the evening, but I can definitely hang out later."_

When had he become so useless? We were supposed to look out for each other, and now look at us. "Never mind. Hey, how come you aren't going to the dance with her anyway, considering you're all hanging out every night and giving her fashion advice and shit?" I asked, well aware of what an immature, jealous little baby I sounded like.

"_Alice already had a date with this kid at her school, so I got lucky—ow, just kidding! Yeah, so tomorrow then?"_

"Yeah, all right. Listen, I gotta go, I'll talk to you later."

I hung up the phone and immediately dialed Peter instead. My approach was different with him; he was the kind of friend where even when I didn't want to talk, I always ended up doing it anyway because he was like a fucking voodoo therapist. I figured if I was going to start crying like a bitch or something, it would be better to just hang out at his apartment. I told him I just needed to get out of the house and he said to come on over, and that Felix was already over there drinking and watching TV.

As soon as I walked out of my room I could hear Rosalie and Edward fighting, as usual. Now, my sister was a whiny bitch, but for a millisecond I almost felt bad for her because fuck, could Edward be more obvious? Why the fuck didn't he just break up with her if he wanted Bella so badly? Shit, I was an asshole when it came to girls and relationships, but at least I was more or less upfront about it, and chicks usually got upset because they just couldn't handle it. Bella was the first time I'd ever let things get so out of control and even then, at least I nipped it before we had been together for three years or some shit.

When I got downstairs, of course Edward was giving me the death stare and making it infinitely harder for me not to pound him. That son-of-a-bitch was in protective mode over Bella when he had no clue, he had no fucking clue what was going on with us. I suppose I could have been honest and enlightened him, but really, it was none of his fucking concern, and he had made up his mind about me anyway and nothing I fucking said was going to change it. So instead I just bailed, because I couldn't stand the sight of either of them.

. . .

I slumped down into Peter's couch and accepted the beer he offered me. Felix and I tapped our bottles together and I drank, finishing half the beer in one gulp.

"So what the hell happened to you?" Peter asked.

"What?"

"You look like shit," he clarified.

"Rough weekend."

"Must have been really rough if you still look like shit on Wednesday. Are you referring to Saturday? Because it didn't seem that rough to me—in fact it appeared that you retired rather early that evening," he said with a wink.

"Rough weekend and week then, I guess." I ignored the rest of his question.

"How's Bella?"

Felix's attention was focused mainly on the TV and his BlackBerry but when Peter mentioned Bella he looked up and turned to me.

"You're getting kind of serious about this girl, huh? Pretty much every time I see you now, she's there."

I just laughed, because what the fuck else could I do?

I turned back to Peter. "Why did you ask me that?"

"Honestly? Because you look like shit and you called me all desperate to get out and I just get the feeling that she has something to do with that."

"Well, I fucked up pretty bad if you must know."

"How?"

Now Peter and Felix were watching me expectantly like I was some fucking case study.

"Let's see, for starters on Saturday we fucked, at the party."

"And she's was a virgin," Felix stated, because he has known me for a damn long time.

"Naturally," I said. He chuckled and tossed his phone on the coffee table. I continued, "So then I freaked out a bit, and then I fucked her again on Sunday, and then I dropped her off at her friend's house and ignored her until tonight."

Both Peter and Felix winced and sucked air in through their teeth. Peter spoke first. "Why the fuck do you do that?"

"Because I freaked and I didn't know what to say, so I figured it was best just to not talk to her until I figured it out."

"Why did you freak?" Felix asked.

"Why do you think? Because it was…weird…the sex and after….it was just different and weird and it freaked me out."

"You like her," Peter offered.

"Dude, don't oversimplify it."

"You love her?" This time it was a question, not a statement.

"Fuck, Jesus, would you shut up? Fuck, I can't believe you just said that."

"Well, I don't know. There was no need to freak out if you like her. I mean who gives a shit? You already hung out all the time anyway, so now you hang out and you fuck and you have a title. What's the difference?"

"The difference is she's seventeen and she's pretty much never had a boyfriend and she needs one who will take her to the mall and football games and carry her books and fucking do all that high school shit with her. She really doesn't need _me _to introduce her to the world of relationships."

"Did she say that's what she needed? Peter asked.

"No, but she's seventeen. I know that's what she needs."

"Is she the same as all the other seventeen-year-olds you've been with?"

"No, I mean, I'm not even sure. I don't think I ever got to know any of them."

"Right, you never bothered to get to know them. But you did with her."

"Okay, I know what you're getting at here but, no, even if it's different, it's not. I can't be what she needs. I am definitely going to disappoint her, and when I do, later down the line when she's more invested, it's going to feel a lot fucking shittier. I had to take care of that shit right now."

"You're such a cynic," Peter said, shaking his head and taking a sip of his beer.

"No, I'm a realist," I said.

"No, you're a nihilist," Felix chimed in.

I turned and pointed my finger in his direction. "Listen, dude, you and I used to be the same."

"That's right, and then I grew up."

"Whatever, you're never in a serious relationship either."

"That's because I am busy with school, not because I am afraid."

"I'm not afraid! Don't they teach you to listen in school? I'm looking out for her best interests."

Felix pointed his beer at me. "You're cutting your losses."

Peter made some fucking _I agree with him and I told you so_ grandma face and I sulked and chugged the rest of my beer.

After a few moments of silence, Pete spoke again. "Wait, so what made you decide to talk to her?"

"She showed up at my house."

"Fuck," he said, scrunching his face.

"Yeah. So I told her I couldn't do it anymore, and I was even honest with her, but she flipped and screamed at me and she even slapped me and then she was just fucking crying in her car and it was quite a fucking mess."

Peter shook his head. "I actually kind of liked her."

"Whatever, dude, do you really need to say shit like that?"

"Sorry, I did. But on the bright side, it's over now. You did it."

"Yeah, and I can't stop feeling like shit."

"Uh, yeah, well that makes sense. You fucking slept with her, took her virginity at that, and then dumped her and made her cry. I would be worried if you didn't feel like shit."

"Holy shit, do you have to be so fucking blunt man?"

Felix laughed, but Peter just shrugged. "Sorry, dude, but you need to feel bad about this."

"Okay, well can I just sit here and drink and watch TV and feel bad and not talk about it?"

Peter stood up. "By all means. Let me get you another beer."

Felix stayed until around eleven and then left, grumbling about an early Strategic Management class. I sat staring at the television, drinking, and thinking about Bella for a while after Peter went to bed. At some point in the wee hours I finally passed out on the couch, drunk and mentally exhausted.

. . .

The rest of the week was more of the same. I didn't see James on Thursday because I didn't feel like talking about shit, and I didn't even want to hear about Alice because she would just remind me of Bella. James called and left a voicemail asking what was going on, so for sure Alice had already debriefed him, probably coloring the whole thing with her own observations. I wasn't too worried; James knew me, and he definitely wouldn't judge. I'd get around to filling him in later when I wasn't flipping back and forth between suicidal and homicidal.

I pretty much just sat in various rooms, staring at the TV or whatever object managed to capture my attention. I drank and I ignored my family and with the right mix of booze, lack of sleep, and distraction, I managed to numb my brain to a point where I could stop actively thinking about Bella and everything that had happened. When Edward and Rosalie's other friends arrived on Friday before the dance I had rendered myself into a near-complete catatonic state. After they left, though, I started thinking about Bella and what she was doing. I even briefly considered calling her and asking her to let me take her to the dance, or to let me take her out somewhere at least, but that was just me freaking out and feeling bad and I knew it wouldn't fix anything. I even went upstairs and looked at her dress, which I had yet to return, and just sat there feeling like shit and staring at it like a crazy person. There were many times that week where I considered taking it all, and her, back, but somehow I managed to stop myself every time. I felt some comfort in knowing that as more time passed, the possibility of me being able to take it all back decreased considerably, like it was some kind of insurance against screwing things up even further.

I was into my eighth or ninth hour of TV when Rosalie came bursting in the front door with Victoria. She threw her bag against the stairs and I heard Victoria trying to calm her down. Normally I don't get too involved in my sister's antics, but I had a bad feeling, so I got up and walked out of the living room and into the hall.

"What the fuck is going on?" I asked leaning against the banister at the bottom of the stairs. Her makeup was all smeared and she had clearly been crying.

"Your...girlfriend, or whatever the fuck she was…he kissed her. He kissed her right in the middle of the dance in front of everyone."

I closed my eyes for a second, hoping it would make everything go away. _Edward, Edward, Edward…you are a dead man. _

"What do you mean?"

"He just…he was dancing with her and then he kissed her! And then I called him out and he acted like it was no big thing, like we were already broken up. And then that little bitch friend of hers, Alice, she came after me!"

"What did you say? What did you say to make her go after you?"

Rosalie pursed her lips and glared at me. "I called her a whore. I told her she ruined everything because she did. She's a fucking homewrecker!"

I clenched and unclenched my fists. I walked into the kitchen, back out to the hallway and then back into the kitchen again, this time grabbing my keys.

"Fuck, Rosalie, when are you going to learn? When are you going to learn who to point the fucking finger at?"

"Whatever! You're biased. You're like, enchanted or something. Maybe she was using you to get to Edward the whole time. Now what am I going to do? What about prom?"

"Is that really why you're upset? Rosalie, you could find ten guys to take you to prom tomorrow. Get over it."

I walked to the door and she grabbed my arm. "Where are you going?"

"To deal with Cullen. Is he still at the dance? What's his address?"

She smiled and gave me his home address. I knew she was thinking I was going after him to defend her, and I let her, because that was probably what I should have been doing.

. . .

I sat parked in front of the house one down from Edward's, listening to the Stones and trying not to let my imagination run away with itself. His car wasn't there when I arrived, so I sat and waited. I decided that making a scene on high school property was a little immature and a little dramatic for my taste. I was hoping that I could have a word with Edward alone so as not to upset Bella, and I really wasn't quite ready to see her yet, and I was pretty damn certain that she felt the same way about me.

Finally, I saw headlights approaching and then I watched Edward turn into his driveway. I was out of the car and walking up the drive before he had even cut the engine. He walked out of the garage as I came up the driveway, looking like he was completely fucking inconvenienced by my visit. _Good._

"I seriously hope you're here to get my side of the story," Edward said, coming to a stop in front of me.

"Give me a good reason why I shouldn't beat you until you are un-fucking-recognizable."

"Because what's the point, Jasper? Why would you even want to? You're the one who left her, so what would you be trying to accomplish?"

"What about my sister? You fucking cheat on her in front of the whole school? Don't tell me you didn't plan that shit—you've been sniffing after Bella for fucking weeks now."

He rolled his eyes, so I fucking grabbed his shirt and yanked him toward me. Before I could properly school him, his big ass bear of a brother came bursting out of the house towards us.

"All right Hale, let's take it down a notch right the fuck now."

I released Edward and turned to Emmett. "You fighting his battles for him now, Em?"

"Nope, this is between you guys, but if it goes to blows I will fucking pound you, man. What the fuck is going on anyway—how the hell could you possibly have a beef with Edward?"

"Why don't you ask him? He fucking cheated on my sister in front of the whole school with…" I trailed off because fuck, if I wasn't sure what to call her before, I had no fucking clue what to call her now.

"With some girl you were fucking?" Edward said, sneering. The little bastard had balls when his brother was around.

"Wait, you cheated on Rose?" Emmett asked, turning to Edward.

"It's complicated."

"Who the fuck were you cheating on her with and what the fuck were you doing in front of the whole school?" he asked again.

"This girl, Bella, and I just kissed her—and it was bad timing but I wasn't really thinking. She told me something that Rosalie said and I got angry, and anyway I fucking tried to break up with Rosalie so many times and she wouldn't let me. We had an understanding that we were just together 'til graduation. I just kind of blew it a little early."

"So why is she flipping out?" I asked.

"Because, she's Rosalie. And I haven't really gotten a chance to talk to her yet."

And that really did make sense, because Rosalie was definitely crazy enough to refuse to register a break-up.

"And, wait, who is this other chick?" Emmett asked.

Edward and I looked at each other. I don't think either of us really wanted to explain.

"You know what? I don't know why I am even asking. This is too fucking 90210 for me. You guys can deal with it, but if you lay a hand on my brother I am gonna kick your ass," he said pointing at me, before turning to Edward. "And you better go fucking deal with Rosalie properly tonight or tomorrow. Don't be a douche."

I snorted, because Emmett was kind of a poster boy for douche bags, or at least he seemed like he would be.

He gave us each another look before turning and heading back into the house. As soon as he was gone I turned back to Edward. "Wait, what did she say Rosalie said? That got you so angry?"

"She told me that at the party, Rosalie told her I only hung around her because I pitied her, because I felt bad for her. She said it like she and I had discussed it before, like I told her that I only talked to Bella out of pity, which is so fucking false."

"Pitied her? How so?"

"Well, after all the shit went down with Rosalie, I talked to her in the parking lot. Apparently I pitied her because she was getting played by you. Rosalie also told her that you were clearly only after one thing."

_Fuck my fucking bitch sister. _

"She told her that at the party?"

"Yeah…apparently Bella chose to give _you _the benefit of the doubt."

_I truly am a fucking asshole. _

I just stood and stared at Edward for a moment because what the fuck could I say to that? If I were him I probably would have fucked Bella on top of Rose, just to spite her. Then, as usual, the mere thought of the two of them together made me angry all over again.

"Okay, listen, I'm not a fucking idiot. I know nothing good is going to come out of kicking your ass. I know it would just upset Bella, and probably my bitchass sister too, and I'd have to kick your brother's ass as well then, and he's a bit more of a challenge. So, as much as all of that is _almost _worth it, I am not interested in hurting Bella any more than I already have. So I'm just going to lay some ground rules for you, you fucking buzzard.

"First of all, like your brother said, you're going to go deal with my sister properly. Fucking break up with her, and deal with the tears like a man. Kissing another girl in front of her is not the same fucking thing, just so you know. I know she's a crazy bitch but you're the dumbass who dated her for like, three years, so you just need to deal with it. As far as this thing with Bella goes, I can't…I'm…I'm only going to say that I'll be watching you, and my people will be watching you, and if you fuck up or hurt her, I will most definitely beat the shit out of you, your brother, and probably your whole fucking family. I know it's a little hypocritical but I don't give a shit, and you better take me seriously. You don't know what happened with us and you probably never will because I'm not going to fucking explain it to you, but just know there are two fucking sides, and I listened to yours, so you're just going to have to trust me on mine."

I backed away from him slowly and then turned to head back towards my car. I called back, "I better see your ass at my house tomorrow, Cullen."

When I was almost at the end of the driveway I heard him call my name. I turned around and he jogged toward me.

"After the party I didn't…" He paused for a moment, probably searching for words. "You should know I didn't exactly want this to happen. I mean, I did, but not like this. I just wanted her to be happy."

The kid was annoying the shit out me because I was starting to feel like I was right before, that he could probably be the boyfriend that Bella deserved. It pissed me off because in my crazy head she was still mine, even if I couldn't actually be with her, and I didn't like this little punk showing me up.

I took a deep breath and responded, "Yeah, well she's not a car or whatever, you know? So I'm not just going to hand over the keys and slap you on the shoulder. I did what I had to do, now you do what you have to, and try not to get your ass beat in the process."

He stared at me for a few beats, and then looked down at the driveway. When he hadn't said anything after a few moments, I turned and headed back to my car.

"You could still turn it around, you know," he shouted a couple seconds later.

I stopped and shook my head and then turned back and said. "No, I can't."

After that I was officially done with the conversation, so I just turned and sprinted back the car. When I started her up and "Wonderful Tonight" was playing on the classic rock station, I started to feel all sorts of shitty feelings, possibly the worst ones yet. It may have been Clapton's gayest song ever but fuck if that bearded English bastard wasn't making me want to weep like a chick right now. Because who knows if someone told Bella that tonight, and she fucking deserved to hear it, and for sure it was true because she was always beautiful, and fuck, I should have gone to that fucking dance with her first, instead of ignoring her like an asshole. I smacked the console, effectively turning off the radio, and slumped against the steering wheel.

This wasn't me. I needed to get her off my mind before I lost it completely. The booze clearly hadn't been working, so I figured that what I needed was the antithesis of Bella to make me forget or at the very least, to distract me. I sat up again and put the car in park. Luckily, I knew someone who fit that description exactly, and she came in the form of a tall, stacked, Spanish bartender named Maria.


	20. Phillippians 4:8

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.**

**Legna989 is Da Beta. She also picked today's Bible quote! You can see it below. It's long and pretty.

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_"Finally, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report, if there be any virtue, if there be any praise, think on these things."_

_**Phillippians 4:8

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_**Bella Swan**_

I rolled over and the light shining through my window almost blinded me, even with my eyes closed. Something felt off but I couldn't place it right away. I shielded my eyes with my hand and opened them slowly. They were swollen, and even when they were fully open it felt like I was peering through slits. I rubbed them gingerly and rolled over to look at the clock. Before I completed my turn I realized what was off.

It was never this light when I got up for school.

I rubbed my eyes again before glancing at the clock. I nearly fell out of bed when I read the numbers. 10:08.

I threw the comforter away from my body and pushed myself up off the mattress. I ambled sleepily to my dresser and stood in front of the mirror. I looked like shit. My eyes were all puffy and red from crying myself to sleep and my hair was a giant matted mess. I stood and looked around my room for a minute and then walked back to the bed and sat on the edge.

I thought about last night. I thought about how stupid I was and I thought about Jasper, and then I started crying again. Not hard like yesterday, but the tears just spilled silently down my cheeks as I stared at my lap. I missed him already.

Unlike last night, the tears stopped rather quickly, as if they were leftover from last night only unable to escape before I fell asleep. I took a deep breath and released it and for some reason I felt a little better, as if some sort of weight was lifted from me. I still felt sad, but those tears were cleansing.

I went into the bathroom and frowned again at my reflection. Ran some ice-cold water over a washcloth and then pressed the cloth against my eyes for a minute, nearly moaning at how good it felt. I dropped it in the sink and I looked at myself again—my eyes didn't look much better, but they were a little easier to keep open.

As I headed down the stairs, I paused for a moment at the bottom. Renee was listening to "Mr. Big Stuff" really loud in the kitchen. I tiptoed down the hall and entered the kitchen cautiously. She had the waffle iron out and she was mixing batter in a bowl, shaking her behind to the music. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. _Waffles and bacon. _

I opened my eyes again and spoke. "Mom!"

She spun around. "Morning, baby!"

"Mom, it's after ten! I forgot to set my alarm, and you didn't wake me!"

"I know, sweetie, I figured you deserved a day off from school. You didn't have anything important today did you?"

I thought for a moment and shook my head. "No, I guess not."

"Ok, then, sit down! I made waffles and bacon _and _eggs! Baby, I want you to eat up because you went to bed without dinner last night. Don't think I didn't notice."

"I am pretty hungry, actually." I sat down at the place she set for me at the table and immediately gulped down half a glass of orange juice. She grabbed the pitcher and refilled it as soon as I set the glass down. I smirked and wondered how long this would last.

A couple minutes later she came to the table, two plates in hand and plunked one in front of me. It had three large waffles, a mountain of eggs and a half-pound of bacon on it. Hers had one waffle, a small pile of eggs and three slices of bacon.

"This is too much food!"

"Eat what you can, baby," she said, biting off a piece of bacon.

I slowly brought a forkful of eggs to my mouth. As good as it all smelled the idea of eating just seemed…arduous. I stuffed it in my mouth anyway and chewed slowly.

"So. We're going to talk about sex."

Forgetting I had food in my mouth I gasped and the half masticated eggs flew back into my windpipe. I choked, and then coughed. She patted my back and handed me the orange juice. I took a gulp and then stared at her.

"I spoke to Phil and-"

I cut her off right there. "You told him! Ugh! I can't believe you told him."

"Listen, missy. You want to be an adult? Then you have to start acting like one. Phil is my husband and he owns this house with me and he helps put food on your plate and sends you to that nice private school, so you need to start respecting the fact that he wants to be a father to you, too. He doesn't want to replace Dad, baby, he just wants to support me and take care of you."

I frowned but didn't speak. She was kind of right.

"Bella, I'm not like Phil. He's a man and he's younger and he's never had kids and so he just wants to shield you. He wants to stop you from making choices he doesn't like or agree with. I'm not going to do that. You want to sleep with boys? That's your choice, but let me ask you something."

I put my fork down. Breakfast was not happening.

"If that condom had broken, let's say, and you had gotten pregnant, what would you have done?"

I rolled my eyes, but really I was dying inside. My mom just said condom. She was talking about Jasper's condom. Jasper's Magnums. I imagined that gold foil wrapper with the black block letters across the front and almost threw up.

"You think it's impossible?" she asked.

"No. I just...we were responsible! We did what everyone says to do! How much more do want from me? I didn't know he was going to dump me like thirty seconds later!"

"Bella, you need to be prepared for all possibilities. Tell me what you would have done."

"I don't know! I have no idea."

"Right. And yet you think you are ready?"

"Are you telling me I shouldn't have sex until I'm married? Really?"

She sighed. "No, Bella, I just hoped you'd wait until you were out of high school at least. Until you had experienced a bit more of real life."

"You think I'd be more prepared for a baby in college?"

"That's not the point, but yeah, a little bit. Bella, at least you'd be _out of high school._"

"When did you first have sex?" I asked. She met my father in high school and I was pretty sure her answer would be in my favor.

She pursed her lips. "Things were different then."

"Oh really?" I asked cocking an eyebrow.

"Bella, when I was seventeen, your father was seventeen. Not twenty-two with a terrible reputation."

"But you were still only seventeen! And I know he doesn't have a good reputation but I liked him, and I really, really felt like he liked me! And it didn't feel wrong or bad." I felt myself getting emotional again. The tears welled in my eyes but I held them back.

Renee pushed her plate away and propped her elbows on the table. She pushed her hands into her hair and shook her head. I had never seen her look so flustered.

"I don't know. I don't know how this is supposed to go, Bella. I don't want to make you feel bad or ashamed, but I can't tell you that it's okay to just…go around having sex at your age. What do I say? I just don't ever want to see you like you were last night."

"But I would have been like that no matter what! I was upset that he…broke up with me…or whatever it was. I was upset that I was stupid and believed he liked me."

"Why do you think it's so impossible that he actually did like you?" she asked.

I shrugged. "Why wouldn't he just stay with me then?" As I asked the question, my vision blurred and again I felt my tears carve hot trails into my cheeks.

Renee pushed her chair over and pulled me to her. "Bella, it's not that simple. Maybe he was scared, or maybe he's immature and worried about his reputation. He's probably dealing with something that has nothing to do with you."

I nodded against her neck and then pulled away. "I'm sorry I disappointed you."

She shook her head vigorously. "You didn't. If anything I am disappointing you. I just don't know how to fix it. I want to give you good advice but it's just…it's against human nature, and I just don't know what else do to."

I stared at my plate for a long while before speaking. "I don't either, Mom. Maybe it can't be fixed. Maybe it just has to _be._"

She pushed my hair behind my ear and then stroked it from the top of my head to the ends. "Baby, you're very smart, you know. Maybe I should just let you trust your own instincts. Just remember to do things because you want to do them, and not because someone else wants you to. And please, please, please be safe."

I nodded. I still was unsure of the 'do things because you want to do them' part. I thought I wanted to sleep with Jasper, but I realized there must have been strings attached. I wanted to sleep with him if he was going to stay with me. Perhaps that alone meant I wasn't really ready, though I was inclined to believe that anytime you had sex you should expect _some _level of commitment. I frowned at the thought that maybe that was too much to expect from Jasper. It wasn't something I wanted to believe, even now.

"Bella, all this food…Please tell me you'll try to eat some," Renee said, staring at my plate and laughing weakly.

"Yeah, I'll heat it up." I wasn't hungry but I forced half the plate of food down because she cooked it for me and it was the least I could do.

After I finished my breakfast and the kitchen was cleaned up, Renee turned to me with a mischievous grin.

"Okay. I cleared my day, which consisted of one measly appointment anyway, and first we're going to get manicures and pedicures. Then we're getting you a haircut, and then we're going to find you a dress for that dance."

I shook my head almost violently. "No, no, there is no way I am going to the dance. I don't have a date and just…ugh, no way."

"Bella, your friends will all be there. You don't need a date. You need to go have fun."

I shook my head again. "We can do the other stuff but no. Just, no."

She frowned for a moment and then shrugged. "Okay, hon. Go get dressed."

. . .

If Renee was trying to get my mind off of Jasper, she actually did a pretty good job. We went to her favorite spa and got manicures and pedicures, I got a haircut that I actually needed pretty badly, we got Jamba Juice and she even bought me some new summer clothes. By late afternoon I was completely exhausted. I sat on a bench waiting for her to get her Starbucks, and when she came out I got up and headed towards the exit.

"Are you sure you don't want to look for a dress, Bella?" she asked, hesitating in front of the doors.

"I'm sure, Mom. I'd really rather just have a quiet night on Friday."

She sighed but followed me out of the mall and back to the car.

When we got home I went to put my bags upstairs and sat on my bed. I pulled my phone from my bag. Alice had texted me earlier, wondering if everything was okay. Apparently she had shown up at my house to give me a ride and Renee told her I wasn't feeling well. Normally I always told her when I was sick, and usually we tried to take sick days together, in the form of skipping. Edward sent me one at lunch too asking if everything was all right. I responded to him, because I wanted to thank him for offering to take me home yesterday, but I held off on replying to Alice, not wanting to get into everything while I was out.

I typed and retyped my response to her and ended up with:

_Mom let me take the day off. Need to talk to you. Come over?_

I put the phone down and walked over to my closet to hang my new clothes. Before I pulled the pile from the bag, the message tone beeped. I hung everything up and then checked the text.

_Be there right after dinner, ok?_

I responded and then crawled on to my bed, hoping to sleep for a little bit before she arrived.

As soon as I closed my eyes, I started thinking about all the stuff my mother had distracted me from earlier. I tossed and turned and tried to push the sadness away but it just kept creeping back. I got up, turned my iPod on to shuffle and then got back in bed.

Edward had put a song by The Strokes on the playlist he made me. I liked the band so much that I downloaded everything I could find. Just as I started to nod off, my favorite song by them came on, and I felt my chest tighten. It was sad sounding and for some reason, today I focused in on the lyrics. When it ended, I got up and hit repeat.

_You say you wanna stay by my side_

_Darlin', your head's not right_

_See, alone we stand, together we fall apart_

_Yeah, I think I'll be all right_

I listened again, tears streaming down my cheeks, fingers pressed against the speaker. Strangely, after listening once again the song actually made me feel a little better, because maybe Jasper wasn't lying. Maybe people really did think that way. Maybe it really _was_ him and not me. For some reason a song could make even the strangest most fucked up outlook sound universal and valid.

I wiped my face but it didn't matter because fresh tears came rolling down again right after, so I just let them flow after that. I wasn't actively thinking about anything, I wasn't trying to wallow and I wasn't really focused on one specific thought. I just cried because…well, because I was crying.

I sat back down on the bed and picked up my phone. As stupid as it was, I went through all of Jasper's text messages. My intention was to delete them, but of course I couldn't resist reading them all first. Most of them just made me angry, because they were either overly charming or sexual and while they used to make me laugh, they now made me feel like a fool who got played. But then I came across one that I actually locked so that it wouldn't get deleted by accident.

_Woke up with a smile; my pillow smells like your skin, my skin smells like you. I'm picking you up after school. Glad I woke up late. _

When he picked up me up that day I kissed his cheek and waved the phone in his face telling him he was secretly a sweetie pie. He frowned and told me I better not have shown it to all my friends. He tried to grab the phone and claimed he was half asleep when he sent the text. At the time I thought it killed the sentiment, but now I realized that message may have represented one of the times he was actually being honest.

Still, it wasn't enough. Why did he say those things? If he didn't mean them, that made him evil. I couldn't believe that about him, despite everything. But if he meant them, then why the hell would he end it, before it even really started? None of the reasons he gave me yesterday were satisfactory and I figured either way it still meant he was fucking selfish and self-preserving.

I hit the delete button but when a box popped up asking me to confirm, I hesitated. If he changed his mind, I'd be sad I deleted it. If he didn't…well maybe it wasn't so bad to remember when he said things like that. Maybe it proved I wasn't so ridiculous for thinking we had something.

I closed the phone and threw it on the floor. I rolled onto my stomach and closed my eyes, and though I never really fell asleep, I did manage to shut my brain off after a little while.

I was staring blankly at the patterns on my comforter when I heard a knock at the door. I wasn't sure how much time had passed since I had first lain down.

I cleared my throat. "Come in."

I rolled over and Alice slipped in and closed the door behind her. "Hey! Are you sick?"

I shook my head and sat up, Indian style. Alice crossed the room and sat down on the bed, too.

"Jasper broke up with me."

"What?" Her cheeks turned red almost instantly.

I shrugged and then rolled my eyes because I felt the tears welling up once again. _Why the hell was I crying so damn much?_

"So, that fucking bastard really was ignoring you?"

"He said he didn't know what to say or how he was feeling."

She threw her arm around my shoulder. "Aw, Bells."

"I slapped him."

"Fucking good."

She let me cry for a little while and then when I calmed down I told her everything. When I got to the slap and the stuff about him not making any promises she shook her head and jumped off the bed. She paced back and forth across the room and then when I finished she sat down next to me, still shaking her head.

"I'm sorry I told you to have sex with him. God, Bella, I didn't know he was going to be such an asshole. I mean, I guess technically he did what he always does but, man, he was so different with you. I mean, I don't know him so I guess it could have been part of his schtick, but if it was, he had us all fooled."

"It doesn't matter what you told me, Alice. I was going to do it anyway, I know I was. I just wanted the validation from you. I kind of thought I just wanted to have sex, and I figured I liked him and I wanted to have sex with him so why not? I guess I didn't realize that I wanted something more until it was too late."

"It's probably true, if you really think about it. He probably really does like you. I mean it's no consolation if he's still gonna be a dick about it, but I don't know, even James said he thought Jasper had it pretty bad for you."

I don't know why the hell I smiled, but I did. "Really?"

She frowned. "Really. But what the hell does it matter if he can't deal with it? In the end what he did to you is worse than what he did with all those other girls he just screwed and bailed on."

"Maybe he'll change his mind."

"Bella, Jasper Hale is a head case. He doesn't know what he wants, so maybe it's just better this way."

I nodded, because she was right.

"On second thought," she continued, "I'm not giving any more advice. I don't know what the fuck I am talking about, obviously, so just don't ever listen to me again, please."

I laughed. "Alice, you're awesome, don't be stupid."

She half-smiled and laughed. We sat in silence for a little bit, and then I remembered that I hadn't finished my story.

"Ugh, after I left Jasper's room I was crying like crazy. It was so embarrassing; I couldn't even get my truck open. Edward came out and opened the door for me and offered to drive me home."

She looked up, wide-eyed. "Oh yeah? Did he?"

"No, because…well he was going to and then, I don't know, he said something about how he hoped Jasper wouldn't do this and I remember him warning me at school that day and I just felt like an idiot, because he ended up being right. And then I remembered what Rosalie said at the party and I just felt so stupid. I told him I wanted to drive myself home, so finally he let me."

"Bella, why the hell would you listen to Rosalie?"

"I don't know. I know she was just being a bitch, but for some reason I just keep wondering if she was right. Maybe he does just pity me."

"That's bullshit. I don't know what's up with him, but would it be so wrong if he just felt bad for you? I mean, you were upset, it's only human that he would sympathize."

"I know, God, I'm such an asshole. But it's Edward, you know? I don't know how to act around him. I just get stupid and paranoid."

"But he's not_ Edward _anymore, is he?" She stressed his name, implying that he was no longer some elusive mythical creature. "He's just Edward, your friend."

"I guess. That's still weird to me."

She opened her mouth to say something and then closed it again. I shimmied further onto the bed and lay down.

"So, obviously I am skipping the dance," I said.

She turned her head sharply to me. "No! Bella, you can't! We're all going!"

"Alice, are you serious? I have no date; Jasper dumped me. How can you possibly expect me to go?"

"Who cares about having a date? None of us will have dates. We'll all go together."

"Angela has been waiting her entire life practically to go to dance with Ben, and you're going to tell her that we're not having dates?"

"Fine, Angela and Ben will go together. I'll be your date. We can be lesbians!"

I threw my head back against the pillow and laughed and she doubled over, resting her head on the bed when she calmed down.

"Seriously though, we'll go as a group. It's not like any of us are going with actual boyfriends anyway. Come on, Bella. We can't go without you."

I sighed and sat up. "I don't have a dress."

"Well, maybe you can borrow one from Jess, or Angela. I'd give you one of mine but, uh, as much as the boys would like it, I don't think anything I have would be appropriate on you."

I laughed. "I don't know, Alice. We'll see."

"Okay, that means yes in my world." She popped up off the bed and stood up. "I gotta go, James is going to be at my house soon—I wanted to show him my dress." She looked apologetic as she said it.

"So how come he's not taking you?" I asked. Maybe Alice was more cut out for this older, aloof guy stuff.

"'Cause I already planned to go with Tyler before I met James. And because he'd probably embarrass me somehow."

"And you're cool with that? And he is?"

She shrugged. "Yeah, sure. I see him lots as is. And by the way, I am going to tell him his friend is an asshole."

I shook my head. "Don't bother. It's not James' fault."

"I know, but if I can't give Jasper shit, I'll give James shit by proxy."

She leaned over and gave me a quick hug. "I'm sorry Jasper is a big fat dildo."

"Me too. Pick me up tomorrow?"

"Definitely. Call Jess and Angela. Figure out the dress situation. Mall is still open for a bit too, you know."

"I'll get back to you on that," I said.

She narrowed her eyes and pointed at me. "You're going, woman." With that she opened the door and slipped out, closing it quietly behind her.

Shortly after she left, I dragged myself out of bed and went downstairs. Renee and Phil were sitting in the family room watching television.

I sat on the recliner across from them. Phil looked up and smiled awkwardly, and we both looked away from each other quickly. I crossed my hands over my lap and tried not to blush. I could have killed Renee for telling him.

"So, Alice is making me go to the dance."

Renee clapped her hands. "Oh good! I'm glad you're going, baby! You'll be so glad you did."

"Well, I don't know, now I don't have a dress. Alice said I should borrow from Angela or Jess, but Jess' boobs are five times bigger than mine and Angela weighs like, forty pounds."

Phil smirked and Renee laughed. "Let's go look at my closet. I used to go to some parties and wear some cute dresses in my day."

"Um, no offense, but I don't want to wear a mom dress to the dance."

This time Phil laughed out loud and Renee frowned. "Bella, do I ever wear _mom _clothes? Come on, at least have a look."

She got up and grabbed my hand to pull me off the chair. We went up stairs and I began to rifle through her closet. I pulled out a black wrap dress and held it up.

"I suppose this one isn't so bad."

She scrunched her face. "I wore that to Grandma Swan's funeral, Bella. That is not a dress for a dance."

She went to the back of her closet and began to unzip some garment bags. "You know, fashion just goes in cycles. Eventually, everything comes back in style again." Her voice was muffled, coming from behind the hanging clothes.

She stepped back out holding a strapless mini dress. It was black with pale pink polka dots and it had a short puffy skirt. I was ready to nix anything she pulled out of her "eighties" section, but it was actually really cute.

"Wow, when did you wear that?"

"New Year's Eve, 1987. Your father said the same thing too, by the way." She winked.

I took the dress from her and held it against me. "I know it's not new and expensive, Bella, but it'll look great on you."

"No, Mom, it's perfect."

She smiled brightly. "Awesome! You can wear the heels you bought for Phil's baseball dinner with that. They will go perfectly."

"Well, I guess I'm going to the dance," I said, eyeing myself in the mirror. "I'm gonna go try this on. Thanks again."

She kissed me on the forehead and I went back to my room to try the dress on and to let Alice know I'd be going to the dance after all.

. . .

The evening of the dance started with a limo pulling up in front of my house, Mike Newton sticking out of the sunroof. I stepped outside and he whistled loudly.

"Damn, girl!" he called as I walked toward the car.

"Big Pimpin'" played loudly out the open windows and as the car came to a stop, Alice and Jessica poked their heads out of one of them.

"Bella! You look so cute!" Jess squealed.

"Jeez, you guys went all out!" I opened the door and peered in to see white leather interior, a flat screen TV and swanky blue lights.

Jess, Alice, Angela, Lauren, Ben, Tyler, Alec and Mike were all inside, and then there was me—the ninth wheel.

"Yeah, thanks to Mr. Newton," Lauren said.

Mike's dad owned several car dealerships so he must have gotten the limo through one of his connections.

Everyone was in good spirits and I felt rather happy that I decided to go. Instead of it being a painful reminder of all the stuff that happened, it ended up being a good distraction.

The dance turned out, for the most part, just like any other dance. It was definitely fun, perhaps in part to my extrememly low expectations, but aside from an interaction with Edward at the food table, where he told me I looked amazing and Alice made embarrassing faces at us, it was a typical evening with friends.

That was until nearer to the end, when Edward asked me to dance and then kissed me. After that, it became overwhelming, awkward, a little scary, and pretty damn confusing.

Edward kissed me, on the dance floor in front of everyone, including Rosalie. At first I was shocked and I didn't know what to do, but then it was Edward, and he was kissing me, and once I was convinced it was real, I guess I kissed him back—because it was all I ever thought about for three years, so how could I not?

Probably the real reason I kissed him back was because before he kissed me, he told me all this stuff, like how he had liked me ever since I started seeing Jasper, and how he knew that I liked him for so long and how he was sorry he never realized it, and that he never said those things to Rosalie and he never pitied me, and it was all just so much that I wanted to keep kissing him so I wouldn't have to think about it for a while.

For a brief moment it was just us. Just us kissing and this pretty song and I forgot that it was totally crazy—but then I heard Rosalie scream, and then it wasn't just us anymore—it was _everyone. _

She was screaming at Edward and at me and I had no idea what to say or what to do. I felt like a horrible person. She called me a whore and then Alice went after her and then I felt like we were on an episode of Jerry Springer. It was completely ridiculous. I had dreamt of kissing Edward a thousand different ways but never, ever like this.

I wanted to say something—to at the very least defend myself, since he kissed me and not the other way around, but there was so much yelling, and people were staring and it was worse than all the times they stared when Jasper came to pick me up. And then I thought of Jasper and about how much I liked it when Edward was kissing me and I thought, _oh man, I really am a whore. _

So I turned and ran out of the gym, because how many more times this week could I be embarrassed—like, completely and utterly mortified? Rosalie made me feel like shit at the party, Jasper had sex with me and then ignored me and then dumped me, I cried in front of Edward, I cried in front of pretty much everyone else, my mom found out I had sex and told my step-dad, and now everyone thought Edward and I were having some kind of affair or something. I felt like I was cursed.

When I got outside I just stood and looked around for a second, probably looking for a place to hide. I walked over to the picnic tables and then I heard the gym doors open and Alice calling me.

I sat down on the bench of a table and a second later, Alice sat next to me.

"Whoa," she said.

"Oh God."

"Okay, I told him you liked him and that he needed to get off his ass if he liked you too, but I didn't mean _tonight. _Jesus, I need to stop giving advice."

I couldn't help but laugh a little.

"Are you mad? Bella, I only said something because I didn't want you to get hurt again."

"I'm not mad, I'm just…confused."

"He likes you a lot, Bells. He used the word _obsessed._"

I turned to her. "Really?"

"Yeah."

"But, Rosalie."

"I know, I know. Not that I give a damn about that Barbie Bitch, but Cullen needs to work on his timing."

"She's going to tell Jasper. And you know she's going to twist it."

Alice rolled her eyes. "He's the last of your worries, he made his bed."

"I know, but I don't want him thinking that I just go around kissing other guys to get over him. And he's always been a little weird with Edward, I just...I don't want to give him an excuse to feel less bad, you know? Like now he'll probably just blame me for everything."

Alice was about to say something when the gym doors opened again and Edward came walking out. He had his jacket on his arms, shirtsleeves rolled up, and his tie was off. He looked amazing, even all disheveled and stressed out.

"You doof," Alice started before he even made it over to him, "I didn't mean tonight! What the hell!" I grabbed her arm and squeezed a bit to calm her down. I did appreciate her defending me, but I also had a feel that Edward didn't exactly mean to put me in a weird spot like he did.

He was shaking his head. "I know, I know, it's not...Bella can I talk to you?"

I looked at Alice and nodded. She got up and started walking toward Edward.

"I'll be at the limo. And you," she pointed in his face. "I really wanted to beat the crap out of your _girlfriend_. I might have to take it out on you if you do any more stupid stuff."

He just nodded and continued walking toward me. Alice mouthed, _you okay? _I nodded and she turned and headed to the parking lot.

Edward sat down next to me and put his elbows on his knees. He rumpled his hair a bit and then sat up again, staring straight ahead.

"I'm sorry, I just put you in a really fucking awkward position. I shouldn't have done that."

I had no idea what to say so I just nodded and stared at my feet.

"I meant that stuff I said in there. And I tried to break up with Rosalie, but she flips out and I...I don't want to be an asshole." He stopped and chuckled. "Sorry, it's just funny because now I am so much more of an asshole. But I did tell her that I was done after graduation. I mean, we were pretty much broken up—I just promised her we'd stick it out in public so that it didn't fuck up all her plans. I should have known that was a ridiculous promise. "

I nodded again, still trying to process everything.

He turned to look at me. "I know my timing is total shit and you probably think I am a complete asshole but I just want you to know I didn't plan any of that. I just wanted to dance with you and then, I don't know, I just couldn't stop myself. Especially when you thought I was just taking pity on you. And Rosalie…God, I was just so fucking angry."

"I don't think you're an asshole, but yeah, you probably shouldn't have done that. Not that I didn't like it, but it's not just about me."

I was clutching the edge of the bench and I felt his hand close over mine. "I shouldn't be doing this to you right now, I know I shouldn't. I'm sorry."

I sighed. "I think I actually need to go. I'm not even sure what to think right now. I just need some time."

I didn't want him to think I was blowing him off, or even that I was upset with him, but I just had no idea what to say. There was no simple answer and the silence between us was not peaceful, but apprehensive. I had no answer to give him, so there was nothing he could do but sit and watch me deliberate.

He nodded and stood with me. "Can I give you a ride?"

"No, I should go with my friends. And maybe you should go find Rosalie? Because I think you need to deal with that before anything else."

"You're right. I hope you don't think I'm a dog, Bella. I'm pretty stupid sometimes, and probably pretty thoughtless, but I don't…this isn't something I do all the time. It's actually not something I've ever done."

I nodded and we stood there for a few moments. I don't know why, but I was so hesitant to leave. He brought his hands to my jaw, his fingers resting beneath my ears. I felt guilty that a part of me wanted him to kiss me again.

Instead he tilted my head up a bit and looked into my eyes. "I want you to know that I don't expect anything from you. Like I said, I know my timing is off and I know that I could not have gone about all of this in a more backwards fashion. I just felt like you should know how I felt."

"It's like...I've just spent two days crying over Jasper, and then you kiss me, and I liked it, and that feels wrong. I can't trust what I'm feeling right now—this week has just been…crazy."

His grip on my jaw tightened just a little bit. "I know and like I said, I don't expect anything. And I'll wait, Bella. I'll wait for you for as long as you need to me to, if that's what you want."

I nodded and he his grip loosened, his hands sliding down my neck to my shoulders. The sensation sent shivers down my spine and I hoped he couldn't tell.

"And if you don't want anything to do with me, romantically, well I'd still like to try to be friends. I've really enjoyed hanging out with you lately, and I don't want it to lose you completely. So hopefully, if I didn't totally weird you out, you'll consider it." He removed his hands, and stepped back a bit.

"Of course, I'm just…" I hesitated for a moment and he cut me off.

"I don't need an answer from you, I just needed to say all of that."

I nodded and he titled his head toward the front of the school. "I'm gonna go out front and see if Rosalie's still here."

"Okay, I should get back to Alice and them."

He laughed, "Yeah, before she hunts me down."

I smiled and started toward the parking lot. "She's been a little overprotective lately. Plus, she's just belligerent, she likes a good fight."

"Yeah, I can tell. Well, it's good that she takes care of you. That makes me like her."

I just knew I was blushing so I looked away.

"I'll talk to you? Maybe tomorrow? Can I call you?"

"Yeah," I said, "and we're still meeting on Sunday for Bio?"

"Definitely."

We parted ways and I headed back to the limo, my head still foggy from the events of the night.

. . .

The next day I woke up early, and after my shower and breakfast I called Alice and asked if she wanted to hang out. We made plans for her to pick Angela and Jess up, and then we'd go to the 5 and Diner for lunch, and to talk about the previous night.

I saw Renee and Phil briefly before they left for his game, and I decided to skip telling them the details of the night before. I was sure they had both had enough of my drama for a little while, and I still didn't really know what I wanted to do about it all anyway.

Shortly after Renee and Phil left, the girls arrived and we headed out. When we got situated in our booth we all ordered milkshakes to start.

"So, have you heard from him yet?" Jess asked.

"It's barely twelve o'clock! Plus, he had to go deal with Rosalie after I left, so who knows how much sleep he got," I responded.

"Do you know what you're going to do?" Angela asked. She grabbed a spoon to start eating her milkshake and Jess glared at her. For some reason she hated when Angela ate her milkshake with a spoon.

"Not really. I mean, I feel like it's too fast. Jasper and I just broke up, or whatever, what the hell do I call that anyway?"

They all looked at each other and shrugged.

"Anyway, it seems too fast. I mean, I like him, but...I don't know, what should I do?"

Alice threw her hands in the air. "Don't even look at me. I am not saying a damn thing."

I was surprised when Angela spoke up, in a rather firm tone. "I say do it. Go for it."

"What? Now?"

"Bella, if you had just met Edward last night, I might say you were moving too fast, and that maybe you couldn't trust that your feelings weren't just a reaction to a broken heart. But you've liked Edward forever, and so you know that it's not just because you're lonely or whatever."

"Yeah, but what if...what if Jasper had a change of heart?"

"Too damn late!" Alice practically shouted. "I mean, never mind!"

"Too damn late," Angela said in agreement. "Besides, you were with Jasper for how long? Like a month? Month and a half? And this whole time you've been getting to know Edward too, so I hardly think anyone could accuse you of rushing."

"But before, I didn't really know Edward. I mean I liked him, but I didn't know him."

"Bella, you knew enough. I know it wasn't all about looks, you knew every little thing about him that you possibly could without actually having talked to him," said Angela.

"True that," Jess said. "And there's nothing wrong with thinking he's hot first and then getting to know him and liking the rest anyway. If he was an asshole, we would not be having this discussion."

"Okay, well what about the fact that I liked him for so long and he basically admitted that he didn't know who I was before Jasper and I got together? Shouldn't I care at least a bit about that?"

"God, so what? Quit being a baby. You practically ran and hid every time he walked by. If you could have melted into the walls, you would have. What did you expect? You never, ever tried to make your presence known. Finding out that someone like you—and I don't mean any offense by that—was going out with Jasper, who just so happened to have been his girlfriend's brother—would obviously have gotten his attention," Jess replied. "You think he likes you just because you were with Jasper? If that were true, he'd have to have a crush on a damn lot of girls."

She stopped abruptly and Angela and Alice made pained faces.

"Sorry, I didn't mean it like that!" she clarified

"No, I know. And you're right. You guys are right. I'm just so freaked out. I mean, it's _Edward_."

"I know, what the hell, you get one super crazy hot guy and then another like thirty seconds later. That is _not_ fair. I think you should have to give me Edward," she said, smiling. "Or Jasper."

Angela smacked her but I just shrugged. "Hey, he's single now."

"I am _just kidding,_ Bella, I would _never_ do that."

Jess definitely liked her boys, but I had faith that her loyalty to me trumped sex. Although, I figured I had better get used to the idea of Jasper being with other girls. The thought alone made me wince, and I just hoped that I'd never have to hear about it.

The girls had actually managed to help put things into perspective for me. The truth was, I would never know what the right decision was, or how things would play out given my choices. There was no way to ensure that everything would fall in to place or that I wouldn't get hurt. All I knew was that regardless of how I had always felt about Edward, I had really wanted things to work out with Jasper and if it had been totally up to me, we'd still be together. Jasper obviously didn't feel the same way, and now I was single and I still liked Edward and now Edward liked me too. And when I thought about it that way, it seemed like a no-brainer. Then again, I had followed that very similar logic once before and it didn't pan out so well.

I decided that it might be best to just not think about things so much this time around, since thinking did little to affect the outcome of things. There were more players in my life than just me, and since I had no idea which was the right path to take, I figured I'd just go with the flow and hope it didn't all blow up in my face again. I never claimed my approach was scientific.

I eventually managed to shift the focus of the conversation and I listened as the rest of the girls talked about their own love interests and gossip from the dance. I got home late in the afternoon and Edward called in the evening. I asked him how he was doing and he just groaned and said he was exhausted. I could only imagine how things went with Rosalie. I told him that it would probably be better to just talk about things in person on Sunday, when we met for Bio. He agreed and we made plans on when to meet the next day.

On Sunday, I slept in until ten and then got up, had breakfast and then started getting ready. I put on t-shirt and a denim skirt, hoping to look like I wasn't trying very hard, and even took the time to blow dry my hair and put on a little bit of makeup.

At 12:30 I got in my truck and headed over to Edward's house. When I pulled into his driveway, I sat in the truck for just a moment and took a few calming breaths. Then I got out and walked up the path to his front door, hoping to God I wasn't headed toward another big, fat letdown.


	21. Romans 13:11

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. If you knew some of the things I wrote today, you'd be glad of that.**

**Muchas gracias to Legna989! And Elle and RedVelvetHeaven and my other homies.

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**

_"Besides this you know the time, that the hour has come for you to wake from sleep. For salvation is nearer to us now than when we first believed."_

_**Romans 13:11

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**_

_**Edward Cullen**_

I took a deep breath and knocked on the front door at the Hale residence. I was completely fucking exhausted from last night and it was the last thing I wanted to do with my Saturday morning, but I knew I had to get this conversation over with A.S.A.F.P.

Of course, of all people, Reverend Hale had to answer the door.

His lips pursed the moment he saw me standing there. "Edward, come on in."

I hesitated and then stepped into the house.

"Rosalie is out back," he said before heading upstairs.

I was more than a little surprised at his reaction, or lack thereof, to me. It seemed impossible that Rosalie would not have told him about what happened at the dance.

I walked out to the backyard and saw Rosalie lounging in her bikini on one of the chairs by the pool. It seemed wholly inappropriate to break up with her while she sat flipping through magazines in a swimsuit. But then, this was Rosalie.

As soon as I opened the door her head snapped up and she huffed. She was all done up, her hair, her makeup. She seemed as though she were positioned on that chair, waiting for me.

"I'm not sure I even want to talk to you, Edward."

I sat on the lounger across from her, trying to avoid looking at her body. "Rose, we _have _to talk. We can't just ignore shit anymore."

"We? I believe you were the one _ignoring shit, _Edward."

"No, I wasn't the only one. I tried to break up with you, Rosalie. That talk in your room about taking a break...that was me _trying. _You just emotionally manipulate me all the time. All the tears and shit, what was I supposed to do? How could you not have seen it, Rosalie? We were over so long ago, but you...we...we just let it drag out forever.

"I feel bad about what happened at the dance. I should not have done that, but that's what happens when things just go on too fucking long. I just...I couldn't hold back anymore. And she fucking told me what you said at the party. How could you tell her that I was only pitying her? You knew what you were doing."

She sneered. "Maybe I believed that. Maybe I believed that you were, and just didn't realize it. Why else would you suddenly start hanging all over her and hating on Jasper?"

"You know that wasn't the case, and even if you didn't, you said it like it was fact. That makes you a liar, Rosalie."

"Yeah, well that makes two of us. If you had feelings for her, you kept them from me and that makes you a liar and a cheater."

"All right, so I am. So I am a fucking bastard for trying to stay with you 'til graduation and failing because you refused to stop manipulating me."

She threw her magazine on the ground and stood up. "What do you expect me to do, Edward? Just say 'okay, see ya' and not put up a fight? Give in and hand you over to that fucking mousy junior skank now that she's done with my brother?"

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a moment. "It's not fucking about her Rosalie. We were done before her, so quit fucking bringing her up. I know I fucked up at the dance, but it was a goddamn means to an end. This was over before that and you knew it, even if you wouldn't admit it."

I saw the change in Rosalie's expression and I knew what was coming before she opened her mouth.

"But it can't be over, Edward. It's us! Why wouldn't you rather try to fix it? If it's not about her, why don't you want to fix it?"

"There's no fixing it! There never was a chance at fixing it. Rosalie, how can you not see that? I know I am a prick for letting this drag on, but I didn't know what to do. I didn't even know what was wrong. But I just can't believe that you still buy in to all this...to us." I raked my fingers through my hair and sighed. I had a horrible feeling that this conversation could go on forever.

"We make more sense than you and her."

"It's not about what makes sense, or what fits into some kind of stereotype. You and me? We make no sense. And I'm not going to spend hours explaining that to you and I am not going to let you cry and beg and manipulate me into staying any longer. I'm done, Rosalie. You should think of this as a blessing. I'm just as wrong for you as you are for me."

I saw the tears welling up in her eyes and I shook my head and looked away.

"You can't leave me, Edward! Please, I can forgive you for this dance thing if you want me to. I'll find a way to get past it. We have to go to prom and you can't leave, not right now." She was sobbing hysterically by the time she finished speaking and even though we had been through this a thousand times, I couldn't help but feel like shit.

"I'm sorry. I can't back down this time. It's better this way, you'll see."

She launched herself at me and pressed her face against my neck. I gripped her upper arms in an attempt to hold her back a bit. "Please! You can't! You're ruining everything. You can't."

I managed to push her back a bit. "Rosalie, I'm done. I'm sorry, I wish there was a better way to do this. I'm sorry about the dance, but I just...this has to stop now. It has to stop."

She collapsed back into the chair sobbing and I felt like the biggest fucking asshole on the planet. She had manipulated me and everyone else in her life endlessly, made Bella feel like shit, and lied outright God knows how many times, and still I felt like a dick. Because at the very least, I had no real excuse for why it took me so long to do this—other than that I was a fucking wimp.

"Get the fuck out of my house," she sniffled. She lifted her head and I know she wanted to look angry—and I think I needed her to look angry—but instead she just looked broken and exhausted. "Now. Get out now please."

There was nothing else I could do. I knew she didn't want my comfort, especially without the promise of changing my mind, and I suddenly felt so out of place at her house. I suppose I had always been out of place here, but now I was acutely aware of it and it almost made my skin itch. I backed away from her and went inside, still feeling sick at myself for leaving her crying there. But the thing was, Rosalie would always be crying, and for once I had to stop letting it influence me. I walked back through the house to the front door and prayed that I would make it out without running into Jasper or the Reverend.

When I walked back out onto the driveway I noted that Jasper wasn't even here. It was pretty early for him to be up and out, and I wondered if he even came home the night before. I hoped for Bella's sake that he hadn't already gone back to his same old bullshit. I got in my car and sped home, never before feeling so relieved to get there.

I was barely in the house when Emmett came bounding down the stairs.

"You just coming back from Rosalie's?" he asked.

"Yep," I answered, heading for the kitchen.

He pressed for details. "Aaaaand?

"Are you sure this isn't too 90210 for you, Em?"

"Shut up, what happened?"

"I broke up with her and she cried and told me to fuck off and then cried some more. What did you expect?"

He shook is head. "Why does she even want to date a tool like you in the first place?"

I couldn't help but laugh because it was a pretty valid question, and then in some ways ridiculous. I did feel bad about the way things dissolved with Rosalie and about the way I managed my life for the past...really long time...but her behavior during all of this didn't exactly warrant her a fucking stand-up Mr. Nice Guy either.

"I have no idea, Em. Honestly, I have no idea why either of us started dating each other." I opened the fridge and began to peruse.

"High school hierarchy, or whatever. You were Mr. Handsome Pants Ritchie Rich Soccer Star and she was Hot Tits McPromQueen. It's an unspoken rule. It's why I dated Jane all through senior year, even though she was a psycho hosebeast."

I pulled a cup of Jell-o from the fridge and tilted my head back, emptying half the plastic container in my mouth at once. When I was done chewing and swallowing, I spoke again. "I'm ashamed that I ever bought into that."

He shrugged. "You did and you didn't, I'd imagine. After all, you were totally Kurt Cobaining over the move and shit. I don't ever remember you being all about the Rosalie thing. I seriously thought you were gay, because fuck, she is so smoking hot."

I spat my Jell-o in the sink. "You thought I was gay? What the fuck? For how long?"

"Um, 'til Friday night when Jasper told me you cheated on her. With a girl, thank God."

"Jesus, you're so full of shit. You did not think I was fucking gay. You're a fucking Abercrombie model."

"Yes, and I have to beat the pussy away with a bat because of it, so shut the fuck up. And once I found a Queen CD in your room."

"Emmett, that is the most fucking retarded piece of evidence ever. Do you know how many people like Queen?"

"You mean that are not gay?"

I glared at him.

"Whatever, I'm just fucking with you. I know you're not gay, I've had to witness more than my fair share of your tonsil hockey sessions. You just never seemed very grateful that such a hot chick was willing to date you."

"All right, I am not even sure how I am supposed to take that. Anyway, it's fucking done. We broke up. So now I don't even know if Bella will have me, because Jasper dicked her over and I made an ass out of us at the dance, and on top of that I am an asshole to our friends, I am sure, for that and for breaking up with Rosalie before prom."

Emmett smacked his head. "God, you _are _an asshole. Dude, you couldn't have waited?"

"I _was _waiting! That is what fucking got me into this mess. Waiting was fucking my chances up with Bella."

"But Bella was with Jasper."

"Well, yes, technically...but there was something there...I kind of felt it, and then I found out she has liked me for three years."

"Three years and you never knew? She didn't say or do anything about it? What, did she just like, admire you from afar?" He shook his head. "What a dork."

I punched his arm but somehow managed only to hurt my knuckles. "Shut the fuck up, she's not a dork. She's just...shy."

"Does she have nice titties?"

I ignored him and headed towards the stairs.

Still, he called out to me. "She must be a nice piece of tail if she's got Jasper all worked up."

I refused to bait him, so he followed me. "You realize what I have to do now, right?" he asked, grabbing his keys off the hook by the door.

"What?" I asked, turning on the stairs to face him.

"I have to go ask Rosalie to her prom."

. . .

I heard the doorbell ring on Sunday afternoon, and I cursed because I was upstairs at the end of the house. I bolted down the hall but froze and cursed again when I heard that I was too late.

"Well, hello!"

"Is Edward home?" My chest felt all heavy when I heard her voice. It felt like it had been forever, even though it was just yesterday that I spoke to her on the phone.

"Bella, I presume?" Emmett was using his 'fucking around' voice and I was concerned about what could come out of his mouth in the time it took me to get to the door.

"Yes! You're Emmett. I remember you from school."

"Oh, really? I'm sorry, but as surprising as it is, I don't remember you."

"It's not surprising. I was a freshman and you wouldn't have known me anyway." She clearly didn't pick up on what he was doing there. Thank God.

"Em, I got it," I said as I came down the stairs. I grabbed the door and nudged him out of the way.

"Excuse me, Bella and I were in the middle of reminiscing."

"Emmett, get the fuck out," I sighed before turning to Bella. "Hey."

She blushed and I prayed Emmett missed it. "Hi," she said quietly.

"Oh, this is precious. If it weren't under such sordid circumstances, I'd say you two make an adorable couple."

I hit him hard in the arm but he didn't flinch. "Emmett, go somewhere-the-fuck-else."

Emmett just turned back to Bella and smiled, seemingly genuinely. "It's nice to meet you Bella, seriously."

With that he turned and headed toward the kitchen. I closed the door behind Bella and led her upstairs. When we got to my room, she put her book bag down and immediately pulled a binder and a few books out, plunking them on my bed before sitting down Indian-style. I smiled to myself; the fact that she was so comfortable in my room brought me some weird sense of satisfaction.

"I was thinking maybe we can start with a description of what an anaerobic digester is," Bella said, laying out note cards in front of us on the bed. I sat next to her on the bed and stared at her as she tried to focus on the cards in front of her.

"You really want to jump right in?" I asked, sitting down.

She dropped the note card she was holding and looked up after a moment. "I don't know...I don't know what to do."

"Do you want to talk, about how you feel or Friday night or something?"

She looked down again and thought for a moment and then looked back up at me. "How did it go...yesterday with Rosalie?"

"As I expected, I guess. I don't know how I ever let things get so out of hand. It just sneaks up on you, you know?"

She nodded and I continued. "I mean, she's pissed at me, of course she would be, so I just said what I had to say and then left. I couldn't drag it out any longer. Rosalie does the same thing every time I break up with her, or even get close to mentioning it. Hence why I could never manage to do it." I stopped for a moment and frowned. "I'm sorry, is this weird? Me talking about this?"

"Well, obviously you need to. I mean, it feels a little weird. That might be because part of me hates her so much that I have trouble feeling like I should be sympathetic, and then part of me actually does feel sympathetic. And that makes me feel weird."

I nodded. "Yeah, I think I feel the same way actually."

"I wish you hadn't given me a reason to sympathize, you know?"

"I know, Bella. I'm sorry about that. I really am. It just happened...I was so afraid of losing my chance and I was so upset that you believed what she said and I just-"

"I know. It's just the locale...the timing...I mean...I enjoyed kissing you, Edward, honestly I did."

"You did?" I couldn't help the smile the spread across my face.

She blushed furiously and looked away. "I mean, yeah..."

I slid closer to her on the bed until our knees touched and then leaned forward slightly. "Could I try again?"

She looked up, her eyelids heavy. She was staring at my mouth. "I don't know...I said that I'd..." she trailed off, as if she had lost her train of thought.

I leaned in closer and she sighed just a little. I took that as a green light and leaned in, pressing my lips against hers. Our lips didn't really move much at first until I took the lead and pressed mine harder against hers, until I was moving both of our lips. She leaned forward just a bit, so I pushed her mouth open more and then ran my tongue between her lips. I gasped into her mouth when I felt her tongue dart out to graze the tip of mine and then suddenly our mouths were wide on each other and my hand was on the back of her head, my fingers tangled in her sweet-smelling hair.

I dropped my other hand on top of hers, which was resting on her folded ankles, and then I laced my fingers through hers. We kept kissing like that until she whimpered a little and then I was up on my knees, leaning into her and pushing her back, back, back until she was lying back against the pillows and I was next to her, and over her, our tongues swirling around each other. I glanced down and happen to notice her denim skirt riding up on her thighs and I groaned because her thighs were the subject of so many of my fantasies, and how badly did I want to put my hand on one and slide it up and up? I wanted to feel her panties and her bra and her skin and I wanted to finger her and I wanted her in my lap and—_fuck_—I was hard now, and deep down I knew, I _felt_, that the kiss was coming to an end.

Sure enough she pressed her hands against my chest and pushed me back. I was surprised to find my hand was still on the bed next to me and not on her legs. The fantasy had been so real that I thought maybe I had pushed her too far.

We both panted for a second and though I wanted to apologize, I couldn't bring myself to, perhaps because it wouldn't totally been sincere. It was the best kiss I had ever had and I didn't want it to end and I wasn't sorry it happened.

"Edward...I'm sorry, it just feels so strange."

I understood completely, but it didn't make it less frustrating. I had promised her I would wait, if that's what she needed, and I would, but it didn't make me want to kiss her any less. As long as she wanted to kiss me back, I wouldn't be strong enough to stop myself.

She continued before I could collect my thoughts and vocalize them. "I mean you _just _broke up with Rosalie. The same for me and Jasper, I guess-"

I cut her off, "But Bella, with me and Rosalie...I haven't had any real feelings for a long time. And yes, that is fucked up for a whole different set of reasons, but in this context it should tell you that I am not conflicted. I am not rebounding. I want _you." _

She took a deep breath. "It's not the same with me and Jasper. I'm sorry, but I liked him and I barely got any closure and I mean, what would you think of me if I could just jump to a new guy right after, if perhaps it wasn't you? I _like _kissing you—and that makes me feel...weird."

"Why? Why does it make you feel weird? If what Alice said was true, if you did like me before, then why is it weird?"

"Because I should have moved on. When I was with Jasper, I should have moved on and that means that now I shouldn't be ready." She looked down at her fingers, her voice heavy with so much unnecessary guilt.

"Bella, do you like me?"

"Yes, I do."

"Do you like kissing me?"

"Y-yes..."

"Do you want to be here with me? Right now, is this where you want to be?"

"Yes."

"So then I don't care who you kissed before. Jasper made his choice and I know that you still have lingering feelings but if you are with me, here, right now—like really with me—I don't care about the rest and I just...I don't want you to feel bad. He came here Friday night, you know?"

"What?"

"Yeah. Sorry, I meant to tell you, it just sort of...I guess I wasn't sure if it was something you'd want to know or not."

"Why did he come here?"

"Well, Rosalie came home and told him about the dance, of course. He came here to give me shit, but not just about Rosalie, about you."

"How so?"

"Well, typical jealous guy stuff. But he also kind of...I think he gave me his blessing or some fucked up version."

Tears sprung from her eyes and down her cheeks almost immediately. I stared at her in shock for a moment before it really registered and then I wrapped my arm around her.

"Fuck, I didn't mean to make you cry!"

She shook her head but couldn't speak, instead her eyes filling with more tears, pushing the ones pooling there down her cheeks.

I leaned back against the headboard and pulled her to me. "Bella, he did care. In some fucked up, weird, ass backwards, retarded hillbilly way, he did care." I paused and then winced. "Sorry...about the hillbilly thing."

She let out another sob and I pulled her closer. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, fuck, I pushed you. I don't know what I am talking about, okay? I want to be good to you and I want to be your friend and help you feel better about all this, but it's really fucking hard. I can't stop wanting you. Like, I can't turn it off, even when I really want to. I swear you can push me away and kick me in the balls and punch me in the face if I get too obnoxious—I swear, I'll take it and I won't hold it against you. You just have to remind me when I'm getting...when I'm pushing it."

She was still shaking against my chest, though she had calmed down considerably from a moment before. I sat up quickly and pulled her up to face me. My heart broke when I looked into her big, wet eyes and at her red, tear-stained face.

"But I have to tell you—I'm not going to go around talking shit about Jasper all the time, because you liked him and so that must mean there's something good about him—but I have to tell you that I would never _ever _make you cry like this. I would never push you away. Maybe that makes him stronger than me, I don't know, but I would never ever fucking do that to you. "

Well, because I am a dumbass, that just made her fucking cry more. She buried her face in my neck and though she was quiet still, I could feel her tears soaking me, and her back trembling. I leaned back again and let her cry into my neck until she was completely still.

And then after a little while I swore I could feel her lips on my neck, and then a few seconds later I _did _feel them under my chin. I titled my head down and then our lips brushed across each other and then we were kissing again. Slowly, but this time it didn't take long for our tongues to find each other.

I wanted to do more, naturally. I wanted to put my hands on her stomach and then maybe eventually move it under her shirt and then maybe under her bra, but I didn't. I didn't move my hands and she didn't move hers and honestly, I was fine with that. I was more than fine with that, I was in fucking heaven.

It was almost unheard of, the fact that I felt everything I imagined I would when kissing her. I fantasized about it so many times that I didn't believe that it would actually ever live up. There was just no way that the perfection of my fantasies could compete with reality, and yet it did. Kissing her was amazing. It was like...it was just fucking perfect.

After a few minutes I moved my hand, just to bring it to her jaw. We were kissing relentlessly, though I wouldn't have minded if our bodies were just a little closer. I don't know how long we had been kissing like that when Bella finally pulled back, panting heavily.

"Okay, we...we need to calm down," she said when she finally caught her breath.

I smoothed her hair and then nodded and sat up, not wanting to push my luck with her. "I think anaerobic digesters will do the trick."

. . .

On Monday, I realized as I walked into school that I had no idea what Bella and I were, exactly. I was pretty sure we weren't exactly dating yet, but I had no idea how I should act around her.

As I walked down the halls I could not ignore the stares, smirks and whispers. I was kind of hoping people had forgotten about the dance over the weekend, but clearly I was wrong—and by now even the sophomores and freshmen had been filled in. I decided to look for Bella to see how she was dealing.

As I searched for her in the halls, I saw Rosalie and Carmen leaning against some lockers, talking. Another fucking awkward situation I had to think about how to deal with. I looked over to her, but she simply looked through me and then back at Carm. Apparently her approach would be to pretend that I didn't exist. It was certainly going to be difficult for her to do that in the long run, considering she had accepted my brother's bizarre invitation to the prom.

I asked Emmett why the fuck he felt compelled to do that and he responded that he just felt bad that her prom plans had been fucked up, and because he had been hot shit at St. Mary's he figured his presence at the dance would be a treat. But Emmett always used his egotistical sense of humor for a reason—there was always some purpose behind it. Normally it helped him diffuse tense or awkward situations, which he particularly despised, but in this case I couldn't help but feel like it was to cover up his opportunism. After all, he did flirt with Rosalie a lot over the years we dated. I always ignored it because it seemed harmless, but perhaps there was more to his actions. In the end, I cared even less than I would have expected. My mind could only focus on one thing now: Bella.

Who happened to be sitting on the floor in the art wing, a place lots of kids hung out in before first bell, with her friends Angela, Alice and Mike.

"Hey," I said, walking up to them.

Before she could respond, Mike shouted, "Cullen, you dog. We're going to have to have a talk, mano a mano."

Bella rolled her eyes and stood up. "Ignore him, he's pretending to be protective now."

I looked down at Mike. "My intentions are honorable. Mostly, I swear. I'll have her in homeroom by 8:45."

Mike laughed and nodded. "All right, son. If she ends up pregnant, I'm gonna castrate you with my shotgun."

Alice busted out laughing. Angela smacked Mike hard. "That was disgusting!"

I turned back to Bella. "Can we talk for a minute?"

"Sure," she said, allowing me to lead her away from her friends.

We walked further down the art wing and I looked around for somewhere private. I chuckled when we found ourselves in front of the supply closet we were in the time I had to apologize to her for being a nosy dick.

We ducked into the room and closed the door.

"I just wanted to know if you're okay. I know people are kind of...talking today."

She smiled. "Yeah, I'm okay. It's awkward as hell, but I'm just trying to ignore people. Alice is taking care of pretty much anyone she hears talking about it, so I think people will be shutting up pretty soon."

"Thank God for her. I just want to say I am sorry again. I feel like shit—this is all my fault."

"Yeah, it is," she said, laughing. Her face turned serious and she stepped a little closer. For the first time in forever I became very aware of her uniform. When you go to a private school all your life you get used to the uniform, but she looked fucking delicious in the little skirt and tight polo shirt with the collar popped and all the buttons undone.

"Besides, it might have been worth it," she said, her voice a little lower now.

I swallowed, because I was really not expecting her to be so open to..._us_...at school, at that. I put my hand on her neck and leaned close to her.

"Thank God we only have a couple weeks of school left, because..." I cut myself off when I pressed my lips against hers.

She closed her eyes and opened her mouth and then mine was melding to hers, just like the day before. She put her hands against my chest and I wrapped my arm around her.

When the first bell rang she pulled back. "I should go." She looked almost apologetic.

"Yeah," I said, my gaze still fixated on her perfect lips.

"I'll see you in Bio. We have to present today. People are going to...it's going to be embarrassing."

"Yeah, I know...we'll be all right. It's like, twenty minutes and then it's over for good. Just try to ignore the audience."

She nodded.

"I'm not worried about them. To be honest, I'm just going to have a hard time not thinking about that kiss." I added, wrapping both my hands gently around her neck, stroking her throat with my thumbs.

She blushed. "Stop! God, now I'm going to be thinking about _that! _Thanks a lot!"

I slid my hand down her arms and threaded my fingers through hers. "Come on, we'll be fine." I pulled her to the door and then hesitated, looking down at our hands. "Is this...are you okay with this?"

She sighed. "I want to be, but...I think it might be a little early."

I nodded—because in all honesty it probably was. "Yeah, you're right." I pulled her hand up and kissed it so she knew I wasn't offended, and then opened the door, checking to make sure the coast was mostly clear before we left the room.

We definitely didn't need _those _kind of rumors. Particularly when they, unfortunately, wouldn't even be true. I walked with her to her homeroom and when I saw that no one was in the hall I quickly brushed my fingertips against hers and then brought them up to my lips.

"I'll see you later," I said after releasing her hand.

She smiled and tugged on the strap of her backpack. "Yeah, see ya."

I turned and headed to my homeroom, feeling better than I had any right to on a Monday morning.


	22. Proverbs 26:12

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement intended. **

**Grazie mille to Legna989, or as HM4 and Profmom call her: The MastaBeta. (Tee-hee).**

**Also, thanks to ElleCC and RedVelvetHeaven who listen to me bitch and moan about this more than anyone should have to.

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**

_"Do you see a man who is wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him."_

_**Proverbs 26:12

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_**Jasper Hale**_

I pulled into a parking spot in front of Rogue West and sat for a few moments, watching a crowd of tattooed rockabilly types who were congregated out front. As I stepped out of the car, I heard a low whistle that was distinctly male. I bristled for a moment until I heard him say, "Now that's a nice ride."

I turned to him and nodded and he began walking a slow circle around Pearl, checking her out. It looked as though he fancied himself to be a James Dean type, but the getup was a little over the top and he looked more like John Travolta in _Grease_.

"Black leather interior, nice. You restore it yourself?"

"More or less, yeah. My mechanic in Texas, Charlotte, she helped with some of it. She works for Red's in San Antonio—they specialize in Antiques and Classics."

He grilled me on the car for a bit before jutting his chin out, gesturing toward the parking lot at the side of the bar.

"I got a '69 Barracuda over there," he said proudly.

"Oh yeah?" I asked, already heading towards the side of the building.

Sure enough, parked a few spaces down, there was a shiny, cherry red 'Cuda with a black hood and roof. It was a pretty nice looking car, but I didn't come here to bond with dudes over cars. I came here to get drunk and bury my dick, and hopefully all my troubles, in Maria.

I talked shop for a few minutes with the guy, listening to him drone on about the car until we hit a break in the conversation and I was able to excuse myself, claiming I was in desperate need of a beer. I supposed it wasn't even a lie.

I grabbed the handle of the door and for a moment I felt really fucking worried that she wasn't even working tonight. I needed a distraction pretty fucking badly and I really didn't want to have to work very hard for it. I pushed the door open and the sounds of the Cramps burst from the club, blaring into the mostly empty lot. The music was unnecessarily loud in this place, which was exactly how it fucking should be, right now.

I turned my head from the small dance floor to the bar to find Maria standing there, shaking her head and smiling.

"I'll be damned. Mister Jasper Hale, fancy seeing you here," Maria said, leaning forward as I sat in front of her. I took her up on her gracious offer, staring at her tits for a long moment before looking back up with a smile.

"Hey, Maria."

"How come you're flying solo tonight...no James, even?"

"Nope. Just me. Disappointed?"

"Hardly. Beer?" she asked, pulling out a glass before she finished.

"Please, Pabst will do," I said, twirling a coaster. I felt strange being here, like I was revisiting a past life or something. It was a weird mix of melancholy and anticipation, as if I had lived this moment before but couldn't remember what happened next.

She plunked a beer down in front of me and smiled. "You look a little tired." She had to lean in and shout over the din.

"More than a little; it's been a weird...couple of weeks."

"Oh yeah? Care t-" she started, but was cut off by someone approaching with a drink order. She raised her index finger to me to tell me she'd be a minute.

She served several people and then, just as she turned to walk back over to me, "Twist and Shout" by The Beatles came on, and half the patrons at the bar started whooping and hollering. I'd been here enough to know what came next, and sure enough, Maria smirked, scanned the row of shouting guys and girls on the other side of the bar, and then hopped up on to it. She was wearing a skin-tight pair of pants and a corset-type thing. Her hair was pulled into a low ponytail but the top was sticking up like some kind of pompadour, and she had a bright red flower pinned to the side. She always wore a lot of makeup, but it suited her—just like the pin-up girl on her arm.

She bent over and gave the room a nice view of her fantastic ass as she grabbed two bottles of tequila from behind the bar. She was doing her shimmy and wiggle thing, pouring tequila down the throats of all the people pressed up against the bar. I wondered how much she must make a night in tips—she was most definitely the fucking queen bee around here.

I smiled for a moment as I watched and tried to feel like I felt when I came here before...before Bella. Though this place was a bit of a distraction, I just couldn't shake the general feeling of unhappiness that had settled over me like a layer of dust. Or a fucking one-ton anvil. At times I almost didn't notice the weight of it because I had been carrying it around for days now, but every now and then, I realized that the edge had been taken off of everything. Good and bad. I just felt like I was in a fog, or submerged in murky water. I was fucking emo, is what I was. I panicked slightly at the realization that even Maria shaking her tits on the bar wasn't snapping me out of it.

I don't know why I thought that coming here on the heels of that shitty conversation with Edward would just magically fix everything, but I did, and now I was fucking disappointed. I wondered what exactly I'd have to do to forget Bella, and all the stuff that happened over the past month and a bit. I wondered if I could just force it for a little while, maybe force it until it became natural to me again. It's a frightening thing when you realize you've somehow gone against the very fabric of your being, to the point where you may have possibly altered it. But that also meant I could alter it again, if I tried hard enough.

So when Maria invited me up to her place with a wink, I of course accepted—even though images and thoughts of Bella were still playing on a loop in my mind.

I was hanging out, drinking beer after beer, waiting for last call and closing time, when I got a text from Peter. He'd tried to call earlier, but I didn't hear the phone.

_Hey, you around?_

I quickly typed back:

_Nah, at Rogue West. _

And being the homo that he is, he sent me back:

_:( _

Peter didn't like Maria very much. In fact, he once referred to her as the devil. In some ways, I was inclined to agree, but not tonight. Tonight she was my savior, and she was going to fix me.

Finally, at around 3 a.m., she was ready to go, and I was thankful that she lived just a few doors down from the bar, in a small and crazily appointed one-bedroom.

She opened the door and I took a deep breath, the familiar smell bringing forth a lot of memories—cigs and perfume and the gum from baseball cards. It felt like years since I had been here last.

"So things with Riley didn't work out, huh?"

"I guess you could say that. I don't do jealous, and I don't do possessive. He took a turn for the worse."

I nodded.

"What about that little girl from the party in the desert?" she asked. I didn't like her tone, a mixture of condescension and amusement. Even the term _little girl _was carefully selected to make a point. She had to cut that shit out because it was a fucking turn-off.

I shrugged, not wanting to discuss it with her; aside from the fucking 24-hour tickertape of miserable thoughts running in the back of my head, I preferred to try not to think about it.

"Ran its course?" I knew what she meant by that, and it made me sick because from her perspective, it would seem to be exactly the case.

I ignored her and busied myself looking at a book of bizarre tattoos on her coffee table. She came over and sat next to me, almost on top of me. She didn't bother offering me a drink or anything, because she knew I wouldn't take one. We only ever came back to her place for one reason.

"So, what are you doing here?" she practically purred in my ear, as she pushed my hair back behind it.

"Oh, are we gonna play coy tonight?" I said—my tone was one of annoyance, not playfulness.

She pushed me back, crawled into my lap and straddled my thighs. "Had enough of the virgins for a while, and now you're back for the good stuff?" she chuckled and then nipped at my lower lip.

This kind of shit used to turn me on. I used to like her cockiness, her confidence, and her condescending attitude toward all other women. That coupled with her body and her...expertise...made a pretty lethal combo. But for some reason, tonight it was getting on my nerves. The way she kept mentioning Bella, or high school chicks or whatever, it made me feel like she was the furthest thing from confident—it made me feel like she needed some kind of reassurance—and I wasn't prepared to provide it. She was right that I was here to forget Bella, that I was here because of her...but not for the reasons she thought.

But when she leaned in to kiss me, I sure as hell didn't stop her. And fuck, Maria could kiss. It wasn't like kissing Bella at all, where I had to coax her to open up a bit, where the minute it got really intimate I'd feel her giggle against my lips, embarrassed by her arousal—by a completely natural reaction to making out. Maria's kisses were obscene. They were practically the same as fucking. She wasn't ashamed of anything she felt or anything that turned her on, and it showed in nearly everything she did. I liked that about her, or at least I did at one point, but now I missed that little bit of modesty.

I realized that I was thinking about everything way too much so I tried to bring myself back out of my head. I grabbed her hips and pulled her closer to me and started to work on the lacing at the front of her corset. I fumbled with it for a bit until it was mostly undone and then she pulled back and removed it the rest of the way, tossing it onto the couch next to us. Her sitting topless in front of me did sort of help take my mind off stuff. I reached out to cup her tits in my hands and tried not to think about how different they felt. They were nice as hell, heavy and full, like two giant stress toys or something, but I still couldn't seem to stop the compare and contrast in my head, wishing against my will that it was Bella on my lap instead.

I dropped my hands as hers moved down my chest to my belt buckle. She unbuckled it and then made quick work of my button and zipper, shoving her hand into hands into my pants with such zeal you'd have thought I had a wad of money stashed down there.

She leaned forward for another mouth-fucking, but that only lasted about three minutes before she was on her knees between my legs. I threw my head back against the couch and sighed, relieved that I could just do nothing but feel good for a little bit. I wondered if it would be rude to just get off from the head and then go to sleep. I was tempted not to care, until she really got into it and then suddenly I perked up.

A few minutes after that I was really starting to remember what all the fuss was about when it came to Maria, and I wrapped her ponytail around my hand and guided her movements for a little while before pulling her away from me.

"I appreciate what you're doing there, so much so that I think we ought to move on to something else."

She smirked and stood up. She leaned forward and braced her hands on my thighs. "I bet your Little Miss High School didn't give head like that, huh?"

I leaned back hard against the back of the couch and turned my face from her. "Jesus Christ, Maria."

She stood up and put her hands on her hips. "What? Usually you like what I have to say..."

"Just don't fucking say shit about her, okay? It's not a fucking turn-on. Can't we just fuck and not fucking talk about other people?" I knew I sounded like an idiot—like a fucking wimp or something—but if she kept bringing up Bella, I was never going to be able to do this. And I _had _to do this.

I brought my hand to my forehead and massaged my temple for a moment. Maria sat down next to me.

"Shit, what the hell happened to you?" she asked.

"What?" I dropped my hand and turned to look at her.

"Are you hung up on that girl?"

"Maria, all I said was that the dirty talk doesn't have to involve talking shit."

"Yeah, but you're just...I think you're hung up on that girl. And let me tell you, Jasper, I know what we've got is casual, and believe me, I like it that way...but shit, I'm not a rebound fuck, okay? This isn't Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Pussy. Don't come here just because you're trying to forget someone, because it ain't gonna work, and I really don't want you crying on me during sex."

I shook my head in disbelief. "That's the most fucking...crying? Fuck, I am not ever going to fucking cry. I can't believe you just said that. And I'm not here to fucking forget anything or anyone. Listen, Bella and I are finished and that's...it's...whatever, it's fine—but I just don't really get off on you talking badly about her, okay? She's a nice girl and she doesn't deserve to be fucking disparaged while you're blowing me." I pretty much lied about the whole not being here to forget part, but I figured if she didn't want this to happen, she could stop it. Otherwise, I was allowed to have whatever damn motivations I pleased.

"Okay, okay...sorry!" She held her hands out in front of her like I was some sort of unpredictable nutjob. "You never cared about that kind of talk before... I just didn't realize that this one had a name."

"Yeah, well she does and you might as well forget it, and her, right now, please."

She shook her head and pulled out her ponytail, shaking her long hair out. "I never thought I'd see the day..."

I exhaled loudly and turned my face away because I was afraid if I looked at her, I would slap her.

Suddenly, I felt her crawl on top of me again, and then she grabbed my face and turned it back to hers. "I'm sorry," she whispered, kissing my lips, and then my chin. "I didn't mean to be an asshole." She kissed her way down my neck to my chest, and then slid back on my thighs so she could move her mouth lower, to my stomach. "I was just talking...it wasn't...it was just..."

"Yeah, I know," I said, feeling bad for freaking out the way I did. She wasn't being any different than she always was—it was me who had changed, or at least who was in the fucking foul, overly sensitive mood. "Don't worry about it, okay?" I grabbed a lock of her hair and twisted it around my finger.

She tugged my t-shirt up and pulled it over my head. "No more talking," she said, as her lips met mine again.

I closed my eyes and let her take the lead again, and though everything _felt _good, I just couldn't seem to get comfortable. I felt like I was a stranger inside my own skin and this weird mood had permeated everything. Everything I did, everything done to me, every stray thought, they all seemed to be coated with that layer of dust, submerged in that slimy water.

But being the trooper that I am, I trudged forward, bravely. When we had both shed our clothes and when she had sufficiently made up for that boner massacre she committed earlier, I picked her up, pulled her legs around my waist and walked us into her bedroom. I kicked the door open and tossed her on the bed, climbing on top of her right after.

The sex was far from the best I'd ever had and I had to imagine Maria felt the same way, but I didn't really give a shit. I felt like I just needed to get through it. Like it was some kind of challenge. I didn't think quite as much while we were fucking, but my head certainly wasn't in the game. Eventually, I came and I was unsure of whether Maria did or not; she was noisy as shit but then, she's always noisy. I rolled off of her and caught my breath for a few minutes before getting up to piss and ditch the condom. When I came back, she was already busying herself, getting ready for bed.

"Your stuff is in the living room, remember?" she said as she drew her blankets back.

This did not feel like a success. I still felt like shit, I barely even felt like I just had sex, and I was dreading the thoughts of going back to my house. I ran my fingers through my hair and looked around.

"Listen, do you mind if I crash here tonight?"

She raised an eyebrow and I fucking knew she was going to give me shit, because I never slept over. "Really? Jesus, Jasper, what's going on with you?"

"I'm still pretty fucking drunk, Maria. I drank about eighty beers while I waited for your slow ass to finish work."

She looked me up and down and sighed. "Yeah, sure, you can stay."

I felt like an idiot, like a fucking charity case, but still I happily climbed into her bed because it was better than going home. I turned to my side and she turned to hers and at first, I actually tried to sleep, thinking maybe all the beer and sex and thinking today would have exhausted me. It didn't, and I lay awake for a long time after she fell asleep. I thought back over everything that had been fucking with my head this past week—the sex with Bella, the fight, the talk with Edward—and after tossing it all back and forth in my head for a while, some of that anger I had tapped into earlier came flooding back.

Again, I felt so fucking annoyed, because this wasn't me, because I felt like she fucked me up and now I couldn't even enjoy sex with Maria—which used to be a goddamned treat—but mostly because even though this whole thing was my fault, she was probably already, or if not, very soon going to be, doing the same fucking thing with Edward.

The jealousy burned through me and ignited my anger further. It made me sick to think of them together, and yet I couldn't stop. I thought about him kissing her at the dance, and then I thought about them alone together and I wondered if he would initiate or if she would. Both scenarios pissed me right the fuck off, and when I reminded myself that this was all a result of my fucking bitch-out on her, I just got angrier. The train of thought moved back and forth between imagining her and Edward and then thinking about her with me, and then all I was thinking about was fucking her and then the anger somehow empowered me and before I knew it I was up against Maria's back, pushing my hand between her legs.

She groaned and mumbled and then, after fully waking, she turned her head to me. "What's gotten into you?" Though her tone was slightly teasing, she shifted more onto her back and spread her legs for me.

"Booze is wearing off," I said, keeping my hand in place as I shifted on top of her.

I worked my fingers against her and after a few minutes she was writhing beneath me, her fingers clawing down my chest.

"Fuck, Jasper," she panted, "now that's more like it."

My mouth was everywhere on her as I yanked her leg up and hitched it around my waist. I didn't give much warning before I pushed into her, but I knew she was ready.

She cried out and dug her fingers into my neck and waist and I smiled to myself because _now_ I felt _awake. _I picked up the pace right away and Maria was already moaning and screaming my name. Jesus, she was loud—I wondered what the neighbors thought of her, and how many times a week they had to deal with this. When she was dating someone steadily, it must have been something to have to listen to her all the time.

I figured maybe it would be better to flip her over so she could bite a pillow or something, but when I did, she raised herself up on her hands and knees and then grabbed onto the rungs of her iron headboard. I gripped her hips tightly and resumed, the new position allowing me to move even faster. Finally, I hit the point I was looking for, where I became lost completely and where I actually felt at peace. I was relishing the calm of my mind when Maria got impossibly louder.

It sounded like moans and groans but as I drifted back from the fog, I realized she was talking to me.

"Jasper! Calm the fuck down....shit!"

I didn't know if I had been moving too fast or thrusting too hard because, by the time her words registered, I was moving slowly and she was panting, her head pressed into her arm.

"What the hell was that?" she breathed.

I pulled out of her and gently nudged her to turn around. She turned and lay on her back and I lay down on top of her again.

"Sorry...I thought you liked it like that. Did I hurt you?"

She reached between us to guide me back inside her. "You would have if you had kept going..." she said breathlessly, though she didn't sound angry. She seemed to have more to say, but I watched as her expression changed, as if she thought the better of it.

I began to move again but whatever spell I was under was broken, and I just felt like shit again—not only for all the shit that happened earlier this evening, but now for acting like a fucking maniac with Maria as well. But, I refocused as best I could, and this round sure as hell finished better than the one before. I was fairly certain Maria had gotten off and I was seconds away myself, when I leaned into her and pressed my lips against her ear.

"Do I need to pull out?" I asked.

"Nope, we're good," she panted.

At the last minute I did anyway because, shit, _that_ was one risk I was definitely not willing to take.

As soon as we were finished, I was completely spent. I rolled off her and collapsed into the pillow, praying that I could find sleep this time. I vaguely registered her getting up and going into the bathroom. A few minutes later she crawled back into bed and I felt her fingers brush over my hair.

"You're harshing my mellow, blondie," she whispered before turning back around. I barely had time to consider her words before I fell asleep.

. . .

I bolted from Maria's pretty early, and despite the fuckery of the night before, she still told me to call her and come back to the bar soon. Maybe I got a pass this once due to all the other times that I fucked her into oblivion—or maybe she just felt bad for me because clearly I had turned into a pathetic piece of shit.

Despite the bizarreness of the night before, I felt mildly better as I walked back to the bar, to my car. The sun was shining and I realized that things didn't have to be as complicated as I was making them. Everything was set now—Bella was with Edward, a kid who clearly cared about her, no matter how much it pissed me off to have to admit it, and I had stuck to my decision. Now, I was fully aware my decision sucked; it meant that I didn't get Bella and that dipshit, Edward, did, and it meant that I'd be immortalized as an asshole in her world. But, I knew that's how it had to be, and there was some simplicity in the fact that regardless of how shitty everything turned out, it had all settled into place. Now, really all I had to do is pull myself together and stop fucking worrying. Everything was...as it was. There was nothing left to think about.

I hopped in the car and drove over to Peter's place first, still not wanting to face my obnoxious family for a little while longer. He was surprised when I buzzed, but was smiling when he opened the door.

"Hey, you're up and about early." His smile faded a bit as he scanned me. "Didn't go home last night I guess?" He didn't mask the disappointment in his voice.

"No, no, I didn't," I said, breezing past him and making myself comfortable on the couch.

"So, did you manage to fuck all your worries away?" Peter asked, as he walked into the kitchen. He came back out a minute later with two mugs of coffee. He handed one to me and then sat down on the chair across from the couch.

"What's your problem with me and Maria, anyway? You jealous?"

He snorted and then frowned. "Well, maybe a little, but no—I just think you two are a little too much alike. There's no way you can be good for each other."

"I don't know about that," I said, taking a sip. "Sometimes that's a good thing, isn't it?"

"Not when the ways you are alike are all the bad ones."

I chuckled. "Me and Maria won't ever be like that, so don't worry. I just needed to take my mind off shit for a while, and seeing as I am now a single man, I figured why not indulge?"

He shook his head and didn't even laugh at my joke. "It's going to suck so bad when you realize what an idiot you're being."

"Hey, man, stop applying your rules to me. Since when are you so damn disappointed in me all the time?"

He shrugged. "You're right, whatever, I'm not your dad. I just know I'm gonna have to feel bad for you soon, and it pisses me off."

"So, my sister came home from the dance last night all snotty and sloppy because her boyfriend kissed Bella in front of everyone."

"What?" Peter said, shifting to the edge of his seat. I cringed at the mildly gay turn the conversation had taken but, fuck, it was shit worth discussing.

"Yep. I fucking knew it anyway, he's been sniffing around her since she started coming around my place. So, if it makes you feel better, your precious Bella now has a nice little boyfriend. It only took her about thirty seconds."

"Dude, you don't know the whole story. And anyway, you broke up with her, so what do you expect? I just can't believe he kissed her in front of Rosalie. That is fucked," he said, chuckling.

I shook my head. "See, this is exactly why I couldn't date her. We're talking about a damn high school dance. This is embarrassing."

"Did you go kick his ass? Did you pretend you were doing it for Rosalie?" Peter asked, ignoring my comment.

I laughed. "Nah, I mean, I went over there and talked to him. I wanted to kick his ass but that big buffoon, Emmett, was there, and anyway, he didn't give me enough of a reason to, the little shit."

Peter was shaking his damn head again. "You're a funny guy, Jasper. So protective of a girl that you could easily have. You over indulge in everything and then deprive yourself of the one thing you really want. I'd love to understand _why." _

I stood up and put the mug on the coffee table. "All right, here you go with the psychoanalysis bullshit. Peter, I just fucking can't date the girl, okay? She deserves better, and she should be with someone her own age. Isn't that enough?"

He held his hands up. "Okay, fine, I'll drop it. I just...I don't want you to let something good go because you're confused, that's all."

"I'm good, thanks," I responded matter-of-factly. I walked toward the door. "I'll see you later. Thanks for the coffee."

Peter nodded and walked me out. "Jasper, I know it pisses you off or whatever, but you know it's just 'cause I give a shit, right?"

I nodded, because I did know, even if it was fucking annoying.

. . .

I stopped at the pharmacy to pick up a few things, still stalling on going home. It was Saturday, which no doubt meant my father would be around all day to fuck my life up even more. I had no doubt Rosalie would also be completely intolerable today.

I walked to the shaving aisle to pick up razor blades and when I turned to head down the aisle, I groaned aloud at the sight of a familiar straw fedora accompanied by, at least a foot lower, a tiny head of black hair. I took a step back in the direction I came from, but it was too late; her head snapped in my direction and her eyes narrowed.

"You!" she shouted. James looked up and then over at me. "You are a bad man!"

James' friendly smile melted into a frown and he gripped Alice's shoulder. "Baby, just relax."

"Relax! You better go kick his ass!"

I couldn't help but roll my eyes, though I knew it wouldn't make me look like any less of an asshole. "Alice, just calm the fuck down."

She scowled and turned to James. "J, please tell Jasper that he is a bastard. Please tell him that I defended him to Angela the whole time, and he made me look like a damn idiot."

"I'm sorry, Alice." She was being really fucking annoying, but I actually meant it.

She huffed, and James squeezed her shoulder, while looking apologetically at me. "Jasper, I haven't seen you in a while. What's going on?"

"I assume Alice has been filling you in, right?" I asked. She snorted and turned her head.

"Yeah, but I've been trying to reach you. We should go for a beer soon." Alice shook her head and continued staring at the products on the shelf in front of her.

"Definitely. I'll call you when...I'll call you soon."

I hesitated for a moment, wondering if I should say something else to Alice, but I decided it wouldn't do me any good. I backed out of the aisle and then left the store without picking up what I needed.

It felt strange to see James like that, to have that distance between us and some girl making things awkward. I felt like shit because I realized if he was going to stay with Alice, that would seriously change our dynamic, and probably the frequency at which we saw each other. I wondered how the hell James ended up lapping me in the relationship department, and why he wasn't struggling with it more.

When I pulled into my driveway, I actually felt relieved. Since it appeared that all my friends would now be making me feel deficient every time I saw them, I looked forward to being alone and planned to go to bed right away and not get up again until sometime next week.

I walked into the house and decided to look for Rosalie, to get that necessary conversation over with. I stopped in the kitchen and listened to my mom prattle on about some bullshit for a few minutes before finding Rosalie watching TV in the living room.

"Cullen come here today?" I asked, sitting on the arm of the couch.

She looked up at me, eyes red and puffy. "He just left a little bit ago. Lot of good you did. Did you even end up going there?"

"Yes, I did. And I told him to fucking deal with his shit like a man, Rosalie. I didn't go there to threaten him to stay with you. You shouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you."

She shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Well, we don't have to worry about that anymore. Where did you go last night?"

"A bar, and then a friend's place."

She grimaced a bit but didn't respond. She continued to stare at the TV, and now I was too. I imagined we looked more alike than ever. Finally, my father wandered in, frowning as soon as he caught sight of me.

"Where were you last night?" he asked, twisting his class ring around his finger. He always did that when he was frustrated or angry and I never knew if it was a nervous habit, or an attempt to look intimidating.

"Out," I said, barely glancing at him before turning my attention back to the TV.

As I shifted to sit next to Rose on the couch, I could see him shaking his head. She was kind of in the middle of the couch but she slid over a bit and tossed me a pillow

I looked back up and the Rev was glaring at me, jaw clenched. It never ceased to amaze me how my mere presence in a room could piss him off so much.

He turned to Rosalie and his face softened a bit. "Angel, I've got to head over to the church to get some things done. Why don't you come with me? We can work on _Morning Has Broken_, and you can tell me about what happened with Edward today."

Rosalie's hands clenched tight around her pillow. "Daddy, I don't feel like going to church today. I just want to stay home. I practiced my hymn all week, and I already knew it well to begin with."

Rev tensed and frowned. "Rosalie, honey, I don't like you talking back to me. The Lord looks favorably on a strong work ethic. You're singing to him on Sunday and-"

Either due to another one of his ridiculous religious arguments, where he gets God to back him up on whatever the fuck he wants, or his incessant harping on Rosalie, I snapped. "She said she doesn't feel like it. She knows the damn song, just leave her the fuck alone."

His nostrils flared, and he turned to me and raised a finger. "You'll watch your language in this house, boy. You tell me what it's going to take to teach you some damn respect. I should throw you out on your butt, and I would if it weren't for your mother."

I rolled my eyes. "Just leave her alone. She's eighteen years old, she can make a damn decision for herself."

His face was beet red. He turned to Rosalie and then back to me. "I don't want to see your face when I come home this evening. I don't want to see it again until you learn to respect your elders, my home, and the Lord. I'm telling you boy, I know what you're doing. If you think I'm putting you on a plane to San Antonio so you can continue to blacken our name there, you are dead wrong. I'll have you on a bus to Timbuktu before I'll give you what you want."

I shrugged, because I knew that he was serious, and I also knew I didn't have the means to support myself, and so once again, my father and I were at an impasse.

He waited for a moment and when neither Rose nor I said anything, he turned and left the house, slamming the front door on his way out.

Rosalie flinched at the loud sound and then let out a sigh. "Jasper, why do you always get him so worked up?"

I stood up and headed towards the hall. "You're not at fucking church right now, are you? You're welcome," I muttered.

Just as I turned the corner to head up to my room I heard her mumble, "Thanks, Jasper."

* * *

**Also, for anyone I missed—the link to Edward's playlist for Bella is in my profile :)**

**Note: Do you really like SoaPM Peter? Do you wish Jasper could have a post-Bella HEA? Do you love slash? ElleCC wrote a pretty awesome VERY AU, VERY OOC piece of Soapy slash. Jasper/Peter, my friends. To some that may sound weird, but trust me—you gotta try it! Just remember...it's NOT happening in SoaPM, whether you like or it not! www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/5433104/1/The_Book_of_Peter**


	23. 2 Peter 3:17

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Legna989 fixes my mistakes. Then I go back and change a bunch of stuff, and sometimes I lose that document and then have to do all new changes that end up being different from the original changes. At this point, any mistakes left are totally my fault. She also picked the Bible quote this chapter, because my work considers religious websites to be the same as pornographic websites.**

**RedVelvetHeaven and ElleCC let me talk to them a lot about this story. One of them makes me cry a lot. (Hint: It's not Red)

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_"You therefore, beloved, knowing this beforehand, beware lest you be carried away with the error of lawless men and lose your own stability."_

_**2 Peter 3:17

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_**Bella Swan**_

The last term of the school year ended up being very, _very, _different from the ones preceding it. It was as if I had been sucked into a black hole, and then sucked into another after that. The whole time I was with Jasper, it was like I was in this one crazy parallel universe, and then transported immediately to another that night at the Junior-Senior dance. I tried hard to keep things balanced with Edward, so that nothing like what happened with Jasper would ever happen again, but it was hard. He was so enthusiastic, and I liked being with him so much, that I wondered what the purpose was of depriving myself.

Jasper never sought me out, never called, never so much as apologized. Alice had sort of hung out with him a couple times, against her will and at James' insistence, and after a while she did tell me that she was starting to believe James, that maybe Jasper really did feel bad about how he handled things, and that he thought what he did was for the best. I still wondered _for whom, _but in the end I just tried to let it all go. I didn't hold a grudge against Jasper, at least I tried not to, and just tried to get past my feelings for him and enjoy what was happening with Edward.

We took it very slowly, at my insistence, and Edward was pretty good about it. It wasn't that I didn't want more, but I was trying to be careful. I knew that Edward was different from Jasper, and I trusted him, but I promised myself—and my mother—that I would be a little more careful with my heart this time.

We were more than friends from the start, but not by much, and we kept it very much on the down low. Much like the first day we were at school after the J/S, we mostly just acted like friends, but every now and then we'd duck into an empty room and make out, or hold hands underneath the lunch table. Edward sat at our table now, and Eli floated between, having joint custody apparently. I think he wanted to sit with us all the time, but Carmen wouldn't allow it. Eli and I got along really well, and although I thought Carmen seemed like a really nice girl, she was a little guarded with me because of her loyalty to Rosalie. When we were around them and not under the watchful eye of Rosalie though, she was pretty cool to me.

Surprisingly, things were actually not as weird as I'd expected with Rosalie. The whole situation was far from _comfortable _still, but she basically pretended that Edward and I didn't exist. I was kind of okay with it, but I think sometimes it hurt Edward, if only because they were together for three years and so maybe it would have been nice to be able to be decent, but he knew that was unlikely given Rosalie's temperament and the nature of their breakup. Emmett, in some weird act of chivalry, went to Rosalie's place the day she and Edward broke up and asked her to her own prom. Apparently she was delighted, and after that, I guess they started talking more, and hanging out sometimes. Edward said he didn't think they were in any sort of relationship and he was so bewildered by it all that he didn't even really talk about it that much.

So, the first couple weeks after the dance Edward and I appeared to be just friends, and though I think most of the school knew that wasn't the case, they certainly couldn't say much about it. As prom approached, we sort of had to start thinking about where we wanted things to go, and how much we wanted people to know.

"It's going to be so weird," I said, throwing my leg over Edward's and burying my face under his arm. He flinched a bit, and I smirked, realizing he must be ticklish there.

"We don't have to go. I don't even want to go, to be honest," he said, softly drawing lines up and down my back.

"But it's your prom! You're probably going to be prom king."

"Exactly why I do_ not_ want to go," he shifted down and onto his side so he could face me. "Bella, I don't need the prom. I have no interest in dances and I feel like it'll just ruin it for Rosalie if I'm there. It was her thing, she can have it."

"But Rosalie will be with Emmett...and you don't have to take me, Edward. You can go with someone else, I won't mind."

"You're making this sound less and less appealing." He leaned forward and kissed the tip of my nose.

"I'm just saying, I know it would be beyond awkward with me there too. But you should go to your prom, Edward."

"What if I want to spend the evening with you?" He kissed my lips this time, his soft and lingering.

I sighed. "Fine, I just hope you don't regret it for the rest of your life."

"The only thing I would regret for the rest of my life is taking some random girl to my prom just to sit and eat and listen to bad music when I could be somewhere else, somewhere better, with you. I'll take you, if you'd like to go, but just so you know, my preference is to avoid the dance at all cost."

I looked down at his bedspread and nodded. "Oooookay, if you're sure."

He moved his hand to my chin and pushed it up. "Positive."

He kissed me again, and this time his lips moved against mine until I opened my mouth and felt his tongue trace gently along my lower lip. I closed my eyes and opened my mouth a little wider against his, waiting to feel his tongue press against mine.

Instead he pulled back and when I opened my eyes he was staring at me, his eyes and features colored with what seemed almost like apprehension.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Bella, I feel...weird...today."

"Huh?"

"I feel like...I feel like I can't just kiss you today. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's that tank top or the fact that you smell like Macintosh apples today or...I don't know, I just...I feel like I can't _just _kiss you today."

I felt my brows furrow and I pushed a few fingers into his hair. "Edward, what do you mean?"

"I mean that I should stop kissing you or else I am going to want to do so much more than kiss you, and it's going to drive me crazy but I don't want to push you. And I shouldn't have even said anything because even saying it is like pushing you. I just..."

I cut him off with my lips and my tongue. He was stiff for a moment but slowly his arm moved around my waist and he pulled me closer. After a few minutes he shifted, his mouth still on mine, so that I was on my back and he was partially on top of me.

My heart began to race, because I felt it too. We'd done lots of kissing in the past few weeks, but we'd always both been good at keeping it at that, or dialing it down a bit if need be. Today, though, I understood what he meant—it felt as if I couldn't have stopped it, even if I'd wanted to. His hand slid from the side of my waist to my ribcage where it lingered for a long time. Just as my lips started to ache from all the kissing, it moved up just a few inches and he exhaled into my mouth as he squeezed.

"Edward." His name just escaped my lips without me really intending to say it. I could feel goose bumps break out everywhere beneath his hand, and I immediately wanted to tear away the layers of clothing between us. My mind briefly brought forth a montage of shirtless Edward images I had stored there, and I realized that we had spent far too much time together fully clothed.

He kissed along my jaw and stopped at my ear. "Do you want me to stop, Bella?" His voice came in a breathy whisper that did crazy things to my skin. I wanted to laugh at the extent to which I wanted him to do the very opposite.

"No," I whispered, squeezing his bicep. He buried his face in my neck, kissing me softly, occasionally gently sucking at the skin beneath my jaw. His hand moved across my chest to my other breast and I was worried that he could feel how hard my heart was beating.

His mouth moved back to mine and we kissed for a few moments before he jumped up abruptly and climbed off the bed. He walked over to the door and locked it and then flipped on the stereo. Even though I spent a lot of time at his house, it still threw me for a loop that his parents didn't mind us being in his room with the door shut and locked. Edward told me that his parents were not stupid and that since his father was a doctor, he had more in-depth and clinical safe sex lectures, at an earlier age, than anyone he knew. That, coupled with the fact that Emmett _more_ than broke his parents in first, meant that they didn't care what Edward did, as long as he was safe, responsible, and not out getting into trouble.

He climbed back over me, to the side of the bed he was occupying before, and immediately resumed kissing me. His hand slowly moved back to where it was before and then lingered there for a long time. As we kissed, he moved closer and closer until he was half on top of me. I could feel how hard he was against my leg, and I knew that his stationary hands were more because he was trying to be a gentleman than because of a lack of interest in exploring further. The thing was, I wanted him to keep going, and I didn't want him to ask permission every step of the way.

I moved my hand over his and squeezed it and he groaned into my mouth. I ran my fingers over his scalp with the other hand, as I pushed the hand on my breast down to the hem of my tank top. As soon as he felt me push his hand beneath the hem, over my bare stomach, he took the lead, moving it quickly back over my breast. Our kissing intensified as I felt his hand push beneath my bra. I whimpered as his fingers found my nipple and every inch of my skin started to burn, craving his attention.

I was mildly concerned because I didn't know how far he planned to go, but it hadn't been my intention to sleep with him today, and now I was worried if he tried, I wouldn't want to, or be able to, stop.

"Bella, God, I feel like I've been waiting forever to touch you like this," he whispered in my ear as he bit at the lobe.

I snickered. "I think we both know that it hasn't been as long as I've been waiting."

He groaned and pushed his hips into me. "Fuck, I hate myself sometimes." He kissed softly along my jaw back to my lips. "I'm sorry, I really am," he whispered before kissing me.

"Don't apologize, Edward," I murmured before pushing my tongue into his mouth to prevent him from apologizing again.

I felt his hand slide back down my stomach and then he pulled it from my shirt before grabbing the hem and yanking it up. He quickly pulled it over my head and tossed it on the floor before moving his hand beneath me to unclasp my bra. With my help we finally got that off and tossed it to the floor. I was surprised to find that it didn't really bother me to be half naked in front of Edward. A few months ago, I would have probably died at the mere suggestion, but Jasper always reacted favorably to me being shirtless, and Edward was reacting very favorably right now, so I figured I didn't really have anything to be embarrassed about.

Edward's gaze traveled over my body for a moment before he leaned back into me, his mouth near my ear. "You're so beautiful, I can't stand it."

Of course, a little bit of the old Bella came traipsing back into the front of my mind, as I remembered the girl he _used _to date. I was okay with him seeing my boobs, but as I imagined the comparison that might be going on in his mind, I cringed. Rosalie looked like she could be on the cover of _Maxim_, so how could he possibly find my body as exciting? But instead of getting myself all worked up over it, I reminded myself that I was here and Rosalie wasn't. He chose me, and I figured I should just take the compliment and not ruin the moment.

I grabbed his hand from my ribcage and moved it back over my breast and he groaned loudly and ran his tongue along the shell of my ear. The feeling sent shivers down my spine and when I moaned, he quickly shifted so that he was on top of me. It felt like most of his weight was pressing into my hips and I moaned again at the pleasurable pressure.

His hands were all over me after that as our kissing got wetter, sloppier, and generally more fun. When his lips moved to my neck and I was able to come up for air, I realized that we were grinding against each other pretty furiously and I started to worry again that neither of us would be able to be the voice of reason. I was about to say something when I felt his tongue and lips drag down my chest from my collarbone to my nipple. I moaned all long and low and embarrassing as he sucked me into his mouth, and both my hands flew to his head. I twisted my fingers into his hair and pushed his head against my chest as my hips lifted to press hard against his.

"Edward, oh God, oh God..." I choked as his mouth dragged across to the other side. I felt like I might pull clumps of his hair right out of his skull. He shifted a bit so that my thigh was between his legs. As he grinded against my leg, his thigh pressed into me in a way that made me feel desperate and half mad...in a _really_ good way.

I tugged his hair until he lifted his head and brought it back to my mouth. We kissed so hard that our teeth clacked together and my lips started to ache after a few minutes. I pulled away for a second when I felt his knee jerk forward, pushing his thigh hard into me. "Oh, shit...oh God...Edward, we can't have sex today," I moaned, my actions not really conveying my conviction to the whole abstinence thing.

I was prepared to back myself up, explaining that I still wanted to take it slow, to give our relationship the respect it deserved, to make sure we were doing it for the right reasons, and to make good my promise to Renee to make an attempt to be more responsible this time, but ended up not needing to say anything.

"I know," came his breathy whisper against my jaw. "We don't have to."

"Okay, good," I mumbled against his lips as I pulled his shirt up and over his head, breaking our kiss for just a brief moment. As I dragged my fingernails down his chest, the speed of his thrust increased and then his knee hit me in a spot that made me cry out and buck hard against him. I kept moving against him, making sure he kept putting pressure in the same spot until I felt that tingly feeling in my toes that I had felt many times before, with Jasper. I was moaning over and over and I didn't even give a shit, I just kept pushing against him harder and harder which in turn made him thrust harder against me. I threw one leg over the side of the bed and curled my toes around the frame. His hands moved beneath the hem my shorts and into my panties, and it took me by surprise, the skillful way he moved his long fingers. I lost it about thirty seconds later and he brought his mouth to mine to muffle my moaning as my hips continued to move against his hand. After a moment or two, I calmed down a bit and my hips slowed and then came back to rest fully on the mattress.

He was panting heavily as he groaned in my ear. "Fuck, fuck...Bella...Oh my God...You feel...fuck..."

I sympathized, because I was pretty sure I was incapable of forming a coherent sentence as well.

As soon as I caught my breath and calmed down, I brought my hands to his chest and pushed him off me and onto his back. I leaned over him as he had done with me before and ran my hand slowly down his chest to his abdomen as we kissed. His hand moved blindly over my neck and shoulders until it found one of my breasts. I moved my hand back and forth over his abdomen and then down to the waistband of his jeans. I quickly undid the button and then he groaned when he felt me drag the zipper down. The groan changed to a hiss when my hand slid over his boxers, over his erection, and then his hips jerked hard when I pushed my hand into the fly of his boxers and wrapped it around him.

I began to stroke and immediately his hips began to move against my hand. He pulled his mouth from mine and moaned quietly, over and over, as I stroked him. The faster my hand moved the more he flinched and bucked against me and I smiled as I surveyed his face. He seemed completely consumed and I liked that I could make him feel good like that. I allowed myself, just once, to think, "Oh my God, I am jerking off Edward Cullen," before reining myself in. He wasn't really _Edward Cullen _anymore—just Edward, maybe even _my _Edward—but every now and then I liked to step back into my old self and revel, for just a moment, in this new reality, which once felt like such a far-fetched and impossible fantasy.

I quickly brought myself back down to earth and focused myself fully on what I was doing to him. He was moaning my name, occasionally remembering to pull my face to his for a kiss, but as I kept moving my hand, he'd eventually drop the kiss to groan, his head arching back or lolling away from me.

"Fuck...Bella, I'm going to come. If you keep going, I'm going to come," he ground out, running his hand back through his hair before grabbing a handful of it and tugging it forward. I smiled and watched him, because I loved the way he looked at that moment—as if he was coming completely undone.

"Okay," I whispered, before running my tongue along his ear. I kept going, my pace already pretty fast, and a few seconds later he groaned, long and low, and jerked his hips forward. I stopped moving my hand and when he shifted, I felt wet fabric brush against the back of it.

I removed my hand from his boxers and brought it back up to his stomach. He caught his breath for a moment before grabbing the back of my head and pulling me into a kiss.

"Thanks," he whispered, smiling against my lips.

"No prob." I chuckled, pecking him. "Thank you."

He nuzzled his nose against mine and kissed me once more before pulling back. "Still want to go the movie?"

"Yeah," I said. "You?"

"Yeah," he responded, sitting up a little bit. "We should probably leave soon, it starts in forty minutes. I just have to get changed." He laughed and nodded towards his pants.

"Might be a good idea," I said, laughing as I sat up. I reached for my bra and I felt his hands on my shoulder, sliding down my arms. He kissed the back of my head and then my shoulder before climbing off the bed.

He grabbed new jeans and boxers, and then when I was fully dressed, he left to go to the bathroom. He came back in a few minutes later and tossed the clothes in his hand into his hamper. I went to the bathroom to wash my hands and fix myself up a bit, and when I opened the door, he was standing on the other side, smiling. He had a serious case of bed-head, and I almost said something to him, but then changed my mind because I loved his hair like that. He extended his hand and I took it, lacing my fingers through his.

He tightened his grip a little and smiled, leading me to the stairs. "C'mon, let's go."

. . .

All I had left on of my uniform was the skirt and the short-sleeved button down. I had even taken off my knee socks and replaced my shoes with flip-flops and still I felt like I was going to melt. Welcome to Phoenix in May. Angela, Alice, Carmen and I sat on the bleachers, watching Edward and Eli and the rest of the soccer team practice.

Alice was fanning herself furiously with a folder and all it seemed to be doing was blow warm air all over both of us. "You're probably just making yourself hotter expending all the energy to flap that thing in front of your face." I snatched the folder and put it down on the bleacher seat below us.

"Ugh, I need one of those little fan thingies they give you at baseball games and stuff," she said, taking a swig from her water bottle. "And a beer hat that I can put water bottles in."

Carmen chuckled, eyes still focused on her phone, which she had been texting on all through practice.

When practice was over, both Edward and Eli jogged over. Carmen squealed as Eli practically tackled her.

"Gross, you're disgusting," she whined, though she didn't put up much of a fight.

Edward smiled at me and then turned to say hi to Angela and Alice. He peeled his shirt off and tried to use it to wipe his face, but it didn't appear to help much. Still, none of us commented; at the very least, it provided a better view.

I stood up and he smiled a little sheepishly. "I'm a little gross, maybe I'll kiss you after my shower."

"I don't mind," I said. I moved closer and when he placed his hands on my hips, I stepped into his arms.

He leaned into kiss me and his face was hot and really wet, even his lips, and when I felt a droplet of sweat fall onto my nose, I backed away.

"Never mind, you are pretty gross. And you smell like a dead fish or something."

He laughed and shook his head. "Like I said, I'll go take a quick shower. I'll meet you out front in twenty minutes."

I nodded and he pulled Eli off of Carmen and yanked him toward the gym.

The four of us walked around to the front of the building and then decided to wait inside where it was air-conditioned. Twenty-five minutes later, Edward and Eli came walking down the hall. This time Edward grabbed me immediately and pulled me to him. We kissed and then as I tried to pull back he leaned forward, deepening it. This time he smelled clean like bar soap, his skin damp and cool. After a minute, Alice coughed and then cleared her throat.

"I liked it better when they were pretending they weren't dating," I heard her say.

I pulled away and smacked her. "Shut up, I've had to witness my fair share of you and James."

"I know but we're so much fun to watch, aren't we?" She laughed and batted her eyelashes.

I rolled my eyes and followed Edward as he tugged me out the door and toward the parking lot.

"Hey, are you guys going to the Spring Fair at ASU?" Alice called behind us as we climbed the steps to the parking lot.

Edward turned to me and shrugged. "Are we?"

"I don't know, I forgot about that. Might be fun," I replied.

"Well James says he hates everyone at school and he thinks it's lame and won't go, so I want to go and you guys should too, so I have someone to go with."

"Yeah, Ben and I are definitely going. Ben's brother goes there, too," Angela added.

"Emmett will probably go, too, he's got lots of friends at ASU," Edward said as he opened the passenger door for me.

I leaned against the inside of the door. "Well, it looks like we should go then!" I had been secretly apprehensive about Jasper being at the fair, but I felt better knowing James wouldn't be going, and it certainly didn't seem like Jasper's thing anyway.

We all made plans to go to 5 and Diner and then got into our separate cars to head over.

When we were on the road, Edward reached over and squeezed my knee. "You're quiet."

I turned to him and smiled. "I'm just...sitting here."

"You want to go to that fair, right?" he asked.

I shifted, a little nervous about where the conversation was going. "Yeah, I think it'll be fun!"

"Are you nervous that you'll see Jasper there, since he goes there?"

I sighed and decided to just be upfront. "A little."

He squeezed my knee again. "Don't worry, he probably won't be. And if he is, well, it'll be awkward, but probably not as bad as you think. Hey, you have to see Rosalie all the time, and it's not as bad as we thought it would be."

"Yeah, but I don't care about Rosalie," I said, realizing instantly how wrong that came out.

Edward's hand moved back to the gearshift. "Right, but you care about Jasper."

I put my hand over his. "I don't mean it like that, I just meant...well obviously it's different with me and Jasper. Things ended on such a weird, bad note and I haven't seen him at all. I just don't even want to deal with it. I guess we see Rosalie so much that it just feels different—even though it's probably the same for you."

He nodded but I knew he was still thinking about it. "Well, of course we don't have to go—but I don't think he'll even be there."

I shook my head. "No, I want to go. I'm not worried about it."

He turned and smiled and then returned his hand to my knee.

. . .

Alice, Angela, and Jess were all at my house the evening of the fair, getting ready. We planned to ride together, in Edward's car, and then meet Eli, Carmen, and Ben there. I stood in front of the mirror, smoothing the fluffy, white cotton skirt I had on. Alice tossed me the pink tank top I had laid out and I pulled it on over my head.

"Edward's gonna be here soon, is everyone pretty much ready?"

All three girls mumbled in agreement, each putting on some form of finishing touch on their makeup.

When Edward pulled up a few minutes later, we all bounded down the stairs and out the door as he was walking up the lawn. I vaguely heard Renee call after us to be good.

"Hey." Edward smiled as we met in the middle of the lawn. He looked me up and down and his smile widened. He grabbed my hips and pulled me to him. "You look awesome," he whispered before kissing me.

I stepped back and looked him over as he did me. He was wearing a pair of jeans and a snug band t-shirt. Simple, but he always looked good. I mussed his hair and kissed him again. "So do you."

He greeted the rest of the girls and led us to the car. When he got to his side he looked at all of us and laughed. "I feel like a pimp."

Jess snorted. "You wish, pal." I was tempted to make a snarky comment about how _she wished, _but I resisted.

When we got to the school there were already tons of people there, and we had to park really far from the area near the sports fields, where the fair was taking place. We met Eli, Carmen and Ben there. We headed straight to the main booth to buy tickets, and Edward bought a ton of them and offered some to everyone.

We stayed together as we walked through the fair once and then we all scattered and regrouped randomly, everyone wanting to try different rides at different times. We all did the bumper cars together, and at first I insisted on driving my own—but when Alice backed me into a corner and rammed me relentlessly, I bailed from my car and hopped into Edward's.

After the rides we played a few games. Edward won me this weird little fake aquarium, playing some basketball game, and then I won him a giant stuffed panda at the Target Practice game. After some persistent teasing from Eli and Ben, Edward dropped about fifty tickets on various games until he managed to win me a huge stuffed elephant.

As cute as it was, lugging the stuffed animals around was super annoying, so I made him and Eli walk them back to the car with all the little stuff Edward won, while trying to win the big one.

We were sitting by the bumper cars waiting for them to come back when Carmen's phone rang. She answered and then got up and wandered away from us while she was talking. When she came back she sat down next to me.

"Rosalie is here. She's hanging out with Vic and Emmett and his friends. Eli and I are probably gonna go hang out with them for a bit," she said, stuffing her phone back in her purse.

"All right," I said, "we'll be around, if you want to hook back up. Just call Edward's cell."

She nodded and then turned to me. "I hope you don't think we're rude. It's just...we were friends with Rosalie even before Edward. We really like hanging out with you guys, but we're trying not to choose sides, you know?"

I understood from the beginning that Carmen and Eli were friends with Edward and Rosalie as a couple, and that it must have been awkward for them when they split. I knew that I was the _new girl _and I totally understood that it wasn't easy for Carmen to warm up to me, but I had to admit that it felt pretty good to hear her say that.

"No, I totally get it. Edward would never expect you to choose," I responded, smiling.

"I know she was kind of a bitch to you, I'm not stupid. It's mostly because she felt threatened. Rosalie's like that, you know? I mean, I just know her differently. I hope you don't think that I am like her."

I shook my head. "Nope, never. I try not to worry too much about how Rosalie is. I know we're never going to be friends, and I know it's probably really weird for her to see Edward and me together." I really didn't blame Rosalie for not liking me _now_, but that still didn't explain why she was so rude to me when I was with Jasper. Still, I would never badmouth her to one of her friends.

I looked up to see Edward and Eli walking back toward us. Carmen smiled at me and then got up and sprinted over to Eli. She, Eli, and Edward spoke for a moment and then she and Eli turned and waved to us and walked off in the opposite direction.

"Rose is here, they are gonna go hang with her for a bit," Edward said as he approached.

"Yep, Carmen jus told me." He grabbed my hand and pulled me up. Ben and Angela got up and followed us as Alice and Jess returned from playing a game.

A half an hour or so later, Alec texted Jess, so she excused herself to go meet him. After we said bye to Jess, Alice turned to me and frowned.

"This blows. Now I'm the fifth wheel. I am going to kick James' ass." She pouted.

Edward pointed straight ahead. "Would some cotton candy make you feel better?"

Alice and I both smiled brightly at him and nodded vigorously. He went up to the stand and returned a minute later with three pink and blue puffs on paper cones. He handed them to Angela, Alice, and me.

He turned to Ben. "Sorry dude, if you want one you'll have to get it yourself." Ben laughed and shook his head.

"I love this stuff but I am gonna get so sick," Alice said, shoving a huge chunk of it into her mouth.

"Once when I was a kid my dad took me to a fair and I kept asking for cotton candy all night and he kept buying it for me. Since we didn't see each other much, he usually bought me everything I wanted. So anyway, I ate so much cotton candy that I threw up like pure pink syrup."

Edward laughed and then scrunched his face. "That's so gross."

"Yeah, but what's weird is it actually smelled kinda good—it just smelled like sugar."

Everyone laughed, and with a mouth full of the fluff, Alice said, "Ugh, don't make me choke!"

Edward grabbed my wrist and held it as he leaned forward to take a bite of the cotton candy. He pulled off a big bite of it and then used his thumb to stuff it in his mouth. I piece of it remained on his lip and it quickly melted back into syrup. I leaned forward and licked it off and before I could pull away, Edward grabbed my chin and kissed me.

At first, I let my hand holding the cotton candy fall to my side as we kissed and then I slid my arm around his waist, wishing I could just drop the stupid stick. I was about to offer it to Alice or Ben, when Alice spoke.

"Look! It's James!" she squealed.

She clapped her hands and I pulled away from Edward to follow her gaze. James was standing against a fence in front of the Tilt-A-Whirl, mowing on a plate of funnel cake. Peter was standing on one side of him, and my heart jumped in my throat as I caught sight of Jasper, on the other side of him, sitting up on the fence. His head was thrown back, a silver flask at his lips and a cigarette between his fingers. My heart started pounding and when I turned back to Alice she had an apologetic look on her face.

"Bella, he told me he wasn't coming!" she said, looking just as sick as I felt.

Edward laced his fingers through mine and gripped tightly. We kept walking toward them and while I really wanted to stop, maybe even turn and run, when Alice called his name it brought James' attention to us, and I felt like we just had to keep going.

I swear to God, everything moved in slow motion from the point when Jasper lowered his flask and turned his head to see Alice walking up to James. He looked at her for a second before he caught sight of me. His face was soft for a moment, and he was almost smiling, until his gaze traveled to Edward. Instantly, his expression hardened. I had no idea where to look or what to do, so I just looked down at my shoes and wished one or all of us would disappear.

I wasn't even listening to what was happening around me, just the sound of my heart pounding in my ear, when James brought me out of it.

"Hey, Bella," he said, his voice accurately conveying the awkwardness of the moment.

"Hi, James," I all but whispered, barely looking up enough to make eye contact. My eyes darted to Jasper, who was staring at me. I didn't look at him long enough to properly gauge his expression.

"You said you weren't coming, ass. What the hell are you doing here eating cake?" Alice asked, hands on her hips.

"I wanted funnel cake, so I made them come! I sent you a text!" James responded, dropping his fork in his plate.

Alice rolled her eyes and started to counter him as she pulled her phone from her pocket. When she looked at the screen, she frowned. "Oh. You did."

I felt my cheeks burning and I was annoyed at my response to seeing Jasper for the first time. I knew it was something I wanted to avoid, but I had no idea I would react like this. My palm began to sweat in Edward's and I was worried that he would pick up on my ridiculous reaction as well.

He shifted next to me and it felt like everyone at the entire fair had shut up and turned to watch our little group. I saw Jasper's cigarette fly out in front of him and land a few feet away from us, still burning. A second later, he hopped off the fence.

"I'll catch up with you guys later," he said stiffly, and turned to walk away from us, his hand stuffing the flask into the back pocket of his jeans.

I looked back at Peter and James. Peter frowned and moved to follow Jasper. He looked at me apologetically. "It was nice seeing you, Bella," he said, before jogging to catch up to him.

James frowned. "Whoops. Did I do that?" he asked, scrunching his face in mock-pain.

Alice lunged forward and smacked his arm, knocking the funnel cake off his plate and onto the ground.

"Damnit, Alice!" he whined. "I wasn't even half finished!"

She looked down and then back up at him. "Sorry, baby. I'll buy you a new one. But you're an ass."

He frowned for a second and then leaned down to kiss her. He straightened out and shrugged at me. "Sorry, Bella. I did send a text though. I just wanted some funnel cake!"

As awkward and horrible as that little run-in was, I felt instantly better now that Jasper wasn't sitting there staring at me. "Don't worry, it was bound to happen I guess."

"Do you guys wanna walk around some more together?" Alice asked.

I turned to Edward, "I think I'm kind of tired. Do you mind if we go?"

Edward nodded and moved his hand to the back of my neck. "Yeah, sure."

Alice frowned and walked back over to me. "I'm sorry, guys, I probably shouldn't have said his name so loud! I got excited! Ugh, I'm sorry!"

I laughed. "It's okay, Ali. I'm glad he came. Are you okay to go home with him?"

She turned to James and he nodded.

I quickly hugged her. "Okay, have fun. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

She nodded but was still sort of frowning. I waved goodbye to James and then nodded to Edward. He moved his hand back down my arm and grabbed mine and we walked back to the car in relative silence.

"Hey," he started, as we approached the car, "I kind of thought of something to do about prom. Or I should say, something we could do instead of going to prom."

"Oh yeah?" I asked, still feeling a little distracted. The last thing I wanted to think about was the whole prom mess.

"Yeah. No prom. We're doing something else. That okay?" he asked, smiling brightly, but like he had a secret.

I smiled, his enthusiasm contagious. "Sure, it's your prom. If you want to do something else, I'm game. Can you tell me what we're doing?"

He shook his head. "No way, and don't ask about it again—I am like a vault—you're never going to find out."

I laughed and rested my head against his arm as we walked. "Okay, but you should know; I hate surprises."

"Too bad. It's my prom." He smirked.

When we got to the car I turned to him, before getting in. "Listen, I'm sorry I was weird back there. That was just...it was probably even more awkward than I expected."

He chuckled humorlessly. "Yeah, tell me about it. He practically murdered me with his eyes."

I frowned and brought my hand to his cheek. "I'm really sorry, I just have no idea how to act."

He leaned in and kissed my nose and then grabbed my hand and kissed that. "Don't apologize, it's not your fault. He wasn't exactly diplomatic."

"I'd maybe understand if he wasn't the one who broke up with me. I'm just not sure what the hell his problem his."

Edward smiled a little and ran his thumb over my lip. "Maybe he's pissed because he regrets his decision, and now it's too late."

"Huh," I laughed weakly, unsure of how to respond.

Edward's hand moved up jaw and into my hair. "Is it too late, Bella?"

I was a little taken aback by the question, but I understood why he felt insecure. Especially given how I just acted at the sight of Jasper. His eyes bore into mine and I hated seeing the insecurity in his face. I felt fairly certain that I reacted the way I did because of the abrupt way things ended between Jasper and I. It was just awkward because I had no idea where we stood, and it was strange going from everything being completely fine—from being happy with Jasper—to not even being able to even look him in the eye. I felt like he pulled the rug out from under me that day at his house, and seeing him again just brought back all those bad feelings. But despite how strange I felt after running into Jasper, I really didn't want Edward to read into it too much. I needed him to know that he was not just some placeholder or rebound guy, and that I wanted _him_, regardless of the circumstances.

I smiled and placed my hand on his neck. I ran my thumb along his jaw and nodded. "Yeah, it is."


	24. Psalm 16:9

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, no copyright infringement is intended.**

**Thank you to Legna989 for fixing my embarrassing comma/apostrophe issues AND for teaching me about the desert and the Arizona climate. **

**Thanks to ElleCC and RedVelvetHeaven for being trusted confidantes (aka listening to me babble).

* * *

**

_"Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure."_

_**Psalm 16:9

* * *

**_

_**Edward Cullen**_

"So, they're definitely gone for a while right?" I asked as I pulled Bella's t-shirt over her head. Her stepdad had an out of town baseball game and her mom had joined him, and while I knew she wouldn't let this happen if there was a chance they would be back, this was the first time we had fooled around at her house and I felt like I had to be sure.

"Yeah," she replied, kissing me as soon as her head re-appeared from beneath the fabric. I tossed it away from us and moved both hands to her chest. The chill that rippled through me when I touched her skin made me tense up momentarily. The feel of her was still overwhelming, even though I'd had the opportunity to explore a little more recently, and I wondered if that feeling would ever go away.

In the weeks since the dance we'd become a lot more comfortable with each other and the more time we spent together, the more quickly things progressed. We still hadn't slept together but it was getting to a point where it was on my mind nearly 24-7. The more I saw of her, the more I wanted her. Just in the past week or so, I had seen more of Bella than ever before and the anticipation was starting to become painful. We weren't really waiting for any particular reason, or at least I didn't think so, as we had never really openly discussed it. We were taking our time, given the dodgy way our relationship began, and though I never really talked about it, I kind of wanted our first time together to be something special—something that would set the tone for our relationship and maybe erase some of the bullshit from early on.

I suppose in the beginning I was a little worried about where things stood with us. I wondered if she was fully over Jasper, or if she'd have a change of heart, if he did. I had faith that we had something good and knowing that she had liked me for a long time had given me a bit of false confidence at first, but when we ran into Jasper at the fair, all my fears came to a head. She looked like a deer in headlights and the way they looked at each other kind of made my skin crawl. After he bolted she was totally distracted, and finally I realized that I needed to just come out and ask the question. I was confident about how I felt about her but I needed to be sure we were on the same page.

When she assured me that things with Jasper were really and truly over, I felt mostly better, and tried to push away the last tendrils of doubt that lingered in my mind. I didn't need her to completely commit herself to me; we both had just gotten out of relationships and I was starting to realize that things with Jasper and her were a lot more serious than I first suspected, and maybe than even she realized. All I wanted to hear was that if he did have a change of heart, she wouldn't just bail on me. Maybe it was a little pathetic to need that kind of reassurance, but I needed to get rid of that sort of worry if things were going to progress with us.

Hearing her say it was nice, but she was still a little distracted on the ride home. I pulled up in front of her house and we talked for a little bit about nothing of consequence before finally making our way back to that conversation. Surprisingly her resolve only seemed to strengthen on the ride home and when she climbed into the driver's seat, and into my lap, to finish the conversation, there was a new intensity between us.

"I'm here," she whispered as she kissed along my jaw to my lips. "I promise. I'm here, I'm not going anywhere."

And that was all I needed to hear to push the whole thing from my mind for good. From that point on, I didn't need her words—I could feel it. I could tell she was mine, even when she didn't say it.

After that, we couldn't hide it anymore. I never took my hands off her at school, we rode in together, and she came to my games and practices. When people really started to talk about us, and when we really didn't hide it, Rosalie somewhat reverted back to the dirty looks and general scowling, but it still wasn't as bad as I had feared and I knew that Emmett had talked to her about keeping herself in check.

I kept asking Emmett what was going on between them and every time he just shrugged and semi-dodged the question. As much as I didn't really want to know anything, I finally came out and asked him the other day if they were hooking up, to which he quickly, and seemingly genuinely responded, "Nope."

It didn't compute. Emmett had talked about how hot she was practically since we started dating and they barely contained their flirting and now she was free and they were hanging out and I just couldn't figure out why the fuck he wouldn't try anything. God knows Rosalie would probably have been more than open to it.

I pressed and finally Em broke down a bit. "She just broke up with my fucking brother, okay dude? Don't you think maybe that's a little weird? At the very least I need to let that shit cool off. And besides, it's not like that."

"So you're just friends?"

"Yeah, we hang out sometimes. I'm taking her to her prom because you are a dick and I felt bad for her."

"But, Em, how can you hang out with her? I mean she's just...she's awful."

"This coming from the guy who dated her practically his whole high school career."

"Yeah, but first of all, she wasn't always like that, and second of all...I realize that I was being an idiot and a fucking wimp, okay? But she showed her true colors right before we broke up and...I just don't get it."

He took a deep breath, paused his game and tossed the controller on the coffee table. "You ever think maybe that had something to do with you? Maybe you guys just sucked together. She's all right you know, at least when she's hanging with me and my friends. I mean yeah, she's a flirt and she knows she's hot, but she's funny too."

I shook my head in disbelief and wondered if we were talking about the same person.

"You were fucking in outer space when you dated her, Edward. No offense, but you were a dick. Walking around here with your fucking holier-than-thou attitude acting like everyone in this house was fucking beneath you. I don't know what you guys were really like together but all I ever saw was her telling you what to do and when to do it and who to do it with and you acting so fucking put out by it all, while totally complying. And it struck me, recently, that maybe Rosalie needs someone who doesn't let her do that shit—or someone who doesn't make her feel like she has to. Maybe she was just fucking exhausted and cranky from dealing with your ass all the time."

I raised an eyebrow. "Jesus Christ, Emmett, have you been holding that in forever or something?"

"No, I'm an observant fucker. If you were, you would know that, but you're not. Fuck, Bella liked you for fucking thirty years and you had no idea who she was. God help her."

"Okay, I admit that was fucking shitty of me. I admit that I didn't care about shit for a long time, but I am not gonna concede with the Rosalie shit. Especially not after how she was to Bella."

"Oh what the fuck do you expect? She was fucking jealous. You spent years being a shitty boyfriend and then all of a sudden you pop some massive boner for this other chick and you're being fucking obvious about it. And yeah, Rosalie's a damn princess so she couldn't handle it and had to break out the bitch tactics. Fuck, Edward, I fucking suck with women and even I get this shit...it's not rocket science."

I sat in silence for a minute because Emmett is starting to make sense and that made me worried that there was something wrong with me. We'd never talked about girls or relationships like this and his little observations were kind of blowing my mind.

"So, then she should be happy now, that she's free to be with someone that isn't a total cock."

"Right, but it's not that easy. Takes time and shit, and that's where Emmett comes in. Shoulder to cry on, baby."

He winked and I sneered back because it was still fucking weird talking about him laying game with my ex-girlfriend.

"Don't be a bitch, you've got your little soul mate now, don't worry about Rosalie and me."

I still wanted to ask him why he was taking his time, because I'm sure Rosalie wouldn't turn him down, but honestly the conversation was just too weird for me, so I decided to just drop it and try my best to ignore whatever happened between the two of them. The realization that if they dated, she would likely be right back in my life, in some capacity, is enough to make me queasy. I briefly imagined family dinners with Bella and Rosalie at the table before shuddering and pushing the thought right back out of my mind.

"Well-" I started, but Emmett cut me off.

"No, this conversation is completely gay, enough. Stop worrying about shit, Edward, it's annoying."

"Fine," I said, getting up. "As long as you stay away from Bella, I'm good."

He laughed heartily. "Don't fuck it up, or else I'll have to take care of that shit too."

I laughed and flipped him off, but the conversation resonated with me long after I had left the room. I wondered just how right he was about Rosalie and I bringing out the worst in each other. I agreed, and I had even told her that when we broke up, but I suppose I didn't think about just how much of the bad we brought out, and I kind of couldn't imagine her being any different with anyone else. I could honestly say that I hoped Emmett was right, as much as Rosalie pissed me off at the end for what she did to Bella, if she was truly a different person when she wasn't with me, I suppose that was a good thing.

"Hey, where are you?" Bella asked, wrapping her warm fingers around my neck and pulling me from my thoughts.

I smiled and kissed her, moving my hands down her narrow waist. "I'm here."

She cocked eyebrow, expressing her disbelief so I pushed her back on the bed and moved on top of her. "Where the else would I want to be?" I asked as kissed down her neck to her collarbone.

I was relieved to discover she was wearing "the easy bra" with the navy polka dots, and moved my hand to the front clasp to pop it open. I wasted no time moving my mouth lower once I had gotten rid of her bra.

Her hands moved into my hair and down to my shoulders where she tugged at my shirt. I pulled it off quickly and then resumed my exploration. There was something I had been thinking about a lately, hell, since before Bella and I had even gotten together, and I wanted to see if maybe tonight was the night I could make my fantasy a reality. I kissed down her stomach as I pushed her skirt up her hips. I tugged her underwear down her hips and then sat up to pull it off her legs, pulling her skirt down after. I sat on my knees between her legs just looking her over for a minute before she squirmed.

"Hey, you have more clothes on," she whined.

I barely registered the comment as I leaned down again to kiss her flat, smooth stomach. I figured being casual would be the best approach so I just kept going, my lips moving around to her hip before I felt her sit up a bit, her fingers moving into my hair.

"Edward," she breathed. "What are you doing?"

I looked up at her for a moment before I continued to kiss along her hipbone. "Something I can't stop thinking about,"

"Oh God," she whispered as I moved my mouth to her thigh.

I kept kissing up her thigh, trying to take it slow even though I was completely fucking intoxicated by her and a little more than eager to reach my intended destination. When I was almost there I felt her tense and shift under me.

"You okay?" I asked, looking up at her. Her expression was hard to read, but it wasn't exactly the look I would have wanted to see on her face in a situation like this.

"It's just," she shifted her weight to one arm and rubbed her forehead. "I've never...no one's ever..."

I tried to keep the giant fucking grin from spreading across my face. Maybe it was kind of Neanderthal-like but I was really fucking happy to hear that little admission.

"Edward, you don't have to..."

"What if I want to?" I moved back up her body until we were face to face and then I kissed her, hard. "What if I've been dying to?"

Her eyes rolled back and she gasped a little. I took that as a green light and moved back down her body, kissing and sucking as I went. "If you don't like it, you can tell me to stop."

She chuckled a bit, which was even more reassuring. She didn't tell me to stop, and it's a good thing because I am fairly certain that it would have killed me to. Her raspy moans and her nails scraping over my scalp told me that she probably didn't mind it so much. When she came, bucking her hips against me, her hand cupping one of her breasts, and the other pulling at my hair, I was fairly certain that I had won her over.

"Holy crap..." she said after she caught her breath again. I was on my back next to her and I turned and I rolled closer to her, burying my face in her hair and wrapping my arm around her waist. I felt her turn her face toward mine. "Um...thanks."

I ducked into her neck to kiss where her blood pulsed hard and fast against her skin, thanks to me.

"Thank _you," _I murmured against her skin, enjoying how fucking good she smelled.

"I am pretty sure you have nothing to thank me for, Edward."

I looked up at her and then glanced pointedly down at my jeans. "Clearly, it was enjoyable for me. And I'm inordinately glad that I could be the first to do that to you."

She giggled. "Me, too."

She pushed against my shoulder until I rolled onto my back and then climbed over my thighs, her hands immediately going to my belt.

"Bella." I moved my hands to hers. "You don't have to reciprocate you know, I wanted to do that." I wasn't sure if that was even what she was intending, but I got the impression that it might be, and I didn't want her to think I was just angling for a blow job.

She shimmied up my body a bit and my eyes moved appreciatively over all her naked skin before she leaned forward, smiling. "What if I've been dying to?' she asked before kissing her way back down.

. . .

Prom was only a couple days away and the whole senior class seemed to be shitting themselves over it. The prom hysteria only made me that much happier that I would be spending the evening alone with Bella. I started to freak out a bit that telling her that I had planned something would put more pressure on me to make it special. I was more thinking that it would be nice just to do something alone, but she kept prodding for hints and I started to worry that maybe she thought I had some huge thing planned. I tried to keep her expectations low, telling her it wasn't a big deal, but she'd just smirk and push harder.

I was headed toward English Lit when I saw Rosalie coming down the hall. I was prepared to meet her empty glance with some dignity, as I usually did when I saw her, but she surprised me by coming to a halt as I approached.

"Hey," she said, her voice a mixture of affected disinterest and nervousness.

"Hey?" I said, not really intending it to sound like a question, but I was more than surprised that she was talking to me.

"I heard you're not going to prom, that true?"

"Nah, I'm gonna skip it."

"Why? Are you afraid we'll be King and Queen and have to dance?" I couldn't tell if she was trying to be humorous, or bitter.

I laughed. "No, Rose, I'm not afraid of that. I just don't really want to go that much—and I know it's important to you, I thought it might be more enjoyable for you if I wasn't there."

She looked up at me, and her expression changed to one of surprise. "Really?"

"Yeah. You know I'm not into all that stuff. I hope you have a good time, though."

She smiled a little and then looked down at her binder her in her hands. "It's your prom though. I don't care if you're there, Edward, I can still have fun."

"It's not just that, Rose. I just...I'm just really not interested in going."

She nodded. "All right, well...I'll see you later." She didn't wait for me to say goodbye before she quickly moved past me and down the hall toward class.

I stood in shock for a moment, not only because it was my first interaction with her since we broke up, but also because it went surprisingly well. Well for Rosalie, anyway. After a second I shook it off and continued down the hall.

Later, at lunch I relayed the encounter to Bella, who wrinkled her nose when I had finished the story.

"It's probably ridiculous that I'm feeling a little...jealous, and threatened, right?"

I laughed and leaned in to kiss her. "Yes, it's ridiculous. But I suppose I can understand. But it's definitely ridiculous." She feigned offense but instead of continuing to reassure her I kissed her again.

When our tongues met, I groaned and moved my hand to her waist, slipping it just beneath the hem of her polo shirt. As we continued to kiss I moved my hand down to the hem of her skirt and it took all my energy to hold it there and not slip it beneath. I was about to pull away and suggest we go to my car when Alice and Mike Newton walked up to our table.

"Yeah, Cullen. 'Atta boy," Mike said, holding his hand up for a high five.

I ignored him and Bella laughed as he stuffed his hand in his pocket and pretend to be hurt. "Burn, dude. Never leave your homey hanging on a hi-five."

Alice poked him in the side with her lunch tray and then sat down. "You guys wanna go to Lux tonight and hang out?"

Bella looked at me and I shrugged. "Sure."

"Awesome! James is going to be there...if that's okay?" She looked at Bella nervously.

"Of course, it'll be fun to hang out with you guys," Bella responded.

I reached under the table and grabbed her hand, lacing my fingers through hers. She leaned into me and I stuffed one of my French fries in her mouth. I didn't know about her, but I spent most of the rest of lunch trying desperately to keep my hands off her. Denying myself for some reason just made it worse, and finally I was forced to talk her into skipping the following period so we could fool around in my car.

That evening I picked Bella up to go meet Alice and James. While Bella finished getting ready, her mother invited me in. I followed her into the kitchen and she proceeded to offer me everything in their fridge and pantry.

"I'm fine thanks, Renee," I said, still wincing at calling her by her first name, even though she insisted. It didn't bother me with Carlisle, but I called him by his first name for as long as I could remember.

When she ran out of things to offer me she leaned against the counter and smiled at me. "Oh, you are just so adorable," she said, shaking her head. Bella's stepfather walked in just then and narrowed his eyes at me.

"I'm watching you, pal," he said and laughed, before wrapping his arms around her mom's waist and kissing her cheek. "Game's on, Reen."

She nodded and he pulled away and grabbed two beers from the fridge before heading into the other room. She followed him, reaching out to mess up my hair as she passed.

"Take care of my baby, Edward."

I nodded and a few seconds later, Bella came down stairs and stood by the front door. "C'mon, let's go," she said, bending over to tie her shoes.

She opened the door and started outside and when I caught up to her I pulled her close and kissed her before saying, "Hey, nice to see you too."

She laughed and slipped her hands around my waist. "I'm sorry, I just really didn't want Renee to talk my face off before we left."

When we got to Lux, Alice and James were already there, snuggled up on couch in the back, nose to nose. When she spotted us, she jumped up and ran over to give Bella a hug. She gave me a surprisingly heavy-handed punch on the arm.

"Hey, pal," she said, smiling. "Let's go get your lady and my man a drink."

I looked at Bella, wondering why Alice would want us to go get the drinks, but she just smiled and said, "Mochaccino, please."

James asked Alice to get him a coffee and she grabbed my hand and led me to the bar. I looked back to see James tip his hat to Bella before giving her a hug. I knew he was with Alice and I knew, on some level, that I had nothing to worry about—but I had trouble trusting anyone associated so closely with Jasper.

I tried to stealthily watch them as we waited in line for the drinks. They remained standing and I couldn't see Bella's expression, but James' was rather serious. I was immersed in trying to read his lips when Alice smacked me.

"Relax."

I looked down and gave her a little shove. "I am."

"He's just apologizing for Jasper being a douche and making sure she doesn't feel weird about hanging out with him, that's all. He is worried all my friends won't like him."

"Why does he hang out with Jasper, if he has to go around apologizing for him?"

Alice rolled her eyes at me and I instantly felt like a petty, jealous idiot. "Really, Edward? Because they are best friends and how Jasper is with girls has nothing to do with how he is with James. And because James was pretty similar to him before, just even more immature."

I laughed. "So how did you manage to rein him in?"

She shrugged. "Because I am so much fun to be around. And because maybe he realized how boring it is always chasing girls and mostly striking out." She giggled at her own joke and shook her head. "I don't know. We work, I guess."

I nodded and glanced back at them.

"Jasper had his shot. They were good together, but it didn't work and now she's with you, and she really likes you, Edward. Don't worry."

"Yeah, I know. I just—I don't want her to feel uncomfortable," I said, looking back at them.

"She'll be all right, James can separate shit. Stop worrying before it gets obvious and makes Bella feel bad. You don't want Bella to be sad, do you, Edward?"

I pushed her again and she laughed and then stepped up to the register to order our drinks. When we got back to the couches, I sat down at the end of one and Bella immediately settled next to me and molded herself to my side. Conversation came pretty easily with Alice and James and I was surprised to find that it wasn't that weird. Alice led the conversation most of the time and it felt good to be at ease around friends, and to enjoy their company, unlike how I felt with Rosalie's group, with the exception of Eli.

Around ten, Bella started to nod off against my chest so we decided it was time to leave. We said our goodbyes and as we got into the car, Alice called out, "Hey, have fun at faux-prom, guys. Bella, you're calling me as soon as you are home."

Bella just laughed and nodded and, again, I worried that my little surprise was going to fall flat on its face.

. . .

The night of the prom I passed by the hall bathroom and saw Emmett adjusting his tie in the mirror, and again I felt relieved that I didn't have to worry about that mess. I headed into my room and threw on a t-shirt and grabbed a flannel for later and tossed it over my shoulder. Just as I was about to leave my room, I caught sight of my Julliard acceptance later, poking out from beneath a magazine on my dresser. I sat down at the desk and pulled the letter out to look at it.

Not too long ago, looking at that letter made me feel hope and excitement, and sometimes it was the only thing that got me through another day of school or another fight with Rosalie. Now it was almost taunting—bittersweet and every day leaning more and more toward just bitter. Julliard and New York were all I ever wanted, and I still wanted both badly, but now that I had Bella, and knowing that she was a year behind me, all of that lost quite bit of it's glimmer. Part of me was inconvenienced by the fact that something managed to taint what had always been a perfect dream—waiting on the horizon and guaranteed to happen—but most of me just wanted it all to go away, so that I could stay here with Bella, guilt free. I knew it was still early in our relationship, but I couldn't control how I felt. Against my will, my desire to be anywhere away from here, from her, was stripped.

I knew that sooner or later I had to deal with this, to deal with the future. Bella knew that I was going to school in New York, we had talked about it back when we were first getting to know each other, but obviously now it had different implications. She never brought it up, I'm sure because it was so early in our relationship, but I knew the conversation would have to happen soon, before things got more serious. I had no intentions of backing out, no matter what happened in the fall, but I wasn't sure if Bella would feel the same way.

I slipped the letter back under the magazine and gave myself at least one more day to not think about it. I got up and headed downstairs, pushing thoughts of school and the fall to the back of my mind.

I was in the kitchen getting a drink when Emmett appeared looking dapper in his suit.

"Does Abercrombie make suits, or did you have to pay for that one," I asked taking some water and soda out of the fridge to pack.

"Har har," he said, tugging at his cufflinks.

"Did Rosalie tell you what suit to buy?"

"Nope. I told her to wear a green dress though. I look good next to green. It compliments my eyes."

"Hah, I bet that went over well."

"Well, she got a green dress, so..."

I shook my head, still shocked at just how easily Emmett managed to influence Rosalie. She never wore green because she claimed that while it looked good on her, there were so many other colors that looked so much better.

My mom walked in the room and gasped when she saw Emmett. "Oh, so handsome!" she exclaimed standing on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek. He smiled proudly and I rolled my eyes. She turned to me and frowned.

"Edward, why exactly couldn't _you_ go to _your_ prom again?"

"C'mon Mom, don't start again."

She shook her head but relented. "All right, honey. The food is in the fridge, put it in the oven at two-fifty for about fifteen minutes to heat it up. Your father and I are going to go see a movie." She turned back to Emmett. "Make sure you take some pictures please, honey. Even if you're going with Edward's ex-girlfriend, you still look so handsome."

I couldn't help but laugh. Carlisle came into the kitchen and gestured to the door. "Ready, love?"

My mom nodded and then he turned to Emmett and I. "No drinking and driving tonight—both of you." He gave us each a pointed glance before adding, "Have fun."

When they were gone, Emmett went to the hall bathroom to ogle himself once more before walking back into the kitchen and right up to me, a serious expression painted on his face.

"Give me your hand," he said.

I shot him a questioning glance but still held out my hand. He pulled out his wallet and I thought he was going to give me some money but instead he dropped a condom in my hand. "Be safe tonight, little brother." His expression remained serious before he burst out into laughter. "God, I really hope you need that tonight. You may not be going to prom, but it's still prom."

I whipped the condom back at him and rolled my eyes, but truthfully, the thought had already crossed my mind, and my wallet had been "prepared" already for weeks. Not that I had any kind of special "prom night" plans, I just pretty much always wanted to have sex with Bella, and I kind of hoped that sooner rather than later, the opportunity would present itself.

Emmett bent down, grabbed the condom and put it back in his wallet. "Fine, but if you get her pregnant, Uncle Emmett is not babysitting. Although, I'd be willing to take the kid for a walk every now and then; chicks fucking love babies."

"Go to your prom, dickhead."

A few minutes later Emmett reappeared from the hall. "Limo's here, time to go fetch the prom queen. You sure you don't want to throw on a suit?"

"Positive. Have fun, don't make an ass out of yourself in front of my friends."

"Please, look at who you are talking to. I owned that school long before you did, pal. Your friends and their little friends will be pissing themselves." He stopped for a minute, looking like he was deep in thought and then sighed. "God, I am going to a high school prom, this is so lame." I laughed and he gestured to a set of car keys on the counter. "Be good to Caddy. Don't get any bodily fluids on the leather."

He was referring to his prized Escalade, which he let me borrow for the evening. I gave him a quick salute. "Yes, sir. Have a good time...I guess."

When he was gone I put the food my mom made in the oven and then packed the blankets, a bottle of wine I nabbed from my parent's cellar, and my guitar in the back of the truck. When the food was heated I packed it in a thermal bag and put that in as well. I called Bella to make sure she was ready to go, grabbed my iPod, and headed to her house.

As I pulled up, she came out the front door and was halfway down the lawn when I got out. I walked around to her side and when she got to the car I wrapped my arms around her and picked her up.

"Hey." I said, kissing her before she could answer.

When we came up for air she returned the greeting. "Hey. So, are you sure I'm dressed okay?"

She was wearing a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and she had a sweater in her arms. I brought an extra flannel for her too, just in case it got cool and she didn't bring anything. When I said super casual, I meant it.

"Yes, you're perfect." I put her down and moved my hands over her stomach before resting them on her hips. "You look hot," I added, leaning in to kiss her neck.

She brought her hand to the back of my neck as I kissed hers. "You, too. But are we going somewhere or was your plan to make out in my front lawn."

I gave her neck one last quick kiss and then pulled away, laughing. "No, I planned to make out somewhere else."

"Sounds good to me," she replied as she climbed into the truck.

I sprinted around the other side and got in. "Your mom didn't want some alterna-prom pictures?" I asked, smirking.

"God, shhh she might hear you. She would have had someone given her the idea."

We talked and listened to music as we drove, and Bella didn't start asking where we were headed until we were about twenty minutes outside the city.

"Huh. Where are we going exactly?" she asked, turning the music down a bit.

"Why would I tell you now?"

"Well, I kind of assumed that it would be a local event. Can I expect to stay in the state? Will I be going home tonight?"

"Don't worry, we're staying in the state. You won't be going home tonight, but your mom knows and she's okay with it."

"Are you telling me Renee is in on this?"

"Sort of. I told her what I had in mind, and asked her if it was all right."

She relaxed against the seat again. "Okay, fine," she said, sighing exaggeratedly. "Surprise me, I guess."

I smirked and reached over to grip her knee. "It'll be okay, I promise. It's _so_ not exciting, you'll probably be massively disappointed if it makes you feel better."

She placed her hand on top of mine. "Will you be there?"

"Uh...yeah."

"Then I'll love it."

I turned my hand over on her knee and she ran her fingers over my palm before threading them through mine.

After we had been driving for about forty-five minutes she turned to me. "Lake Pleasant?"

I nodded. "I thought we could camp for the night. Sort of, anyway. We can sleep in the back of the truck." Her eyes lit up and I was hopeful that maybe the surprise wouldn't be so bad.

"Edward, this is awesome!"

"Yeah?"

"Yes. A thousand times better than a dance."

Before long we were pulling into the site, and I had luckily managed to find a pretty private spot with no one else in sight. We got out of the car and I popped the trunk. Bella squealed as soon as I did and I turned to look at her.

"You brought the guitar!"

"I was thinking you might want another lesson."

She wrapped her arms around my waist as I pulled it out of the truck. "I think I'd much rather hear _you _play."

I rested the guitar case against the truck and pulled the blanket and the food bag out, setting them on the ground. "Well, I think I can manage that, too."

We spread the blanket out on the ground and then I dropped the bag on top of it followed by the guitar. I stood in the middle of the blanket and jerked my head to tell her to come over to me. The setting sun colored the sky in pinks and oranges and the air was perfectly still. She stepped onto the blanket and then into my open arms. I wrapped them around her and pulled her close.

"Welcome to prom." She chuckled against my chest. "I had my mom make us some food, I promise it's better than prom food. Even lukewarm."

She looked up at me. "You couldn't have planned anything better."

Relief spread through me but I couldn't help but feel a little surprised. "Really? I thought it was so lackluster—I was afraid telling you beforehand made it seem like it was going to be really good."

"It is really good, Edward. It's perfect, everything."

"Hungry?" I asked, moving my hands down to her lower back.

"Yeah, definitely."

We ate quickly, both of us more hungry than we had realized. Bella _oohed_ and _ahhed _over the food and teased me for having my mom make us dinner. I explained that if I had been in charge of dinner it would have probably been chips and cold Hot Pockets. We poured the wine into the red plastic cups I brought and left the bottle in the truck, just in case there were any cops or rangers around. When we finished she crawled between me legs, leaned back against my chest and we talked until she asked me to play something for her.

"You don't want to play? I was kind of looking forward to giving you a lesson where I can actually touch you..."

She giggled and crawled away from me, turning around to face me. "Oh really, you wanted to touch me last time?"

I leaned forward. "Fuck yes, I did."

She leaned into me as well, pausing as our lips touched. "Maybe I kind of wanted you to."

The small detail that she was with Jasper back then did not escape me, and it sent a very warm feeling coursing through my body. She pressed her lips more firmly against mine and after a minute I pulled her closer. I wanted her in my lap but she pulled back.

"I still want to hear you play, Edward."

Playing the guitar was the last thing I felt like doing right then, but I obliged for her. I pulled the guitar from its case and settled it in my lap.

"Anything you want to hear?"

She crossed her legs and pulled them close to her body. "I want you to play...whatever you want to play me."

I smiled, a good acoustic song coming to my head instantly. Neutral Milk Hotel's "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea" always reminded me of Bella, for whatever reason, and so I immediately started to strum it. I looked around quickly before I began to sing, and I was relieved to find that we were still all alone.

_What a beautiful face I have found in this place that is circling all round the sun. What a beautiful dream that could flash on the screen in the blink of an eye and be gone from me. Soft and sweet, let me hold it close and keep it here, with me... _

She smiled and watched intently as I played, and strangely I didn't really feel self conscious at the focused attention. She quickly seemed to get lost in the music, not really in watching me play. When I finished, she leaned forward and kissed me.

"I loved it," she whispered. I told her the band and the song and she remembered another song that I had put on her playlist from them. "Why did you play this one?"

"I think of you when I hear it. I'm not sure why. It's just...it's nice, I little sad, but hopeful too. It's about beauty and love and life and appreciating it all before it's gone. I guess maybe it's the first line that makes me think of you. I feel like you're just...this amazing thing amongst all this blah in my life."

She raised herself onto her knees and scooted closer. She attempted to push the guitar away from me but I held her back. "Whoa, one sec, let me put it in the case. Sorry I am a little OCD about the guitar."

I laid it back in the case and closed the lid and then turned and pulled her into my lap. She wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me intensely. I pushed back against her mouth and kept pushing until she was on her back on the blanket.

We lasted about ten minutes or so before we had the blanket and the pillows spread out in the back of the truck. It was probably about another fifteen before most of our clothing was gone, tossed somewhere in the front of the truck. When I found myself almost fully on top of her, her panties and my boxers the only clothing between us, I decided that I couldn't wait any longer, and I figured I might as well just find out if she felt the same way.

"Bella," I panted, breathless not only from the fact that we spend more time kissing than breathing, but also from my fucking raw need, "I want you so bad. "

She arched her head back, exposing her pale neck to me. I leaned down to kiss her throat and she pulled my hips against her, her fingers curling around the waistband of my boxers. "I want you, too," she whispered.

I slipped my hand into her panties and she whimpered when I touched her. "Now?" I asked, though I could tell she was ready.

"Yes. God. Right now."

I'm pretty sure my eyes rolled back into my head, the desperation in her voice such a fucking insane turn-on. I yanked her underwear down her legs and when I got them off she tugged at my boxers. When they were gone, I collapsed back on top of her with a groan when I felt her without any barrier between us. I realized then that I needed a condom and this time I groaned because we had tossed my jeans up front somewhere and I wasn't sure I could bear to pull myself away from her. Reluctantly I did, scrambling to the backseat and reaching over, feeling for my jeans. I found them and quickly grabbed my wallet from the back pocket and then threw them over the seat again. I pulled the condom out and threw the wallet in the same direction as the jeans.

I quickly rolled it on and then crawled on top of Bella again, my heart pounding out of my chest in anticipation. It was beating so fast, I prayed I didn't have a fucking heart attack before we even achieved penetration. I took a deep breath and felt between her legs so that I could position myself against her. I hesitated for just a moment, trying to center myself and calm my breathing, before I pushed into her.

"Ohhh, Edward," she gasped when I finally did, her fingers digging into my hips.

I squeezed my eyes shut and held my breath until I was all the way inside her. It wasn't the first time I had done this but it was so fucking different from any time before that it almost felt like it was. She was tight, hot, and wet, as girls usually are at times like this, but she was also amazing and perfect and quite possibly _made for me_. The sensation of being inside of her, after wanting her for what felt like forever, was almost overwhelming. I moved slowly at first, trying to get adjusted, and also trying not to come before we even got started.

Finally, when I felt like I had a gotten a grip on things I began to move faster and deeper. She arched her back and then she moved her hands to my hips, at first just holding them there and then after a little bit she began to push me into her. I was trying all sorts of things to stop myself from coming but it was difficult because I also didn't want to distract myself from the feeling of her, the smell of her, and the fucking amazing sounds she was making.

Pretty soon I was moving faster without even thinking about it, my body and hers both craving the extra friction. She hooked her leg over my thigh and continued to pull my hips against her as she moaned. I realized I was micro-focused the whole time and I remembered that there were other parts of her body that were fun to touch as well. We tried to kiss, but our pants and moans were not in synch at first and we were mostly just breathing into each other's mouths. Finally we managed to match each other's rhythm and everything just intensified when we began to kiss in earnest. I balanced my weight on one arm as I moved my hand to her breast and slowly I became engulfed to the point of near sensory overload. I didn't have a broad range to base it on, but for sure this was the best sex I had ever had. Really, it was just the best fucking thing ever. Period.

I held out a little longer but when Bella's moans began to reach a fevered pitch, I started to struggle. I moved one hand between her legs to touch her, to feel where we were joined and a few minutes later her muscle spasms sent me over the edge. I collapsed onto her as I came, panting so hard I thought I might lose my breath completely.

We both lay there for a while, catching our breath and recovering from what felt like shock. Finally, her strained voice broke the spell.

"Edward, you're a little heavy," she said, giggling.

I rolled off of her and the pulled her to me. "Sorry." I was still a little short of breath, but my heart rate was starting to slow down and I figured I was finally out of heart attack range.

"Oh man," she whispered.

I pulled her up a bit so that we could kiss. "Fuck, you're...God, you're incredible."

"You did all the work," she said, shifting her body more on top of mine. "You're incredible."

"I want to do that all day, every day." I pulled her face to mine, planting kiss after kiss on her lips in quick succession.

"Oh yeah? At school?"

"Fuck. Yes. Please," I groaned.

She giggled. "Okay, every day, all day," she answered, before kissing me.

She slid down a bit and rested her face on my chest. "Thanks for not taking me to prom, Edward."

I laughed and rolled onto my side, slipping my fingers into her hair and massaging her scalp. I pulled her as close to me as I could and kissed the top of her head. "Thanks for not being disappointed that the surprise wasn't a weekend in Vegas and some expensive jewelry."

"Oh, that would have been awesome," she said, feigning disappointment. I would have almost believed her if she didn't laugh right after.

"Sorry, I guess I blew it after all."

She kissed my chest and wrapped herself tighter around me. "It's all right, this was pretty good too."

As I slowly came down from the euphoria of sex, I started to realize that all the shit that came before us really didn't matter. In pretty much any relationship, there would always be a _before_, but for the first time I felt like the past had truly become he past. The endless desert sky beyond the roof of the truck and all around us, made our futures seem clean and open—a big, blank sky waiting for us to create our own brand new constellations. There was only one thought still nagging at me in the back of my mind; how much sky would separate Bella and I come September, and how much was too much?

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**Please come chat and hang out with me at www(dot)adifferentforest(dot)com **


	25. Revelations 3:11

**Disclaimer: I don't own it. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Thanks to Legna989 for betaing and keeping the faith. And to her, ElleCC and RedVelvetHeaven for talking down many times and helping me through this chapter. I know, I'm so dramatic.

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_"I am coming soon. Hold fast what you have, so that no one may seize your crown."_

_**Revelations 3:11

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_**Jasper Hale**_

I wasn't on St. Mary's property for more than four minutes when I ran into a girl by the name of Jenny or Jeannine or whatever, with whom I'd had the pleasure of acquainting myself a mere week or two after I arrived in Phoenix. We hadn't spoken since, but she recognized me right away and once I flipped through my mental Rolodex and came within the ballpark of her name, I nodded and smiled and quickly turned the corner toward the gymnasium. I made it down the hall and almost to the double-doors of the gym before I spotted another girl in her cap and gown, scowling at me and whispering to her friend, who then turned to look at me with a matching expression. I watched them for a moment before I remembered that she was Kate. Kate of the ASU homecoming party; she told me she was a freshman there, and I knew damn well she wasn't, but I was more than happy to go along with her story.

I sighed to myself as I passed her, ignoring the death glare and offering a weak smile instead. I hoped to God the ceremony wouldn't last long because this place was making my skin crawl. These girls, they felt like ghosts from the past. Like people from a lifetime ago. The realization that I felt that way was what freaked me out the most.

It was what Peter knew, what he understood, and what he was always fucking trying to get me to admit lately: that I was over it. Over _them_, but not _her_. Even Felix had joined in on the "reform Jasper" initiative.

But I refused, or at least refused to admit it out loud. Inside, though—inside there was really no way to deny or avoid it. I'd known for a while, really. I looked at these girls and I couldn't even feign interest for my own peace of mind. I couldn't even quite remember what I saw in them in the first place, and that was fucking weird and unsettling.

And then when I walked into the gym and I saw Bella, standing with Alice and Emmett at the opposite end, I almost wanted to slap my forehead and say_, oh right, it's because _she _fucking ruined it all._

I stopped and stood there and watched her, as the grumbling Rev and my mother shuffled past me to head over to our seats. The sight of her incited the same cluster of shitty feelings it did at the fair, but this time I couldn't walk away; I couldn't look away until her eyes met mine. While I waited for her to graciously turn her attention to me, my eyes traveled down over her body. It was torture, for sure, but I couldn't resist; and as I took in her little purple plaid dress, and tall, black socks that came just over her knee, I think I actually winced.

Finally, the mental suggestion worked, and she looked away from Alice as Emmett moved in front of her, presumably toward wherever they were going to sit. When she saw me she froze for just a second, her brows furrowing slightly, before her features smoothed and then…and then her mouth turned up just a bit at the corners, into this little half-smile. For a moment before she turned to follow Emmett, her gaze didn't waver, and whatever clouded her eyes when she first looked at me had dissipated. As she and Alice followed Emmett, he turned back to say something and Bella's smile grew wider; it was obvious even from her profile.

She didn't look back, and I knew that because I watched her walk all the way over to where Edward's mother and father were sitting. Edward's mom patted a seat next to her and when Bella sat down, she wrapped an arm around her shoulder and tugged on a lock of Bella's hair. Edward's father, Carlisle, leaned over Esme to say something to Bella; she laughed, and then they all turned their attention back to the stage. Her leg bounced and I wanted to be next to her, to grab her knee and hold it still as I slipped my fingers just beneath the hem of those fucking deadly socks.

I continued to watch her as everyone around them settled into their seats, because I couldn't take my eyes off her, and because I wanted her to look at me again. I wanted her to look at me and I wanted to see something on her face other than that smile. That fucking smile.

That smile was the kind you give a passing acquaintance, someone that exists just on the perimeter of your life—someone who deserves little more than a basic acknowledgment.

I knew it well because it was the same smile I flashed both those girls outside.

My eyes traveled away from her for just a moment and landed on Alice, who was staring right at me. When I met her gaze she cocked an eyebrow and pursed her lips. I ignored the protective Chihuahua thing she was trying to pull and nodded at her before taking one last glance at Bella and then turning to find my seat. This fucking thing could not end soon enough.

I nodded off while the valedictorian spoke, and then the actual ceremony moved pretty quickly. When Edward's name was called and he made his way onto the stage, I was tempted to boo him, but instead I kept my mouth shut and looked over at Bella. She grinned as she watched him walk up on stage and then leaned in to his mother and whispered something. Seeing her with his family was more upsetting than I'd expected. They seemed so comfortable. I tried to imagine her being that way with my parents but it was fucking impossible. My parents were lunatics.

When graduation was over, we filed out of the gym and waited out front for Rosalie. I had one family dinner to get through before I was free for the evening. I saw Rosalie and Emmett talking by the flagpole and vaguely wondered if Edward was nearby, and if those two could stand to be near each other yet. I looked around and caught sight of a pair of hands moving along purple plaid, bunching and releasing the fabric.

Edward was leaning down—his forehead pressed against Bella's, lips moving—and I smiled. The vision stirred up a kind of dull rage that felt good. I was grateful for the reminder, because things had cooled down lately and yet I didn't really feel any better; I just didn't really feel at all. This rage reminded me how I got here, and it felt good to care about something, even if it seemed like that something didn't care about me.

Or, at least it would appear she didn't. I watched his hands clutching her dress and moving up her back and reminded myself that I was the one who handed her over to him. I wondered how things would have gone if I'd let it all play out differently.

When he tilted his head to kiss her, I turned back to my parents.

"Rosalie's over there. Can we round her up and get a move on? I've got places to be."

My father's nostrils flared, but I turned to fetch my sister before he could chastise me.

Emmett stopped talking when I approached and I had no patience for the Cullens today, so I turned my back to him and addressed only Rosalie.

"C'mon, little sis. It's dinnertime, and you're on the clock." I gestured to my non-existent watch and she rolled her eyes but followed me, quickly saying goodbye to Emmett. I noticed that it was a platonic farewell, and I wondered if that was merely due to my presence.

She sighed as she shrugged out of her green gown. "Let's get this over with."

It was uncharacteristic for Rosalie to want to speed up any event that involved her being showered with praise and at the center of attention. I glanced sidelong at her and raised an eyebrow.

"Get this over with? You've been waiting for this awhile. It's a rite of passage and whatnot…. I can understand why _I _want to get this over with, but why are you so eager?"

She shrugged and I laughed. "This is probably your last day of glory for another four years. Rite of passage? Muster some excitement." I sang her a few bars of "Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon." She scowled and shoved me.

We both looked ahead to see my father beaming at her—his reverence cheap and obvious.

"Look at him, he'll break down and weep if you don't let him sing your praises this evening in front of the Christian Coalition."

I was, of course, being sarcastic, but Rosalie just nodded, barely cracking a smile. Perhaps I should have questioned her mood—particularly given the occasion—but as the Reverend pulled her in for a hug, my mind wandered back to Bella and that disaffected, polite smile.

As we got ready to head to the car, I looked around for her, but she and her knee socks and her dweeb in a gown were gone. I felt inexplicably good. It couldn't figure out why, but for some reason, behind the Pavlovian response of feeling like shit when I saw her, there was this lingering feeling. It was light, buzzing, maybe even a little electric, and while I couldn't quite put my finger on it, I also didn't want to question it too much.

I should have gotten a gold star for how well behaved I was during dinner. I didn't even order a drink or make air quotes during grace whenever the Rev said "Lord" or "Jesus." I was so looking forward to going out, that I decided the safest way to preserve my pleasant mood was to just keep my head down and avoid fights.

Rosalie was surprisingly subdued, which helped keep me on track, and while my father didn't even notice that I wasn't making a concentrated effort to piss him off, he was so focused on bragging about Rosalie to whoever would listen that he was thankfully _not _focused on giving me shit.

We all made it through cake and coffee (and half a flask of Basil Hayden's for me) unscathed, and so I figured it was best to cut out immediately, before the Rev had time to digest, come off the high of his pride and joy graduating high school—as if it was some sort of special feat—and start thinking of things to bitch about.

"Well, I think I'd better hit the dusty trail. Thanks for the dinner, Rev. Congrats, Briar Rose."

"Can you give me a ride back to the house?" Rosalie piped up, much to the surprise of the table. "I'm going out, and I want to get changed first."

I looked to my father and waited for it. Slowly the corners of his mouth turned down as he watched Rosalie's face. "What exactly were you planning on doing, angel?"

"Victoria's having some people over; it's a graduation party."

"And who's going to drive you to Victoria's house? And will her parents be there?"

"Yeah, they'll be home and I was going to ride with Eli and Carmen and…" She trailed off, trying to make it seem intentional.

"And? And Emmett Cullen?" His eyebrows furrowed and I smirked. I pulled up a chair, wanting a good seat for the show.

"Yes, I think he'll be going too."

Now, I was good all night, but there is only so much a man can take. I mean, she was just dangling it out there. "Didn't he graduate a really long time ago?" I asked with a grin.

Rosalie glared at me. "Two years ago, yeah, but he's still friends with a lot of people. It won't be just seniors there. I mean after all, some of the seniors are dating juniors." The corners of her lips turned up as she turned back to the Rev. Touché.

"Now, Rosalie, I don't-"

"Daddy," she whined, cutting him off. "I just graduated!"

He pursed his lips but nodded. "Fine, then. But remember your curfew."

"Okay, but I can sleep at Victoria's too, if I want to, right?"

He nodded. "All right, but Sara-Jane, you call that girl's mama when we get home and make sure she's going to be around and that it's just the girls that'll be sleeping over." He flashed Rose a cautionary glance as he finished speaking.

My mother nodded vigorously and I chuckled to myself. Victoria's mother was one of those under-stimulated housewives of the Phoenix upper crust, but she was by no means a lady. That woman had a she-boner for all of Victoria's teenaged guy friends, and during that week and a half I was hanging around Victoria, I was fairly certain that if I'd requested a mother/daughter threesome, Mrs. Crazy Harry's Used Luxury Vehicles would have most definitely been game.

She liked to be the "cool mom," and therefore would most definitely tell my busy-body mother that there would be no drinking, constant supervision and lights out by twelve. Meanwhile, amongst the kids vomiting in the pool and banging in the basement, you'd probably find Mrs. Harris trying to get a piece of the action, or passed out in her room with a few bottles of Veuve on ice. I was almost tempted to crash the party myself.

When I snapped out of my reverie, smiling contentedly, Rosalie was glaring at me. "Ready to go?"

I hopped up from my chair, only mildly disappointed at the anti-climactic party discussion. "Yes, let's."

I saluted my father and gave my mom a kiss on the head.

"What the fuck is up with you?" Rosalie asked as we exited the club, just as I was posing the very same question to myself.

"Nothing. I'm just glad that whole thing is over. Not your graduation stuff, just, you know, the dinner shit. I think we acted positively adult-ish in there, don't you?"

She shrugged. "Shouldn't you be in a bad mood? Didn't it bother you to see Bella practically humping Edward in front of the school after graduation?"

Just when I had wondered what happened to good old Rosalie. "Did it bother you?" I deflected.

"Nope," she said, staring out the side window. "I'm over that. She can have him."

"Does you being over that have anything to do with getting under his brother?" I cringed as soon as the words left my mouth. I did not want to know about that shit. "Never mind."

"Not everyone is a slut like you, Jasper. Emmett and I are just friends." She was trying awfully hard to sound casual, but I didn't push too much because I really didn't want think about whom my sister was or wasn't doing. I never paid much attention to Edward until he started sniffing around Bella, and I intended to do the same with Emmett.

Still, I had some strange inclination to warn her that "just friends" probably didn't really exist with guys like Emmett. But this wasn't a fucking TV movie so I just said, "Well, let me know if Emmett doesn't have quite the same understanding of the situation."

She turned to me, eyes wide. "Oh, really? Seriously, what is wrong with you?"

I shrugged. "I don't know, but just be fucking gracious before I change my mind and drop you off on the side of the road."

That shut her up good, and after stopping to pick her up a sixer of Smirnoff Ice or some other kind of lemon girl shit, I dropped her at home and then headed over to James'. Once he was in the car we called Peter and told him to have beers ready inside of twenty minutes.

. . .

Six or seven beers later, my mind started to clear, and my mood started to make sense. That light, buzzy, good feeling? I was beginning to think that was resolve. That feeling you get when you've made a decision and the decision makes sense, and then you've resolved to follow through.

I didn't even know I had made a decision earlier in the day, but the beer helped me focus and realize that, hey, apparently I did. And when I realized what it was, I had to pat myself on the back, because it seemed like a pretty fucking logical one; although, I wondered what took me so long to make it.

"I changed my mind," I said to no one in particular, or maybe Peter. I registered Peter turning his head from the TV to look at me, but my eyes were focused on James, smoking and pacing on the small balcony, on the phone with, most likely, his keeper, Alice.

"Huh?" Peter asked. Before I could speak he held his finger up and then jumped off the couch. He returned from the kitchen a second later with two fresh beers. "Changed your mind?"

"Yeah. This whole Bella thing. I changed my mind."

"As in…"

"It was stupid. I mean, what the fuck am I doing now?" A weird smile spread across Peter's face. His expression was a mix of smugness and pride, like he was a fucking proud father or something, and I almost wanted to change my mind again, just to piss him off.

"Fucking finally. I'm kind of surprised that for a smart guy like you, it took you this long to figure it out."

"Yeah, yeah, I guess you can return that helmet you bought me for Christmas. Anyway, so she might be at this party my sister is going to, but I'm not sure since…my sister will be there. But I guess it doesn't matter, I probably shouldn't pull a Cullen and make a big public display."

Peter furrowed his brow and then pushed his glasses up his nose. "What exactly are you talking about?"

"Jesus Pete, keep up. I've changed my mind, I want her back, et cetera. I'd like to talk to her tonight, because, well, the sooner the better, obviously. She was wearing these knee sock or thigh-high type things at graduation today and I'm really looking forward to reconciling-"

"Hold up. You want to go find her and tell her you want her back because she looked good in a pair of thigh highs today?" He stopped and chuckled. "Wait, she was wearing thigh highs to a high school graduation? What is she an escort?" he teased, raising an eyebrow.

"Fuck Peter, what the hell is wrong with you? Do you just like to fucking poo-poo every decision I make? And she's not a damn prostitute. They were like knee socks but they went over her knee, and they were fucking cute as hell. And it's not because of the goddamned socks anyway. I just…when I saw her, I didn't like the way she looked at me; she looked like it didn't bother her to see me, and that fucking bothered _me_. But then I felt really good, totally out of nowhere. And I didn't really get it but I realized like, five minutes ago that it's because I want her back, and I don't care that I want her back. I'm fine with it. I want her and I'll even call her my girlfriend or whatever. I mean what does it matter, she's the only girl I want right now anyway, so what the fuck was I so afraid of?"

Peter took a deep breath and then leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees. I didn't like the look on his face and I was tempted to just leave now so I didn't have to listen to some fucking 'I told you so' lecture.

"I think this is a bad fucking idea, Jasper."

"Why? Didn't you fucking chastise me forever for cutting her loose? Didn't you tell me I should man up and just admit that I wanted her to be my girlfriend? Isn't that exactly what I'm fucking doing?"

"Yeah, but I told you that before. Now…she's with that other kid right?"

"Right. I fucking handed her over to him. I can take her back if I want to." I regretted the words as soon as they made their way out of my mouth. I sounded like a spoiled two-year old, and I knew Pete was going to call me on it.

"You know it doesn't work that way, right?" His tone was fucking patronizing, as expected.

"Listen, oh wise one, I know how it fucking works. I want her back, and I'm going to tell her that, and I'm going to apologize and then she can make a damn decision."

"Um…I need to discourage you from doing that."

I leaned back in my chair and blew out a long, exasperated breath. "And _why _would you do a thing like that, when you encouraged me not so fucking long ago?"

"Because you need to give the girl a break. She's with someone else now, and while I really do wish you'd had this epiphany a little earlier, it's not fair for you to go back to her now and ask her to choose. And I'd be pretty damn surprised if she chose you anyway, if she's happy with this guy."

"Well, she was fucking happy with me before."

"Yeah. _Was. Before_."

"Christ Peter you're a fucking buzzkill, you know that? I mean this was like…what you've been waiting for, what you've been bitching about. I'm putting myself out there or some shit—I mean, she can say no, but I have to at least try."

"No, I really don't think you do. I mean, you can do what you want—I'm just trying to be the voice of reason here. All you're going to do is make her feel conflicted and confused. You'll be around, you can keep tabs on her and if she and this Edward kid break up, then go for it. But fuck, you can't just decide you want her back and go and fuck things up with the relationship she's in now. It's wrong, Jasper, especially since you don't even really know _why_ you want her back in the first place."

"I know why I want her back, dickhead, I just don't want to discuss it with you like a bunch of chicks. And if _I_ know why I want her back, it doesn't really matter if you do."

"Fine. It doesn't really change things. I just feel bad for the girl; I think you should just let her be, and take this as a lesson learned. You hold back out of fear, and shit like this happens. I'm not trying to be a dick, Jasper; I just don't want to see this backfire on you."

I leaned forward and dropped my head down toward my lap. I put my beer on the table and then ran my fingers over my scalp, trying to come up with a valid argument. I couldn't find one, and I could feel myself starting to get pissed off. The only way my plan made sense was if Bella wasn't happy with Edward. I told myself that if there was a possibility of that, it was worth the risk—but I just saw them today, and it really didn't look like the case.

We sat in silence for a while until James came back in the room.

"Damn, who died?"

"Let's go out," I said, ignoring James and sitting up again.

"Go out? Really? Where?" Peter asked.

"Well, I don't really fucking care. If I'm going to officially step aside, yet again, I suppose I need to move on, if you know what I'm saying."

"What are you talking about?" James asked, picking up his beer, which was probably warm, and finishing it off.

"I'm talking about fucking, James. I need to get laid."

Peter dropped his beer on the table somewhat forcefully. "Shit, Jasper, don't you know how to deal with anything? It was fucking advice, I wasn't suggesting you regress."

"So, what are you suggesting? I become a fucking monk? If I'm not going to be with Bella, then I'm going to be with someone else—is that really so bizarre a concept?"

"No, of course not, your method has worked famously so far. Shall we drop you at Rogue, then? I know Maria's been such a comfort to you."

I rolled my eyes. "I think maybe you could use an evening with her, to be honest. What's it been five, six years? She might help coax that stick out of your ass."

"Thanks, I've got enough to deal with without the stress of an STD to add to it."

I opened my mouth to retort but James cut me off.

"Wait, Peter only wants you to have sex with Bella?" He was desperately trying to get himself informed.

"No, on the contrary, actually."

Peter turned to James. "He wanted to try and get back together with her—I told him it was a shitty idea, since she's in a relationship with someone else now."

"Fuck, how long was I on the phone? That would be awesome and shit, but dude, if you decide to do that, Alice is going to flip."

"Fuck Alice." I said, getting up. "Let's go."

"Hey, man," James protested, sounding more offended than pissed.

"Sorry, man, I'm just…I just want to fucking go out."

"Okay, where to?" he asked, bouncing back quickly. He walked to the front hall to check himself out in the mirror.

"We could walk to Jackson's or something, I guess," I suggested, draining the rest of my beer and then Peter's.

Peter stood up and grabbed my arm when I turned to head toward the door. "Listen, I wasn't trying to take the wind out of your sails or whatever the fuck… I just don't think it's a good idea, and I don't think going out and getting laid tonight is going to fix it, either."

"Yeah," I said, nodding, "I get it. Getting laid isn't going to fix it; it's just going to get me laid. Is that a crime?"

He shrugged. "No, I guess not."

"Then let's go."

. . .

Things not going according to plan seemed to be the theme of the day. Theoretically, I could have gotten laid. There were lots of chicks at the bar and statistically, it was pretty likely that there was at least one who would have gladly taken me home, but I just wasn't feeling it. I couldn't even make decent conversation because all these chicks either bored me or pissed me off.

Near, or maybe after, last call, I surveyed the mass of empty glasses and bottles on the table in front of me, and my stomach lurched. I took a deep breath and looked around the bar. James was two tables down, talking to some guys, and Peter…Peter of all people, was standing by the hall leading to the bathrooms, leaning into a moderately attractive brunette. She was looking up at him with those big "do me now" eyes, and I was pretty sure that Peter probably wasn't picking up the signals. My stomach heaved again and I got up and stumbled over to him.

When I approached he turned to look at me. "Hey, what's up?"

"I think it's time to go," I slurred. I could have left on my own, but misery loves company, and considering his massive cockblock earlier this evening, I felt like paying it forward.

"Really?" he asked, his expression incredulous and pleading at the same time. "I mean…really?"

"Yeah, I'm wasted. Let's go." If he was smart he'd tell me to fuck off, or at the very least, tell me to wait a few minutes and then drag the chick to the bathroom for a quick bit of vertical love. Of course he wasn't smart, and if he was willing put up with my childish bullshit, I was just going to keep on dishing it. I _was _drunk, after all.

"All right, where's James?"

I nodded back toward the table without looking away. I was feeling a little dizzy, so I leaned against the wall next to Peter's new friend. When she looked up at me, I smiled a big dimply one. "Hey…" I said with a wink. She wasn't half bad.

"Okay, go get James, I'll meet you out front." Peter sounded a little frustrated and a little desperate.

"You get James," I replied, keeping my eyes on the girl in front of me.

"Jasper." Peter's voice was clipped and slowly my head turned away from the girl and back to him.

"Yeah, yeah." I begrudgingly pushed off the wall, deciding that I was too drunk to continue fucking with Peter. "It was a pleasure," I said to Peter's girl, with another wink. She just stared at me for a moment, like I was some kind of train wreck.

"Yeah, you too," she finally said as I backed away.

I stumbled past the table James was standing at and tugged his shirt as I went. "Jimmy!"

James appeared outside a moment after me and then a few minutes later, Peter came out.

"Christ, you're sloppy," he said, shaking his head and pulling his glasses off. "Do we need to get a cab?"

"Nah, let's walk it off. So, who was the lucky lady?"

"Just drop it."

"No, no, I'm serious, it's so rare to see you laying game at a bar. She must be special."

"Fuck off. She's a nice girl, she works at the coffee shop near my place—I've talked to her before."

"Figures. Listen, I'm gonna take a cab home. I'll come back for Pearl tomorrow," I said as I stepped up to the curb and extended my arm. I could see headlights ahead, but I wasn't sure if any of them were cabs.

Peter followed me. "Listen, J…"

I decided to just put him out of his misery. "Relax, Pete—it's fine. You know you're right… I just want to sleep in a bed and not on your couch."

He nodded, and it looked as though he wanted to add something but a cab pulled up, so instead he took a step back as I climbed in. "I'll see you tomorrow, then." I think I nodded, and waved goodbye to James.

I could admit that Peter was probably right. He had no reason to purposely sabotage me or my relationship with Bella… he was just better able to look at things from an outside perspective, and not from a totally selfish one, like mine. But even though I could admit that he was right, I couldn't stop myself from still wanting her, or at least wanting the opportunity to tell her how I felt.

But when you really want something, when you're convinced that you need to have it, and when you're focused on it nearly 24x7, a funny thing happens. It's like that Oprah shit—the Secret or whatever. When you really want something, the universe will bring it to you, even if it means fucking over a bunch of other people to do so. You don't realize the domino effect at the time, but while you're wishing for this or that, and the universe is conspiring to make it all fall in to place for you, it's also uprooting shit left and right, elsewhere.

All I needed was an excuse. Something that would give me a reason to go to her—a reason that would absolve me of any blame or at the very least, disguise my pathetic, selfish agenda.

Not much more than a month later, the universe gave me my excuse. I was granted my audience with Bella, and only at the expense of pretty much my entire fucking family.

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**Please come play on the Twi thread or in my cabin on A Different Forest. Links for both in my profile. Feel free to yell at me! **

**Happy Holidays! **


	26. Ephesians 5:11 13

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended. **

**Legna989 not only betaed, but gave me a ton of legal advice on this chapter. It's pretty awesome when your beta is a lawyer and also knows just about everything. **

**Thanks to ElleCC and RedVelvetHeaven for pre-reads (and to Elle for offering this chap's Bible verse), and to Beegurl13 for offering some Phoenix knowledge. **

**Warning: This chapter contains very vague references to sexual abuse, including sexual abuse of a minor.

* * *

**

_"Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them._

_For it is a shame even to speak of those things which are done of them in secret._

_But all things become visible when they are exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light."_

_**Ephesians 5:11-13

* * *

**_

_**Bella Swan**_

"I'm not even discussing this, Edward," I snapped, hugging the bed sheet to my chest as I sat up and scanned his room for my shirt, my shorts, anything. I spotted my t-shirt draped over the back of his desk chair, and I swung my leg over the side of the bed to get up. Edward grabbed my forearm and tugged me gently back.

"Where are you going?"

"Not that I'm even willing to discuss this, but if I were, it's not a discussion I want to have naked." After the initial shock of his declaration wore off, I felt bothered by the tiny inkling of excitement it mustered in me. Most of me knew it was completely ridiculous and crazy, but a part of me felt almost _relieved._

He chuckled, as if I was just being silly with him. "Don't get dressed. Just calm down and maybe listen to my reasoning?"

"No. You're going to New York in the fall. That's it. End of story." I was curious about Edward's reasoning, but the thought of him staying here for me, and possibly risking his acceptance with Julliard, was bordering on horrifying. His family would hate me, his friends would hate me, _I _would hate me—if there was even a remote possibility that I was the cause of this ridiculous decision.

"I've already told my parents, Bella. You're right; we're not discussing it. It's my decision."

I turned to face him, frowning. "You told them? What did they say? I swear to God, Edward, if you don't go in the fall, I will break up with you."

He yanked me back down and then pulled me into his arms. "No, I don't think you will," he murmured, brushing his lips across mine and then down along my jaw.

"Edward," I whimpered, attempting to sound cautionary, "this is serious, stop trying to distract me. What did your parents say?"

"Carlisle flipped," he said, nipping at my ear. "My mom flipped too, I guess, only more quietly."

"Oh God, they probably hate me. Is this what you want? Your parents and everyone you know to resent me for the rest of their lives?"

Edward pulled back and his eyes scanned my face for a moment. "No, Bella, it has nothing to do with you. I've made that clear. I mean, yeah, my decision has to do with you, of course, but they know that you aren't part of it. I told them you'd probably flip, too."

I sat up again and turned to face him. A lazy smile spread across his face and I grabbed the sheet to cover myself. "I'm not going anywhere, Edward. Don't you believe that? You need to go, we'll figure out how to make it work. This has been your dream forever."

I was practically pleading with him, and not only because I wanted to save face with his family, but also because I really meant it. I didn't want Edward giving up something like this for me—I didn't want to be one of _those _teenage couples, the ones who forsake their futures because they're in love or lust or whatever.

I had faith in my feelings for Edward, and in his for me, but I knew how it would look to everyone else, and I knew that nothing is ever guaranteed, regardless of distance.

"Bella, you need to look at this from my perspective. Julliard was a dream in the absence of other dreams. Julliard isn't going anywhere. Don't you get what I'm saying? I'm going to go, just not in the fall. They _will _accept me again next year. Bella, they were practically salivating for me, and for my parents' money. One of my recommendation letters was from the conductor of the Phoenix Symphony, for Christ's sake, and the director of said symphony has also offered me an internship at any time I please, should I wish to take it. Julliard _will_ be there next year. All I am saying is that I'm not ready to leave yet. And yeah, it's mostly about you, but I mean really…really it's kind of not."

"What do you mean?" I asked, already feeling myself getting grudgingly pulled into his logic. When he'd confirmed that his decision to stay was "mostly about me" I could help but feel a bit of a thrill that he cared enough about me that he would alter his plans just so he could be with me. I didn't know if he realized what a huge commitment that was, but I certainly did—regardless of whether or not I approved of his decision.

"Fuck, Bella, I'm just really happy right now. It feels good, and I know that leaving you in the fall is going to be miserable. I don't feel like being miserable, I don't feel like being alone, and I don't feel like missing you. Not so soon.

"Listen, I'm gonna go to New York, there is no question. But I want to give us a year. I want to go feeling established and…who knows, maybe…" He trailed off for a moment and then sat up. Leaning into me, he pressed his lips firmly against mine. When I opened my mouth, he ran the tip of his tongue over my bottom lip, grazing mine briefly before pulling away. "Maybe you'll be thinking about going to school out east, too. And even if you're not, at least we'll have that year under our belts."

"Edward, of course I'd think about going to school in New York, but I mean…not that I think this way, but what if it didn't work out or whatever? I mean, you stay and then… what if we were to break up?"

He shrugged and leaned back against the headboard. "Well, I'd still go to New York the following year, and at least I'd be free to date hot socialites and FIT students."

I laughed and collapsed on top of him. "And what will you do in the fall? Work at Wal-Mart?"

His chest rumbled with laughter as he slipped his fingers beneath my hair and began to gently rub my back. "I'll take the symphony internship later this summer and continue it until the spring semester. Then I'll probably do some general Music and English credits at ASU and then transfer to Julliard next year."

I drew circles on his chest and thought about his plan. It certainly sounded feasible, and he seemed pretty committed to it, but I couldn't bear to give my outright approval. It needed to be his decision completely, and I knew that if I even hinted that I wanted him here, it would definitely solidify his choice.

"I don't know, Edward. I just… I just want you to know that you being far away wouldn't change anything. I want you to do whatever you want to, without being influenced by what you think I want."

"I have, Bella. This is my choice, and I'd like it if you'd just support me and dial down the condescension a bit. I'm not just some lovesick puppy, or some horny teenager."

I sat up on my elbow and frowned at him. "I do support you. I do, Edward. It doesn't mean I have to agree, though. I just wish you'd think about it."

Somewhere, deep down, I admitted to myself that I liked the idea of him staying, of us being together and then possibly going to go to New York together the following year. I'd admit it out loud, and to him, eventually, but I couldn't do that until I was sure he'd made his decision—all on his own.

"I'll tell you what…" he started, reading the hesitancy on my face. "I'll hold off on notifying Julliard. I'll think about it a little longer, okay?" He offered, as he propped himself up to face me.

I squashed the little stirring of disappointment in my stomach before it could bubble up and possibly show itself. _A little consistency would be nice right now, Bella_.

Instead, I murmured, "Okay, deal," as I leaned forward to kiss him. We remained there, leaning into each for a few moments before he nudged me back and rolled on top of me.

"Again?" I asked, giggling as his fingers tickled the inside of my thighs.

"Are you telling me you're not up for it?" He smirked before ducking his head to run his lips over my collarbone.

"No, no, I'm up for it, I'm up for it. But what was that you were saying about not being a horny teenager?"

He smiled a wicked smile as he reached into his nightstand drawer. "Oh, I absolutely am, but not _just._"

. . .

A week after the whole college discussion and a little over a month into our summer vacation, it was a sunny, hot, Sunday morning and Edward and I were heading back to his place after having breakfast with his parents at the Phoenician.

Thankfully, they didn't seem to hate me after the bomb Edward had dropped on them. Carlisle had come around a bit, and the night before, he'd told Edward that ultimately it was his choice, and they wouldn't give him a hard time about it. But he was relieved that Edward had agreed to think a bit more about it, and that he hadn't informed Julliard yet. When Edward made a comment about doing something in the fall and I responded, "Sure, if you're here," I didn't miss Carlisle's approving glance in my direction. I did what I could to show my disapproval, even if deep down, I was getting more used to the idea of Edward being around.

Edward, however, seemed completely at peace with his decision and his good mood was contagious, and probably partially responsible for defusing things with his parents. Emmett, of course, called Edward an idiot when he first told him, but the great thing about Emmett is that he didn't harp on shit very much. He let it go pretty quickly, and when we were playing video games the other night and Edward got up to get food, Emmett turned to me, his face surprisingly serious.

"You make him really happy, B," he said matter-of-factly. "It's good stuff. Don't give him too hard of a time about the college stuff, okay? He's just all blissed out on Bella and shit. He knows what he's doing, though. He's a smart guy."

I nodded and strangely, Emmett's reassurance and acceptance put me truly at ease for the first time since the topic had been brought up. "That was a tender moment, Emmett," I responded after a moment, snickering.

"Yeah well, I'm a fucking sensitive guy, you know? Now, fire up the Wii Fit. I like watching your ass while you play the ski jump game."

"Creep!" I huffed, teasingly. I whipped my half full water bottle at him and he dodged it and then belted me hard with a couch cushion. "Ow!" I yelped, rubbing my arm.

"Girl, you're looking at the quarterback for Notre Dame football. Don't be getting into a throwing fight with me."

"Second string, Emmett. You forgot to add second string, " I teased.

"Yeah, well, everyone's gotta start somewhere. Besides, you couldn't make third string women's volleyball at Phoenix Community College, little girl, so I wouldn't exactly be flapping my gums if I were you," he shot back, mussing my hair as he headed over to the TV set up the game.

I smiled to myself at the memory and when I snapped out of it, Edward was looking over at me with an amused expression.

"What are you all smiley about?" he asked as he reached over to squeeze my thigh.

"Nothing I just… I really like your family," I said, smiling back at him.

"Good. Even Emmett?"

"Yeah, Emmett is great. You know you love him."

He laughed. "Just don't ever lend the guy any money. And I'm glad. They like you, too."

I placed my hand over his on my thigh and then flipped it over. I watched as my fingers moved across his palm and when I looked back up, we were just coming up to the gigantic sign in front of Reverend Hale's massive church.

The sign read "Phoenix Baptist Church," in flashy embossed letters, and had an electronic board underneath with a blinking message that changed, I assumed, weekly. Today it merely said "Jesus Saves."

I almost chuckled out loud, thinking of how ironic it was that this man was the father of Jasper Hale.

The church was an ivory color, dome-shaped and huge, almost like a stadium. It had a gigantic parking lot that was mostly full every Sunday. It was a little bit of the south, here in Arizona. I wouldn't have been surprised if most people attended the church just due to the novelty of it being televised.

As we approached the church, my eyes scanned over the rows and rows of cars in the parking lot, the sun reflecting off of their shiny paint jobs. I was focused on the glinting pattern when I caught another type of flickering light out of the corner of my eye. I shifted my gaze to the front of the church to see several police cars parked right in front, along with at least three or four news vans.

"Edward," I said, sitting up straight and twisting my body toward the window. "Look at this, there are a bunch of police cars and news vans out front of Reverend Hale's church."

Edward leaned forward a bit and glanced out his window before turning his eyes back to the road. "That's odd, I wonder what happened. Maybe someone had a heart attack or something, praising Jesus too vigorously," he chuckled.

I frowned. "I didn't see an ambulance. Why would there be news people there?"

"They're probably doing something—a special event or whatever—and the police are probably just there to keep shit in order."

I nodded as I turned to look back at the church, but I still felt uneasy. I couldn't imagine what could have happened, though, to bring the cops to the church, and Edward's theory did seem pretty plausible, so I tried to ignore the odd feeling in the pit of my stomach.

When we got home, we were barely in the door, at the garage entrance to the house, before Edward had me pressed against the washing machine.

"Wait, I want to watch the news real quick and see if they say anything about the church," I said, trying to slip past Edward as his hand moved over my hip and squeezed my ass.

"Bella," he hummed against my neck. "No one's home."

His other hand slipped just beneath my tank top and his fingers tickled my belly. I struggled weakly against him and gave up completely when he pressed his hips into mine. His lips found mine and we opened our mouths immediately. The hand on my stomach moved up until it was pushing my bra up and exploring the flesh beneath it.

My hand roamed his stomach as well, before moving lower to caress the growing bulge in his jeans. He groaned loudly into my mouth and I felt him harden even further. The hand on my ass moved back over my hip and came to rest between my legs. He pushed his fingers into me and then began to rub. My knees buckled and I leaned back against the washing machine.

"Let's go upstairs," I gasped as he continued the relentless assault between my legs.

"Why not right here?" he asked, his voice low and gravelly in my ear.

"Someone could come home!" I whimpered, squeezing him over his jeans.

His fingers moved to the button of my shorts and he flicked it open and tugged down the zipper before stuffing his hand into them. "I don't care," he nearly growled. "I think you need it right _now_."

My eyes rolled back but I wrapped my fingers around his wrist and pulled on it. "Upstairs, Edward."

We made it to the hall bathroom before Edward pushed me against the door, causing it to slam back against the wall. He kissed me roughly and then turned me around and pushed me into the bathroom and back against the counter.

"What's gotten in to you?" I whispered against his lips.

He kicked the door shut and then turned the fan on, and by the time he turned back to me, I had my shirt and bra off and was working on my shorts. He smirked and pulled his wallet out to retrieve a condom from it.

"You. You've gotten into me."

When he had it in his hand he tossed the wallet on the counter and then I helped him out of his jeans and boxers. He lifted me onto the counter and I wrapped my legs around his waist and leaned back against the mirror as he pushed into me.

"Just think about how much more we'll get to do this if I'm here this year," he murmured before leaning forward to kiss my breasts.

I smiled, and threaded my fingers into his hair. "You make a very good point," I responded, tugging his hair to bring him up for a kiss.

After we finished and as soon as we'd caught our breath, we washed up and re-dressed and Edward checked the hall before we went back out and headed to his room. He flopped himself down on his bed and then handed me the TV remote as I climbed onto the bed.

"_Now_ you can watch the news," he said with a smirk.

I turned on the TV and flipped to channel ten and then crawled into Edward's open arms.

"Look, look, that's the church. See? Something happened," I said as I turned up the volume.

"…_wife Sara-Jane Hale could not be reached for comment. This is the scene from earlier this morning as Reverend William Hale was led, handcuffed, from his church, less than fifteen minutes after his second Sunday service. Hundreds of his congregation looked on in shock as their trusted pastor was helped into the backseat of a waiting police cruiser."_

I sat upright in bed and my mouth dropped open as I watched the images of a very distraught looking Reverend Hale being led out of the church, arms behind his back, by two police officers. He kept his head down and away from the cameras; his normally impeccable, slicked-back blonde hair was messy and his shirt slightly rumpled.

I turned to Edward, who sat up slowly, the color slowly draining from his face.

"What happened?" I asked.

He shushed me and grabbed the remote to turn the volume up higher.

"_Minutes after the arrest, Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, had this to say regarding this shocking turn of events_."

The image on screen switched from an attractive blond news anchor to what appeared to be an impromptu press conference, being held by an older, spectacled, overweight man, presumably Joe Arpaio, wearing a cowboy hat and beige sheriff's uniform. His voice was gruff and stern as he explained the situation.

"_Reverend William Hale was arrested today on charges of Continuous Sexual Abuse of a Child and Sexual Conduct with a Minor. Now, we're not going to name the victim, but we will say that at this time, only one person has come forward. Given that Reverend Hale is a public figure and has a congregation full of minors, we strongly encourage any person out there to come forward if they have been victimized by this man. Your privacy will be respected, and your identity will not be revealed, I can assure you that. I can also assure you that just because Reverend Hale is public figure, a man of the church, and a respected member of society, he will receive absolutely no special treatment from the Sheriff's office. We have obtained search warrants for the Hale residence, as well as the Phoenix Baptist Church, and those searches will be executed immediately. Thank you."_

A jumble of frantic voices began questioning Sheriff Arpaio, but he just waved them off and stepped away from the microphone.

I turned in what felt like slow motion, terrified to look at Edward but needing to see his face. He swallowed thickly and continued to stare at the screen as they replayed the footage. I'd never seen an expression so horrified and helpless on anyone. He brought a hand to his forehead and then pushed it back into his hair. Finally he turned to face me, his eyes glassy.

They burned into mine as he choked out, "Rosalie."

It was what I'd been thinking the whole time, but a chill ran from the top of my spine to my fingers and toes when he said it. I shivered, and Edward suddenly lurched forward and then climbed off the end of the bed and bolted out the door. I jumped up and followed him.

He dropped to his knees in the bathroom, in front of the toilet. He knelt there, staring straight ahead for a moment before he doubled over and retched. I dropped to my knees behind him and rubbed his back, wincing as he gagged over and over.

I thought about Jasper, and a lump rose in my throat as well. What did he think of all this? Had he known anything? What would he do?

I continued to rub Edward's back until the heaving stopped. He rested against the toilet for a minute to catch his breath before reaching up to flush it. He collapsed back against the bathtub and I crawled over to him, sitting back on my heels between his legs. I pushed his hair back and watched his face, which was almost blank now as he panted and swallowed.

"Baby, say something," I pleaded, terrified by the look in his eyes.

"I'm a fucking horrible person," he finally blurted, looking away from me.

"Edward, don't. You didn't know," I rubbed his arm, and I tried to comfort him, but really I just wanted to crawl in his lap. The horror of what we'd just heard on the news was too great to comprehend.

I thought of how much I had hated her.

I thought of the part of me, deep down, that had been sickly satisfied that Edward had chosen me.

All the horrible things she'd said to me seemed to pale in comparison to the guilt I felt for hating someone who'd been the victim of such a horrendous crime. I couldn't have known, and yet, for some reason that did not placate the burgeoning shame inside me. Why had I never considered any alternate explanation for why she was so mean?

I barely knew the girl, I never had a friendship with her, and yet suddenly I felt as if I'd been grossly negligent with her. I could only imagine what was happening inside of Edward's mind. And thinking about that made me think about Jasper. What was _he _going through right now? My heart sank as I tried to imagine the guilt and the horror that he and his mother would probably be feeling. I pushed it away and pulled myself from my own shame spiral, because right now I had to focus on Edward.

I reached out grabbed his face. "Edward, you can't…you can't waste your time being angry at yourself. If you had known, of course you would have done some things differently."

His eyes snapped to mine. The narrowed and the color appeared darker, more intense, almost like a hunter green. "Bella, if anyone ever did that to you…I think I'd kill them. I don't know what I'd do. I can't even think about it."

I just watched him, unsure of how to respond.

"I should have done that for Rosalie, regardless of how things were between us. Fuck, that probably explains a lot of how things were between us. I can name you about ten fucking examples of behavior from her, or things that she said…. I can name you _ten fucking examples_ right now that would point to this exact thing. How the fuck did I not see it? Do you know what kind of person that makes me?"

I dug my fingers into his jaw and shook my head as tears filled my eyes, blurring my vision. "No, Edward, you see all that now because you know what happened. This isn't your fault—whether you saw the signs or not, what _happened_ is not your fault. I find it hard to believe that Jasper or Mrs. Hale knew and they live with her, Edward. They _live _with her and they've known her for much longer."

He just shook his head and looked away from me as tears began to roll down his cheeks. "Why did she never say anything? Did I make her feel like she couldn't say anything? She was always…freaking out. The crying fits. I just got so exasperated because I never understood them. Did I make her feel like she couldn't talk to me?"

"Baby, please," I whimpered. I wanted to be there for him but I had no idea what to say, or think, or how to deal with this at all. I wanted to be strong for him but instead I crawled into his lap and pressed my face into his neck. I got myself as close to him as I possibly could until finally he wrapped his arms around me. His grip tightened until he was squeezing me against him, rocking me gently. I sighed in relief, because it started to feel like he was actually present again.

We sat like that for god only knows how long. Finally, I felt his lips press against the top of my head. "Bella, I've got to take you home."

"What?" I asked, pulling away and looking up at him.

"I've got to do something. I've got to…I don't know, I've got to go see her."

I nodded, but then thought the better of it. "Edward, maybe it isn't the best time. The family is probably pretty upset; they said they are going to be searching the house and I bet there are cameras and stuff there…I just think maybe you should let things cool off a bit."

He nodded but still shifted me so that he could get up. "Fine, but…I need to talk to my dad, I think. I just-"

I cut him off. "It's okay, it's fine. I'll go home. Just call me later tonight, okay?"

He nodded and as I stepped past him to head for the door, he pulled me back. "Bella, this doesn't change things, you know that, right?"

I looked up at him. He was addressing a worry I'd barely even allowed myself to feel. "Huh?"

"Between you and me—it's not changing anything between us. I was a shitty boyfriend to Rosalie, and there were a lot of reasons for that, but the very least I can be there for her as a friend."

I nodded and wrapped my arms around his waist. "I know, Edward. And I'm glad you want to be."

"And you realize that there's no way I'm going away in the fall?"

I felt ashamed of the relief that flooded through me. Right now I selfishly couldn't imagine him anywhere but here. I nodded and stood on my tiptoes, tilting my head up to kiss him but he backed away.

"I think I'd better brush my teeth first."

I laughed quietly and he smiled and turned toward the sink. I headed back into his room to grab my things. I grabbed his keys and wallet as well and met him in the hallway. Just as we got downstairs, Emmett walked in the front door.

He raised an eyebrow at us. "Alone, upstairs, unsupervised? Tsk."

"Emmett, have you heard the news at all today?'

His face changed instantly. "No. What's up?"

Edward nodded toward the family room and Emmett followed. Edward flipped on the TV and turned it to the local news station. The footage of the arrest was on in a box, in the corner, and video of a reporter in front of the Hales' house on the main screen. The caption at the bottom of the screen read: _Breaking News: Reverend William Hale arrested for Sexual Abuse._

Edward and I watched Emmett's face as he watched the television. After a moment he gasped, "Fuck," and dropped into the recliner in front of the TV. He sat at the edge, eyes still glued to the TV and then when the station went to commercial he turned to us, his expression mimicking Edward's from just after he'd heard the news.

"What the fuck?" he asked no one in particular. He stood up and walked across the room and then turned back, "I knew it."

Edward's brow furrowed. "How could you know?" His hand clenched into a fist and I knew he was feeling terrible all over again. I grabbed it and squeezed.

"I mean I didn't know it was this. I knew it was something. Just recently, we were talking and she said some shit that just didn't sit well. I told her that whatever was going on, she needed to talk to someone. I mean, you know how Rosalie is, she acts weird about shit—she has these crazy overreactions. I just told her that nothing would ever feel right if she didn't sort her shit out… but I didn't mean… I mean I didn't know how heavy it was."

"See?" Edward said, turning to me. "Emmett hangs out with her for like maybe two months and he sees it."

I opened my mouth but Emmett spoke. "It's different, E. She's different with me, and she's different since you broke up. I don't let her pull that emotional bullshit with me. I told her she needed to start owning her feelings. It was like, this big talk and shit. It's…she's been different since all this shit between you two went down, that's all."

Edward shook his head and Emmett began pacing again. "But if I had any inkling that _this _was what was fucking her up? Goddamn. That sick fucking bastard." Emmett's face started to get red and he his breathing became heavier. "Did they say how long this shit has been going on?"

"Well," I started, "they charged him with Sexual Abuse of a Child...so…"

I flinched when Emmett's fist hit the wall. "Motherfucker," he spat before hitting the underside of a shelf that was bolted to the wall, sending picture frames and trinkets clattering to the floor.

Something about his anger—about his helplessness—just got to me, and I burst into tears. I couldn't stand watching either of them like this. Edward grabbed me and pulled me into his arms. "You're upsetting Bella, Em, fucking calm yourself down."

Emmett turned to me, his expression twisted with remorse and sadness and hurt and all kinds of terrible things. "Bella, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

I shook my head against Edward's chest and tried to pull away but he was holding me too tightly. "No, Emmett, it's okay, it's just…it's all so awful."

Edward rubbed my back and then slowly released me. "I'm gonna go find Dad. I think they're still probably playing tennis at the Phoenician. You want to come?" I noted that again he referred to Carlisle as "Dad"—something Edward rarely did.

Emmett nodded and we all headed out to the car. "We're dropping Bella off at home first."

As I grabbed the handle on the back door of the passenger side, Emmett gripped my arm. "Bella, I really didn't mean to upset you or scare you."

"You didn't, Em," I said quietly. "If I was as strong as you, I'd have done the same thing."

He smiled gratefully and climbed into the front seat.

On the way home I got several texts from Alice, the first asking if I'd heard the news, and when I responded that we had, she wrote:

_It's terrible. How did Edward take it? Have you heard from Jasper?_

I replied:

_I can't believe it. Badly, and no, I haven't_.

Again my mind wandered to Jasper. I knew he had friends that he could sort of talk to, like Peter or Felix, and maybe even James, but I wondered if he would feel comfortable going to them about something like this. I wondered if he even understood that he _needed _to talk to someone. I could very easily imagine him getting _angry_—in fact, I worried about how he'd deal with the police searching his home and I just prayed that he would keep himself in check and not get into trouble—but it was harder to imagine him dealing with his confusion and hurt in a productive way, like talking.

I was almost tempted to send him a message with an offer to be there for him if he needed someone, but I decided to hold off and just see how things played out for the rest of the day first. While I'd moved on from the disappointment I held over the way things ended with us a little over two months ago, we certainly hadn't been on speaking terms since then, and I just didn't want to complicate things—for either of us.

Just before we pulled up at my house she wrote again saying to keep her posted, that she'd do the same, and also to call her later if I had a chance.

Edward parked and walked me to my door. He grabbed my hands and leaned down to kiss me. When he pulled back, he moved his hands to my hips.

"You're completely perfect—do you realize that?"

I tugged on one of his belt loops. "Edward, I'm like…secure, okay? You don't need to reassure me, I know what's up."

He laughed a little and pulled me closer. "I know, and that's why you're perfect. Bella, I don't know what I would have done if I'd been watching TV without you there. I just want you to know that you were great."

I failed to stop the smile from spreading across my face. "It'll be okay. Now that it's out there, she can get better."

He nodded and looked back at the car. "I'd better go."

"Call me later."

He ducked down for another kiss and then I went inside.

Renee was all over me the minute I got in the door, having seen the news as well. After she kissed me and hugged me and asked me if I was okay sixteen times, she and Phil sat me down in the living room and asked me a bunch of embarrassing questions about what went on whenever I went to Jasper's place. When they were satisfied with my answers, they finally allowed me to go up to my room.

I spent most of the day up there, just listening to music, thinking about things and worrying about Edward, and even about Jasper. I talked to Alice and Jess for a little bit, but no one knew anything so all we did was basically speculate and talk about how bad we felt for hating Rosalie so much.

I ate dinner with Phil and Renee, who was clearly trying to repent for letting me go over to the Hales' by cooking too much food and kissing me on the head a lot. By the late evening, I was completely exhausted and I ended up crashing just after getting off the phone with Edward, around nine-thirty.

The next day, Renee was at work and Phil was doing something baseball-related, so I mostly ambled around the house, trying to keep myself busy while waiting for Edward to call. He said he was going to try to see Rosalie today, so I wasn't sure if I'd hear from him until much later.

Shortly after lunch, the doorbell rang. When I opened the door, I was barely surprised to find Jasper standing on the other side. Under any other circumstance his wild hair and red-rimmed eyes would have shocked me, but I think deep down, I almost expected this. I was _glad_, even, to see him here, because it meant he was not out doing something crazy, and maybe even it meant that, for once, he was might be willing to talk about things.

Still, I had no idea what to say. Luckily, he spoke first. "Renee and Phil home?" he asked, sounding not even remotely like himself.

I shook my head, watching him.

"Can I come in?"

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**This chapter was too big to be contained by one update. I'm splitting it in two, and since it's split, both will be in BPOV.**

**Also, I participated in Twilighted's Free For All Friday last friday. It was a SoaPM AU out-take. In case you missed it, you can find it here: **

**http://twilighted(dot)net/viewstory(dot)php?sid=4327&chapter=40**


	27. Deuteronomy 30:19

**Disclaimer: I do not own **_**Twilight.**_** No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Thanks to Legna for a speedy beta job and the bible quote which we've been waiting forever to use. Much love to ElleCC and RedVelvetHeaven for the pre-reads. **

**Warning: There are some vague references to sexual abuse in this chapter.

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**

_"Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make."_

_**Deuteronomy 30:19

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**_

_**Bella Swan**_

"Yeah," I responded, pulling the door open a little wider. "Okay."

Jasper hesitated on the porch for a moment, pushing a hand back through his disheveled hair. His eyes didn't meet mine. "I, uh, I didn't really know where to go." He coughed a little and then slowly looked up to meet my gaze.

I stepped back, leaning against the open door. "Come on in," I responded, trying to keep my voice level.

He nodded and tentatively stepped inside. I'd never seen him like this before—he was usually so cool, so unflappable. His blue eyes normally held a wicked twinkle, as if he was about to tell a joke or play a trick, but now they were dull and flat, glassy and bloodshot.

He followed me into the kitchen and then I led him to the couch in the family room. "Take a seat," I said, gesturing to the sofa.

I went back to the kitchen and grabbed one of Phil's beers from the fridge. He'd probably notice that it was gone, but I didn't really care. I felt like Jasper probably needed it.

I handed the beer to him and he smiled up at me. "Thanks, aren't you just a perfect little hostess."

I couldn't tell if he was just teasing or if it was sarcasm I heard in his voice so I just smiled and sat down on the couch next to him.

He twisted the cap off the beer and tossed it on the coffee table before taking a long sip. He studied the inside of the bottle for moment before placing it on the coffee table.

"Jasper," I started, my voice almost a whisper. "Are you okay?"

My eyes studied his profile as he stared straight ahead, presumably at nothing. Finally, he shook his head minutely. "If I had been there, I swear to God, I would have killed him."

The simple statement sparked a thousand questions in my mind but I tried to quickly sort them and find the ones that were most important. "How is she, Jasper?"

He turned to me. "She's…a mess. It's...you can't possibly imagine how fucked up this all is."

I nodded, because in some ways it was true, I couldn't really imagine what it would be like to actually go through that. As I stared into Jasper's empty, helpless eyes and tried to imagine what Rosalie must be going through, I was overcome with the urge to hug my mother and Phil, and to call my father and thank him for not being a disgusting pervert. I couldn't imagine how it would feel to be betrayed and violated in such a way. To whom do you turn to when you can't even trust your own parents?

"How did you know, anyway? That it was Rosalie?" he asked, looking back at the bottle on the table.

"Edward's reaction, mostly. He was certain, as soon as he heard it on the news. And just…I don't know, I guess no one else-" I stopped short when a thought exploded in my head, something that had never even crossed my mind since I heard the news. I felt ashamed that it had never occurred to me before.

"Oh God…Jasper…did he-"

Jasper put his hand up to silence me as he shook his head violently. "No—no, no way. Are you kidding me? I'd have fucking killed him the moment he tried."

I shifted closer to him on the couch. I wanted to comfort him in some way, physically, but I had no idea what would be appropriate. "Jasper, if you were younger and you couldn't…no one would judge you or think any less of you. This happens all the time and-"

He jumped up off the couch and crossed the room. He stood in front of the fireplace mantle, his back to me. "No, Bella, I'm not being some antsy victim here, okay? He didn't fucking touch me. I'm sure it was only his contempt for me that prevented him from having the desire to."

I slid back on the couch and pulled my legs to my chest and then leaned forward and rested my hands on my shins. I watched him in silence for a moment as he stared at, or through, a photo on the mantle.

"He hated me, probably because I complicated things for him. He was probably worried that I would find out, or that Rosalie would tell me, and then I'd put a stop to it." He took a deep breath and then turned around. "But I guess he didn't have to worry did he? 'Cause I was too caught up in my own shit to even notice what he was doing to my fucking baby sister, in our house, under my fucking nose."

I dropped my legs back down and got up from the couch. When I was in front of him, I hesitated for a moment before placing my hands on his forearms. "Jasper, it's not so hard to believe that you didn't see. I mean, I don't know how long…but you were in Texas most of the time they were here anyway. It wouldn't have been hard to miss the signs."

"Yeah?" he snapped. "Like when she'd call me crying and begging me to move here? Like those signs?"

"How were you supposed to know the reasons why she did that? She was a teenage girl—we're pretty damn hormonal, I'm told. And you—you were a twenty-something year old guy, a teenager when they moved, right? Why the hell would your mind go to that conclusion first? Of course all this stuff makes more sense now that you know."

"Bella, I should have protected her. I don't care if I should or shouldn't have known or what-the-fuck-ever. I should have protected her and I didn't. And I knew that fucking son-of-a-bitch was an evil bastard. I knew he fucking acted weird with her I just…" he trailed off and looked down at the ground between us.

"You just couldn't imagine he was _that _evil? You just couldn't imagine he'd be capable of something like that? That's normal. You shouldn't be able to believe that your father could do something like that.

"And besides, if he thought you were such a threat, why did he make you come to Phoenix? Why wouldn't he want you to stay in San Antonio?"

"He only made me come back when I'd gotten into enough trouble, like when I'd gotten arrested and shit. As soon I had enough of a reputation that it began to sully his good name in town. Believe me, he wasn't enthusiastic about me living with them again."

"Why do you two dislike each other so much? When did it start?"

"I don't know, Bella, I feel like we've been butting heads forever. Ever since I grew up and learned that father doesn't always know best. This, fuck, this just takes the cake, though. I knew he was a self-righteous, fake, fucking hypocritical bastard, but even I never imagined he could be this fucking evil."

"Well, probably no one did. No one but Rosalie," I said quietly. My heart broke for her all over again. I tried to think back to the angry girl I saw when I first met her, the girl who told me lies and treated me like a piece of garbage. Now I realized that maybe that anger was because I was taking away her protectors. First Jasper, and then Edward. I felt disgusted with myself, even if I couldn't have known, either—even if I was never really trying to take anything from her.

Jasper pulled me from my thoughts when he looked down at me and asked, "You said Edward was sure when he heard. How was he so sure?"

I shrugged. "Just…the way she acted I guess; when he found out that your dad had done this, suddenly it seemed like Rosalie was the most obvious person…"

"He didn't ever… I don't remember you being alone in the house, but he wasn't ever _weird_ with you was he?" Jasper asked with an almost pained expression.

I shook my head vigorously, cringing internally at the mere suggestion. "No, no, never."

He sighed, but the look of relief on his face only lasted for a moment. "To be honest, I don't even know how far-reaching this thing is. I don't know if Rose was the only one or if..." He trailed off and squeezed his eyes shut. He turned away from me and my hands dropped to my sides as he pulled himself from my loose grip.

When he brought his hands to his scalp and rubbed his fingers roughly over it, I stopped worrying about what was right or what was appropriate. This wasn't about Jasper and me right now—he needed someone, and he chose to come to me and I wouldn't hold back on comforting him just because I felt weird about our relationship.

I slipped my arms beneath his and wrapped them around his waist and then rested my head against his back. "Did she tell you? Were you the one who told the cops?"

I felt his back rumble with a dark chuckle before he pulled away from me. "Of course not, why would she come to me? I've never given her any reason to trust me. She told our fucking _housekeeper_, Bella. She went over to her house and told her and Dottie fucking took Rosalie to the police station."

"You mean she didn't even tell your mom?"

He shook his head and sat down in the recliner across from the couch. "My mom still doesn't believe it's true. She thinks Rosalie is confused or something. She's fucking hysterical."

"Oh God. She doesn't believe her? Did she tell her that?"

"She's too hysterical to even deal with it right now and Rose hasn't exactly said much. Plus, there've been fucking news people at our house since Sunday morning and the cops came to search and Child Services or some shit was there, and it's just fucking chaos.

"Bella, my mom's a few beers short of a six-pack on a good day, y'know? And she's been brainwashed by my father since they were in high school. I don't think she wants to be insensitive; she's just incapable of believing he could do this."

I sat down on the edge of the coffee table in front of him and grabbed the beer. I took a swig before speaking. "I get that, Jasper, but you need to _help_ her believe Rose. She needs at least one of her parents to look out for her."

He smiled a little and stood up. "Gimme that beer," he said yanking it from my hands. He took a long pull and then set the bottle back down on the table. He sat next to me on the edge and as I watched his eyes move across my face, I felt something shift in the air between us. Before I could even attempt to process it, he grabbed my jaw, slipped his fingers into the hair behind my ear and kissed me.

It was wet and urgent and hungry and a second later, after I'd recovered from the shock, I turned my face away. His lips dragged across my cheek and his grip was firm, preventing me from pulling back completely.

"Jasper! No!" I cried.

He moved his lips back over, catching mine again. "Bella, please, I love you," he slurred between sloppy kisses.

The taste of his lips mixed with the beer was familiar, but the sound of his voice was not. It was desperate and pleading, like he was grabbing at straws.

"No, Jasper…don't," I pleaded, wanting to give him a chance to take it back on his own, to stop on his own.

"I do," he murmured, placing a succession of quick, closed mouth kisses on my lips.

I gripped his forearm and placed my other hand on his chest, pushing hard. When he backed away, I jumped up off the coffee table and crossed the room.

"No, no," I repeated, shaking my head.

When I turned back to him he sat there looking completely taken aback, his arms resting limply on his thighs.

I tried to gather my thoughts. I felt a strange mixture of sadness and anger, and I couldn't decide which emotion I should let win. Was he was upset and desperate and confused, or sneaky and opportunistic? I had to believe the former, but with all the games he'd played with me before, I couldn't help but feel enraged that he'd take advantage of me, and of this situation.

And to say _those_ _words._

As I paced the room, trying to think of something to say, he spoke first. "You're scared of me aren't you? You think I'm like him?"

My head snapped up. "What?"

"You think I'm like him. You think I'm just some fucking pervert."

"No, I-"

He stood up and took a step toward me, pointing his finger at me. "I'm not. I'm not fucking like him, and I fucking meant it."

At that point, I decided to let the anger win.

"How dare you. How dare you use what is happening to your family, to your fucking sister, to try something with me? You never even apologized for dumping me right after you fucking slept with me, and now you're trying to tell me that you love me? Fuck you! Fuck you, Jasper. I keep wanting to believe that you're not a bastard, and you keep trying so hard to prove me wrong. It never even occurred to me to think that you were like him, but you know what? You are. You are both evil assholes. Get out of my house and go fucking take care of your sister."

I took deep, heaving breaths and fought with everything I had inside of me not to cry. We stared at each other long and hard and then he just backed up and dropped down to the couch. He propped his elbows on his knees and put his head in his hands and just sat there. I stood watching him for a long time, until I managed to catch my breath and calm down. When I thought that he might be crying, all the anger inside of me just melted away. I grabbed at it and tried to hold on but it just receded, slowly slipping from my grip.

I padded over to the couch quietly and sat down next to him. Against my better judgment, I put a hand on his back and rubbed gently until he was still.

"You think I was trying to take advantage of this?" he asked, his voice muffled by his hands. "Fuck, Bella. I fucking drove around all night trying to convince myself not to come here."

My hand froze on his back and he looked up at me, his eyes red and wet. "Because I knew if I came here I wouldn't be able stop myself from trying to get you back. And I knew that if I did try, that all of this would be my fucking fault. I've been keeping myself from you since the day you walked out of my room and for the past month all I've been doing is wishing for something to happen that would bring me back to you, without any active influence on my part. When this happened, some sick part of me recognized this was it. And I've been fucking fighting it all night, but I guess you're right—I gave in, so I guess that means I'm just a fucking sick, manipulative bastard."

He leaned back against the couch cushion, trapping my hand there. He brought his hands to his face again and rubbed them roughly over it.

"Jasper, I didn't…" I started, not knowing quite how to finish.

"But I meant it. All I could think about was that if I hadn't fucked up and freaked out and ruined everything, that maybe this all would have been easier if I had you. You were the only good thing, Bella. If love is not being able to fathom not having someone, and needing them like you need air, and being fucking empty and miserable without them, then yeah, that's what this is."

I yanked my hand from beneath his back as tears suddenly started pouring from my eyes. "No. You can't say those things. Not now, Jasper. Just please take them back. It's not fair for you to say them now, and it doesn't count."

He sat up and when he tentatively placed a hand on my knee I shifted away from him and then stood up.

"You can't, it's not fair. You didn't want this, and now I'm with Edward and I'll never hurt him and it's…it's too late."

He got up and crossed the room to stand in front of me. "Is it too late because you want to be with Edward, or because you don't want to hurt him?"

"I'm pretty sure I'm in love with him," I said, looking at the floor.

Jasper was completely still, until I heard him take a deep breath. A moment later, he walked back to the couch and sat down.

"I just can't believe that I don't get a second chance. I mean, I fucked up, Bella, I know that. I'm so fucking sorry that I hurt you and made you think that I didn't want you. But I never lied—I told you that I couldn't do it, that I didn't want to hurt you. I just didn't believe that I could be with you and not fuck it up. And now that I realize that maybe I can, that's it? It's too late? I mean there's just…there's no fucking second chances?"

I walked over and sat down on the coffee table in front of him. His leg bounced nervously and I tugged and twisted the hem of my t-shirt with wet fingers, until it was all stretched out.

"It's just…that's how it works. It's all in the timing. I couldn't– I had no idea you'd ever come around, Jasper. I just…my heart changed its course."

"I fucking went over there the night of that dance and practically handed you to him. I mean, fuck, Bella."

"You didn't hand me to anyone, Jasper. It wasn't up to you. If I didn't want to be with Edward, I wouldn't be. He wasn't a rebound and he wasn't something to distract me until you came back. I moved on."

The words felt harsher than I meant them to be. It was indescribable, the feelings that hearing him say all this stuff incited. After that night in his room, these things were all I ever wanted to hear. Hell, not even this much, just that he cared and wanted me to be his girlfriend. But when I realized that wasn't happening, and when Edward came to me, I decided not be bitter, not to fill my heart with cement, and to let myself feel whatever came naturally with him. There was no question that I felt strongly for Edward, and no question that I would stay with him. But it hurt me that Jasper would make me waver for even a moment—and yet how could I not?

He and I had something that had felt pretty great at the time, and though he tainted it with his actions in the end, with this outpouring of emotion, of apology, of truth…all that was left was the memory of when things were good. And how could I not consider, even for a moment, what it would be like to go back to all of that, with a Jasper who was actually ready to accept it. More importantly, I just wanted to be able to give him what he needed to stop the pain.

But I couldn't because I was in love with Edward, and Edward was good to me, and I was pretty sure that he loved me too, and I knew that he would always be good to me and always be sure of me. And because no matter what, after what happened before with Jasper, I just couldn't bring myself to feel the same as I once did.

We were quiet for a while before Jasper exhaled roughly and sat up. "Bella, I know this is shitty of me but…I'm not even sure if I can do this without you. I'm fucking…I don't know how to handle shit. You make it easier."

"You have to, Jasper. It's not about you. It's about Rosalie. You have to be there for her, even if it sucks for you. And I'll be here if you want me to be, just…as a friend."

I knew that was a dicey promise. I didn't know how Edward would feel about Jasper and me being friends. Things with us didn't end the same way things with Edward and Rose did, and I wasn't even entirely sure of how Jasper and I would manage a friendship. But I had to practice what I preached and so I told myself it wasn't about me, and if Jasper needed a friend, I'd be one.

"That's not what I want…I don't think that it can be like that."

And even though I'd already figured that, I burst into tears all over again. He didn't say it, but I knew he was still asking me to make a choice and I just couldn't handle it.

"You can't do this to me, Jasper. Not now. I know you're hurting and I don't want to hurt you more. It's not fair, though. It's not fair to force me to hurt you."

Jasper shot up and leaned forward, grabbing my face. He swiped my tears away with his thumbs. "Please, stop. Stop crying. I don't want to make you cry anymore, Bella. I'm sorry. I take it back, okay? Just stop crying."

Of course that only made me cry harder. "You can't just take it back _now,_" I wailed, realizing that I sounded completely bi-polar. "I mean, you said it. You already said it."

"Yeah, well, I don't want an answer. I'm done. I'm done hurting you. I'm done hurting you, and my sister, and every-fucking-one else in my life. I'm sorry, Bella. I just need you to stop crying."

The panicked look on his face sobered me up quickly. I nodded, sniffled a bit, and eventually the tears stopped falling. When he'd wiped the last ones away, he sat back against the couch cushion again.

"Come here."

"Jasper, I-"

"I'm not gonna try to kiss you or touch you or doing anything weird," he said, rolling his eyes. "I just want to sit with you for a minute. Would Edward really begrudge me that? Just sit with me."

Maybe I was a stupid fucking idiot, but I believed him, and moreover, I _wanted _to sit with him, and I wanted to be close to him, and that didn't mean that I loved Edward any less, or that I would do anything inappropriate. My heart hurt for Jasper and he was so fucked up and I really just wanted to sit with him and find a way to make things at least halfway okay.

I got up of the coffee table and climbed onto the couch. I sat close to him and pulled my legs up.

"Come here," he said again, placing his hand on the back of my head and nudging me closer. I inhaled a ragged breath and rested my head on his chest. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and tugged on a lock of my hair.

We were quiet for a really long time, just listening to the sound of each other's deep breathing. Finally, Jasper broke the silence.

"Do you know who I lived with in San Antonio?"

"No," I said, inspecting a chipped thumbnail.

"My uncle, Jimmy. Well, and my Aunt Lorraine, too."

"Oh yeah? Your mom's brother?"

"Nope, Dad's. They didn't get along much, which was one of the main reasons I liked Uncle Jimmy. He's older than my dad. He got a purple heart in Vietnam."

I turned my head to look up at him. "Really? He must have had some crazy stories."

"Yeah, he did. These are his dog tags; he gave them to me before I left. He was a really fucking good guy. He went to 'Nam when he was like eighteen years old, a few days after he married my aunt. My grandma lives with them now—she's got Alzheimer's. My dad wanted to put her in a home and be done with it. Uncle Jimmy wouldn't have it so he took her in, even though they have a small place and don't have a ton of money."

"He sounds like a pretty nice guy. Do you miss living with him?"

"Well, I miss him, maybe not so much living with him. I don't know, back then I was pretty wild—living with anyone kind of cramped my style."

I smiled and laughed. "Back _then _you were wild?"

"Shit, girl, you haven't seen anything," he said, a proud grin stretching across his face.

I shook my head, laughing quietly and after a moment the grin disappeared.

"So, you know, there _are_ decent men in my family. It's not like it's pre-destined you know? Or genetic or some shit. I mean he's nothing like my dad. He's a good fucking man."

I sat up and angled my body toward him. "Jasper, you're a good man. I know you are. You just need to stop letting your father fuck with you. You need to stop trying to be some kind of… what's it called again, when you act exactly like people expect you to?"

"Self-fulfilling prophecy?" he responded, smirking.

"Yeah. Stop doing that. You can be good and still be cool and fun and stuff. You don't have to be afraid of girls and relationships, either. You just have to be willing to give some of yourself up, or whatever. Not away, just as collateral. Let her hold on to the wild side of you, and if you decide you want it back, you can always take it back. Just do it with some respect, you know? But I think maybe once you find the right person, you'll forget you even put that stuff up in the first place."

He just smiled and stared at me for a long time. "Yeah, well…the one I want isn't available right now, so maybe I'll just become a monk while I wait."

I laughed and poked his chest. "Jasper, come on." My voice was a little cautionary, but mostly teasing.

Suddenly he got up, and then extended a hand to help me up.

"I've gotta go. Peter and the rest of those jokers have been texting and calling me all day. I'll talk to them, and then I should get home and figure out how to deal with this mess."

I nodded, my heart constricting unexpectedly. I followed him to the front door, and when we got there he turned to me. When I looked up at him he smiled warmly, and he looked more at peace than I'd ever seen him look before. It made me feel happy and sad at the same time.

"You understand why we can't be friends right?"

I nodded again, but without warning, two hot trails of tears ran down my cheeks.

"Hey, hey," he murmured, wiping them away, "what'd I say about the crying?"

"I'm sorry, I just…I wish it didn't have to be like this," I blubbered, raising my hand to wipe some embarrassing spittle off my lip.

"I wish I was stronger, or whatever. I'm sorry, I really wish I could do it, Bella."

I nodded again, praying to God to make the stupid tears stop. Then I felt sick to my stomach at the realization that praying to God never got Rosalie anywhere.

"Are you going to be okay, Jasper?"

He smiled the same smile I remembered from El Taco Loco, a million years ago. "C'mon, you know me. The Lord's light will shine on me again, Brown Eyes."

I laughed and rolled my eyes, but the tears still kept coming.

"I can't leave until those pretty eyes are dry. So if you wanna keep crying, by all means…"

I laughed and wiped them away with my arm. "I'm here, if you change your mind or whatever."

He nodded, and we just stood there for a little longer. Finally, he put his hand on the doorknob and turned it slowly. He opened it a bit and then turned back to me.

"I know I'm probably pushing my luck, but can I get a little kiss for the road?"

I closed my eyes but before I could even decide what to say, or what was appropriate, I felt his lips press against the bridge of my nose.

When I opened my eyes, the door was wide open. "I'll see you around."

"I love you, too, Jasper. I wish it could be the way you want me to, but it just can't. But I do love you."

He smiled and winked. "It's okay, honey. That's more than enough and more than I deserve."

I don't really remember closing the door behind him, or even getting up to my room or into my bed. Honestly, all I remember was crying and crying, until everything went dark and my mind finally went quiet.

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**Come chat over at the Twi'd threads, the Gazebo, or on ADF. Links are all in my profile.**


	28. Ephesians 4:32

**I don't own Twilight - no copyright infringement is intended.**

**Much thanks to Legna989 for her second to last beta job on this puppy! And to ElleCC and Cupcakeface for the pre-reads.

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**

_"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another."_

_**Ephesians 4:32

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**_

_**Edward Cullen**_

I woke up early on Monday morning with the intention of going to Rosalie's place, but I sent her a text to make sure it was okay to come by, and I still hadn't heard back by ten. By then I'd already gone for a run and showered, so I decided to eat breakfast while I waited to hear back from her. When I walked into the kitchen, Emmett was hunched over the blender making some kind of beat with the pulse button and bobbing his head. His tub of steroids sat next to the blender, and there was white powder all over the counter.

"'Roid explosion?" I asked, opening the fridge to get some juice.

"Hah. It's whey protein, idiot. You're supposedly an athlete, you should know what the hell it is."

"I'm more of a natural, really. No artificial enhancements." I reached above his head to grab the Frosted Flakes from the cupboard, and when I pulled them out he reached up and knocked the box out of my hand.

"That's 'cause you're a skinny, wuss-ass soccer player. You'd get creamed in about five seconds flat on a football field, brother."

"Not if I played your position—hard to get creamed on the bench."

"You're hilarious—what are you doing next year again? Not even going to that prissy ass piano school, right? So what is it, junior college and Taco Bell? Or are you just going to focus on Bella's taco full-time?"

He turned to me with a huge grin and before I could even retort he busted out laughing. "Shit, I kill myself."

When he calmed down, he finished mixing the 'roid smoothie and then poured it into a tall glass. He dumped what looked to be about six dozen scrambled eggs on a plate and sat across from me at the island. My phone, which laid between us, buzzed as soon as I stuffed the first spoonful of cereal into my mouth.

I picked it up and Emmett asked, "What is it?" around a mouthful of eggs.

"I sent a text to Rose to see if I could stop by. She just wrote back and said that I could come now."

"You gonna go?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Well, don't say or do anything fucking stupid. Maybe I should go with you."

I rolled my eyes. "I think I can handle it myself. We need to talk…just the two of us."

"Yeah, I know. Don't say or do anything fucking stupid."

I dropped my spoon into my bowl and sat back. "Perhaps you could provide me with an example of something stupid that I might say or do, so I know what to avoid?"

Emmett watched me for a second as he chewed his eggs. He dropped his fork, took a gulp of his smoothie and then sighed. "I don't know. Don't make any stupid promises or declarations. Just be honest with her and fucking be supportive or whatever. This is like…deep shit, Edward. You gotta be sensitive."

"Declarations? Promises?"

"Yeah, you know—don't try to placate her. You know what I'm talking about; you used to do that shit all the time. She's probably not really thinking clearly right now, so don't make promises you can't, or don't want to keep."

"This is totally different…Rosalie knows it's over, and I'm with Bella now; I wouldn't fuck that up just because I feel bad. Jesus, Em, I'm not an idiot."

"Yeah, well, you've never dealt with this kind of thing before. It's pretty stressful, and not just for Rose. I mean, I'm just preparing you so that you can help her proactively, and not reactively."

"Okay, Dr. Phil, have you been through this before?"

Emmett started at me for another moment before picking up his fork and shoveling another forkful of eggs into his mouth. He pointed the fork at me as he chewed. "It's all a matter of human psychology, E. You're carrying a load of guilt, you get backed into an emotional corner, you say dumb shit you don't mean because you don't want do something that you perceive as asshole-ish. First year psych shit, man. Don't take it as an elective, it seems like fun but it's hard as fuck."

"Are you just worried that I'm gonna get back together with Rose and fuck up all this 'groundwork' you've been laying?" He rolls his eyes when I flash air quotes around "groundwork." His term, not mine.

"You may have been a heartbreaker at that little high school of yours, but it's a big world out there, and you will never be my competition, kiddo. And you can thank me for the Cullen legacy at St. Mary's, too. I shoulda thrown you in some lockers senior year instead of watching your back, and we'd see how different life would be now."

"Okay, Kanye, consider me properly schooled in your greatness." I got up from the island and dumped the remainder of my milk and cereal into the garbage disposal. "You want me to ask her if it's okay for you to come by later?"

"Don't worry about me," he said after finishing off the rest of his shake. "She'll be fine with me stopping in later. Go do your thing first."

. . .

As soon as I turned onto Rosalie's street, I saw news vans parked along the curb starting two houses down. A throng of reporters hanging at the end of the driveway went apeshit when I pulled up, and I damn near ran one over. Luckily, they weren't up near the front of the house, so I was able to get in without much trouble. Sara-Jane answered the door, looking surprisingly put together. Her puffy, blood-shot eyes were the only indicator that something was amiss in her world.

Dottie, the housekeeper, was sitting at the kitchen table with a mug in front of her, and she looked about ten times worse than Mrs. Hale.

"Edward, honey, it's so good to see you. Rosalie will be very happy you're here. Those reporters didn't give you any trouble down there did they?"

I suddenly felt incredibly nervous and weird—completely unsure of what to say in a situation like this. Condolences didn't make sense, but ignoring it just seemed weird. I opted for weird over fucking awkward as hell. "No, luckily I wasn't on foot."

She smiled and then just stared at me for a while until I stuffed my hands into my pockets and shifted my weight. "Uh, so is Rosalie around?"

She shook out of her daze and nodded. "Oh yes, yes, shug, she's just upstairs." She stepped away so I could head up but then grabbed my arm lightly. "Oh and, hon, Rosalie is real upset and confused right now, so I'd appreciate it if whatever she tells you stays between you and her, okay? Those reporters will take whatever you say and just twist it into any old crazy thing."

I nodded slowly. "Uh, yeah, of course I wouldn't say anything to them."

She smiled again and shook her head a little before turning to walk back to the kitchen. By now my stomach was in my throat and I took the stairs slowly, trying to figure out what I should say or do. I kind of wished I had planned things better in my head so I'd be prepared for how to act around Rosalie. It wasn't until I was in front of her door that I really considered the kind of state she might be in. I started to wonder if it was a bad idea, me being here—if I was just too uneasy to be of any use.

I knocked lightly and I heard some shuffling before Rose quietly told me to come in.

I opened the door and found her sitting on the edge of her bed, staring into her lap. When I saw her like that, the Rose I had broken up with not too long ago seemed to be nowhere in the room, and it made me remember what she was like when I first met her, when things were different between us and she was more…real.

I was surprised to find that I didn't have to think about what to do at all. I crossed the room quickly and sat down next to her. When I put my arms around her shoulders she turned into me and immediately began to sob. I held her tightly until she calmed down a bit, and then I loosened my grip but kept my arms around her, rubbing her back softly with one hand.

Neither of us spoke for a long time, but it didn't feel awkward, at least not for a while. When I finally decided to try to think of something to say, Rose spoke first.

"I don't know where to start." Her voice was small and muffled against my shirt, which was wet with her tears.

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. I'm here if you do, but it doesn't have to be today. I know this is a lot to deal with. I'm not going anywhere."

She let out a sad, small laugh. "Well, not for another month and a half anyway, right?"

"No, not for a year."

She sat up, her eyes red and wet and swiped the back of her hand beneath her nose. "What do you mean?"

"I'm staying here for the year, and going to Julliard next."

"Why?"

"A lot of reasons."

"Bella?"

"She's one of them, yeah."

She looked down into her lap and sighed. "I feel like shit for…for the past two years at least."

"Why?"

"Edward, I just…I couldn't let you go. I'm so embarrassed…I should have just let you go a long time ago and instead I just acted crazy. At the very least I should have let you go when Jasper came back…but that didn't really go as I'd expected and I was just…so selfish."

"Rose, don't fucking say that. If had known…I mean, I understand why you didn't want to let go, but I didn't even protect you. I didn't do shit. If I had known, maybe I wouldn't have been such a dick. I'd like to think I would have at least handled the last couple months better. I mean…fuck, I'm so sorry."

She shook her head. "I don't want anyone else to apologize to me. It just makes me feel worse. I don't know why, even. I…it was just easier when you were around, but if I told you, it wouldn't have been."

I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and pulled her back into my side. "Yeah, I know. But you're dealing with this now, so I think it would have just...it would have gotten better sooner, Rose, that's all. But I mean, hindsight and all that…it doesn't matter much now. I just feel like shit that all this was happening and I didn't protect you. I just acted like a shit."

"Jasper says the same thing, but he couldn't have known, either. I wanted him to so badly, but I didn't know how to say it. I didn't know how to make him see it, so instead I just treated him like shit when he was always going out and leaving me here alone."

I exhaled heavily, thinking of all the times she used to sneak out and come sleep over back when things were still good with us, and then all the times I bailed on her, all the times she wanted to come over and I said no, when things got sour. I wondered what was happening in her life at that time that caused the shift, and if there was anything I should have noticed, but it was fruitless—I didn't, and now we were here and I couldn't change any of it, anyway.

"Rosalie…do you want to talk about it?" I asked, squeezing her bicep. I wasn't sure I really even wanted to hear the details, but if she needed to tell someone, I would listen and I would help her, regardless of my own personal discomfort with the topic.

She shook her head almost violently. "No…no…I can't," she whimpered, the tears falling into her lap again. "I'm sorry, Edward, I just can't."

I nodded. "Okay, I understand. It's fine. Promise me you'll talk about it with someone, though. Soon. A professional would be best, and it might be easier, with someone you don't know, who has some experience…But if you're ever ready to talk to me about it, I'll be here."

I felt her nod against my chest, and I looked down to see her wiping her eyes again. I grabbed the tissue box at the foot of the bed and pulled a few out. She took them and blew her nose quietly.

"Can I just ask," I started, unsure if I should even continue, "why Dottie?"

She sighed and didn't speak right away. Finally in a small, tentative voice she said, "She…she saw something once. It wasn't much of anything, but it bothered her I guess. She told me that if I ever needed to talk to her that I could, even if I had to come to her house or call her in the middle of the night. It took me five years, but I guess I just remembered that…and…" She trailed off and then started up again.

"Emmett and I were at a party at Victoria's. I forget what we were even talking about, but he said that I had changed and that he thought the stuff I was always mad about wasn't really the stuff I was actually mad about. He said that if I didn't sort out my shit and talk to someone about what it was that had me upset, the old Rosalie would just disappear and the angry one would take over…or something along those lines. Anyway," she chuckled and shook her head, "it, like, depressed the hell out of me or something. Then I just remembered what Dottie said and I thought, well, if I just go do it, without thinking about it too much, maybe it won't be so bad, and maybe everything else will get better if I do. It took me five years to take her up on it, but I guess when the timing is right, you just know."

"Five years?" I gasped, before I could stop myself.

She pulled away and dropped her head into her hands. "God, you probably think I'm disgusting."

"No!" I pulled her back to me and rested my head on hers. "No way, Rosalie. No, it's not your fault. Please don't every think that anyone is judging you for this shit. It's not your fucking fault."

"I didn't always know it was wrong, Edward…" she said, so softly I almost didn't hear her.

"That's normal, Rose. You were a kid, you're taught to…you're supposed to be able to trust your parents." There was some sort of weird mixture of anger and sadness bubbling inside me. I wanted to kill Reverend Hale, I wanted to be able to go back and fix it, and mostly I just wanted Rosalie not to hate or blame herself for it all.

"Well, I think that's why I ended up calling Dottie. She saw it, I guess, and it made me feel like it'd be easier to tell her. It's why she stayed with us, but there wasn't much she could do. I suppose I just needed to realize…"

"I'm glad you did. It was the right thing to do, Rose. Even if it fucking sucks right now, and even if it was really scary, it was the right thing to do. I wish I could have been the one to say that stuff to you—that stuff that Emmett said that got you to talk to her. I should have, but…he's always been good at being blunt and somehow not offensive about it, and I guess I just was too focused on myself to even notice. I mean, fuck, I didn't even bother to think about what was going on with you. I just thought…"

"You just thought I was a bitch," she said, and then she looked up and laughed. A real laugh, not just a sad, defeated one.

I smiled. "Yeah, well, I mean…"

"I was a bitch, Edward. I mean, I still kind of am."

"No, no, it's not...You have reasons, Rose, it's not the same thing."

She laughed again. "I know, but I mean, some of my bitchiness is just bitchiness. For example, I still hate Bella." She quirked an eyebrow, waiting to get a rise out of me.

I smirked and shoved her lightly. "Well, I'm not going to try talk you out of that, because I know I won't be able to. I guess I can't really blame you."

"God, Edward, you better stop acting like this or I'm going to hate you. I'm not crazy or anything; I mean, you don't have to kiss my ass."

"I wasn't. I'm just not going to sit here and call you a bitch. Not today, anyway."

"Fine. I guess I'll enjoy it while it lasts, but don't think I'm going to be all love and hugs now. I'll take back what I said about Bella being a whore; that was mean, and I guess if I should have been calling anyone a whore, it should have been you. But I still don't get what you see in her. I mean—I am still utterly baffled as to why you and Jasper fight over her like a bunch of buffoons." She said it with a smile, though, and for some reason it made it okay. Maybe it even made me feel good to see a bit of the old Rosalie—the attitude, without the malice.

"But I'll admit, even with all the buffoonery, you're both a lot more tolerable now…" She looked up at me through her long, dark blond lashes and smiled almost shyly, and I knew it was meant to be a compliment.

"Okay, how about this…how about when we hang out, we leave Bella out of the conversation for now? I can live with that. Baby steps, right? And I'll avoid teasing you about my brother, which I have been itching to do."

She jumped back and leaned against the headboard, shoving me gently with her foot. "Ugh, fine!" Her blue eyes sparkled with that old, mischievous glimmer, before her face turned serious again. "But just so you know, Emmett and I are just friends, Edward. Really."

I nodded slowly. "Does he know that?"

She smirked. "Yeah. He's a pretty patient guy. I guess maybe being QB two has taught him how to be."

I laughed and nodded. "Well, I'm glad you're friends. And I think we're friends now, if I'm not mistaken? I'm glad about that, too."

"Yeah. Yeah, I think we're friends. Can we just kind of throw a blanket of apology over the last year or so?"

I nodded and we both laughed. "Blanket apology sounds good."

We were both quiet for a few minutes and then Rose sat up. "So, friend, do you have time to maybe watch some TV, or something, for a while? Do you think Bella would care?'

"Nah, she knows I'm here. She's wants me to be here, Rose." She smiled begrudgingly and looked away for a moment. "Hey, where's Jasper, by the way?"

She shrugged. "He left last night. We talked for a bit but…he's having a hard time with all this stuff. He gets angry pretty easily and you know how it was between him and…my father. Jasper's the kind of guy that needs time to process things for a bit. He'll be back, and when he is, I know he'll really be here."

We got up to head downstairs but Rosalie hesitated at the top of the steps. "I may not like her and all, but I guess I owe Bella an apology, too. Some of that stuff I did—I just got really jealous and scared, Edward. I didn't mean to be so nasty. Obviously it didn't even do me any good anyway. Will you tell her I'm sorry about the stuff I said to her?"

"Yeah, I don't think she needs it—but I'll tell her."

A self-satisfied smile spread across Rosalie's face, and it wasn't lost on me what a big step that was for her. I had to smile too, because I was relieved to see that Rosalie was determined to no longer allow the sins of her father to shape or define her.

. . .

I closed the door quietly behind me and moved as soundlessly as I could to Bella's bed. She was on her stomach in the corner of it, nearly pressed against the wall. I smiled to myself for no good reason, watching her still form for a few moments before climbing on to the bed. I grabbed the fleece blanket at the bottom of the bed and pulled it open, and then slipped next to her and pulled it over both of us.

When my hand skimmed over her back and down her waist, she stirred, and then rolled back, into me. I buried my face in her hair and let my arm slip around her waist. She mumbled and groaned and then placed a cool hand over mine, which was resting on her stomach.

"Edward?" she murmured, tilting her head back.

"Hey, I'm sorry I woke you up. Your mom said you've been sleeping for a while."

I felt her nod, causing my nose to rub against her scalp. I shifted her up a bit and ducked my head into her neck.

"What time is it?"

"Almost five."

"Mmm. I guess I did sleep for a while. How's Rosalie?" Her voice was still heavy with sleep and I pulled my hand from beneath hers to rub her hip.

"She's…not great, obviously, but I guess a little better than I expected. I mean, given what she's going through…she's not hysterical or anything. It's funny, I forget sometimes how strong she is. I don't know how I can possibly forget, but I do."

"Yeah, strong is definitely a word I'd use to describe her." I felt her back shake with a small laugh, and then she rolled over so I scooted back a bit to make some room for her. As soon as she was half on her back, still against me, I pushed her hair from her face.

"Baby, have you been crying?" I asked, brushing my thumb over a swollen eyelid.

"I'm okay," she whispered, looking away from me. "It's just been…I want you to talk about what happened with Rosalie first."

I leaned over her and kissed her lips several times before sliding my hand beneath her neck, into her hair. "Why were you crying, Bella? What's wrong?"

She sighed heavily and stared at me a moment before opening her mouth. "Jasper was here."

Against my will, my grip on her neck tightened. I could feel my jaw clench but I tried hard to keep myself calm. It wasn't wholly unexpected that he'd show up, but as my brain scanned the reasons why his visit could make her cry, none of them seemed particularly positive. She hadn't just been crying either—she'd fallen asleep crying, obviously. I closed my eyes and tried to tell myself to be supportive and not a jealous spaz.

"What happened?" I asked, unsure if I even wanted to know.

"He was just really upset about Rosalie. I don't think he knows what to do with himself. He feels so guilty. It's just…terrible."

"Everyone feels guilty. Rosalie isn't angry at Jasper. They'll talk it all out eventually."

Bella nodded but her expression didn't seem any less troubled. I hated seeing her so upset, and though I suppose in some ways I should have expected it, I hated the idea of Jasper being here and being the cause of her tears. I pushed my fingers up into her hair and rubbed over her scalp. She tilted her head back into my hand and I leaned down to kiss her. She returned the kiss, briefly, but when I opened my mouth she turned her head and when I pulled back, she sat up quickly.

She pulled her knees to her chest and chewed on the inside of her cheek, looking out into the room. My stomach dropped and I sat up as well, pushing my hands into my hair and rubbing my own scalp, trying to quell the panic I was feeling. That positive, hopeful feeling I had after sorting stuff with Rosalie was rapidly fading.

"Edward," she said, in that tone that meant business. That tone that was reserved for things like guilty admissions, breakups, and other "we have to talk about something that really fucking sucks and you don't want to hear it" scenarios.

She lowered her knees and turned to sit cross-legged, facing me. I looked away because I didn't think I could stand to look in her eyes while she said whatever she was about to say. She put her hand on my knee and all I could think was fuck you, Jasper. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you very much.

"He kissed me."

Yep. Awesome. I tried to think of an appropriate response, but my brain went blank. Was she upset because he kissed her, or because she liked it? With everything that had happened to Rose and, by extension, the Hales, the situation was complicated and I couldn't react like some jealous prick, even if that was pretty much how I felt.

"Okay…" I said, trying to buy time.

"I'm sorry, Edward. He was upset when he came over, and I couldn't just turn him away. It just happened; I wasn't expecting it. We were fighting and he just…did it."

Wheels started turning, and I found myself wondering if Jasper could really be so much of a dick that he would take advantage of Bella and the situation with his sister. I really wasn't sure what motivated the guy, but the alternative wasn't any more comforting. He was either taking advantage or grasping at straws to get her back…because he needed her. I remembered the night he came to my house, after the dance, and I knew his interest in her was deeper than even he made it out to be, but that didn't really make me any more sympathetic to his plight. I needed her, too.

Bella watched me intently, probably trying to get a read on my reaction, and I wondered if she could see my mental state devolve into panicked desperation. I took a deep breath and quickly—like my life flashing before my eyes—all the things that had happened to get us to this place, right here on this bed, ran through my head.

There wasn't much I could do—if I played Jasper up as the bad guy, it probably wouldn't go over well, and I didn't want to make Bella feel guilty either, especially when she was already obviously upset. Either she wanted to be with me, or she wanted to be with him, and whoever it was, I just wanted her to decide and to be sure. If Jasper and I both kept pulling at her forever, we'd tear her apart.

I grabbed her hand and pushed my fingers through hers. "Bella, I'm not gonna make this difficult for you. Especially not after all this shit with Rose, and just…I'm not going to fuck around anymore. I want whatever you want, okay? I'm not going to lie and tell you that it doesn't totally fuck me up to have to say it, but I don't want to see you crying, I don't want you to have to feel conflicted all the time, and I want to stop feeling so unsure."

She was staring down at my hand but by the end of my little speech, her eyes flew up to mine. "What?"

"I'm just saying, if you're not sure…or if you want to be with him, I'm not going to make you feel like shit about it. I don't want you to do what I did with Rose. Take it from me—in the end you're not really sparing anyone's feelings, even when you think you are."

"Edward," she whimpered, squeezing my hand. "You think that's what this is about? You think that's why I was crying?" She shook her head vigorously and I begged my heart not to jump at the inkling of hope her reaction offered.

"I was crying because it was terrible to see Jasper coming apart like that. I care about him, Edward. Maybe you think I shouldn't after what happened, but I can't help it—and I really think that he regrets the way he acted. I do believe that he…cares about me…and I just felt so terrible telling him that I couldn't give him what he wanted. And after, we had a good talk and he didn't push me. I told him that I didn't feel the same anymore and he didn't push me. But he can't just be friends - and I guess it was stupid for me to even think we could've been - but I just… I just felt really bad when it was all over."

Relief spread through me quickly, and I couldn't stop myself from grabbing her face and kissing her, hard. She clambered to her knees and straddled my legs, settling quickly into my lap. I pulled my mouth away but kept my forehead against hers, moving both hands to her jaw.

"He does care about you. And I don't think it's wrong for you to care about him. It's just…fuck, I don't know, it's hard for me to not get jealous, or worried. It seems like he's always right there, lurking around a corner or something. The way you guys broke up…I mean, it wouldn't be unheard of for you to change your mind if he came around—and I just fucking obsess over it sometimes."

"I meant what I said the night of the carnival, Edward. I'm sorry that you feel so unsure, and I guess sometimes I don't make it easy for you; it's just that I'm not like Jasper. I can't just push him away. If he needed a friend I would have been there for him, because I would never have been able to turn him away if I truly felt he needed help. That doesn't mean I'll give him what he wants, just what he needs and what I'm prepared to offer."

I wrapped my arms around her waist and settled my hands beneath her. "I feel like a shit for getting jealous, especially since you were so good about me seeing Rosalie. I just feel like things with Rosalie and me were different than they were with you and Jasper. I mean…I saw you two together…"

She nodded slowly and looked down. "But things didn't work out. Jasper wasn't ready, and when he was, I had already fallen in love with someone else." She lifted her head slowly, looking up at me tentatively. "Shit happens."

I fought valiantly to keep the stupid grin from spreading across my face. "Lucky bastard…" I grumbled teasingly, before lying back on the bed and pulling her with me. I shifted onto my side and pulled her against my chest, so that we were lying the same way we had been earlier. "And I bet he spends all his time being shitty and jealous instead of loving on you like he should be."

"I don't know," she said, nestling herself closer and pulling my arm tightly around her. "He loves on me quite a bit, actually."

I laughed and kissed her ear and then pushed my leg between hers so that we would be as close as possible. "It's kind of fucked up to say this, but…I think this is going to be a really good year, Bella."

"Yeah?" she said, tilting her head back.

"Yeah. Rosalie and I—we really talked and I think she's going to get healthy again and she's going to be happy and I'm just…I don't know—really relieved, I guess. And I have a year to love all up and down on you," I pressed my face into her neck and she giggled, "and I don't know, but I think maybe I'm excited."

"Good," she said, as I kissed my way along her shoulder. "Me, too."

* * *

**If you're looking for something to read now that we're winding down here, Elle and I have a collab posted called "The First Breath." It's a Bella/Jasper that we wrote for Support Stacie. **


	29. Genesis 1:1

**I do not own the Twilight series. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Massive A/N word vomit at the end, I'm sure.

* * *

**

_"In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And God said, Let there be light: and there was light."_

_**Genesis 1:1

* * *

**_

_**Jasper Hale**_

I rolled the thin paper between my fingers absentmindedly until the tobacco started to fall from either end of the unfinished cigarette. "Shit," I mumbled, brushing the loose tobacco from my lap before adding more to the paper and starting again. When I had it rolled up nice and tight, I licked along the edge of the paper and sealed it up. I leaned to the side and spit on the burning concrete and then put the cig in my mouth and looked up to find Peter staring at me, his mouth so full of burrito he could barely close it to chew.

"You know I'm right," he said, once he'd swallowed enough to actually be able to move his mouth.

I slid back a bit on the hood and put my foot up on the bumper. "Yes, Peter, you're right. Is this the part where I admit that you're _always _right? Where I take all of your sage advice you've offered over the past year and apply it all, and suddenly I become a stand up guy?"

"You _are _a good guy. It's just that whenever your good guy instincts kick in, you squash them, and do the exact opposite. I think you need to actually believe you're a good guy, Jasper, and then maybe you'll stop acting like such a selfish fuck. Shit, how many times have we had this conversation?" He took a sip of his giant soda and moved to deposit it next to me on the hood.

"Get your fucking Big Gulp away from my girl."

He rolled his eyes and quickly retracted his hand, stooping to put the drink on the ground next to him.

"I had to tell her. I mean, isn't it at least better that she knows she wasn't just some...you know...?"

"High school chick you fucked and bailed on?"

"Yes, fine. I mean, in the end I suppose she was, but she wasn't like the others. I didn't want her to think that forever..."

"Well, isn't she lucky that she got to be the exception?"

"Fuck, Peter, do I have to explain myself to you, too? You've been friends with me all this time, and now all of a sudden you're like a fucking advocate for every girl I've ever fucked?"

"Well...not _every_ girl. Maria can still suck it." He laughed at his own weak-ass joke and then continued. "I just feel like you're finally getting it or something, it's just that you're not all the way there. There were a lot more girls than Bella. Granted, a few of them probably didn't give a fuck about you either, but I bet more than a few out there are still feeling like they got shafted...twice, as it were." He smirked, and took another giant bite of his sloppy burrito.

"All right, all right. I fucking do feel bad, okay? I mean, I never knew what it was like, I guess...but what the fuck do you want from me? You want me to call them all and apologize individually? Shit happens, Peter. I never _forced _anyone into anything, and I never really made many promises either...some omissions, yes, but still...I can't take that shit back now."

"Well, maybe not _forced _but..._coerced? _Er, no, like..._influenced?" _He wiped his mouth on a crumpled napkin and picked his drink back up to take another sip.

"Would we be having this discussion right now if you didn't know all this shit about the Rev?" I was pissed as hell that our family's—or more specifically my father's—dirty laundry had been hung out in public, but right now it was kind of a relief to be able to reference it without having to explain it, or at least to have Peter know what was going on without me having to tell him.

The problem was, he probably knew less than half of the story, and because I was a fucking loser who couldn't face my family, I knew little more than he did. But I knew enough about myself to know that I was _nothing_ like that sick fuck.

"Fuck, Jasper, I know you're not like him. Not in that sense, anyway. Doesn't mean you didn't take advantage. Just fucking admit it. I once asked you about getting serious with Bella and you said something like '_I don't date high school girls_.'" He raised an eyebrow as if he just blew my fucking mind with some amazing point.

"Yeah, well, I guess at the time I didn't feel like things were going to get serious..."

"No shit, but it spoke volumes about why you went for high school girls. They weren't a threat to you because you knew there was no long-term option. They're cute and easily influenced and looking to rebel and it was easy for you to write them off after, because you're so very much more mature than an eighteen-year-old. It was clearly a safe bet. Then look at the other extreme...Maria, your female counterpart. If you two ever tried to have an emotional relationship, the world would implode. Safe, again."

"I think you're secretly in love with her." I pushed my sunglasses up my forehead and held my arms out, surveying them to see if I was starting to burn. When I didn't find any evidence of a burn, I pushed my glasses back down and looked up just in time to catch Peter's eyeroll.

"Maria? Hah. Well, I think if _I _dated her, I'd have her baking pies and popping out babies in a year. Just like little, unassuming Bella has you questioning your whole outlook, even if you won't admit it."

"What is this like a salt-in-wound session? What the fuck is your point, Pete?" On some level I could recognize Pete's bitching and lecturing as _concern_, but he had such a goddamn blunt way of putting things that, in my very fragile and hungover state, I was finding pretty damn abrasive.

"Maybe this whole thing with Bella is like poetic justice or something." The edge in his voice softened a bit, but it didn't take the sting out of the words.

"Well, fuck, that makes me feel so much better."

"I'm not trying to make you feel better," he said, stating the obvious. "I'm just trying to make sense of it or whatever, to get you to a point where you can move on. I don't think it was necessarily wrong of you to tell her how you felt. I mean, I understand how it would have come out, and I think it's good that you left after, that you didn't push it or whatever...but it's like... that's it now, you know? It's not the end, Jasper. You met a girl that made you realize that it might be nice to actually keep a chick around the next morning. You met a girl that fell for _you _and not all your sleazy charming bullshit and you realized how cool that feels and..." He looked at me thoughtfully for a moment as he took another bite.

I flicked my cig onto the asphalt and waited patiently, assuming there was more. When he finished chewing, he kept going. "And then you fucked it up, and she moved on, and you learned your lesson and now you're here."

"Okay, well, thank you for the fucking summary of the last couple months. Again, you've been immensely helpful in telling me shit I already know in a ridiculously condescending fashion." My fingers twitched against the pouch of loose tobacco, itching to roll another cigarette, already.

"The _point, _Jasper, is that it's over now. There will be other girls, and hopefully you'll be less of a dick to them and you'll find something like what you had going on with Bella. That's it. So you can fucking scowl and smoke and drink and brood for days if you want but..." He trailed off again and then pointed the half eaten burrito at me. "Wait a minute..."

The sun was beating down on us and it was nine hundred fucking thousand degrees as I waited patiently for Peter to arrive at wherever the hell he was going.

"Why the fuck are we even talking about this? You need to go home. All this shit is going on with your sister, and we're still talking about Bella. You need to go home and...help her through this shit."

"Well goddamn, Peter, you were the one that started going on about it. I know I need to go home...I just...fuck, I'm so fucking miserable, I was kind of hoping I'd figure some shit out first and not drag this back home with me. I thank you for making everything infinitely worse. It'd be better for Rose and my mom if I just stayed away, now."

I was expecting Peter to go on and fucking on with the flagellation, but instead he just crumpled the foil from the burrito in his hand and sat down on the hood of the car next to me.

"Dude, I know this shit must be really, really weird for you, but this is kind of your chance. You couldn't man up in time for Bella and that sucks, but it's the perfect time for you to make it up to Rosalie. She's probably...fuck, I can't even imagine...but she needs you. There are really only two men in her life that she has to look up to, and one of them just fucking...he's the worst fucking example of a man. And then there's you, and so far you haven't really set the best example, either—but Rose loves you and you can totally turn it around, Jasper. You can put aside all your shit, you can put your own misery on the backburner, and just be there for her. It's the perfect chance to do something selfless and to do right by a girl—your _sister, _at that—who's been so completely wronged."

For some reason, even though I technically _knew_ all of that, it was like suddenly the pennies dropped.

"It's not about you, man. I know your dad fucked you up, too...but right now, it's just not about you. Maybe while you're focusing on your family, you'll work your own childhood shit out, too, you know?"

I nodded and gave in, flipping open the bag to roll another cigarette.

"All that shit you said about Bella, back when you had your little commitment freak out, about wanting her to be happy and to have a boyfriend who would treat her right and do all that typical boyfriend shit for her and whatnot...don't you want that for Rosalie, too?"

I really fucking did. With all this shit just out in the open now, it was actually shocking to realize just how much it bothered me to think of her ending up with a guy anything like me.

"Yeah, but, Pete, you don't get it...my family...we've all been this way for years, you know? It's hard to just switch gears and suddenly be all supportive, loving brother and shit. I mean it's just awkward as hell." When I finished rolling, I put the cig to my lips and pulled the Zippo from my pocket. I lit it, took a long drag and then turned to look at him.

"Well, then you've just got to feel awkward as hell for a while," he responded, squinting, staring straight ahead at the taco stand.

"Yeah. I guess."

We sat in silence for a while as I finished smoking, and when I tossed the butt in the direction of the previous...several...Peter spoke again. "I guess I was a little harsh with the Bella stuff. Tough love and all that, right? I know it sucks, though..."

I sighed and nodded, still watching the people lined up in front of the stand. "She was my baby girl, dude. Being an asshole blows sometimes." I hopped up from the car without looking at him and he got up a second later, stooping to pick up his drink. I pulled my keys from my pocket and tossed them in the air. When I caught them again, I jerked my head toward the car and Pete nodded. "Anyway...you _are _right about this shit. I'm not like...retarded, you know. I appreciate the...whatever and stuff."

He chuckled and opened his arms. "You need to hug it out, Jasper?" He approached me with a snarky grin and I put my hand up, palm facing him.

"You get the fuck away from me, pal."

"Your loss. There's nothing a little snuggle can't fix." His chuckle turned into a full laugh as he turned and headed to the passenger side. I tilted my head toward his drink and then pointed at the trashcan a few parking spots over. He rolled his eyes and went to throw it out.

When we got to his place, I pulled into the parking lot to let him out. I suddenly recalled the beer and overflowing ashtray mess I'd left there from the night before—post visit with Bella—and for a moment I felt inclined to offer to go up and help clean. But then I figured I should just take baby steps with this whole not-being-a-prick thing.

Truthfully, after our talk I was feeling increasingly guiltier about having bailed on Rosalie and my mom, and being gone for two days, and suddenly I was pretty anxious to get home and talk to them. Knowing that my father wasn't going to be there made it a hell of a lot easier to swallow that idea.

"All right, I'll see you later, man. Good luck with everything." Peter climbed out of the car and then ducked his head back inside. "Just do what comes naturally. Don't think about shit too much."

"Jesus Christ, Oprah, you really can't help yourself can you?" I still couldn't bring myself to verbally acknowledge it, but I think Peter understood that I appreciated being able to talk about this shit with him. As close as I was to James and Felix, I never really talked to them much about serious shit like this, and it was probably because they couldn't ever really put things into perspective for me quite like Peter did.

As if confirming my thoughts, he smiled and shut the door, and then gave me the finger as I pulled out of the lot.

. . .

Around six in the evening, we exited the I-10 and headed into downtown San Antonio. Rosalie insisted that we get a hotel on the Riverwalk, rather than staying with Uncle Jimmy or my friends. She'd lost touch with all except a few people here, but she wasn't interested in staying with her old friends either. I was fine with staying in a hotel, and when she complained that she felt gross from the trip, I offered to drop her off there before I headed to Red's to treat Pearl to some much-needed TLC after the long drive.

After a tough two months of therapy, interviews with prosecutors, a thankfully quick investigation by Child Protective Services, the Rev's arraignment, a few fights and many long, sometimes frustrating talks that resulted in very little actual progress, things had finally started to ease up a bit. Rose's therapist was starting to break through, my mom was starting to not be such a delusional bitch, and the fucking news people had finally mostly moved on to greener pastures. My father was released on bail and ordered to remain in the state, but to stay away from the family. I'd heard he was living in a hotel in Tempe while waiting for his trial, and I sometimes liked to imagine how fucking miserable his life probably was.

When the dust settled a bit and Rosalie seemed to be doing better, I suggested we take a road trip to San Antonio to get away. As much as Rosalie understood how fucked up things were between her and my father, the extent of his brainwashing had slowly become clearer, and it was obvious that it was hard for her, knowing that he was still out there, somewhere. He still had a weird pull on her and it seemed like she was wavering between being scared he'd come back and feeling guilty for everything that had happened. We were all pretty relentless in trying to get her to see the light, but I thought maybe getting out of town might help her forget—as much as she possibly could—about the whole mess for a little while, and hopefully help strengthen her resolve a bit in the process.

I'd more or less put all my focus into being around the house more and keeping the dickhead level to a minimum, and on top of making things better with Rosalie and my mom, it proved to be a decent distraction from the whole Bella thing. After two months of being about as decent a guy as I was capable, I was pretty stoked on the idea of going home.

"Okay, I'm gonna drop you at the front. It's under my name." I reached over and popped the glove compartment to get the reservation printout.

"It's a suite, right? I don't want to have to deal with you wandering around hungover and in your underwear in the morning." Rose preemptively rolled her eyes and glanced out at the skyline. Her knee was bouncing up and down and I wondered whether it was from nervousness or excitement.

"Yeah, yeah, it's a suite, relax. I'm just gonna stop by Red's. Char's keeping it open for me so Pearl can have a quick tune-up, then I'll be back."

"Okay. I guess maybe I'll give Bree a call and see if she wants to go shopping sometime." Bree was Rosalie's best friend before we moved, and the only person she still regularly kept in touch with.

When we pulled up to the hotel, I popped the trunk, grabbed Rosalie's forty-seven bags and let her out of the car. "See you in a bit. You should probably give Mom a call."

She nodded and dragged her bags toward the double doors, and I gave her a quick salute before climbing back in the car.

. . .

"Well how-dee-doo," Charlotte called as she walked out of the garage. "My God, you've grown up."

"Man, Chaz, you can still fill out a pair of coveralls," I responded, pretending to leer. Charlotte was pretty damn cute, and effortlessly so, but I'd never really tried anything with her. I wasn't sure if that was because I'd known her and her family for so damn long—and that her dad was nine feet tall and eight hundred pounds—or because it made me nervous that she knew way more about cars than I ever would

She worked for her father, Big Red, at the shop. She was possibly the best mechanic there and I'd known her since I was a teenager. Uncle Jimmy was big into classic cars and seeing them at this shop was what made me want one for myself.

She smacked my chest with a shammy and then pulled me into a hug. "Jasper Hale, it's damn good to see you. How old are you now? Eighteen?"

She laughed but it melted into a frown when I asked, "Well, let's see, how old are you again? Thirty-seven?"

"You might wanna shave about eight years off, you fuck." She pulled her long dark brown hair up into a ponytail and wiped her forehead with the back of her hand. She smiled up at me and then stepped to the side. "And there she is. You're going to let me get my hands on her?"

"Absolutely, I've had a hard time finding a place I trust in Phoenix. I made a few appointments, but when we'd get to the garage, Pearl would get nervous, so I'd have to take her home."

Charlotte actually snorted. "Jasper, if you could only treat women like you treat that car." I smiled, but something, somewhere, ached a little bit, and I kind of wanted to tell her about Bella, for some reason. "Are you telling me she hasn't been serviced since you moved?"

"I've mostly been working on her myself. And now we're here so I want the full royal treatment." I dangled the keys in front of her face and she snatched them away.

"Well, you can go on inside if you want. Dad said he wants to see you before you get arrested." She winked, but her face grew serious quickly and I suddenly wondered what mine looked like.

"Yeah, I don't know if it's gonna be like the old days, this trip. I brought Rosalie." I didn't elaborate, and apparently, I didn't need to.

"How's she doing, Jasper?"

Once again, I didn't know if I was relieved that there was nothing to explain, or annoyed that everyone fucking knew. "I don't know. Better than earlier in the summer. We're just...trying to keep our minds off shit right now. I thought maybe it'd be good for Rose to just get away or something."

"I think that sounds like a good idea, and even better if it helps you stay out of trouble." She cracked another small smile and then she reached out and grabbed my forearm. "How are _you_ doing, Jasper?"

I appreciated her concern, regardless of how uncomfortable it made me, but I couldn't help but laugh a little when she asked the question.

"What?" she asked, looking concerned.

"Nothing, you just...remind me of someone I know, that's all."

She quirked an eyebrow and waited for me to answer her question.

"I'm...fine, I guess. I mean, in some weird way it's kind of good, not having him around. I feel like shit for Rosalie and my mom, but...I don't know. Part of me just feels _relieved." _She nodded and watched me for a moment.

"Well, I'm glad you're okay. Rosalie will be fine too, you'll see." I didn't really know how to respond, and luckily she didn't give me a chance to. "Okay, get inside and let me get to work, big boy."

. . .

As soon as I stepped into the bar, I spotted Brady at a table against the wall. When we made eye-contact, he grinned widely, and was up and out of his seat a second later.

"I'll be god-damned. Jasper Hale, the king of the wild frontier..."

"It's been a while, man. How the hell are you?" As soon as I got to the table, he clapped me on the back and shoved a beer into my chest.

"Fucking living the dream, Hale. I'm a sales manager for my dad now. It's bullshit but I make decent money and no one fucks with me, so it could be a hell of a lot worse, I guess."

"More than I can say for myself. There is a possibility that I'll finish college this year though, so that's something."

Brady laughed and pushed his hair out of his face. "Well, you're not the only one. I think Paul is still behind you, but he hasn't been arrested since that week before you left, so I think maybe we've all grown up a bit. He and Sam are on their way, by the way. He called me about ten minutes ago." Brady's eyes shifted to the door, and I turned to follow his gaze, expecting to see them walking through the door.

Instead, three chicks were walking in—a tall, fucking gorgeous one with long, black hair leading the group. She smiled and waved at Brady and then they continued around to the other side of the bar. I turned back to him and he shook his head.

"Who the hell was that?" I asked.

"Leah Clearwater, the daughter of one of my dad's biggest clients, Harry Clearwater. If I lay a hand on her, my dad'll lose a several million dollar account." He glanced in the direction the girls went and then back at me. "You're safe, though. I'd hate you a little bit for it, but you're safe..."

I felt almost annoyed at the weird hesitation that rose up in me at his statement, but I just laughed it off. "I'm just here for the beer, man." At that, I knocked back half the glass in my hand and moved to sit down at the table.

Several hours and countless pitchers later, Leah Clearwater was sitting in my lap and Brady and Paul were singing a sloppy rendition of "Honky Tonk Heroes" on the small karaoke stage at the back of the bar. We hadn't ever made it through a night of drinking without someone doing that song, and I wondered why I thought tonight would be any different.

As Leah was stuffing a lemon into my mouth in preparation for yet another shot of tequila, my phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out and glanced at the text from Rosalie.

_I'm going to bed soon. Will you be back late?_

It was already one-thirty, and when—after her shot was downed—Leah pushed the lemon from my mouth and replaced it with her tongue, I knew that there was a distinct possibility that I wouldn't be back at all tonight.

I tightened my arm around her waist and let her deepen the kiss, but I couldn't push the text from my mind. Even in my drunken haze, I still saw the invisible words and hidden meaning in Rosalie's message.

As much as it felt good to be home, and as much as it felt right, and natural being here with my old friends, things had changed, and I couldn't deny it anymore. No matter how accurately I managed to replicate "the good old days," too much had happened and I just had to fucking face that even if nothing around me had changed, I had.

I wrapped my hand gently under Leah's jaw and pulled her face from mine. She furrowed her brow and leaned forward again but I moved my head back and held hers.

"I don't know how I can manage to say this to a girl who looks like _you _and tastes like tequila...but I've got to go, honey."

She tossed her glossy black hair over her shoulder and put her hand on mine. "Really?" She looked confused and I understood why. I could imagine guys didn't say shit like that to her often.

"Yeah, really, I do. I'm sorry, I've got somewhere to be."

She frowned a little and then sighed and climbed off my lap. She stumbled a bit when she got to her feet and I grabbed her arm to stabilize her. "Okay...well, it was nice meeting you, Jasper Hale." She giggled and winked when she said my name, and I wondered how much she knew about me before she even walked into the bar tonight.

"You, too. Maybe I'll see around before I leave." Then, just for the hell of it, I grabbed her waist and pulled her in for another kiss.

"Mmm," she said when I pulled away. "I hope so."

But I knew I probably wouldn't see her again. Rosalie's text had pulled me out of the nostalgic revelry and reminded me why I was _really _here.

I said goodbye to Sam and then made my way to the stage to do the same to Brady and Paul.

"You're leaving? Now? But the night's just getting started, and, if I'm not mistaken, you were just getting hot and heavy with the object of my undying affection, you son of a bitch." Brady's wide smile betrayed his words.

"Yeah, well...Rosalie's back at the hotel. I gotta go, man."

He nodded, and didn't bother to argue. "All right, man, well, how long are you here for?"

"A couple days. We gotta go see some family and shit, but we'll have another beer or something before I go."

Brady nodded and then squinted at me with one eye closed. I almost wanted to tell him that maybe he should quit while he was...wasted...and go home, too. "Hey, man, when are you coming back anyway? I mean, the Rev can't really stop you now, can he?"

If someone had told me a few months ago how things were going play out, I would have said that by now I'd have already been back, but now that it's all real, coming back here just seemed less likely than ever. My mom and Rosalie had discussed the possibility, but considering everyone here knew what happened, too, it just seemed like returning wouldn't do her a whole hell of a lot of good. Knowing how she felt about me being here while they were in Phoenix before, I knew I'd never be able to do it again without feeling like shit all the time.

But I was fairly certain that Brady was in no state to really process all of that, so instead I just said, "I don't know man...we'll see. I'm just gonna try like hell to finish school first, and then worry about the rest later."

He nodded and put an elbow on the speaker. He opened his mouth to speak but then his gaze shifted over my shoulder. "Oh fuck, body shots. You in?" I looked back to see one of Leah's friends, Emily, lying across the top of the bar, Sam leaning over her.

"No, go ahead. I'm good. I'll catch you later, Brady."

He nodded and squeezed my shoulder once before stumbling past me to the bar.

I was walking along the Riverwalk, headed back to the hotel, when I heard a familiar voice coming from somewhere to my right.

"You've got to be shittin' me."

I turned and immediately identified it. Officer Morgan. The last time I'd seen him was a week before I left for Phoenix, when he was arresting me at eight o'clock in the morning on the front lawn of the Alamo.

"Officer Morgan..." I said, squinting at him. I barely recognized him out of uniform.

"As surprising as it is to say, you're the last person I expected to see wanderin' around here at nearly two a.m. You've still got your shirt on, too."

"I was just heading back to my hotel," I said, taking his hand when he extended it. "I'm feeling pretty confident that you won't be arresting me tonight, but it's still another several hundred yards to the hotel so..."

He threw his head back and laughed gruffly. "That's a shame. It'd be kind of nice, you know, for old time's sake. How the hell are you, kid?"

I just nodded at first. I assumed he knew, just as everyone else did, and I was again finding myself unsure of how to answer a simple fucking question. "I'm all right. It's good to be back. Even better knowing I'll be sleeping in a bed and not a holding cell."

He laughed again and something about the way he was treating me confirmed that he did, in fact, know what had happened with the Rev. He was partially the reason I got shipped out to Phoenix in the first place, after he called the Rev and told him that if he had to arrest me once more, he was going to throw the book at me for real.

"Well, it's none of my concern either way, kid. I retired a few months ago."

"Great, so I guess maybe I should go back to the bar?"

He laughed hard again, like I was a regular fucking comedian. "Suit yourself, son, but you might actually enjoy yourself a bit more if you stay out of County."

I smirked and nodded. "Yeah, you're probably right. Good seeing you, Officer Morgan."

He nodded but his expression transformed into that serious one that everyone makes when they're about to indirectly reference my father, the disgraced public figure. "You tell Sara-Jane that Vera and I say hello, okay?"

"Yeah, I will."

We parted ways with a wave and it felt strangely good to see him, and walk away, not in handcuffs. If that wasn't sign of _some_ kind of maturity right there, I didn't know what was.

. . .

It was about nine hundred degrees at only one-thirty in the afternoon, when—after a pretty crazy party the night before—I stumbled out of the dorms at ASU and into some kind of street fair. I pulled my shades out of the collar of my t-shirt and put them on so that I could better survey my surroundings without burning my corneas off.

It was some kind of kick-off street party for the start of the new school year, and it reminded me that pretty soon I'd have to go back to class, and if I actually wanted to finish this year, I'd have to actually _attend _class. I groaned aloud and made my way through the crowd, pulling out my phone to send James a text message. He'd been at the party but I'd lost track of him when I passed out on someone's couch, and I didn't see him when I left a few minutes ago.

He quickly responded that he was here with Alice and her friends. It occurred to me that "her friends" likely included Bella. I tried not to think about it too much, and before I could respond, he sent me another saying he'd meet me, and giving me a general location.

I got to a place that seemed like the one James was referring to and I scanned the crowd. I'd been standing there for no more than a minute when the most terrifying sound known to man came from somewhere behind me.

"Eyyyyy! Zhaspair!"

It couldn't fucking possibly be...

"Zhaspair, over 'ere! Eet's moi! Laurent!"

I didn't turn, praying that he'd assume I couldn't hear and not bother to make his way over, but of course, it was fucking Laurent, so three seconds later he smacked me on the back and then jumped in front of me.

"'Ow are you, mon frere? Another year...we have to make a party soon, mon homme!"

The sound of his voice sent some kind of shooting pain up my spinal cord and into my brain, but somehow I managed half a smile. "Hey, Laurent. I'm good, I'm good. Yeah, we'll definitely _make _a party soon. Are you here? Like...for good?" I tried not to shudder at my last question.

"Yeah, man! We're goeeng to party hard this year, bien sûr!"

I quickly looked around for James again and when I didn't see him, I decided I didn't give a fuck. I just needed to get away from this overzealous French bastard a.s.a.p.

"Listen, it was good to see you, but, uh, I've gotta meet someone so I've got to go. I'll catch you later."

He pushed my shoulder and practically shoved me back. "You too, mon homme! I'm goeeng to see you soon, eh?"

I kind of nodded and waved him off and just kept moving. I was several streets down before I stopped, and I figured I could just hang out for a few minutes and then circle back to check for James again, when the coast was clear of fucking Napoleon.

I leaned against the wall of a building, next to a street musician playing some kind of blues. I stood there for a few, listening to the music and waiting 'til it was safe to go back, when I spotted a crazy-tall girl with a head of short, black hair. I recognized the face and quickly realized she wasn't actually tall—she was on James' back, her legs wrapped around his waist. She was pointing at something in the distance, and then a few paces behind them was Bella, Edward, Tits, Glasses, and a few other kids that looked vaguely familiar.

Something tightened in my chest when I caught sight of her, but it wasn't quite the same as what I'd felt every other time. More than anything, I think I was just happy to see her.

"Any requests?" the musician asked, turning to me. I looked around and though there were a few people lingering, I was the closest one to him, and seemed to be his only audience.

I shook my head at first but then I saw Bella stop in front of some kind of booth. She pulled her hair off her neck and twisted it at the top of her head as she looked at whatever was laid out on the table.

"Yeah," I said, only half turning to the guy. "Play some Van Morrison."

"Nice. Anything in particular?"

I shrugged, wanting to see what he'd choose.

I smiled when he started playing and after the universally recognizable beginning notes, he began to sing, and his voice was gravelly and strong and just completely fucking satisfying.

_Hey, where did we go? Days when the rains came...._

I turned my attention back to the direction of Bella, just in time to see Edward slip his hands around her waist. She turned in his arms, smiling, and her expression was like I'd never really seen it before, or at least not in a long time. The last few times I saw her, she was crying, upset, or her expression was tight—worry and stress lining a face far too young for that shit. Now it was bright, relaxed, and just fucking blissful.

I braced myself for the rush of miserable feelings—the feelings of jealousy and regret and just fucking...shit—that usually accompanied the sight of her with him. I kept waiting but, for whatever reason, they didn't come. Perhaps it was just because of the smile on her face; there was no way I could begrudge her that fucking beautiful, beaming grin.

I could feel that my time to stare at her unnoticed was running low, but I couldn't tear my eyes away. She brought her hands to Edward's face and then quickly they fell away and she froze. She looked around and I had a feeling she could hear the music. A few seconds later and her eyes landed on the musician, and then moved quickly to his left.

When she saw me, her eyes widened at first, but I just tipped my head and smiled. Edward had turned to talk to his friend Eli, and now only his hand lingered on her hip. Her smile morphed into a shy smirk and she shook her head, and when her eyes snapped to the musician and quickly back to me, I shrugged.

Bella pulled Edward's hand from her hip and squeezed it. She said something to him and jerked her head to the side. He nodded and let her hand go. Without looking at me, she started walking. My eyes followed her until she stopped in front of a Sno-Cone stand. I pushed off the wall and headed toward her. The guy's voice started to get lost among the voices of the crowd I'd just stepped into, but as I moved toward where Bella was standing, the last line I heard him sing lingered in my mind.

_So hard to find my way, now that I'm on my own. Saw you just the other day. My, how you have grown...._

I didn't want to make shit awkward for her, especially with Edward here, but there was something that had been on my mind since our last conversation, and there was a piece of closure that I'd denied her that I thought she deserved.

I pulled my wallet out of my back pocket and when I got to the booth, as the guy behind it handed Bella a Sno-Cone, I dropped a couple bucks on the counter.

"Jasper, you don't have to-"

"Obviously not. It'd be pretty stupid of me if I thought I _had _buy you a Sno-Cone, Bella. Relax, it's a couple dollars."

She smiled and looked down at the cone. "Thanks."

When she looked back up, some of that easy joy in her expression from before had faded. I decided to make this quick, even though part of me was tempted to find ways to keep her here forever.

Before I could speak, she nodded toward the musician. "Was that you?"

I smirked. "In my defense, I only suggested Van Morrison, not the song."

She nodded and shook her head, a small smile tugging at the corner of her mouth, before taking a bite from the cone.

"I didn't know you were going to be here. I didn't know _I _was going to be here, actually...but..." She was staring at me with big, expectant, probably worried eyes and it suddenly felt about a thousand degrees hotter out. "Since you are here, there's something I've been thinking about. The thing I said the last time I saw you...about not being able to be your friend? That was fucked up, Bella." She started to shake her head but I kept going. "No, it was. It was typical fucking...me. I'm not saying it wouldn't be a challenge or, whatever, but I _can _be your friend, if you need it. I mean, I _want_ to be your friend."

"Jasper, I wouldn't expect you to-"

"I don't mean like fucking pool parties and mall trips kind-of-friend, Bella. I just mean if you ever need someone, or whatever...I just didn't mean to cut you off like that..."

And just like that, the smile was back, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel good to be the cause of it.

"Thanks, Jasper. I really appreciate it."

"Yeah..." I trailed off for a moment. "You look really happy, Bella."

She tried to cull the smile that was trying to grow wider. She nodded minutely. "I am, Jasper."

"Good. You really fucking deserve it."

I glanced behind her to see Edward's eyes on both of us. His face was hard, but he didn't exactly look angry. I knew he was probably nervous as hell, even though the lucky bastard had no reason to be.

"Are you happy, Jasper? I mean, are you okay?"

"Yeah," I said, smiling. "I'm okay. I'm happy." What was weirder was that it didn't feel like a total lie.

"Good, you fucking deserve it, too." She laughed, and watching her laugh made me smile. After a moment, her face grew serious again. "Edward says Rosalie's doing well, all things considered."

"Rosalie's all right. She's a trooper. I think she kind of misses that other Cullen, though."

"Yeah, well, I think the feeling is mutual. It'll be Thanksgiving before we know it. Will you...be here, do you think?" She sounded nervous as she asked the question.

"Yeah, Rosalie wants us to stay, so I'm staying."

"That's great, Jasper, that's just...really great that you would do that for Rosalie."

I nodded. I could have stood there all day and talked to her about what-the-fuck-ever, but I knew that in the end, it would only make things harder. Probably for the both of us. I meant what I said about being her friend, but I figured baby steps were in order. "Your Sno-Cone is melting and I think your boyfriend is starting to get a little nervous. You should get back to your friends."

She glanced quickly back at the group, and then turned back to me. "Okay, well...thank you. For the Sno-Cone, and the song and...thanks for saying you want to be my friend. I know that's a lot for you, and it really means a lot to me." She was smiling and her eyes were bright, but when two tears escaped the lids, she looked up at the sky and sighed.

I couldn't stop myself from reaching forward to brush them away. "Hey, what'd I say about the crying?"

"No, it's...sorry, it's good this time. I'm happy, but I just..."

The emotion in her voice did weird things to my heart. "Yeah, I know...but...get yourself together, girl, before Edward thinks I made you cry again."

She laughed and took a step back. "All right. Take care, Jasper."

"You, too," I said, and then with a wink, I added, "Be good."

She smiled and nodded and took another couple steps back before turning around. She walked slowly away at first but as she got closer to her friends, to Edward, she sped up and was nearly skipping by the time she'd made it to his outstretched arms. I turned away before she stepped into them.

I thought it would be harder to watch her go, this time feeling more final than any of the others before, but instead, I smiled to myself as I walked down the crowded street, away from her. Bella was happy, and, for now—somewhat surprisingly—that was good enough for me.

**. . . The End . . .

* * *

**

**I will try not to make this an Oscar acceptance speech, but it's the end and a lot of people helped me get here, so humor me, okay?**

**My biggest and most heartfelt thanks go to Legna989 for all her help with this story. From fixing my grammar and typos to giving me legal advice, Arizona help, moral support and friendship. I really can't properly articulate my thanks for all you've done so just...you are the best (insert a thousand hearts)!**

**RedVelvetHeaven was possibly more invested in these characters than I was, and pre-read much of this just to reassure me that they stayed true to themselves as the story went along. We spent a lot of time talking about this story and I could never ask for someone to care as much about it as she did. Thank you for caring so much about my bbs, bb.**

**ElleCC stayed with this story even though it broke her heart continually, and also pre-read a lot and even pretended to be excited about the Edward chapters! Thanks for forcing me to write this, even when you knew it would bum you hardcore...if that's not selflessness, I don't know what is. Oh, and thanks for gaying my Peter and Jasper so well that people forget it DIDN'T ACTUALLY HAPPEN ;). ILY.**

**I can't list anyone else because I could REALLY go on forever and I'd feel terrible if I left anyone out (as well as really self-indulgent). So just thank you to all the people who read this and reviewed. I am so sorry I was so bad at replying but I obsessed over EVERY review, I promise. Come find me on twitter or the forums if you want to talk :)**

**Oh, and I would be remiss not to thank Tor and the Gazebo and Caren/Kassiah/Shannon and the Fictionators for the recs and support and general awesomeness. And even bigger thanks to ****A Different Forest****, the most awesome Twi fansite out there, for making me a VIP author and just being an awesome place to hang out and talk about Twilight, Fic, and everything beyond. Please, please go check out the site and join in the fun...you can read lots of great fic there, too!**

**Okay, God, I have to stop myself. I'm sorry for this wordy goodbye, but it's been like...nearly a year...so it's kind of a big deal!**

**Thank you all so much for reading - it's been a blast and I'm so grateful for all the friends I've made because of this story and this fandom.**


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